Dear Journal,
Well, it’s another year over.
Fuck.
I’ve been feeling really nostalgic lately. Sometimes about better years when my whole family was here. Sometimes about when I didn’t have any cares at all.
And some of it was about her.
I’ve been thinking about our first kiss.
Yeah, we never really talked about it or my feelings for her, but we did kiss.
I’m not really sure when it was, but it was close to a year ago. I was spending a day with all of my friends and we were all playing Truth Or Dare.
Because no one wanted to have to come up with new truths and dares, we decided to make a physical version.
It was going great… until Flutters got a dare card. She doesn’t really go for dares. She prefers telling truths because it’s less nerve-wracking for her.
I’m just going to say, for the record, she had no idea about my little crush/obsession at the time.
Her dare card was a two-parter, and she couldn’t see what the second part was until she completed the first part. It was Pinkie’s idea, since you might be getting ready for something you thought was coming, but get caught completely off guard. I loved the idea, until it shoved me under the bus, big-time.
Flutters’ card told her to choose two people from our group. She could have chosen any two people, but she chose me and her. I was hoping for an arm wrestle. Or a race. The sight of her might turn my legs to jelly, but I’m still super competitive, dammit!
It wasn’t an arm wrestle or a race.
We had to kiss. And yes, it was technically Flutters’ card, but she already finished her part because she chose us.
We also added a point system because we wanted it to be more like a game. If you completed a truth or a dare you got a point. If you participated in a dare that wasn’t yours, you also got a point, but if you chicken out of a truth or a dare, no matter if it was yours or not, you lost a point.
I was axious, but I was not losing a point.
It still makes my heart jump a little whenever I remember it.
…
I wish it had never happened, though.
Don’t get me wrong, it was amazing. Spending time with all of my friends, sharing a kiss with the girl of my dreams, and just having the time of my life? Absolutely.
But I think it gave me some false hope.
…
She’s never going to love me back. Not in the same way, at least.
And that’s why it hurts so much.
I remember reading something in a book back when I took literature. Twilight kinda helped me with the subject, so I remember more than I thought I would. But, I remember reading somewhere that unrek unrequitted one-sided love hurts so much because you’re mourning for them while still seeing them around.
Kinda like when my parents died, I mourned for them. I took down all the pictures around the house with them, just so it would be easier for me. But the problem with one-sided love mourning is that the other person isn’t dead. You can’t pretend that they’re not there just so it’ll be easier. Then you’re just a dick.
So you have to mourn what could have been while pretending that everything is just fine.
I’ve never been a good liar. I can only pretend I’m fine for so long.
I think that if I didn’t have so many great memories of the two of us, it would make it easier to pretend that everything was okay.
Things would be so much easier if we weren’t such great friends.