//------------------------------//
// Chapter 18: Are You… A Real Villain? 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

Trixie closed the door of her wagon-slash-dressing room behind her with a sigh. “Great,” she muttered, “now Trixie needs a hooficure before her next show.” She looked across at the pony seated at her table. “You’re still here?”
“I went out for a walk,” Wits replied, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Stopped by a library not owned by the Princess of Friendship. Did you know Equestria averages 37 villain attacks per year?”
“I did not.”
“Roughly 80% of them end in reformation. Better odds than I’d expected, to be honest.”
“Fascinating.” Trixie hung her hat on a peg by the door. “What’re you eating?”
“Cheeseburger.” Wits swallowed his bite. “Got it from that Griffon stall in the market.”
“Smells good. What’s in it?”
Wits stared down at the burger in his hooves for a few seconds. “So, did Twilight suspect anything?”
Trixie fluffed her mane with one forehoof. “Of course not. Trixie is an excellent actor. They never suspected a thing.”
“And you made sure the map stayed sabotaged?” 
“I hardly had to. Whatever your friend did to it was putting up quite the struggle. Fortunately, I made sure to ‘lose’ in a sufficiently dramatic fashion. Now the Elements are off looking for some local versions of something or other.” Trixie took a seat across from Wits. “Do you want to know where your friends are?”
Wits took another bite of burger, chewing it slowly as he thought. “Not yet. If one of them is hiding us from the girls, there’s a good chance they’re hiding us from each other too.” He shrugged. “Not to worry. I’m sure the plot will bring us together when it’s ready.”
Trixie shrugged. “Suit yourself. Then what’s next? Where is the Trixie Express going today?”
“Twilight’s castle.”
“...Trixie was just at Twilight’s castle.”
“Yes, but the rest of the girls were there as well.” Wits set his burger on his plate, cleaning his mouth and hooves with a napkin. “They’ve split up to go looking for something, right? That means that, at most, there’s Twilight, Spike, and Starlight in there. Much better odds for sneaking around than a castle full of Mystery Inc.”
Trixie shrugged. As her horn glowed, the dark clouds of a portal began to form next to Wits End. “Anyplace in particular?”
“The library. Wait, no. Twilight’s room. I want to talk to someone first.” Wits stood, dropping his napkin on the table. “I’ll let you know when to bring me back.” As he stepped through the portal, he waved a forehoof. “And don’t touch my burger while I’m gone.”


* * *


Wits appeared next to Twilight’s canopy bed. “Room service?” he asked quietly as he snuck across the floor. “That’s a nice change. Let’s see here...” Half a dozen glowing hands appeared around him, each one zipping off to a corner of the room. “That should be enough to find a book or two. Now just to wait for-” He was cut off by one hand returning with a hardcover journal adorned by a red and orange sun. “Huh. Thought that’d take longer.”
After hopping backwards onto Twilight’s bed, Wits began flipping through the journal. “Ah, Twilight’s greatest success story. Dear Princess Celestia,” he read under his breath. “Yadda yadda yadda… Dazzlings are taking over the school… A lot to learn about friendship…  Three guys from another world… Ah, here’s the last entry. Now I just need a pen...” Another pair of hands zipped over, a quill and ink at the ready. “Alright, let’s see if she’s home. Dear… Sunset… Shimmer… Did you miss me?”
A few seconds passed as Wits watched the ink dry. Just when he was about to close the book on his plan, two words appeared below his. 
Light Patch?
Wits blinked. “Li- What? No! Does that really look like something he’d write?” He groaned as he wrote. “No, it’s Wits End. I’m so glad you recognized me immediately.”
What are you doing with the journal?! Sunset’s reply came quickly. Are you back in Twilight’s castle?
After a quick glance around Twilight’s room, Wits returned his attention to the book. “In a sense,” he muttered as he wrote. “I want to talk to you about something.”
There was a moment of hesitation before Sunset’s writing returned. You’re not actually back, are you? You just stole the journal from Twilight.
“Ouch,” Wits said as he stood, bringing the book with him to Twilight’s writing desk. “I’m not planning on leaving with it, so it’s not technically stealing.”
What do you want to ask, then? 
“When you were a villain, what was your plan?”
A longer hesitation this time. The words 'I don’t want' appeared on the page for a moment before being erased. Finally, Sunset’s response started again. I wanted to take over Equestria.
“That seems to be going around. Why did you want to do that?”
Because I was angry. Angry at Princess Celestia for not trusting me. So first I ran away, and then I started planning my revenge. Sound familiar?
Wits frowned. “I’m not looking for revenge.”
Twilight made it sound like you were committing pretty hard to the villain thing.
“Good, that was kinda the goal. Besides, I have an endgame in all of this.” He paused. Let’s plant some seeds, shall we? he thought. “After you took over Equestria, what was your plan?”
In the moment before Sunset’s response, a flash of light caught Wits’ attention. He looked towards it to find a blue wormhole floating a few feet away. On the other side of the wormhole was a pair of purple-coated stallions: Purple Heart, and Purple Heart. “Wits End?” the two of them asked.
Wits blinked. “Wha-” Before he could finish, the portal snapped shut again, and he found himself staring at blank space. He gestured with one forehoof to where the wormhole had been. “What the flank was that?”
More confused than he had been before, Wits turned back to read Sunset’s reply. I didn’t have a plan. I was angry, and all I wanted to do was hurt the one I was angry at. If Celestia saw me leading an army to defeat her, I knew it would hurt her whether I succeeded or not. 
“Sounds like you got some professional help,” Wits muttered, the floating hands writing down his words once again.
Friendship is Therapy, came Sunset’s reply. ...Who are you trying to hurt, Wits?
“No-one,” he said quickly. 
Then what are you running from? 
Wits hesitated. As he did, Sunset’s reply continued. I’m here if you need me, Wits. That’s what friends are for.
After a moment, Wits sighed. “Maybe I’m not running from something. Maybe I’m trying to run to it. Just gotta put my best effort into falling so I can come back up again.”
That seems very deep, but did you have to write *sighs* back there?
Wits stared at the page, then at the magical hand taking notation. “Really? What are we, 13 years old in a chatroom? Leave out the narrative details, and just write what I say!” He sighed and, after checking to make sure that exhalation wasn’t recorded on the page, continued dictating. “Thanks, Sunset. You’re the first one I’ve talked to who gave me some actual insight. Let Twilight know I’ll return the book when I’m done with it. Less than three!”
Return what book? Wits, what are you- The journal slammed shut as Wits turned away from the desk. Behind him, one of the hands was holding a large hardcover tome. “Ah, perfect.” He grabbed the book and looked over the cover. “Good ol’ Tomb of Horses. I’ve been wanting to see what we missed.” He snapped the fingers of one of the magical hands, and vanished through Trixie’s portal.


* * *


The Tomb of Horses landed on Trixie’s table with a heavy thud. She looked up from her seat with a bemused expression. “All that for a nerd’s roleplaying book?” she asked.
“And a phone book,” Wits replied. “Where’s the rest of my burger?”
“Back in its burg?” Trixie stifled a burp. “So, is this another artifact of incredible power? Like the helmet?”
“More like a playbook. Discord might be a hack writer, but I’m hoping to crib some of his highlights.” Wits rolled his shoulders. “Now, there’s a couple more villains I wanna talk to before the day is over. I need some ‘what not to do’ examples. Who do you like more: Chrysalis or Tirek?”
Trixie sucked in air through her teeth. “Is neither an option? Was Sombra busy or something?”
“Is he back? I haven’t been up on recent events.”
“That was sarcasm. You should write off Tirek, though.”
Wits raised an eyebrow. “And why’s that?”
“Because Trixie can’t get you into Tartarus. There’s laws against it, which are backed up by magic from the Princesses themselves. You try to teleport in there and…” Fireworks shot out from the mare’s horn, sending multicolored sparks into the air.
“Nice visual aid,” Wits muttered.
“Trixie is a great performer.”
“So what about Chrysalis? Any spells keeping you from zapping me over to her?”
“Not magic, no. But no-pony knows where she is.” Trixie hesitated. “Although…”
“Although what?”
“Starlight had a theory that she was probably still close to the Crystal Empire, since her hive had to have had time to set up before Princess Cadence’s marriage.” Trixie frowned as she pondered. “It narrows it down, but not much…”
Wits grinned. “Actually, that narrows it down a lot. Now all we need is a map of the area under the Crystal Empire.”
“Under? Why under?”
“So we can find the scariest cave entrance, of course.”


* * *


The buzzing of insectoid wings echoed through the tunnels, drowning out the whistle of the winter winds outside the cave mouth. A dozen Changeling drones carried a wrought iron cage by way of two poles, six Changelings to a side, walking in lockstep. One stumbled on the uneven surface of the cavern floor, setting the cage rattling. Inside the metal bars, something glowed an ominous and sickly pink.
A hiss from deeper within the cave brought the Changelings to a sudden halt. Two glowing green points emerged from the darkness, forming into slitted eyes as the regal and tattered Changeling queen emerged. “Idiots!” she spat with a glare. “Be careful with that Misplacer Beast! Agitate it, and we’ll never find it again!”
One tense moment later, and the glow dissipated. Rather than a sigh of relief, Queen Chrysalis let out a low snarl as her gaze ran over the drones. “Put it in my chambers. And carefully! Or all of you will be out in that blizzard looking for lost ponies to use as rations. Understood?”
The drones nodded shakily, hefting the cage again and heading deeper into the cavern; Chrysalis looming behind them all the while. It was only once the iron casket was set on the stone floor before the queen’s throne that they let out a collective sigh. Chrysalis slunk to her throne, sitting on it like a snake on a clutch of eggs. “Get out,” she hissed, and the drones happily obliged. 
Once she was alone, Chrysalis allowed herself a sigh. “I’m surrounded by idiots.”
“Aww, he’s a cute one, innit he?”
Chrysalis’ head snapped up to see a mint-colored unicorn crouched in front of the iron cage, making cooing noises at the creature inside as a small, spiked tentacle batted at his hoof.
“Get away from that!” she barked. “How did you find this place?”
“Oh come on, not even a little impressed that I found your little hidey-hole?” Wits stood, brushing the cave dust off of himself in the process. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on telling anyone about Chateau de Skull Head. I’ve just got a few questions.”
“I don’t answer questions,” Chrysalis spat. “I ask them. Who are you?”
Wits blinked. “Oh, right, you’re the first one I’ve talked to who didn’t already know me. Gosh, I have so many joke names I could use to answer that question. How about Outis? Or Nemo? Perhaps Nopony?”
“Enough!” Chrysalis slithered off of her throne, drawing herself up to her full height as she stood in front of the smaller stallion. “You will answer me, or you will feed my hive. Is that understood?”
“Instructions unclear, but I’ll do my best.” Wits bowed his head for a moment. “Wits End, Equestria’s newest up-and-coming villain. I would say ‘at your service’, but my research says that villains in this world don’t really do ‘serving’. Can I ask something now?”
“No. What are you doing in this place?”
“Trying to ask a couple questions. Apparently that’s harder than I was expecting.”
Chrysalis glared at him. “Did Sparkle send you here?”
“What, Twilight?” Wits brushed a mote of dust from his foreleg. “We’re not really on speaking terms right now, ya’know?” He held up his hoof before the Changeling queen could speak. “Look, I clearly got in here on my own without any of your drones or whatever knowing, and I can get back out the same way. If you want me to stick around and keep answering your questions, you’re gonna have to answer some of mine. Otherwise, I might just go let a couple of Princesses know where to point the bug spray.”
The queen hissed, but did not move. “Fine,” she growled. “One last question then. For now.”
Wits rolled his eyes. “Knock yourself out.”
“What did Sparkle do to you?”
“Nothing. I’ve always been this handsome.”
“To turn you against her, fool.”
“Oh.” The stallion thought for a moment. It’s not like Twilight would ever believe anything Chrysalis says, let alone believe her. “She trusted me. And then she stopped trusting me.”
“So you seek revenge?”
“Why does everyone go straight to revenge? On the contrary, I’m trying to get that trust back.”
Chrysalis scoffed. “By destroying everything she knows and loves?”
“Wow, projection much? No, by being a pain in her flank and then letting her beat me. Awesome Reformations Done Quick, right here.”
    “Hmm. Seems like a waste of effort to me.”
“Only if you think winning means victory.” Wits shook his head, leaning one hoof against the iron cage. “I’d like to ask my questions now.”
Chrysalis growled. “Fine. Go on.”
“Thank you. So, what motivates you?”
“Revenge.”
“Gosh, what a surprise. Revenge against who?”
“Sparkle. Cadenza. Armor.” Chrysalis spat each name as if it left a foul taste in her maw. “The rest of the Elements. And their friends. The two Sisters. Equestria as a whole, but the Crystal Empire in particular.”
Wits End whistled. “You must get up very early in the morning.”
“You asked.”
“Fair enough. So what’s your plan?”
Chrysalis chuckled. “Do you really think I would tell you that? You’re planning on running back to Sparkle with your tail between your legs.”
“I mean… I guess that’s a good point. Okay, broad strokes then.”
The queen pondered his question for a moment. “Get rid of Sparkle and her friends first,” she said slowly. “Then Cadenza and Armor, and take over the Empire. From there, the Sisters and the rest of Equestria.”
“And then?”
Chrysalis grinned with a mouth full of needle-like teeth. “Then I rule my hive, and the rest of the world trembles. Is that enough of a plan for you?”
“Yeah, yep, that’ll do it.” Wits nodded approvingly. “Good first steps, nice follow-through, and a proper conclusion that leaves it open for a phase two. I like it.” Thin silvery wisps of magic wrapped their way up Chrysalis’ leg, sinking into her thorax and abdomen. “So, how’s this little guy in the cage fit in with that plan?”
Chrysalis stumbled and shook her head. “I…” After a moment, she regained her composure, smirking down at Wits as she circled him and the cage. “Ah, the Misplacer Beast? A most dangerous creature when properly motivated, to be sure. It hunts by slipping in and out of our world, and preys on that which ponies have lost. With the right… training,” her hoof landed on the cage with a rattle, “they can be turned into expert hunters of, say, Elements of Harmony.”
Wits glanced down into the cage. “What, so you’re gonna turn this sweet li’l boy into a hunter of ponies?”
“That is the idea, yes.”
“No offense, ‘cause that is a pretty good plan, but…”
Chrysalis snarled. “But what?”
“But, I mean, you’re a Changeling, right? Why not just sneak up behind them one by one and…” Wits mimed wrapping a length of wire around either forehoof, followed by drawing the imaginary wire around something just below head height and pulling back hard.
Chrysalis blinked. “Well... first of all, that’s horrifying.”
“Oh come on! You’re a villain!”
“With. Standards. I would take no pleasure in… that. I want to see the hope drain from their eyes, not the life. Their love would feed my hive for decades.”
“In which time they could take you down a hundred times, at least.” Wits rolled his eyes. “You’ve got the plan, but the chutzpah just ain’t there. Overly complicated plans have always been foiled by the right person in the wrong place.” 
Chrysalis turned away from Wits with a growl. “And of the two of us, only one has done anything worthy of the title ‘villain’. I’m finished answering your questions.”
“I was just thinking the same thing.” A magical hand formed in the air next to him and snapped its fingers. In an instant, Chrysalis sunk to the floor, motes of pale white magic dissipating from her. A moment later, and a faint snore emanated from the queen of the Changelings.
With a chuckle, Wits summoned a few extra hands to lift her back onto her throne. “Sleep well, and dream of tall, holey princes.” He turned back to the cage, poking a hoof through the bars to stroke a line of barbs along a tentacle. “Now, how about you and me get out of this place? You ever had a burger, big guy?”