//------------------------------// // Chapter 22, The Place Where Corn Comes From // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// I eyed myself up and down in the mirror. My pony was wearing a nice black suit jacket with a white undershirt and tie. No pants of course. The formal outfit was plain, but functional. I’d picked it up from a stored called Stallion’s Warehouse. A button press caused my pony to adjust his tie. It was the night of the Grand Galloping Gala. After recruiting my team, we spent the next week of meticulously planning out every last detail. Once our preparations were complete, we were ready to start the heist. Red and I would be infiltrating the palace as a pair of guests. Prince Blueblood had pulled some strings to get us a pair of tickets. “Red, are you ready to go?” I called out. “Wind Rider should be waiting for us outside with the carriage.” I heard hoofsteps behind me as Red came out of the guest bedroom. I took a second to smooth down my mane before turning to face her. Red Hoofed looked fantastic. She was wearing a little red dress that matched the color of her mane and tail while contrasting with the color of her blue coat. Unlike the puffy dresses that I had seen a number of ponies wearing around Canterlot, hers was much more shear. It wrapped around her forelegs and barrel in a very furtight manner. The back of her dress draped over her tail, but it left her flank and booty mark bare. The lipstick smooch that was her booty mark, was on full shameful display. It reminded me of how some risqué human dresses would leave most of the upper thigh exposed in an upward pointed V shape along the outer thigh. “What do you think?” She asked extending one of her forehooves in a dramatic gesture at her body. I smiled at her while taking in her full appearance. “You remind me of an old song from the Human Realm.” Red strutted away from the doorway. She stopped only a few feet away from me. Her next few words were spoken in a tone of voice that contained a hint of warning in them, “What song would that be?” “I believe the title of the song is Devil with a Blue Dress On. Except, yours is red.” I did not choose my words carefully. I lost a good chunk of my health bar when she decked my pony in the chin. “What have you learned from this?” Red asked me as we left my Canterlot apartment and went downstairs. “Um… don’t say stupid things?” I offered up a possible answer. I was never very good at fill-in-the-blank questions. “Good colt,” she praised me. Yay, I got it right! After exiting the apartment, we found Wind Rider waiting for us outside. The pegasus was hitched up to an ornate carriage. Like a lot of things in Canterlot, the ride was painted white and gold. Wind Rider’s job in this was simple. He was going to be our transportation and get-away driver. “Finally, I’ve been waiting forever,” The aged stallion grouched as he spit a wad of saliva into the bushes lining the building. “Are you both ready to do this?” Red nodded at him as she walked up to the carriage. “Just get us there and we’ll handle the rest.” “I just hope that you two amateurs don’t get us caught,” Wind Rider said while stretching out his wings. Red and I piled into the back of the carriage. The interior was covered in a nice red upholstery that blended with Red’s dress when she sat down next to me. After waiting for us to find our seats, Wind Rider took a running start, flapped his wings and leapt into the air, pulling the carriage behind him. I looked out the window as we flew. The wind howled around us as we flew. The sight was impressive. The sun had already set, shrouding most of Canterlot in darkness. But the magical streetlights below provided some illumination. I’d traveled on a few commercial airlines in the past, but never at night. I imagined that this experience was a lot like that. “Suri had a very interesting conversation with me yesterday,” Red said, broke the silence. I froze up for a moment before asking, “You didn’t beat her up, did you? If she quits the team, our plan won’t work.” “Suri’s fine,” Red reassured me. “She actually convinced me to give herding a shot.” This turn of events left me baffled. “What? After what happened to that mare from the bar, I’m surprised you would change your mind like that.” “She made a few good points in her argument. Namely, that we’ll never have a good three way without adding another mare to the herd,” she said as she leaned across the carriage seat and nuzzled me. Ah… I forgot to account for the fact that Red was a total perv. “Can we talk more about this later?” I asked. Red nodded, “I suppose we can do that.” The carriage tilted as Wind Rider’s flight path spiraled downwards. A glance out the window revealed that we were about to arrive at the palace gates. I took a small crystal out of my saddlebag and slid it into my pony’s ear. Red followed my lead and put one into her own ear. I had purchased these magical items from Cut Purse only three days ago. They were small enough that nopony could tell that we had them in our ears. “This is Spastic Wombat, sound off,” I said, using my codename. Suri’s voice echoed out of the earpiece, “Dark Mistress here, I’m in the air ducts and ready to go.” “Noble Sod, in position at the ballroom,” Blueblood’s voice cut in. Both Suri and Blueblood had arranged their own transportation to the palace. We couldn’t afford for all of us to be seen arriving or departing together. We were aiming for stealth, but Wind Rider would be there in case we needed to make a fast get-away. “Busted Nut, ready to go,” Red chipped in. “Old Fart also ready, not that you couldn’t tell since I’m right in front of you,” Wind Rider said. The carriage landed on the ground with a soft thump. The wheels rolled for another thirty seconds before we came to a complete stop. A look out the window confirmed that we were outside the gate of the royal palace. I opened the carriage door, stepped down and then helped Red out. “Keep the engine running,” I told Wind Rider. He looked at me like I had just said something stupid. But he stayed silent and pulled the carriage away to the side lot where the other carriages were parked. The golden gates of the royal palace were wide open. A multitude of ponies of all tribes were in line outside. A pair of royal guards in golden armor were taking their tickets. The line moved quickly so Red and I didn’t have to wait for very long. “Tickets please,” the earth pony stallion on duty asked me in a dry monotone voice. I fished the two tickets that Blueblood had given us out of my inventory and hoofed them over to him. “Enjoy the Gala, Sir and/or Madam,” the guard said in a soulless manner that suggested he was bored out of his skull. We walked past the guards and into the palace proper. The main entry hall contained décor that looked much like I remember it from my first visit. The walls were purple and there were golden arches around most of the doors. The biggest change was that most of the side rooms were sectioned off with velvet ropes. A polite way of letting guests know which parts of the palace were off limits. But the guard presence was lighter in this area to avoid intimidating the guests. There was a red carpet going down the center of the main hall that led to a grand staircase. At the landing halfway up the stairs, I could see Princess Celestia greeting her arriving guests. It was obvious to me that she was in “Princess Mode” and would behave in character. Next to the Princess, I spotted Twilight Sparkle wearing a star studded blue gown. She appeared to be desperately trying to strike up a conversation with her mentor. “Have fun!” I told Red. This was where the two of us needed to split up for the first phase of the plan. With a quick nod to one another, we went our separate ways. With a swish of her tail, Red got in line to meet the princess, while I followed the signs to the main ballroom. Tables with pink tablecloths lined the sides of the ballroom with pony couples congregating around them. The red carpet from the hallways gave way to green carpeting that lined the side of the ballroom. The main dancefloor was covered in white and gold tiles. A sectioned off VIP area to the side was filled with ponies in Wonderbolt flight suits. I think I spotted Rainbow Dash attempting to sneak into that area. A band was playing off to the side. They were a quartet of earth ponies. A light brown stallion was on the piano. A grey mare was playing a cello. A light blue mare was blowing into a tuba. And a dark blue stallion was plucking at the strings of a large harp. I spotted Blueblood standing off to the side with an annoyed looking Rarity standing next to him. Strictly speaking, Prince Blueblood had already played his role in the heist. He’d gotten us our information on the royal vault and procured our tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. His next part of the plan was just icing on top of the cake and it involved him doing what he was going to do anyway. By that, I meant that he needed to piss off Rarity and cause a scene. While waiting for Blueblood to do his thing, I decided to mingle with the crowd. After snagging a drink from the tray of a passing waiter, I approached a pair of unicorns standing around a table. They were in the middle of a conversation. “I say, the Gala has been going more and more downhill with each passing year!” An uptight noble huffed with a toss of his grey mane. His compatriot, a yellow coated mare, nodded. “Indeed! There are commoners everywhere!” If I wanted to blend in, I would need to do what the Romans do. I always assumed that saying meant that I would have to throw roses at gladiators like a business man would throw dollar bills at a stripper. Unfortunately, there weren’t any gladiators nearby, but I could make due with other forms of imitation. “Harumph!” I harumphed, interjecting myself into their conversation. “Yes, the presence of the proletariat does tend to lower the classiness of such a gathering.” The two unicorns looked at me before the stallion asked, “Forgive me Sir, but who are you exactly?” “You don’t recognize me?” I guffawed, trying to sound offended. “My name is Foppish Dandy and I am the Duke of Cornwall!” “Corn…wall?” The stallion repeated. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of such a province in Equestria.” “You’ve never heard of the great territory of Cornwall?” I half shouted, causing ponies at neighboring tables to turn and look at me. “This is outrageous! Cornwall is the place where all of Equestria’s corn comes from!” “Sorry, but it just doesn’t sound familiar at all,” the stallion said. I glared at him. “You have offended the noble ponies of the great and powerful house of Cornwall on this day, Good Sir!” He took a few nervous steps backwards. “M-my apologies! I didn’t intend to cause any offense!” “If you wish to apologize to me properly then you must do so in the traditional Cornholeian manner!” I exclaimed with a wild flourish of my hoof. “What do I have to do?” He asked. “Cornholeian tradition demands that you must find a pack of wild animals and feed them. Only then will your apology be accepted!” The stallion blinked at me, “But, we’re in the middle of the Gala. Where are we going to find wild animals?” “Don’t worry about that. I’m sure you’ll find some soon enough,” I reassured them before I chugged down the rest of my drink and slamming down the empty glass against the table. Right on cue, a voice screamed out, “You're going to love me!” A familiar looking yellow pegasus wearing a pink wig, charged into the ballroom chasing a stampede of panicked animals.