//------------------------------// // Entry 23 - ALCOHOL! // Story: A Very Happy and Sunny Life // by Wearin Hat //------------------------------//     It feels so very good to be drunk!  You can’t even imagine how long it has been since I’ve been in the wonderful haze of an alcoholic stupor.     Remember how I said that drinking drowns the pain?  Well, it also helps me think clearly. Isn’t that great?!  And trust me; I’ve been doing some thinking since I started drinking at noon.     I miss them; I miss them all so much.  Why do they keep leaving me? I’ve never done anything to harm the ones I care about.  The only ponies I hurt are the ponies that deserve it. Why do the ones I love always leave?     I don’t get it.  Am I that bad? I know I can be a bit heartless at times, but that’s no reason to abandon me.     I’m not supposed to be alone.  Nopony should be alone. It just isn’t right.  I don’t understand it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the silence as much as the next pony, but too much silence is too loud.  When I don’t have anypony to talk to, the thoughts get mean. I don’t like it when they get mean.     I have a secret weapon though; ALCOHOL!     Sure, the pain will always be there, but now I can completely numb it.     My Mom died a horrible death.  I can’t even imagine how much pain she was in when she finally closed her eyes for the last time.  She looked happy enough, though. I mean, yeah, she was probably only smiling cause she managed to save me and my Dad from the wrath of some dumb bees, but she still looked so peaceful.     Her death left me feeling so cold, so very cold.  Every breath was one I struggled to make and every second of life was one that seemed just too damn long.  I’d be lying if I said that I never intended to die to rejoin her. In fact, I’ve tried multiple times to be with her again, but I have a tendency to fail when I try to kill myself.     Alcohol takes all that away.  I don’t feel cold anymore when I think about her.  If anything, my chest feels all warm and cozy when I think about her while I’m drunk.  I’m feeling that way right now in fact! The breaths don’t struggle and the seconds are just FLYING by really quickly!     It does the same thing for Daddy Dearest and his whore.     I remember crying to Celestia to blow up the sun and kill him the night before he left.  No sun-blowing up occurred, but he was gone by noon the next day. At first, everything was fun and aloof with happiness.  I didn’t even care that he took the mare I cared about the most with him. I was so very sure that I’d be better without having him or his slut around.     Oh, how wrong I was.     With him gone the thoughts started to get mean.  They told me that I wasn’t even worth his time anymore, which is crap because I know I’m worth his damn time.  I’m worth his time more than that cunt of a slut of his (Sunburst was that bitch’s name.) that he took with him.     Alcohol fixes that.  I don’t feel unwanted.  The thoughts aren’t so mean.  I don’t care that Sunburst used me to get to my Dad and then left with him.  They made their decisions and I’m perfectly fine with those choices. I don’t need my Dad’s attention and I CERTAINLY don’t need Sunburst shooting me a smile meant to twist and burn my soul.     Rotten bitch.  Disgusting whore.  Rancid open sore of a cunt.  Foul fucking wretch.     I hope with all of my heart that festering slut is rotting in an alley somewhere.     And I hope she felt all of it.     Ahem.  Moving on.     Shirley….oh sweet crap…Shirley…I’ve been so lost without her…Booky, you have to understand how much she meant to me.  She was the guiding light through the dark, a beacon that told me that everything would be ok. She didn’t die to save me; she didn’t leave me because she didn’t want me, and she didn’t leave me because she wanted something more.  Shirley left because fate stole her from me. The nights were so damn numb without her there. She didn’t even fix any problems of mine. Shirley filled a gap that I didn’t even know existed.     Alcohol…it…helps me forget her.  When I’m drunk, she never existed.  I never spent hours divulging every secret of mine to her.  I never laughed with great mirth at some understanding that didn’t even need to be spoken.  I never spent sunrises and sunsets scribbling about the beauty of the night and day. No…there was never a gap to be filled and it was never filled.     Then there was Shimmer Shade.  I don’t know if she was even supposed to happen.  While she was here, I was the happiest I’ve been in years and since she left I’ve been the most hurt I’ve ever been.     Sure, it was only four days, but they were four of MY days.  I don’t waste time. I don’t waste days. Every second is one that I cherish and acknowledge.  Those four days lasted an eternity. I never deserved her. I never deserved to be that happy and I sure as tartarus don’t deserve to be this unhappy!     Alcohol killed her.  She’s dead to me. My mind is so awash with wonderful hard cider that her existence has been wiped clean from me.     It makes EVERYTHING better.  Some ponies even came knocking at my door throughout the day.  I’m not even sure if they do that often as I’m usually not awake during the day.     I counted each visitor; seven.  SEVEN ponies tried to be guests of mine.  I didn’t open the door. No, they’d want me to share my precious alcohol.  SCREW THEM! This is my drunk and I’m gonna enjoy it!     You’re such a good listener.  You’re no Shirley…Shirley…no, you aren’t her.  You’re you. Something entirely different from her.  I don’t laugh into the night with you and I don’t feel torn that you’re gone….cause you aren’t gone.  No, you sit there and let me bitch. She never liked to let me bitch.     You know, who needs mares?  I’ve got you and you’ve got me.     You know what; I know just how to cement that.  I may be drunk, but I’m sure it won’t ruin the magic.