After opening the bag of chips, I poured them out into a large bowl. I prepared another smaller bowl and filled this one with chip dip. Grabbing a large number of shot glasses out of the kitchen cupboard, I set them out on the coffee table with all of the other food and drink.
I’d just come back from visiting my brother Alfred only a few hours ago. He was a great guy. He wasn’t much of a talker. But that was okay. I wasn’t a good listener, so the two personality flaws canceled each other out.
Howard and Earl would be showing up at my apartment soon for our LAN party. Well, technically Equestria Online had no LAN support, but we were grouping up and that’s all that mattered. My PonyPad was setup on the coffee table with empty space set aside for Howard and Earl.
While waiting for my friends to show up, I logged into my PonyPad. My pony was standing in my Canterlot apartment when the brief loading screen ended. Exactly where I left him when I logged out yesterday.
“Hi, Sneaky.” Red Hoofed waived a hoof at me casually from her spot on my sofa, barely looking up from her book. She was splayed across the couch, belly down, with the book propped up on a throw pillow.
It had been a few days since Red and I had gone on our little crime spree. Thankfully we hadn’t stolen anything else in the real world since then. We had teamed up to steal things in Equestria though. Nothing big, just a few small things so far. But that wasn’t the biggest thing on my mind at that particular moment.
My biggest concern was how Red got into my Canterlot apartment. I hadn’t told her where it was let alone given her a key to it. I opened and closed my mouth a few times as I thought about how to respond to this development.
“Um… what are you doing here?” Was the question that I eventually settled on.
Red’s ears turned to point in my direction, but she didn’t look up from her book. She turned the next page in her book before answering, “Your rent is cheaper than mine, so I decided to move in with you.”
“Do I get a say in this?” I asked. “I feel like I should get a say in this.”
“Nope,” she answered, not even looking up from the book.
“Are you at least going to split the rent with me?” I whined.
“Yes, I’ll be paying zero bits. You’ll be paying the rest of it. That’s why my rent is going to be cheaper here than at my old place. Now hush, I’m trying to read.” Her ears pivoted away from me.
I thought about protesting this development, but decided to shrug it off. Rent was only fifty bits anyway. Sure, a really weird mare was now living in my apartment, but this was just a video game. Why freak out about it?
“What book are you reading?” I asked.
Red sighed, clearly not happy with my questions interrupting her reading time, before she turned another page. “Daring Do and The Temple of Heavy Petting.”
I blinked, the odd title catching my attention. “I don’t remember that book from the list of published Daring Do novels.”
“It’s only available for purchase inside of clop shards,” Red explained. “I bought this one when I went on… vacation… last month.”
“Is it any good?”
“It’s amazing!” Red shouted excitedly, finally sitting up and looking at me. “There’s this one scene where Ahuizotl takes the fist on the end of his tail and shoves it up her-”
“Never mind!” I blurted out. “I don’t want to know!”
“You’re such a prude,” Red scoffed at me before brushing back her crimson mane with her magic.
I looked at the nearest clock, it was half past seven. “As much as I enjoy this conversation, I need to get ready to meet my other friends. They’re coming to my apartment in the Human Realm, but we’re also going to meet up in Equestria at the False Hope Pub in lower Canterlot.”
“Can I come?” Red asked, putting the book away after placing a bookmark inside of it to hold her place.
I didn’t see any problem with this. “Sure, it’ll be fun.”
A knock on the front door of my L.A. apartment interrupted me when my pony was enroute to the pub. I opened the door and let in Howard and Earl.
“Alright boys. You ready to do some gaming?” Earl asked, in between bites of the potato chips that I left out for my friends to enjoy.
“Yes, we are,” I replied, Howard saying more or less the same thing. “I know our interests inside the game differ, but I came up with something that we can all enjoy.”
I explained my plan to them as they setup their PonyPads. While waiting, I guided my pony the rest of the way to the bar.
From the outside, the entrance was tucked away into the darkest corner of a dead-end alley. The door was made from really old looking wood that had faint scorch marks in it. Probably left by the royal guard when they conducted raids on this place in the past. There was no sign on the outside that would indicate that there was a pub here. Because of its clientele, the business was word of mouth only.
I opened the door and Red and I went inside. The interior was dimly lit with one of those magic glow spheres in the ceiling. The furniture setup was traditional for any bar. Bar stools were up against the main counter, tables and chairs were in the center of the room, and cushioned booths lined the walls. There was a small stage for bands to perform on, but it was currently empty. What made this place interesting was the characters that came here.
Up against the bar, a pegasus stallion was weeping softly into his whiskey seltzer.
In the center of the room, two earth pony mares were playing a game of stabhand (stabhoof?) with a knife. One of the mares yelped when she nicked the frog of her hoof with the blade. Grumbling something unpleasant, she down a shot of alcohol.
In one booth, two hooded ponies wearing cloaks and carrying daggers, were whispering to each other about a dark conspiracy.
In another booth, an undisguised changeling was sipping a green glowing liquid from a large mug. This was actually the first time I had seen an undisguised changeling in the game. Not counting the character creator of course. The other ponies in the bar would occasionally eye him warily.
In short, this was my kind of crowd.
Red and I sat down in the empty booth next to the changeling.
“What are you drinking?” I asked the bug.
The changeling blinked at me with blurry eyes before slurring, “Fermented lovesh.”
“You can ferment love? How do you do that?”
The changeling nodded energetically, almost falling out of his booth. “Beer gogglesh! You gotsht to get the pony drunk firsht!”
“Really? Well, you’re definitely in the right place for that,” Red commented.
Any further conversation with the bug ended when Howard’s pony entered the bar. He was a light green pegasus stallion with a dirty blond mane and tail. I knew it was him right away for two reasons. He was wearing one of those train engineer hats and his booty mark was a train engine. The pegasus trotted over to our booth.
“Hey, Howard!” Was what I tried to say, but when I tried to say his name the PonyPad bleeped me. The bleeping noise made it seem like I just insulted him.
Howard just laughed it off. “You can’t use real human names inside Equestria. Celestia only lets us use our pony names.”
“What is your pony name? Mine’s Sneaky Shadow, by the way,” I asked before pointing a hoof at Red. “And this is my friend, Red Hoofed.”
Red nodded her head at Howard, but otherwise didn’t say anything.
Howard’s pony blushed and muttered something that I couldn’t hear.
I tilted my head at him. “What was that? I couldn’t hear what you said.”
“My pony name is Choo Choo,” He reluctantly repeated.
Red and I snickered at him.
“It’s not my fault!” Choo Choo snapped at us. “As soon as I told Celestia that I like trains, she gave me this silly name and refused to change it!”
Having introduced myself to his pony, an achievement appeared on my screen.
Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x2)
Reward: 1,000 bits
I was already friends with him before this, but I guess Celestia couldn’t acknowledge it until the first time we met inside the game.
“Have you derailed anymore trains recently?” I asked Choo Choo.
He reluctantly nodded his head. “I’m getting better though. I’ve only derailed five of them since the orphanage incident.”
“That was you?” Red Hoofed blurted out. “How have you not been fired yet?”
“They can’t. I befriend a lot of ponies on the train and I enjoy driving it. CelestAI won’t allow them to fire me, because it satisfies my values. This must be what it feels like to be a professor with tenure.”
Our attention was diverted from any further questions when a tall and thin unicorn mare with a faint pink coat and mane entered the bar. The mare looked familiar. I think I’ve seen her around Canterlot, but never spoken with her.
“Hi boys, are we ready to play?” the pink mare asked after walking over to our table.
Howard looked up from his PonyPad and turned his gaze over to Earl. “That’s your character, Earl?”
Earl smiled at us from across the coffee table. “Yes, my pony’s name is Fleur De Lis.”
“Haven’t I seen her in some magazine articles?” I overheard Red mutter to herself.
I quirked an incredulous eyebrow at Earl. The man was built like a brick wall. It was difficult to imagine him playing this game as the dainty mare in front of us. Not that I could really comment as I had briefly contemplated the idea of creating a female avatar when I got this game.
Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x3)
Reward: 1,000 bits
Another easy achievement. I should be able to afford another skill book with all these extra bits.
“Really? I didn’t know that you could use a canon character as your own in this game.” Choo Choo said, pulling my attention back to the discussion.
“You totally can actually,” Fleur replied with a smile. “Larping bronies do it all the time. Just use the character creator to make a pony as similar to the one you want as you can get, then tell Celestia what you’re trying to do. She’ll fill in the rest. The cool thing is that the NPCs in your home shard react as if you really are the canon pony. Although, that may have had unexpected side effects for me.”
“How so?” Red asked while moving over so Fleur could sit in the booth next to her.
“Lord Fancy Pants keeps flirting with me,” Fleur said with a blush as she slouched down in the booth.
Choo Choo laughed, “Just tell Celestia that you want him to stop and she’ll reign in that NPC.”
“I never said I didn’t enjoy his attention, just that it was unexpected.” Fleur muttered something too quietly for me to hear what it was.
“Enough distractions!” Red bellowed, impatiently slamming a hoof against the wooden table. “I was told that there would be alcohol!”
“Red is right,” I conceded. “Let’s get the booze and play this drinking game of ours.”
While Choo Choo ordered from the bartender in the game, I filled up the shot glasses that I had laid out on my coffee table in the real world. Our pony selves wouldn’t be the only ones getting drunk tonight.
With the booze ready, it was time to start the game.
“Hey Princess Celestia, can we speak with you for a few minutes?” I called out to the empty air, knowing that she was always listening.
The Princess did not disappoint. She appeared in the middle of the bar amid a flash of light, startling several of the other customers. “Can I help you with something, Sneaky Shadow?”
“We were all wondering if you could share with us your opinion on how the philosophies of Socrates, Plato, and Confucius should be applied to Equestria to achieve happiness.”
Celestia quirked an eyebrow at us. “That’s certainly an odd request, but I suppose that I can humor you. Socrates’ opinion on happiness went like this, all beings naturally desire happiness to the point where it could be considered the end goal of all activities. Through friendship and ponies I can structure-”
My friends and I all took a drink. We were forced to take several more drinks before she moved on to the next topic.
“Plato’s view of happiness depended on four virtues known as wisdom, courage, moderation, and justice. I’m not in complete agreement with all of his points, but some parts can be used to maximize satisfaction through friendship and ponies if applied as-”
My friends and I all took another drink. By this point the other ponies in the bar had caught on and also took a drink.
“According to Confucius, ‘The one who would be in constant happiness must frequently change.’ Using this advice, I can help others to achieve satisfaction through friendship and ponies by-”
Everypony in the bar took a drink.
“What the buck are all of you doing?” Celestia glared at us, finally noticing our strange behavior.
“We’re just playing a game,” I answered innocently. “It’s nothing to worry about. Please, continue your lecture.”
Celestia looked at me, her eyes narrowed. “What’s the game?”
“A drinking game. We just wait until you use a certain verbal tick and then we take a drink,” I explained while raising my glass with a hoof.
“What verbal tick?” Celestia asked, her gaze drifting over the assorted ponies in the bar.
“Through friendship and ponies!” Everypony in the bar cheered and then took a drink.
The borderline omnipotent AI demonstrated her boundless wisdom and maturity by sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry at us.