"just a couple of things on my brain, you know?"
Some days were better than others. There were fleeting moments where it felt like things were greater than ever, like she had never gotten the diagnosis and was still as well-adjusted as she was before everything fell apart. The days where she didn't feel the weight of the world on her shoulders, or a constant pit in her stomach from her anxiety. When she was able to willingly get out of her house and talk to more than just her closest friends. Sometimes she was genuinely convinced that things were looking up.
Maybe the pills only worked when they felt like it.
There were days where she'd spend time with her friends, but those were becoming fewer and further between as more time passed. The only pony she spent consistent time with was her marefriend. Most of the time she would tend to animals, maybe read a book if it was a particularly slow day. She rarely felt anything above contentment, but even that was pushing it.
Other days were bland and forgettable. They blended together in her mind as the monotony of it all left her feeling nothing more than numb. These were the days where she'd more often than not hole herself up in her cottage with her animals.
She didn't dislike taking care of animals or reading or whatever else she felt like doing to pass the time. What she disliked was the repetition of it. She felt like she was living the same day over and over again. No matter how much she wanted to break out of her routine, no matter how many times she told herself This is the day where I finally make a change, things stayed the same. She didn't have the strength to try to spice up her life. The sense of normalcy was one of the few things she had left.
The worst days were the ones where she didn't have the strength to get out of bed in the morning. When she couldn't do anything but stare at the ceiling and let her brain run on overdrive. The thoughts were particularly bad on those days. Even though she knew it wasn't really herself, some of the things that flashed through her mind disturbed her deeply. She had added the invasive thoughts to the evergrowing list of her faults.
Sometimes she spiraled, doing drastic things that put herself in danger. She didn't know how else to get these feelings to pass than to hurt herself, even if she subconsciously knew it wouldn't do anything good for her. Most of the time these waves of depression passed in silence, though she was still able to feel the physical effects just as much.
Her nausea, an ever-constant feeling she had grown accustomed to long ago, became much worse during these times. There was a persistent sense of dread in her at every moment. Despite how badly she wanted to cry the tears would never come. It seemed like she was only able to cry in front of others. Lucky her.
This morning appeared to be another bland one, one Fluttershy would forget by the same time tomorrow. She awoke slowly, stirring naturally and opening her eyes, though she quickly shut them again. The sun was sitting decently high in the sky, its rays providing enough warmth to keep the ponies of Ponyville comfortable. Sunlight leaked through the window, but the blinds were thick enough to diminish the light to a mere flicker. Fluttershy didn't remember shutting the blinds the previous night but appreciated the minimalness of the light nonetheless.
The pegasus stretched out, quietly groaning as her limbs began to wake up along with her mind. As she sat up her eyes scanned the room. There were faint traces of dust on each object after months of being untouched, and there appeared to be more sprawling vines on the roof beams than there was last time she had checked. She let out a low sigh. Maybe today would be the day that she decided to clean her room for the first time in ages.
But then again, the chances were never high to begin with.
Fluttershy pushed the blanket off her body and sluggishly dropped to the floor, beginning the walk to the bathroom soon afterwards. Despite her lack of motivation some days, she maintained proper hygiene for herself. As she brushed her teeth she made a point to move her gaze away from the mirror.
She had tried, she really had, to look at the mare staring back at her, but she couldn't. The image would always become distorted if she looked at it for long enough and she didn't want to go through the self-loathing spiel again.
She was so caught up in her mind that she hadn't realized she had dropped her toothbrush in the sink, continuing to brush the air until she opened her eyes. The mare blinked hard before washing her toothbrush off and spitting out the toothpaste. After leaving the bathroom she made her way to the kitchen to begin preparing breakfast for her animals. It felt nice to have something important to do, something that she knew would make others happy. It gave her something of a purpose at least.
Once that was done — not without the usual trouble from Angel — Fluttershy was left standing in the kitchen, focusing on the corner of the counter. The wood was slightly chipped, but it was otherwise in good condition. Her gaze drifted to the rest of the room.
Unwashed dishes sat in the sink, overflowing in quantity. The floorboards had faded in color over time to a muted brown, and the table had done much the same. The stones that lined the sides of the counters were slowly beginning to crack. There was a thin layer of dust covering everything besides the fridge, just like the bedroom. All in all the kitchen looked like it hadn't been used in years.
The pegasus changed her focus to a family of squirrels happily munching on some acorns, the mother and father cuddling together as their child sat next to them. A small, almost imperceivable smile crossed her face. Animals were one of the only things that consistently made her happy. One of.
It still felt weird to her that she was in a relationship. After so long of hiding herself away, afraid to be vulnerable to anyone besides a very select few, she was in a relationship. She'd had her heart broken before and she'd sworn off dating for years, but things changed because of Rarity.
Rarity. Just thinking of her name made Fluttershy feel better. The most generous, most gorgeous pony she knew was her marefriend. Asking her out was a huge challenge for the pegasus. It caused her anxiety to flare up, but the feeling of Rarity's soft lips against her own calmed her down quickly.
The past 6 months they had spent together were some of the best of Fluttershy's life. They'd spent countless nights together, doing nothing more than talking to each other, learning everything there was to know about the other. Fluttershy could listen to Rarity talk forever and she would never once lose interest. There were nights where they simply gazed at the stars, laying in each other's arms silently. Their shared company was enough.
Rarity had helped in getting the pegasus to come out of her shell even further. She had come during one of the lowest points of Fluttershy's life and acted as a lighthouse, guiding her lover through the storm. Fluttershy would be eternally grateful for that. She owed her life to her marefriend.
Sure, they had their fair share of fights, usually small squabbles that ended as soon as they began. It didn't seem to bother Rarity, but Fluttershy remembered every single one. She wasn't sure what she made of them. They were little things that didn't matter in the long run, she'd tell herself. Besides, every couple fought, right?
Shaking her head to dislodge the negative thoughts, the mare decided that she would visit Rarity after she ate her breakfast. Having her on the mind made Fluttershy yearn for her lover's touch
As she retrieved an apple from the fridge she began to imagine herself laying in bed with Rarity, mesmerized by her radiant blue eyes. Those eyes were ones she often found herself lost in, and she knew she would be content with a life where they were the only things she could see.
After she finished her apple she said her goodbyes to her animals and left the cottage. Anxiety began to build in her chest the moment she stepped outside. Fluttershy took a few deep breaths to steady herself. It was so frustrating to get anxious whenever she went outside but it was a habit she was never able to break. Steeling herself and putting on her most convincing smile, she began her trek.
The dirt quietly crunched under her hooves as she walked, giving her a consistent noise that she appreciated. Birds could be heard chirping, though she couldn't quite make out what they were saying. The sun shone down and warmed her. Its rays were bright enough to make her squint slightly, and it gave a slight glow to the buildings that she passed. There was a calm ambience to her walk that served to make her comfortable.
She noticed a pair of ponies approaching her and her chest tightened. Come on Fluttershy, she told herself, you need to stop being so scared of everything. She put on her best smile as Lyra and Bon Bon came closer, their tails intertwined. Bon Bon's face lit up as she noticed Fluttershy.
"Good morning, Fluttershy!" the earth pony beamed. Lyra lifted a hoof and waved as a greeting.
"Good morning to you tw- two," Fluttershy managed to say, her smile becoming a little more genuine after she finished speaking. Her gaze passed over the intertwined tails and a sense of longing began to fill her at the sight. Maybe someday she would be comfortable enough to do the same with her marefriend. Lyra and Bon Bon walked past her and Fluttershy felt a little bit better than she had before seeing them.
As more greetings were shared, the pegasus became more comfortable, until eventually she was able to initiate small conversations with passing ponies. Despite her relative lack of knowledge on most of the subjects she was discussing with her peers, their joy washed over her and made her feel at ease. She listened to Daisy talk about the most recent additions to her garden, Cheerilee talk about her students, even a rare conversation with Octavia took place.
It slowly dawned on Fluttershy that this was extremely uncommon for her. Unless she was with Rarity or one of her friends she barely spoke to other ponies past a simple hello, much less have full conversations with them. A feeling of pride swelled up inside her at this.
Today was looking to be a good day after all.
She softly hummed a tune to herself as she made a turn on her path. Carousel Boutique was getting closer with every step, and it was now in her field of vision. The building stood tall, basked in the sunlight at just the right angle to give it an almost heavenly glow, at least in Fluttershy's eyes. It made sense considering the pony who lived there was much the same. Maybe that was an over-exaggeration, maybe it was offensive to the gods to describe somepony as heavenly, but Fluttershy knew it was the best way to describe her mare.
Soon enough she was standing in front of the boutique. She gazed at the blooming flowers on the lawn for a few moments — they were fresh in the mind after all — before looking to the door.
The smile on her face grew a bit wider as the prospect of seeing Rarity again got closer and closer. Her eyes drifted to the window for a moment to see if she could catch an early glimpse, but all she could see was a mannequin wearing a pink skirt. Her gaze returned to the door soon afterwards.
Fluttershy lifted a hoof and knocked on the door three times.