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// (25) Drive 
// Story: Coming Out Of My Cage 
// by Boopy Doopy 
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Katrina waited patiently for her friend for a few hours in the library before Twilight returned. The second she did, she wordlessly directed her to follow her back to Earth and into her room to read what was sent to her. Twilight silently read the message, frowning sadly as she did before giving a look to Katrina.
“Do you know what this means?” she asked quietly. Katrina nodded, and she continued, “What are you gonna do?”
She sighed and closed her eyes, using a hand to move her hair out of her face. She was going to be confident. She could do this.
“I’m going to stay here and transition,” she said. There was no fear, no nervousness, nothing but seriousness painted on her face. “I just made an appointment to talk about it with my doctor next week, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
“I see,” Twilight nodded. “Well, you know I have to tell you that if you’d like to move to Equestria permanently, you can. It’s an offer that still exists for you, given the agreement for the use of your home. I was actually just speaking to Princess Celestia about it a minute ago.”
“I understand, but I want to be myself,” she told her. “Who I am can only exist on this side, even as hard as it’s gonna be. I just want to be able to wake up in my bed one day and have this nightmare end…” She shivered and choked back tears at that, taking a moment to try and collect herself. “I can’t be a pony. I can’t have a tail I always step on and be clumsy and only ever look like the pony version of what I should be. I don’t want to roleplay as me. I just want to be me.” She paused for a moment before whispering, “I just want to wake up.”
Twilight wordlessly moved in to wrap her arms around her, letting Katrina put her head on her shoulder and cry into her neck. She remained silent, having nothing good to say to help, only rubbing her back slowly and softly.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish,” she said tearfully. “I know anyone else in the whole world would gladly accept moving to Equestria in return for having the dysphoria end, but I- I just want to have that over here, too. I can’t be a pony.” 
“You’re not selfish for wanting to be happy,” Twilight told her softly. “You’re normal. It’s okay to turn the offer down, even if I can’t understand why.”
“I know this is what I want, but I need someone to tell me that I’m not doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to do this and have the dysphoria come back anyway. I need to know that this will fix me. I’d rather be a clumsy pony who doesn’t want to be a pony than a male.”
“You know that’s not a guarantee I can make to you, Katrina,” Twilight said, finally letting go. “I can only say that you have to do what you think is best, even if whatever that is isn’t what I would do. You know yourself better than anyone else. Only you can say what you should be doing.”
“What if I’m wrong though? I know it’s silly to start asking questions like that, but what if I’m just completely off base and starting hormone replacement therapy doesn’t make the dysphoria go away?”
Twilight looked up in thought before smiling and answering, “You’re right, that is a silly question.” It got Katrina to smile and even laugh a little bit, Twilight giving her another brief hug as she did.
“I know I haven’t known you for very long, but I think you’re a wonderful mare- a wonderful woman. You do what you think is best. I can’t claim to understand it, but I told you before that if your main concern is dysphoria coming back, then I would go ahead. But that’s just me. You do whatever you think is right.”
“I don’t know where all of this came from all at once, but it’s scary. Making a decision like this? It’s unbearable.”
“I can’t imagine anything like it,” Twilight said honestly.
Katrina looked up to the ceiling for a moment before continuing, “It’s also exciting. The fact that I can be myself- myself on this side of the worldgate- just the chance to do that is unbelievable. Even if it’s destined to end in nothing but failure, this moment is amazing. The moment where I can look forward to the future and start to see a road I can travel on. I know I said I’ve known who I was for years, and I have, but… but it feels like right now I’m actually starting to know who I am.”
“I’m so happy for you, Katrina,” Twilight said. “I know you can be who you want to be if you put your mind to it. Although if you do change your mind between now and then, the option is there. Not to mention, this whole thing was to open up Equestria to Earth. I’m almost one hundred percent certain that the opportunity will come again, even if you don’t take it now. We’re talking within the next five years, according to Princess Celestia. Right now it’s just a matter of getting all the legal work together and running a couple more smaller scale tests, smaller than what this was. Honestly, neither of us expected this to go this smoothly. We thought there would be a lot more problems.”
“Well, I definitely, definitely want to come back, first before anyone else, too, but moving here permanently is probably not something I’d ever do. The best I’d probably be able to manage is a long vacation. But I’m gonna hold you to it that you get this all done within five years… somehow.”
“Haha, I’m sure you will Katrina. I’m gonna hold myself to it, too.”
There was a chuckle from Katrina at that, then a small pause before she said, “Thank you so, so much Twilight, for being such a good friend to me. You’ve been a rock I can lean on.” She smiled happily at that as Katrina continued, “I do have to ask you to do something for me before that portal closes forever… err, until you build another one. I know it’s a few months away, but I want to let you know now.”
“Oh?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

	



It was a frigid day in February that Katrina and Twilight were out walking, the old Incubus song Drive playing on her phone as they made their way to the doctor’s office. Katrina’s heart was pounding as they walked, feeling like it was ready to burst. Part of her wanted to turn and run away, back to the safety of being hidden, but she pushed that feeling down. Being hidden meant being wrapped in dysphoria, and she was done doing that.
The two entered and checked in with the receptionist, casually taking their seats as they waited for her appointment. Twilight had a book with her to read while they waited, but Katrina only stared ahead, letting the words of the song give her confidence.
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
She knew all about that. She could feel it right now. The uncertainty of being who she wanted to be, it was unbearable, and almost made her shake right now. She could say there was almost nothing like it, except for the dysphoria.
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I’ll let fear take the wheel and steer.
She knew exactly how much she let the fear take the wheel in her life. Twenty-seven years, three months, and eleven days if she counted from the day she was born. It was a tad over twenty-seven years too long, and she was absolutely sick of it.
It’s driven me before and it seems to have a vague haunting mass appeal
She knew that well. The fear was powerful. It stopped her from doing anything and crippled her for much longer than it should have. It forced her to live in a prison each and every day because she was too afraid to do something. 
But lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.
She didn’t know what took her so long to realize it, but she needed to be the one behind the wheel. Had she been ten years ago, she was certain she’d be in a different place by now. That was her mistake. She shouldn’t have let the fear take hold for so long, but there was nothing she could do to change the past. She could only move forward now and hope she would never let the fear steer her again. Whatever tomorrow brought, she would be there, with open arms and open eyes.
“Miss Wiley?” someone called, Katrina smiling at the feminine referral to her as she got up. Twilight was right behind her as she went to the back, getting her height and weight measured and her blood pressure and heart rate checked before the doctor asked what she was in for.
“I’m here to get the results of my blood tests and pick up a prescription slip, please,” she told her, exuding confidence.
“Oh yeah, I remember, hormone replacement therapy,” the doctor said, quickly filling out her prescription pad. “Everything looked good from what I saw. Baseline testosterone was on the lower end, but that’s what we’re planning to have happen, so that’s not an issue. Everything else looked perfect, and we already discussed the side effects of hormone replacement therapy, so unless you have any concerns or questions, we can get you right on your way.”
“Will this make the dysphoria go away forever?” she thought to herself, wanting to ask it aloud. Twilight looked at her carefully and Katrina shook her head, giving the doctor a confident smile. “If I have any questions, I’ll let you know.”
“Okay, Ma- oh, I’m sorry, Katrina- I’m going to write you a script for two milligrams of estradiol and fifty milligrams of spironolactone to start off. We’ll have you take that for a month and then bring you back in for more blood tests. If we determine that everything’s progressing as it should be, we’ll see about bringing it up to four or six milligrams and one or two hundred for the spiro.”
“That sounds great!” she said happily as she took the slip. “I’ll see you next month then!”
“You have an excellent day, ma’am,” the doctor told her kindly. “I’ll see you soon.”
Katrina gave a happy wave as she left the office, surprised by the quickness of the appointment and filled with euphoria that the doctor was kind to her and saw her as she was.
“Oh, that was amazing!” she practically yelled as she and Twilight went down the elevator and stepped back into the cold, holding the slip up happily. “This is so unbelievable! I can’t believe this is happening.”
Twilight giggled at that as they walked. “You’re holding that up like it’s worth a hundred bits,” she said.
“It’s a winning lottery ticket to me. I’m so, so excited, I think I’m going to faint.”
“I’m very happy for you, Katrina,” Twilight smiled. “I do have to go back to Equestria now.”
“What? Already?” she asked, tilting her head. “But it’s only one o’clock and-”
“I know,” Twilight interrupted, “but I have to go to a meeting with Princess Celestia, not to mention disassemble that worldgate. Just those two things are going to take up the next several hours. I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” she responded quietly, dropping her hands back to her sides. “Okay. Well, I want a hug before you go, and a promise that if you- when you build another portal, you come to my house and tell me very first, before anyone else. You told me five years, and I’m holding you to that. I want to be completely unrecognizable by the time you see me.”
“You have my word on that, Katrina,” Twilight responded kindly. “I promise. And I’m sure you will be.”
“Good.” With that, she wrapped her friend in a tight hug. “I love you so, so much Twilight. Thank you for being such a good friend and always being there for me. Thank you for helping me come out of my cage. It means the world to me.”
“I love you too, Katrina,” Twilight answered back happily. “That’s what friends are for.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, letting go and wiping her eyes before she started to cry. “You’re absolutely amazing. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You give me too much credit,” Twilight said humbly. “Oh! Did you want to come get that money? It’s still sitting at the bank in Ponyville.”
“Nope. If I keep it there, then you’re obligated to build another worldgate sometime later and return it to me, just in case something messes up with that five year plan. That’s what the Royal Authority of Equestria would say, right?”
“Haha, right,” Twilight laughed, giving her a wave. “I’ll see you later, Katrina. Is it okay if I send you messages on that program sometimes?”
“Absolutely! I would be upset if you didn’t. Goodbye, Twilight.” With that, both of them headed their separate ways. She knew her friend knew the way back to her home and that Jase would let her in, and so only watched her for a moment before continuing down the street to the pharmacy, planning to see her one final time that night. It was about ten minutes waiting in line and half an hour waiting for the prescription to be filled before she finally had the bottles in her hands.
There was nothing else to do after that, and she quickly headed home, holding the prescription close to her chest like it was something valuable. And it was. It was the most valuable thing she’d ever possessed in her life.
“So how’d it go?” Jase asked as he watched his sister come in from his spot on the couch. “Did you get the stuff?”
“I like the way you’re calling it stuff as if it’s something illegal,” she responded, making her way to the kitchen to run a glass of water. “And yes, I did. A month’s worth of estradiol and spironolactone is in my diet until I get more blood work done.”
“Oh, hey, Twilight came back home and went to Equestria. She already said goodbye to me, but she wants to tell you one more time before the worldgate is disassembled.”
“I know, Jase. I’ll be there,” she said. “She said she’ll have another one though, in like five years for everyone to use. Actually, she said within five years, so I’m holding her to that.”
“Oh good! Because I absolutely wanna move there the first chance I can. Being a pony is amazing! I promise you, the first chance I get, I’m doing it.”
“I’m sure you will,” Katrina chuckled. “You seemed like you were born to be that.” As she did, she took out the tablet of estradiol. It was cyan colored and small, no, tiny. It was smaller than her fingernail as she inspected. She couldn’t believe that something so small was being prescribed to her for a problem as big as the one she had. To be fair though, she still couldn’t believe that a teleporter existed in her home to bring her to a place called Equestria, a place that had forced her to acknowledge that problem after years of avoiding it.
She held it between her thumb and forefinger nervously, wondering if this would do it. She wanted this to work more than she wanted anything else in her whole life. She wanted this to let her be able to be herself, because even right then, she was afraid that this might be a mistake. That even as good as she felt in Equestria, even as nice as it was to have the weight gone, this wouldn’t help her. She was terrified that the dysphoria would stay even taking the little tablet and that she wouldn’t know what else to do then. She wanted to be able to wake up from the nightmare one day and be herself, and worried that, even now, being closer to that than she ever knew, it wouldn’t happen.
She pushed that fear down though. She didn’t have time to keep being afraid. Whatever tomorrow brought, she would be there.
“Well, here’s to me,” she said as she popped the tablet into her mouth and swallowed.