Three figures stood in a darkened throne room, huddled over a piece of paper that levitated in the air. Princess Luna read the ransom note over and over in an effort to make sense of it. Two Royal Guards flanked her sides, trying to peek at what the note said.
Dear foolish Princesses of Equestria.
I have taken Twilight Sparkle to my evil lair, where she will no doubt suffer a grievous fate if you do not pay a hefty ransom. She trembles at my vicious might and begs you to take this note seriously. My villainy knows no bounds and my thirst for conquest grows by the day. Heed my dire warning: your peace will not last and your happiness shall be squandered. All joy in this world will be snuffed out if I do not get one hundred million bits by tomorrow at noon. Leave it in bags by the southwest hill overlooking Ponyville.
I am happy to have finally made myself known to the puppets that rule this stupid country. When I have my money, you will eventually hear from me again, so be afraid of my return and enjoy your precious peace… well it still lasts.
I haven’t thought of a cool name for myself yet, so stay tuned, when I reveal myself to you and your flock of dull-minded multi-colored horses.
Yours truly, to be announced.
Luna lowered the page and eyed the two guards with a calm sternness. “Take me to this diamond dog you captured.”
***
The guards led Luna down to the lower levels of the castle, where the interior was less scenic. The bottom floors were not visited by many ponies and therefore had no reason to look as grand as the ones above. The walls turned from the usual colors of faded lavender, white and pink, to grey and black stone. Torchlights led their way, the constant orange glow a haunting reminder of how deep underground they were.
Finally, they reached a set of grey double doors, and the guards stepped aside to let Luna through. She entered the more modern looking interrogation room, which was lit by a panel light on the ceiling, its bulbs flickering ever so slightly. In the room's center sat a long steel table, as well as a brown diamond dog. The dog leaned back into his chair with his hands resting behind his head. His ears perked up as Luna entered, but he kept his gaze on the ceiling. “You ponies sure do hit hard, I’ll give you that.” His tone was casual and relaxed.
“Yes, we certainly do,” Luna replied calmly.
The dog sat up slowly, stretched his arms, and even let out an obnoxious yawn. Luna stood in place to study him, his appearance, his facial expressions. She was a master at reading people, and she could easily see past his composed demeanor. In his eyes, she could see fear, but also a stubborn cockiness that fought its way to the surface. He had the makings of a criminal, but Luna never judged a book by its cover, not after everything she had been through in her life. So, she decided to treat the situation in a low-key manner, and see where the prisoner decided to take it.
“I am Princess Luna, co-sovereign of this nation,” she announced. “And you are?”
The dog grinned at her. “Name's Rex, but you can call me -"
“Based on what my royal guards have told me,” Luna cut him off. “it appears that you and one other culprit threw a rock onto the castle grounds. Taped to it was a ransom note, promising the safe return of Princess Twilight Sparkle, for the cost of one hundred million bits. The way the letter was written, makes it look like a prank, like an eight year old wrote it. So tell me, Rex, is this some kind of poorly thought out prank by a group of miscreants? Or is this a real hostage situation?”
Rex shook his head and chuckled. “I knew you guys would think it’s a joke at first. The guy who wrote that letter is a moron. The guy who threw the rock is an even bigger moron. Our leader’s name is Diesel, and yes, he has Twilight Speckle.”
“Sparkle.”
“Whatever.”
“You gave that information up rather freely,” Luna observed.
“I’m gonna be completely honest with you, Princess, I’m sick of my partner’s stupidity,” Rex revealed, the disdain evident in his voice. “So I’ll make you a deal: I’ll tell you exactly where they are, the layout of our cave, and heck, I’ll even show you a secret backway entrance, just for fun.” He finished his sentence with a wink.
Luna did not expect him to be so forthcoming this early in the interrogation.
“There is a catch to this, I presume."
“Always a catch,” Rex smirked, leaning back into his chair. “I want a pardon, a million bits, and a nice house, right here in Canterlot.”
Luna did not respond right away, instead, she let an awkward silence fill the room. Rex averted his eyes from her cold stare but otherwise remained quiet. Finally, Luna said. “...You’re joking.”
Rex returned eye contact. “This isn’t a joke, remember?”
“You have kidnapped a royal princess, attempted to damage royal property, and yet you believe we will give you a million bits? This is exactly what your boss is attempting.”
“Read that note again, Princess. My boss is a lunatic. He’ll move to a different location once he realizes I’ve been captured, and once he does, he’ll come up with a different plan that doesn’t involve returning Twilight Stroodle to safety.”
“It’s Sparkle,” Luna corrected for a second time, her jaw tightening.
“Do you get what I’m saying?”
Luna had to stop herself from grunting in frustration. The conversation had to remain under her control, but time was running out, and they both knew it. She had already sent out guards to Twilight’s home, and if she was indeed missing, and Rex was telling the truth about his boss’s apparent insanity, the situation could get dire real fast.
“I’d say you have a couple of hours before he moves her,” Rex added. "So I better be seeing my new home soon.”
Before Luna could respond, the doors behind her opened and the two guards stepped through. The one on the right, River Charm, cleared his throat. “Uh… sorry to disturb you, your majesty, but we need to talk to you for a second.”
Luna nodded at them, then turned to Rex. “I will be back.”
She walked out of the interrogation room, letting the guards shut the door behind her. When they were done, she let out a pent-up sigh “I can safely say that I do not like this diamond dog. Nothing would give me more pleasure than to wipe that arrogant smirk off his face.”
The guards glanced at each other, then the one on the left, Mighty Force, spoke up. “You might get that chance, Princess.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“We were so hasty in giving you the ransom note, that we… didn’t analyze the rock,” River said.
Mighty frowned at him. “You made us look stupid.”
“I’m sorry, okay? I was just trying to -”
“No need to feel sorry, my gentle colt,” Luna cut him off. “Just tell me what you found.”
“Well… it appears that a return address was written on the bottom of it,” River revealed.
“... What?”
“Yeah, we thought the same thing,” Mighty added. “Should we believe it?”
Luna quietly pondered this new development. Was it a trick? Or was it actually possible for a criminal to be that simple minded? Based on the guard’s description of one of them wearing a trench coat and sunglasses in the middle of the night to sneak around the castle, it actually seemed quite likely.
So, with the current knowledge she had, Luna came to a decision. “Rex told me that his partner was not very smart. Based on the writing of the ransom note, their leader doesn’t appear to be very smart either. I’m sure my sister would be more tactful, but I say we go for it. If it fails, we can always re-open negotiations with our prisoner.”
With her decision made, Luna re-entered the interrogation room. She found Rex sitting with his elbow on the table and his head resting on his hand. Luna cleared her throat. “We have decided to agree with your demands.”
Rex sat up slowly, eyeing the princess warily. “... Really?”
“Oh, yes. Come, and I will show you your new home. If you are satisfied, we can discuss things further.”
“That was fast… but I’ll take it!” Rex jumped to his feet. “Lead the way, Princess.”
Luna led Rex down a dark corridor, with the two guards flanking him on opposite sides. As they walked down a twisting set of stairs, Rex began to prattle on in arrogance, his snide tone like a nail on a chalkboard to Luna’s ears. “You know, I'm starting to like you ponies. You’re easy to kidnap and not very bright, but you got some good things going for you.”
“...Right.”
“Has a diamond dog ever lived in Canterlot?”
“I don’t believe so.”
“Well then, I’m happy to be the first.”
“Oh yes, we’ve made sure you’ll be close by to us.”
Finally, they reached a set of ominous back doors. Rex took one look at them and stopped in his tracks. The rusted handles were enveloped in a blue aura as Luna pushed them open with her magic. The metal doors creaked loudly as they opened, their sound echoing into a massive chamber. Inside was a large pathway, with rows of cells on both sides that stretched out into darkness.
These days, most criminals were sent to the modern prison in Manehattan, but certain cases could still be taken to the dungeons below Canterlot. With a smirk, Luna stepped aside to let Rex get a better view. “Here we are.”
Rex’s face went pale, and he began to back up slowly. “Uh… this isn’t -” he backed right into the guards, who stood like a brick wall.
“Take this criminal to a cell,” Luna ordered.
The guards grabbed both of Rex’s arms and dragged him into the depths of the dungeon. He thrashed and squirmed, but was no match for the strength of two trained earth ponies. All he could do was yell in defiance. “Get off me, you stupid horses!”
“No need for the racist remark, you mutt.” River said.
“You just contradicted yourself,” Mighty noted
“Sorry.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Just put him in a cell, please.”
Picking a cell at random, the guards threw Rex in. He landed on the cold floor with a grunt as they slammed the door behind him. He quickly got back up and glared at them. “You guys are dicks.”
“You already told us that,” Mighty said.
“Well, I’m telling you again!”
Luna walked up to the cell, her smirk never fading. “I do hope you enjoy your new home, Rex. It’s perhaps not the most spacious, but I’m sure you’ll get used to it.”
Rex grabbed the bars firmly. “You damn pegacorn, you tricked me!”
“It wasn’t exactly hard. The irony of you calling your partners the stupid ones is very humorous.”
Rex dropped his head down, his mind seemingly processing what was happening to him. A few seconds later he looked back up and grinned. “Okay hold on, let’s re-negotiate. I don’t need a house that big!”
Luna’s smirk fell, she could hardly believe it. Here Rex was, locked in a cell, completely at her mercy, and he was still trying to get something out of it? He was quite possibly the most selfish creature she had ever met. “No, you don’t. This will suit you well.”
“How about five hundred thousand bits?” Rex bargained, sweat dripping down his face. “That’s not bad, right?”
Luna shook her head slowly, her eyes narrowing in disgust. Without another word, she turned to leave.
“Okay, one hundred thousand, that’s my final offer!” Rex called out, his voice almost cracking.
The guards followed Luna out the door. “Goodbye Rex.”
“Damn you!” Rex screamed, punching the bars in a blind rage. Without turning around, Luna once again enveloped the doors in a blue aura. Rex watched helplessly as she slammed them shut, leaving him to vent in dim solitude.