//------------------------------// // Chapter 13, Live by the Shiv // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// There was another old quote from W.C. Fields that my grandfather told me once. It went ‘if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.’ Truly it was an inspirational quote. One could live their entire life utilizing sage wisdom such as this. It was also the basis for my entire plan to get Charlatan out of jail. The prep work for my plan was now complete. It was time to act. I put the fedora onto my pony’s head and trotted up to the guard standing outside the jail house. The guard was a pegasus wearing the tradition gold armor worn by all Canterlot guards. “Greetings, Good Sir! My name is Fast Talker, I’m a reporter with the Canterlot Press! Here’s my press pass!” I babbled, flashing the fake press pass in his face for only a split second before putting it away again. True to my new alias, I was talking very fast and very loudly. The key to a good con was to not give the victim time to think. For giggles, I was also talking in an old timey accent, trying to sound like a news reporter from the 1930s. “I’m here for an interview with your warden concerning allegations of prisoner abuse!” Finished with my introduction, I trotted past the guard, entering the building without giving him a chance to respond. “W-what? Hey, wait!” the stallion shouted, struggling to catch up to me. “I wasn’t told about anything about an interview!” “Don’t worry about it, Good Sir!” I waved a hoof dismissively while still walking deeper into the building. “I’m sure it’s just a miscommunication! Now, where is the warden’s office?” “I suppose it couldn’t hurt to take you to him,” the guard reluctantly said. “Follow me.” Obediently, I followed along behind the guard as he led the way. The building wasn’t that big. It was a good thing that I came up with this plan so quickly. Less than an hour had passed since Charlatan’s arrest. The authorities hadn’t even had a chance to file charges against her yet, let alone transfer her from the local jailhouse to the main prison complex. Soon enough, we arrived outside a door with a plaque on it that conveniently read, Warden’s Office. “Thank you, Good Sir! I can take it from here!” I unhooked two large black bags from the side of my barrel and stuffed them into the guard’s forehooves, “Here, these are for you! They’re bags full of delicious donuts! Take it to the breakroom and share them with all your friends! Make sure you shake the bag roughly before you open it! That way the donuts will… um… taste better!” The guard’s mouth was practically watering as he stared at the bags, “Don’t donuts normally come in boxes?” “Donut Joe’s ran out of boxes, so they gave me bags instead!” I stepped inside the Warden’s office while the guard trotted away with his bags full of assumed pastry goodness. The office was rather spartan. Just a large desk with a pile of paperwork on it. The only other thing of note was a potted plant in the corner. I think it was one of those fake plastic plants. The pony behind the desk was a green unicorn stallion. He looked up from his paperwork when I entered, “Who are you? Can I help you with something?” “Greetings, Good Sir! My name is Fast Talker, I’m a reporter with the Canterlot Press! Here’s my press pass!” I exclaimed, repeating the same spiel in a rapid-fire manner as I again flashed the fake pass too quickly for the pony to examine closely. I pulled out a blank notepad from my saddlebag, “What do you have to say about accusations that you’re denying prisoners the ability to use the bathroom?” “What?” the Warden shouted his mane instantly becoming frazzled as he went on the defensive, “We don’t do that!” Nothing could freak out a public official quite like the possibility of a scandal. Even if it was completely made up. I wrote in the notepad while he talked. I was pretending to take notes, but in reality, I was drawing a stick figure of Mr. Muffins playing with a ball of yarn. It was impressive that the PonyPad’s controller let me do that. “So, you claim, Good Sir! But I have a hot tip that says that you’ve been forcing prisoners to shit in buckets! What do you have to say about that?” The Warden’s eyes dilated down to the size of pinpricks and they became bloodshot as he burst a blood vessel. “These accusations are outrageous! All our cells have fully functioning toilets! Who told you these lies?” “A reporter never reveals their source, Good Sir!” I stated, also because the ‘source’ was my own demented imagination. “If you want to refute these claims, then you’re going to have to show me your cells to disprove them!” “Okay! Okay!” the Warden waived his hooves placatingly. “Follow me, and I’ll show you where the cells are.” The unicorn led me out of his office and into a more secure area of the building. The sterile tile floors and egg-white walls were much blander than the rest of the complex. It was enough to almost make me yawn. We soon arrived in the area with the cells. There were five cells going down the left side of the room. They rooms were lined with brick and faced with traditional iron bars. It reminded me of the one time I got arrested for public intoxication back in college. That charge was total B.S., any of the other drunk guys nearby could have been the one who vomited on that policeman’s shoes. The cells were underutilized. In fact, Charlatan’s cell was the only one with an occupant. Most likely a reflection of how Equestria was supposed to be a utopia. Charlatan’s eyes widened briefly when she saw me. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything or she could have blown my cover. Despite her stint in jail, Charlatan’s appearance still looked immaculate. She projected an aura of being in complete control of the situation. The Warden gestured at the cells, and at the toilets inside of them, “There, you see! They all have working toilets.” I pulled my blackjack out from underneath my fedora and slammed it into the back of his head. The warden groaned when he slumped to the floor. He was down for the count. “What are you doing here?” Charlatan asked now that it was safe to talk. “Busting you out of course,” I answered, swiftly picking the lock on her cell door and opening it. As soon as she was free, I dragged the warden’s unconscious form into the now empty cell, stepped out, and then relocked the door. I didn’t have to worry about him respawning too soon and raising the alarm. I’d noticed in the past that in situations like this, CelestAI wouldn’t respawn an NPC too quickly if she thought that it would ruin my fun. “What about the other guards in the building?” Charlatan enquired, “How are we going to get past them?” “The other guards will soon be distracted for the foreseeable future,” I said before explaining what I did. Happy Days was having a good day. It wasn’t every day that a random reporter gave you sacks filled with donuts. The pegasus entered the breakroom and set the two bags down on the nearest table. “Hey boys,” he called out to his fellow guards in the room, “who wants free donuts?” “Yay! These days are happy days!” His coworker Polished Mace cheered, stomping his forehooves. While the other ponies eagerly formed a line behind him, Happy Days obeyed the odd instructions and shook up the bags. Task complete, he set them back down. It took him a moment to loosen the drawstrings on the first sack. Then he stuck his entire muzzle deep inside the bag. … And pulled out a chocolate glazed donut with rainbow sprinkles on top, clenched tightly in his jaws. Wow, shaking a donut before you eat it really does improve the taste! The market had already sold out of bags filled with snakes. Who could have anticipated that they were such a high demand item? I’d been forced to improvise with bags filled with actual donuts instead. Inspired by a multitude of comedy movies, I then laced them all with extremely powerful laxatives. The box they came in advertised them as Extra Minotaur Strength tablets. Baffle them with bullshit indeed. Charlatan laughed hysterically, “You’re a total lunatic!” “I try my best,” I conceded with a smirk. “We need to wait a few more minutes before we can leave. The laxatives need more time to kick in.” Charlatan nodded before her expression turned pensive, “Why are you freeing me from jail? After everything that I did to you, why are you helping me now?” “Because playing against you was fun,” I admitted. “It would have been difficult to keep competing against my friend if you went to prison.” “Friend?” “Yeah,” I said, before deciding to take a risk. “Why don’t we start over? You know me as Dark Mask, but my actual pony name is Sneaky Shadow.” I extended a hoof towards her. She hesitated for a moment before shaking my hoof with her own, “My name is Red Hoofed.” Red… Hoofed? As in, caught red handed? Heh, these pony puns never get old. A second after shaking her hoof, I was given a new achievement. Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x1) Unlocked By: The title says everything. Took you long enough. I was beginning to think that you were a lost cause. This achievement can be earned a limitless number of times. Reward: 1,000 bits Why was this achievement worth so much more than the others? That didn’t seem fair. Did Celestia want me to make friends instead of stealing things? Too bad for her that I had no intention of stopping. A few minutes passed in awkward silence before Red spoke up again, “Are you from the Human Realm? You seem like too much of a weirdo to be a normal pony.” “Yes, I’ve been playing for about two weeks now.” I nodded, ignoring the weirdo comment, “This is quite the fun world you got here. There are so many shiny things in it, just waiting to be stolen.” “I like Equestria for the same reason.” Red raised the corner of her lips in a smile. I decided to make an offer, “Do you want to team up and take this shard for everything that it’s worth?” “I think I’d like that. Are you thinking… organized crime?” “Maybe, haven’t made up my mind yet. Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with organized crime. According to Terry Pratchett, there is always going to be crime in the world, so it may as well be organized,” I quoted, rambling a little before changing the subject. “I think that enough time has passed for the laxatives to kick in. It should be safe for us to leave now.” While walking out of the building, I could hear pained groans coming from all the bathrooms we went past. Just wait until they discover that none of the toilets would flush. I’d bribed a plumber into shutting off the building’s water supply. Soon, the guard ponies would be the ones who were shitting into buckets. Was it an unnecessary step for my plan to succeed? Yes, but the humor factor made it worth it. When we stepped out of the front doors of the jailhouse, Red asked me a question, “Can I borrow your blackjack really fast?” “Sure,” I replied, not seeing any problem with this as I hoofed it to her. I immediately regretted my decision. Red swung my club around and clocked me in the side of my head. As my screen went black, she said, “I’m just paying you back for the stunt you pulled with that mousetrap. We’ll hang out sometime soon, my new friend.” Badge Unlocked: Die by the Shiv Unlocked By: You broke another pony out of jail. How’s that for gratitude? Reward: 100 bits Back to the normal number of bits for the reward, I see. Another day, another respawn outside Canterlot Hospital.