//------------------------------// // Final Confrontation and Friendship Letters // Story: zomg vamponies, or, Fluttershy the Hunter // by bahatumay //------------------------------// Twilight paced back and forth, mumbling to herself as she read various books. Her rant was interrupted by a snarky remark from a certain little dragon. “If you keep that up, you're going to wear a hole in the floor. Again.” “Enough, Spike!” Twilight snapped. “Fluttershy will probably come back today and want another test! I can't give her another test!” Her rant was interrupted by a loud knock on the door. “I don't have another test!” Twilight shouted at the door. “Go away!” “...You're under house arrest?” The voice was impressed. “Daaang, Twi, what didja do?” That wasn't Fluttershy's voice... Twilight opened the door to see a mildly confused Vinyl Scratch. “So... good story?” Vinyl asked, nodding her head eagerly. “No, it was... I meant... never mind. Returning the book?” Vinyl trotted inside. “Yep. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting it to be.” She paused. “Though I did learn that Octi has a killer right hook...” she added, dolefully rubbing her left cheek. (1) Quickly deciding not to ask, Twilight settled for nodding and reshelving the book. “So what were you yelling about, anyway?” Twilight sighed, but decided to admit it. “Vampony tests...” “Still?” Vinyl asked. “Yep.” “What have you tried?” Twilight levitated the list over, and Vinyl inspected it. “You didn't cross off the sight of blood one.” “Fluttershy brought Snails to the clinic after his crash and she didn't react. I think he's still there, actually...” “Or the arithmo-whatchamacallit.” “She hates paperwork.” Vinyl shrugged and passed it back. “Sounds good to me.” “Yeah,” Twilight sighed, “But Fluttershy doesn't believe it still.” “I know what I saw.” Both mares spun around, seeing Fluttershy, who had walked in unnoticed. Vinyl took the list again. “How about the sun one?” “We can't just go and ask her to roll on her back for us!” Twilight protested. Vinyl cocked her head. “We can't?” “Of course not!” Twilight scolded. “You can't just ask somepony if they're a vampony or not!” “But why not?” Vinyl asked. Fluttershy raised a hoof... then paused. She had no idea why not. “Common courtesy, for one,” Twilight said. Vinyl took off her glasses and stared at Twilight incredulously. “Do I look like Octavia? That has never been a good reason.” She slid her glasses back on and turned purposefully towards the door. “Come on!” “Vinyl! There are no such things as vamponies!” Vinyl turned around, took off her glasses, and looked menacingly at Twilight. “A vampony would be verrry confident about that to cover their own flank. Are YOU a vampony?” Fluttershy squeaked. “What?” Twilight stuttered. “I knew it!” Vinyl crowed, pointing a hoof accusingly at Twilight. “It's always the nerdy ones!” “Hey!” Twilight growled. “So if you're not a vampony, roll over,” Vinyl challenged smugly. “And then help us confront Redheart." Seeing no way out of this, either with her dignity or without, Twilight sighed and lay down. She rolled over, exposing her underbelly to the sun. And, of course, nothing happened. Besides the blush that appeared on her face, that is. “Well, that was easy.” Vinyl turned back towards the door. “Let's go talk to Redheart.” Twilight sighed heavily as she rose to her hooves. “Fine. Spike, you stay here.” “But why can't I come?” Spike whined. Twilight's normally straight mane began to fray at one edge, and one eye started twitching. “Because, oh number one assistant, there are no such things as vamponies! They do not exist. Did you ever wonder why all those vampony books were at least fifty to sixty years old and nothing recent had been printed?” Such a thing had never even occurred to the baby dragon. All he knew was she asked and he found. "It's because they are old legends! Stories, nothing more! There are no such things as vamponies. Or zombie ponies! Or wereponies! Or seaponies!" Spike raised a claw hesitantly. "I believe in seaponies...." “Don't tell me. Lyra?” “Yeah, how did you know?” "Argh!" Twilight collapsed and began banging her head repeatedly against the ground. Fluttershy was very frightened at this display from her friend. Vinyl, on the other hoof, had seen much weirder and took this all in stride. “All right, then.” She lowered her glasses firmly. “Move out!” Twilight took a brief break from hitting her head. “The clinic isn't even open yet!” she protested. “Details, details!” Vinyl waved a hoof dismissively as she walked out the door, alone. A few seconds later, she came back in, seized Fluttershy's tail firmly in her mouth, and dragged her out the door. * * * Fluttershy raised a hoof to knock, but Vinyl had other ideas. Namely, bursting through the doors unannounced and yelling, “Hey, Redheart!” The loud interruption made Tenderheart jump, and, as an unfortunate reflex, throw her paperwork everywhere. She moaned sadly, staring blankly at the paperwork raining down and carpeting the ground. Vinyl walked up to the counter and leaned happily against it. “So, where's Redheart?” Tenderheart numbly raised a hoof and pointed back, deeper into the clinic, before slumping down on her desk in utter defeat. Fluttershy would have gone over to help right away, but Vinyl had grabbed her hoof and bodily dragged her further into the clinic. A minute or so later, Twilight walked in, and saw a downcast Tenderheart surrounded by paperwork. She let out a tense breath. “Don't tell me,” she deadpanned. “I just missed them. Still without saying a word (and with her head still planted firmly on the desk), Tenderheart raised a hoof and pointed in the direction they had gone. * * * Redheart was in one of the patient recovery rooms, checking her supply of blood bags. Every once in a while, they needed to be replaced, and so she wanted to make sure that she was using them in the right order. You know, first in, first out and such. She held one in her magic and was squinting to read the date on the label when suddenly the door was flung open, and hit the wall with a loud crash. “Redheart!” Redheart was... 'startled', is how she would put it later. But that seems too soft a soft term for her reaction: a harsh curse word that slipped her lips and a flare in her magic from shock. Which caused the blood bag she was holding to explode all over her face. (2) So, when Fluttershy peeked her head around Vinyl's tail, all she saw was Redheart, with her face covered in blood. So, of course, she fainted. * * * Fluttershy stirred. “Oh,” she whimpered. “That was a strange dream.” She noticed she was on her back, but it didn't feel like she was on a bed. She opened her eyes... and found herself looking right into the eyes of nurse Redheart. Whose face was covered in dried blood. Fluttershy did the only thing she could think of to do. She screamed. ”EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!!” She turned to run, but found herself caught in a magic glow. She flailing her wings and legs repeatedly, trying to escape the wrath of this vampony. Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon't... Twilight, who had been the one casting the spell holding her, waited until Fluttershy had calmed down (read: worn herself out) before setting her down gently. “This was an accident,” Redheart said, gesturing to her bloody front. “I'm certainly not a surgeon. I haven't had the training. And I'm certainly not one for experimentation sans preparation.” “Oh...” Fluttershy said. “I was... I mean, I thought.... you...” her voice trailed off. “What was that?” Redheart asked. “I thought... you might have been...” she squeaked. Vinyl rolled her eyes. “She thought you were a vampony.” Redheart did her best to keep her professionalism intact, but she couldn't stop the left side of her mouth from cracking up into a bemused half-smile. Nor the small exhalation of breath that clearly showed her amusement. “Ridiculous, right?” Twilight asked. Redheart nodded. “If I'm understanding right, then yes, it is most illogical. I'm no physicist, but the whole “not appearing in mirrors” thing violates every known rule. The burned by the sun condition is frankly quite silly, because sun damage takes much longer to accrue than you would think. Their alleged healing factor would require an expenditure of energy of alacornic proportions, and that's even while assuming no nerves were cut. Also, a pony body simply cannot survive without oxygen, and even if they could, the muscles of the body cannot relax or contract without a healthy supply of oxygen. A vampony wouldn't be able to move. Furthermore, blood, while a good source of iron, cannot provide nearly enough trace nutrients required for healthy brain activity, nor any physical activity whatsoever--due to the lack of important ions, the nerve synapses would eventually simply fail to function.” (3) Vinyl cocked her head. Redheart translated. “Vamponies are a load of horseapples.” “Ah....” Vinyl nodded her head in understanding. “So there's no possible way you could be a vampony,” Twilight flatly eliminated all other options. Readheart shook her head. “No. It's impossible.” “Great!” Vinyl shouted (prompting a wince from Fluttershy and causing Redheart's mouth to twitch once). Her eyes narrowed. “Then prove it.” Redheart cocked her head. “Prove it?” “The sun,” Vinyl said. “You know what to do.” Redheart looked over at Twilight, as if she were debating calling for a straitjacket. Twilight gave a little sigh and shook her head in defeat. “They won't give you any peace until you do,” she said. Redheart groaned as she walked over to the window, opening the curtains and the glass, and making sure no one was in sight. "Ugh, this is quite embarrassing and most irregular...." she muttered darkly. Casting one last disparaging look, she stretched out on the ground, and rolled onto her back, exposing her hairless belly and inside of her legs to the sun. They waited. And, of course, nothing happened. "See? No burn." "Hellloooo nurse!” Snails' voice rang out, causing shock among the three ponies. Apparently, he had wandered by from another room. (4) Twilight blinked once and her horn glowed. The unsuspecting unicorn fell to the ground amid a shower of gauze and wraps. "Quick memory-loss spell. He won't remember a thing." "Thanks,” Redheart said, trying (and failing) to hide a blush from her cheeks. She pushed herself to her hooves. “Now, I really must get back to preparing for my patients." She stepped up close to Fluttershy. "See? No such thing as vamponies. And if there were, and if I were, you should have just come to me and asked in the first place." "Sorry," Fluttershy whispered. Redheart gave her a gentle hug. "Don't worry about it. Just.... don't go behind my back for so long again, please?" Fluttershy nodded. “Good. Now, I have work to do, and I'm sure you do too. But we always do love volunteers, if you're ever interested.” Fluttershy smiled. “I think I'd like that.” * * * Three mares left the clinic. Two were suppressing emotions, one was happily bopping along to the music playing in her head. “You were right, Twilight,” Fluttershy whispered, trying to hide her disappointment and shame. Twilight had to work hard to avoid bouncing happily. As it was, she just nudged Fluttershy kindly. “Don't worry about it. It was a fun adventure, right?” “I guess....” “Yeah,” Vinyl added. “Now that we disproved vamponies, you can focus your efforts on real things. Like stopping zombie ponies.” Fluttershy froze. “Z- z- zombie ponies??” “Yeah, the undead ponies that live deeeeep in the Everfree Forest, and if you don't have a cutie mark, they let you join them, but if you do, they kill you!” Vinyl let out a gasp of horror as she looked at Fluttershy's flank, as if seeing her butterflies for the first time. “Fluttershy! You have a cutie mark!” “Fluttershy, there are no such things as zombie ponies!” Twilight said. “Sunny Town is just a...” But she was too late. Fluttershy had already fainted. “...myth.... VINYL!!” * * * Tenderheart had left behind her terrible paperwork mess. She was outside the clinic, replacing the “open” sign and doing a little sweeping, something to distract her from the horror she had just experienced. She looked up and sighed sadly. “You know,” she said, “I wouldn't mind a little something funny right about now.” As soon as those words left her mouth, she heard the sound of laughter and rage at the same time. She turned to see Vinyl Scratch running down the street, laughing uproariously, while a furious Twilight Sparkle chased her, her horn sending purple blasts of magic at the fleeing DJ. Tenderheart smiled as she continued sweeping. Yep. Just another normal day here in Ponyville. Dear Princess Celestia, This week has been rather.... different. After donating blood, Fluttershy was convinced that Nurse Redheart was actually a vampony. Of course, I disagreed, but I followed along, helping her where I could. We used everything from garlic to poison lemongrass to silver. Of course, we eventually found out that she wasn't, but it did take a couple awkward situations. I learned how important it is to make your friends' problems your problems, and I definitely have more respect for Fluttershy and how strong she can be when she thinks her friends are in danger. Your faithful student, [signed] Twilight Sparkle P.S. I can't believe I spent so much time on this.... My Dear Student Twilight, It is a good lesson you learned, to always be there for your friend, even if what she is doing is confusing to you. You put your friends first, and I'm proud of you. [signed] HRH Princess Celestia P.S. You may wish to inform your friend Fluttershy that garlic does not in and of itself repel vamponies; it is just extremely pungent to their rather sensitive sense of smell. Therefore, it is only effective on keeping away young vamponies, as more mature vamponies will have accustomed themselves to the odor. Dear Princess Celestia, Wat