//------------------------------// // Chapter 23, Maximum Cringe // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// Ponies screamed and ran in circles as the horde of small animals ran around the ballroom. Not helping matters was the pair of unicorns that were tossing food to the animals from the buffet table. The cute little critters went into a feeding frenzy. One mare got covered in mixed nuts causing her to get swarmed by squirrels. While the ballroom descended into anarchy, Red regrouped with me. “Did you get it?” I asked her. She nodded and hoofed me an ornate golden key with a sun engraved onto the base, “I snagged it right off the Princess.” According to Blueblood, opening the royal vault required two things. The sun key and the moon key. Both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna carried their respective keys with them at all times. With one key already swiped, we still needed to obtain Luna’s key. I took the key and put it into my saddlebag, “Excellent. Go help Blueblood cause some chaos while I sneak into the restricted area.” “Got it, be careful in there, Sneaky,” Red cautioned me before walking away, her dress swishing behind her. With the guards in the ballroom distracted, I slipped past one of the velvet ropes and into a cordoned off section of the palace. The sound of frantic ponies faded behind me as I put some distance between myself and the scene. I took a moment to speak into my ear piece, “Dark Mistress, how are you progressing?” Suri’s voice chimed back, “I’m at the L-junction on the third floor right now. These air ducts are like a maze, but I should be in position on schedule.” “Let me know if the situation changes,” I advised her before I kept walking through the palace. The décor in this area of the palace was more subdued in comparison to where I’d just come from. There was significantly less gold and purple paint for one thing. The sun and moon motifs were still ever present though. I guess the décor in the other area was only meant to impress visitors. Our intel suggested that Princess Luna could be found in the East Wing of the palace. So that was my destination. Going by the blueprints that I had memorized, I turned down several corridors. My journey was waylaid by the sound of approaching hoofsteps. The good acoustics of these rooms gave me plenty of warning. I darted behind one of the numerous Greek-style columns that lined every corridor and hid in the shadows. An armor-clad stallion turned the far corner of the hallway. He walked halfway down the hall before he stopped near my hiding spot. He looked around himself as if checking that the coast was clear. Then he blew a huge fart. It was powerful enough that his blue tail fluttered in the wind that he broke. The sound echoed off the vaulted ceiling and marble walls. “Oh, thank Celestia! I’ve been holding that in for hours,” he exclaimed before adjusting his armor. My pony looked like he was struggling to breathe. A blue oxygen gauge appeared in the right corner of the screen and slowly ticked towards empty. The guard stallion stood in front of my hiding spot for over a minute, preventing me from leaving. “Hmmm… I wonder if there are any sneak thieves around?” I heard the stallion mutter to himself. “Those no good bloody taffers.” Finally… mercifully… the guard resumed walking off down the corridor. As soon as he turned the corner and was out of sight, I exited my hiding spot and made a run for fresh air. I knew that I had run far enough, when my pony let out a loud gasp. He drew fresh air into his lungs as the oxygen meter refilled. I continued my search for the Princess. It took another five minutes before I finally found her. She was walking down the same hallway as me, but in the opposite direction. The dark blue alicorn didn’t bat an eye at my presence. Either she didn’t notice or she didn’t care that I was in a restricted area. In order to get close enough to Luna to pickpocket the key off her, I would have to charm her. I’d spent some time investigating MLP fanfiction in preparation for this moment. My research taught me that wooing Luna shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, one out of every five fanfictions seemed to involve some form of Luna shipping. So how hard could wooing her possibly be? To pull off this seduction routine, I needed to channel my inner James Bond. “Greetings, my darling!” I said after walking up to her, trying to impersonate Sean Connery’s Scottish accent, “How would you like to-” “Neigh! Get away from us, foul knave!” Princess Luna shouted at me before turning around and storming off down the hallway. Welp, Plan A was a bust. Gotta switch to Plan B. I pulled my blackjack out of my mane. It was time for the princess of the moon to get knocked the buck out. I caught up to her at a balcony near the end of the next corridor. She’d stopped there and was gazing up at the night sky. Thanks to my muffled horseshoes, Princess Luna didn’t even hear me sneak up behind her. My blackjack collided with the back of her skull and the Princess slumped to the floor in an insensate heap. I patted her down and located her key hidden on the back of her peytral. After putting my calling card into her ethereal mane, I then stuffed her unconscious body into a broom closet. Badge Unlocked: Mooning Her In The Face Unlocked By: You stole something from Princess Luna. Reward: 100 bits I spoke into my earpiece again, “Spastic Wombat here, I’ve obtained the second key. I’ll be at the vault soon.” The vault itself was in the North Wing of the palace. I had to double back for a few minutes to reach it. This area of the palace was filled with stained glass windows that depicted various moments in Equestria’s history. Such as Twilight Sparkle and her friends defeating Nightmare Moon. I paused for a second to pull a marker out of my bag and draw a mustache on Twilight’s glass face. It was the little things that truly brought joy to one’s life. In the next corridor I was forced to take cover behind another column when a pair of guards walked around the corner at the end of the hall. “What was that? I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye,” one of the guards remarked. “We should investigate,” the other guard said. Not good, I needed to think fast! “Meow!” I called out, “Meow!” “Oh, it’s just a cat,” the first guard relaxed. The second guard remained skeptical, “Are you sure? That sounded like a stallion’s voice saying the word ‘Meow.’” “Don’t be ridiculous,” the other pony said to him. “No one would be stupid enough to think they could trick us by doing something that dumb. Therefor it must be a real cat.” “If you say so. Let’s continue our patrol.” I felt both relieved and insulted when the guards wandered off. Continuing my stealthy journey, I arrived outside the doors of the vault. Like every other door in this palace, it was gold plated. On the lower left there was a sun carved into it with a keyhole in the middle. While on the lower right there was a crescent moon with its own keyhole. Following Blueblood’s instructions, I put the keys into their opposite holes. The sun key went into the hole on the moon carving. While the moon key went into the hole on the sun carving. It was probably some metaphor for Harmony or balance or something. After turning the two keys, I had to use my earth pony strength to pry open the massive metal doors. I stood in the doorway and gazed inside. The six Elements of Harmony rested on a pedestal in the center of the heavy stone lined room. A grid of crisscrossing red magical laser beams barred access to the gemstones. “Dark Mistress, did you find that thaumic wiring box?” I asked into my earpiece. “Yup, I’m staring at it right now,” Suri’s voice called back. “Just give me a minute.” I turned away from the PonyPad while I waited. I pulled out my smartphone and checked my email. The hospice center wanted another word with me. I angrily deleted the email and turned back to the game. “Hmmm… was I supposed to cut the red wire or the green wire? Ugh, this is why I hate unicorn wiring boxes. They never label anything.” I heard Suri mutter over the earpiece, “Eh, buck it! I’ll just cut all the wires.” “Wait… did you say it was a unicorn wiring box?” I asked, a sense of familiar dread filling me. “No wait! Don’t do it!” At that moment, two things happened. The red lasers flickered off and a loud explosion echoed out of a distant part of the palace. “Dark Mistress, are you okay?” I asked. “Dark Mistress?” Silence was my only answer. “Nooooo!” I wailed, gripped by a sense of deep sadness, “She was too young to respawn! She had so much to live for! She was only two weeks away from retirement!” I wiped away a fake tear and then turned back to the vault. That was enough cliched melodrama for one day. We’d regroup with Suri back at the hideout. I stepped into the vault and approached the pedestal in the center of the room. The walls of the room were made of heavily reinforced stone blocks. The pedestal was made of chiseled granite with fancy carvings of frolicking ponies adorning it. Five of the elements were arranged in a pentagon shape with the element of magic in the center. They were all resting on top of a red velvet cushion. I reached out a hoof and touched them. The gems emitted a brief and subtle flash of rainbow-colored light when I made contact with them. The gold necklaces and the crown looked shiny, but I knew that the real magic was in the stones, so I focused my attention on those. It took me less than a minute to use my earth pony strength to pry the stones out of their sockets. Once I had the gems, I tossed aside the necklaces and the crown. Finally, I placed one of my calling cards onto the now empty pedestal. But where could I hide the Elements? I couldn’t just put them into my mane or my saddlebag. If the royal guards searched me, they would find them for sure! I needed a different place to put them. My gaze drifted across the screen of the PonyPad and settled on the base of my pony’s tail. CelestAI must have been tracking my eye movements with the PonyPad’s camera, because a certain button prompt immediately appeared on the screen. I mashed the indicated button six times while giggling like a lunatic. With a disgusting noise, all six element gems disappeared into an unspeakable location. I lost a tiny sliver of health when the element of magic was inserted, because of its spikey shape I assumed. Before exiting the vault, I pulled something out of my inventory. It was a small Ziplock bag. Inside of it there was a small lock of a blond mane. Yesterday, I had discreetly snipped it off of Prince Blueblood’s head without him knowing about it. I took the hairs out of the bag and planted them at the scene of the crime. Every good heist needs a good betrayal! “I got the package,” I whispered into my earpiece after I left the vault, “exfiltrating now.” “You may want to hurry,” Blueblood advised me. “Half the city could hear that explosion. The guards are trying to figure out what caused it.” I met Red back at the carriage right outside the front gate. Getting out of the palace had been easier than getting into it. Nearly all the guards had run off to the opposite side of the palace to investigate the blast. “Get in!” Wind Rider yelled at both of us. He barely waited long enough for us to jump into the back before he took a running start and leapt into the air with a flap of his wings. I looked out the rear window and watched as the royal palace faded behind us. Whatever explosion Suri caused had blown a sizable chuck out of the east wing of the palace. I could see several pegasi flying around the damaged area. “Did everything go okay back in the ballroom?” I asked Red after we sat down. Red smiled at me and gave me a quick nuzzle, “Everything went fine. I barely had to do anything at all. Just plant a few rumors that may or may not have caused a cat fight.” After Wind Rider dropped us off outside of my Canterlot apartment, we said goodbye to him and then went inside. I went into the bathroom in order to retrieve the Elements of Harmony. Once I finished, I tossed the gems into a display case in my living room. Fist thing tomorrow, I would take them to Cut Purse so he could fence them. Badge Unlocked: The Ultimate Shiny Things Unlocked By: You stole the Elements of Harmony. Reward: 100 bits “That was really fun, Red. But it’s gotten late, so I’ll see you again tomorrow,” I told my marefriend before logging out and turning off my PonyPad. I looked up from the device and stretched out my back. Mr. Muffins was laying on the couch cushion next to me, so I reach over and patted him on the head. He retuned my affection by sharpening his claws on my forearm. I went to stand up from the couch, but was interrupted when my PonyPad turned itself back on. “Going somewhere, Sneaky Shadow?” Red asked, her face looking directly out from the screen. “Red? How did you-” “It’s time for the dramatic betrayal.” Red cut me off with a smile on her muzzle. “You said it yourself. Every good heist needs a good betrayal.” “But we already betrayed Blueblood,” I pointed out. “I told you that I was going to set him up to take the fall.” Red rolled her eyes, “That plan didn’t work, you idiot. He was present in the ballroom for the duration of the entire heist. All the guests at the Gala can attest to that fact. That means that he has a rock-solid alibi. The investigators will know that the evidence you planted is fake.” “Then what are you suggesting that we do about that?” I asked her. She smirked at me, “We’re going to have to betray somepony else instead.” I rubbed my chin pensively, “Who did you have in mind?” “You.”