//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Awakening // Story: Proxy // by Thithle Candytufth //------------------------------// “How can you do this to her?! You said she was—” “Yes, Spike. And that’s exactly why I’m doing it.” Twilight Sparkle stirred, lifting her violet-shrouded head from her pillow. She gave a weary glance around the room. Bookshelves, as expected, but instead of the oaken interior she was greeted by cool, blue walls and a massive bay window pouring in shreds of early-morning light. Shifting from her downy blanket, she rubbed a hoof against her forehead in confusion. Why am I in Canterlot? Instinctively, she shot a glance at the foot of the bed. The diminutive doggy-bed was empty. She squinted, her vision still clouded with tiredness. The pillow and blanket were both on the floor, at least a foot away from the bed. Spike is messy as usual… After stretching, Twilight managed to lift herself from the bed. Once getting her balance, she half-trotted to the door. She opened the door and began to walk down the street, slowly and aimlessly, pondering what may have occurred. There had to be an explanation for this. None she could think of in her morning stupor, though. She shot glances at the sides of the road. The streets were bustling as always for a Sunday morning, the café, as always, was the epicenter of conversation. But, Canterlot felt foreign and strange and empty and dead. She felt as if she was flowing through the motions of another pony’s life. This isn’t Twilight Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle lives in Ponyville. She wakes up every morning and undoubtedly sees a half-dozen faces she recognizes. The only thing that reminded Twilight of the tactile reality she was in was the occasional icy November zephyr that caught Twilight’s streaked mane and blew it in front of her face. You can’t let this get to you, Twilight, she thought, It’s probably nothing. But it was a “nothing” she could not explain. I need to get back to Ponyville… Twilight stopped in her tracks. But something tells me I should see the Princess before I do anything… She began to walk down the winding road to the castle. At this point, her morning stupor had completely left her. Her mind was racing. She had no doubts the Princess would not mind having her visit uninvited. No, it was everything else about the situation that had her worried. Spike is a late sleeper. It can’t be later than 6 A.M. Where could he possibly be? He must have slept here last night— I took the bed with me to Ponyville the first day I went there. I distinctly remember going to sleep in my bed after Pinkie’s party. I remember promising to go to Carousel Boutique to help Rarity reorganize inventory today. She’s probably started without me. She must think I’ve forgotten or I don’t even care. I wanted to help! I’ve got to get back. The train isn’t even running on Sundays— I’ll have to get an escort. There’s no way I’m teleporting that far. What if they’re all wondering where I am and they’re searching for me and there’s no way to find me I can’t even send them a letter since Spike’s gone and Fluttershy’s probably in a panic and Applejack’s must have the whole family turning Ponyville upside-down and— No. Stay sane. This is a nothing. But I can’t possibly— You’ll get through this. Just keep up your pace, you’ll be at the castle in no time. But what if Rainbow— She’s fine and you’re fine. You’ve been awake for maybe ten minutes. Don’t kill yourself over this. The castle’s only 15 yards away. The buildings cleared and the splendorous Canterlot Garden came into view. Twilight slowed her trot, lifted her head and walked beneath the archway. She passed by a few Royal Guards, whom she greeted as jovially as she could in her current state. For the most part they returned the greeting with a tilted head and a confused look. Did I mix up my words? Did “good morning” not come out? The gate was thankfully open, and Twilight slipped through it in as respectful a manner as she could. The foyer was nearly empty. A few guards were scattered, holding side conversations, but nopony else. Twilight walked up the stairwell, attempting to make as little of a sound as possible. She felt strangely unwelcome, despite having had frequent visits before her time in Ponyville. Twilight stopped mid-stair. Wait. Applejack’s blanket. Why wouldn’t Spike take it with him if he brought the bed to Canterlot? Stop it. Talk to the Princess. And where’s Peewee and Owlowiscious? Stop it. And what about— She shook her head furiously, her slightly unkempt mane now a complete mess. Stay on target. Talk to the Princess. You’re only making it worse. She twitched a little as she moved forward, walking through the massive open door and into the throne room. Celestia was not present. She must be in her study. It won’t be an intrusion of I go in. The walls were lined with glorious stained glass, as always. Twilight always loved to see the two of her and her friends, defeating Nightmare Moon and Discord. She walked over to the wall. She gave them a quick glance. Loyalty, Honesty, Laughter, Kindness, Generosity. Everything is in order. Squinting, Twilight noticed that in her place appeared to be a white mare. Wait. Why am I white? Stop it. No, really. This is weird. STOP! Twilight bashed her head against the wall. She reeled back, and dizzily spun around. She fell flat on her face. She lied prone on the carpet, her head spinning. She shut her eyes and drifted off. --- Twilight awoke again to green flames. Ashes materialized before her eyes, forming together into a tattered scroll. Spike? The letter fell into her hooves. As she read it her face contorted into indescribable expressions. “Dear Twilight, I am so sorry to wake you. I couldn’t bear to see you as you were. I know you will hate me for this, but it is out of my deepest friendship that I did what I did. Don’t worry; you won’t have to see me again. It is going to hurt a lot, but please, please go to the gallery. You have to understand. With love, Spike.” Twilight crumpled the letter in her hooves. She knew sadness was the reaction. Tears found their way to her eyes. No… What do you even… Why? The gallery? Gone forever? Why would I ever hate you? Bear to see me as I was? What was wrong? What is happening? Wake me? How did you know I was unconscious? What? Where have you gone?! I need you now! Do you know what’s going on?! Twilight could not bear to move. The momentous weight of the few words she read tied her hooves to the carpet. Her head was spinning more than ever. Spike’s cryptic words, her strange situation. Nothing was coming together. Not a shred of sense. Everything was wrong. She had fallen in an abyss of confusion, and nopony was there to help her. The Princess… No, go to the gallery. Spike said nothing about Celestia. Just do as he says. Wiping tears from her face, she managed to lift her body off of the carpet. She walked out of the throne room, her gait somber, her face pointed at the ground. The foyer was empty. She took a turn to the left wing. The gallery, as she remembered, had only a few paintings of Equestrian founders. What purpose could it possibly serve? She took a few turns, navigating the complicated corridors with ease. Wake me… from what? The words still plagued her mind. She wished she could just get an explanation, no matter how grim the realization would be. She wanted this transitional hurt to end. After what felt like a century of wandering, she made it to the gallery. The room was hexagonal and windowless. The walls were perfectly white. She remembered oil paintings of Chancellor Puddinghead, Smart Cookie, Princess Platinum… Each was given their own respective wall, behind thick panes of glass. But even upon walking into the room, it was clear that they were different. She walked up to the leftmost wall. In the place of a nouveau-style painting of Princess Platinum in full regalia, there was a much different portrait. It was a white unicorn, much like the historical figure, but wearing an artfully crafted maroon dress. Beneath it, in hand-painted script, was “Rarity: Generosity. 1012-1083”. Twilight took a jump back. 1083 was over nine centuries ago. She felt pressure in her forehead, as if the capillaries in her brain were about to explode. She rushed to the other paintings, the results were the same: Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. 1012-1083. 1013-1070. 1012-1056. 1013-1080. 1013-1074. “I couldn’t stay by them… I wanted you to in my stead.” Twilight spun around, tears pouring from her face. In her midst was the most despondent-looking alicorn eyes ever beheld. Celestia’s eyes nervously swept the floor. Her front hooves were crosses awkwardly. Her head was tilted downwards. Her massive, trailing, colorful mane was tied back. Her eyes were veiled with tears. “What do you mean?! Where are they?!” Twilight shouted, her voice reverberating and shaking the glass panels. “I’m afraid they’re gone…” Her voice trailed, as she choked on her words. “I couldn’t— you…” “Tell me!” Celestia coughed again. She struggled to make her face stern. “Silence your tongue, Twilight Sparkle. Listen to me.” Twilight restrained every muscle in her body. She was ready to throw herself forward and tackle Celestia. Weakly, she replied. “Yes, Princess”. “I was born over a thousand years ago, as you know. I was a member of the Royal Family, of course. When I was eighteen years of age, I visited the town of Ponyville. The town of Ponyville as you saw it. “I met Pinkie Pie first, as you did. I found her insufferable, as you did. I tried to avoid her, and Applejack, and Rarity, and Rainbow, and Fluttershy. As you did. “It was then that the entire “Nightmare Moon” incident occurred. We managed to banish my sister into the moon… I still am unsure how to feel about our actions.” Twilight raised her head. “But what about Luna?” “Luna is here. I will not draw your attention to the new carriers of the Elements of Harmony. Please allow me to keep on topic.” Twilight struggled to silence herself. Celestia continued. “In our efforts to stop her, we built up a relationship. I could feel for them, I felt their passions, talents, wonderful qualities but also their flaws and issues. I wanted to be with them forever. I lived the greater part of my early years in Ponyville. I witnessed all of my best friends perish, Twilight Sparkle. One after the other. I realized the reality of my situation with Fluttershy.” Celestia choked again. “So young…” Her voice returned to sternness. “And here I am, mulling over their deaths, nine centuries later.” Twilight interrupted. The signs of sadness had left her. A combination of confusion, pity and anger filled its place. “But where do I come into all of this?” “I once said to you that I see a lot of myself in you.” “You don’t mean—” “Have you heard of the idea of ‘living vicariously’ through someone?” “You—” Her voice turned penitent. “I am sorry, Twilight Sparkle. For me to take a piece of your short life for my own needs is horrible.” “That’s not the point! You had me befriend these… illusions!” “They’re not just illusions. Their actions are set based on the personality traits I witnessed, firsthand. You were a beneficiary to the love of my friends. I shared the magic of friendship with you and you attack me?” “They weren’t real! Everything they’ve ever done, nothing came out of it!” “I watched every winking moment of this ‘illusion’. I wanted to see them again. I wanted to see the wonderful friends I had, acting out of solely love and care for another. They made you who you are. They sculpted the socially demented little student of mine into one of the greatest friends anypony can have. But now that you’ve been awakened, that’s all gone. And that is of no fault of mine, nor yours, but of an oversight.” “Spike is not an oversight. Apparently he was the only actual friend of mine.” “He broke the lovely dream you were in.” “He made me stop being your stand-in.” “Were you not happy when you were with them? Did you not have the best moments of your life, living out my memories?” “I want my own memories. I want my own friends!” “You will never find friends as perfect as them. I know. I’ve lived a thousand years, and I’ve never found friends quite like them.” “Then make your own little pipe-dream! Make your little dream-puppets and experience this ‘magic of friendship’ that I apparently never really got!” “Let me ask you something, Twilight. Do you still think that friendship is magic?” Twilight paused. Everything. Ever. Was a lie. Friendship isn’t magic. “…What I experienced wasn’t friendship.” “You experienced my friendships. The epitome of love, care and happiness from five other mares. You do not think that that feeling you got when you were with them was magic?” “I was never with them. I never had friends.” Twilight stopped again. Everything up to this point, the indeterminably long and glorious stretch of time, was fake. But it was the only thing in my life that felt like it had any semblance of a purpose. And it was fake. But it was purpose. “You… you gave me meaning. Your life’s meaning. Not mine. And then it was taken from me…” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You miss them, now?” “Maybe I do. Real or not… they were the only friends I’ll ever have…” “I’m so sorry, Twilight Sparkle. I have nothing to justify my actions. For the years you have been asleep, whenever I was not seeing my friends, I felt like the most repulsive creature in Equestria.” “I’ll never forgive you for tantalizing me. For showing me this magic of friendship, dangling a carrot in front of my eyes. Friendship is magic, Princess. But I’ll never have it.” Twilight turned and walked out of the gallery. Celestia slumped over, sobbing. She gazed at the portraits. “I miss you all…” Twilight returned to her home. She lay there on the bed, her thoughts still processing. I haven’t lost anything, because I never had anything. Meaning showed itself only to shirk away. What am I supposed to do with myself?