I slowly rotated the pick around in the window lock. I had climbed up a trellis to the third floor of a townhouse and was now working to gain entry. It was sometime around noon in Canterlot. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. Most ponies were at work or outside, meaning that it was a perfect time for me to commit my first act of B&E.
I was once again playing Equestria Online while in my cubicle at work. Not that anyone cared. Mirroring my behavior, most of my coworkers were also bringing their own PonyPads to work. Earl still insisted that I give him those reports full of random numbers. But other than that, even he was now playing around on his PonyPad during office hours.
The previous hour had been spent searching for the perfect house to rob. Nearly all the buildings in Canterlot looked ornate, so it was difficult to gauge how much wealth could be inside just by judging on appearances. Other than the obvious mansions, but I still wanted to work my way up to those.
I’d finally located the perfect target on the western side of the city. It was a small three-story home. Nothing fancy, but it should serve as an introduction to home invasion. What drew my eye to this particular house was a recessed window on the third floor facing north that was difficult to spot from the street below. Any passing ponies would find it difficult to spot me working on the window.
The final tumbler clicked into place as the locked popped open. The lockpicking minigame was a standard “find the sweet spot” affair that I had seen in other games. Not very imaginative, but it got the job done. I gripped the window and raised it before climbing inside. I held my breath as I waited for any shouts of alarm from the street below. Half a minute ticked by before I relaxed. None of the ponies outside had seen me enter.
Turning my attention to the room I was now in; I surveyed my surroundings. A large king-sized bed dominated the center of the room. The bed was made with cozy looking sheets that gave me the urge to lay down on them. A large oak dresser and vanity were pressed up against one wall of the room. This was most likely the master bedroom.
“W-who the buck are you?” a voice cried out.
It took me an oddly long amount of time to spot the most important detail in the room. There was a unicorn stallion with dark blue fur standing next to the bed. He was staring at me with his mouth flap hanging open.
Oops!
Maybe I should have peeked in the window before climbing inside the room? Too late now.
“Ummm… I’m the window inspector?” I smoothly lied.
Somehow seeing through my clever lie, the stallion recovered from his state of shock and made a run for it. His hooves scrambled across the carpet as he moved. Pulling out my blackjack, I chased after him.
He stopped for a second to open the bedroom door. That delay proved to be his undoing. A quick swing and my small club slammed into the back of his head. He collapsed to the floor in a boneless heap. Some may call what I just did assault, but I prefer to call it mandatory naptime.
Badge Unlocked: Bonk!
Unlocked By: You knocked a pony out cold. Have you ever considered therapy?
Reward: 100 bits
“Night Light, what was that noise?” a mare’s voice called out from somewhere downstairs. “Are you okay?”
Thinking quickly, I yelled out, “Yes, I just stubbed my hoof on something. Don’t worry about it!”
Thankfully, my voice must have been similar enough to that stallion to fool her. “Okay! Lunch will be ready in about thirty minutes.”
I dragged Night Light’s unconscious body back into the bedroom. I closed the door behind me and then dumped him onto the bed. I took a moment to tuck him in with the pink quilted blanket. Daaawww! He looked so peaceful, sleeping there with that rising lump on his noggin.
Now that the stallion was taken care of, I could loot the place of everything of value! Moving slowly, I went from one upstairs room to another in search of shiny things. I had to avoid the downstairs area since I now knew that another pony was down there. But that still left a whole floor for me to search.
Family photographs lined the main hallway. They showed a family of five. Four of the individuals in the pictures were unicorns. A purple filly, a gray mare, a white teenage stallion, and the same dark blue stallion that I had knocked out only minutes earlier. What drew my eye the most was the large purple lizard in some of the photos.
The purple lizard and the purple filly looked familiar. Having finally done my research into the TV show, I was able to recognize them. They looked younger in these family photos, but they were definitely Spike and Twilight Sparkle. I had just broken into their parents’ home and K.O.d their father. Earning the wrath of Princess Celestia’s personal student was probably going to have long term consequences. Not that I cared since this was just a video game.
I really should pay a visit to Ponyville at some point. If I wanted to steal something from each of the main characters then I would have to go there. It would help me to become more infamous. Not to mention that being hunted by the Mane 6 should add another awesome layer of tension to this game. I was giddy with anticipation.
I turned my attention back to looting. There was a small painting in the hallway that I swiped. A side bedroom had a small foldup telescope and some rare looking books. There were also a few random loose bits. I placed all the items into my bag.
Despite those small successes, I felt disappointed with such slim pickings. I returned to the master bedroom. Giving the room a closer look, I spotted a prize that was much more worthy of my time. There was a jewelry box on the vanity!
The box was carved from dark wood with images of swirling flowers etched onto the surfaces. The hinges looked like they were made from brass. I gleefully opened the lip of the box and stared inside. And I was immediately filled with soul crushing disappointment. This must be what it feels like to receive socks for Christmas. I wouldn’t know.
There was nothing in the jewelry box but a small and very familiar looking card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!
An odd noise filled the air. It took a second for me to realize that it was the sound of me grinding my teeth. That mare swiped the best loot before I could! That was impressive considering that I had picked this house almost at random. How did she do that? It was almost as if she had known which house I would pick before I did.
I didn’t have time to worry about that now. What was I going to do about this situation? Another thief had stolen the best goods before I could and left her own calling card. There was really no option left but to leave. I could always find another house to break into.
Wait… her calling card.
A devilish grin spread across my face and then my pony’s face as the camera mimicked my facial expression. With a few button presses, I destroyed Charlatan’s calling card. Like a plagiarizing undergrad (that breaks into houses), I replaced her calling card with my own. If I couldn’t steal the loot, then I could at least steal the glory!
Teehee!
It was time for me to leave. Moving back to the window, I cracked it open. Another button press and I dramatically jumped out. I completely forgot that I was on the third floor... and this game does have fall damage.
Badge Unlocked: The Wet Bandit
Unlocked By: You broke into somepony’s home and stole stuff. Your exfiltration plans could use some work.
Reward: 100 bits
I respawned outside of Canterlot Hospital. Thankfully there were no witnesses to that failure other than the smug achievement system.
The sun had just set over Canterlot. The marketplace was still somewhat busy even if some of the stalls were beginning to close for the day. Ponies walked from shop to shop making last minute purchases before the heading home for the evening. One mare I saw was purchasing carrots and several tomatoes. Making diner plans I assumed.
My plan to find another house to burgle was a bust. Equestria Online had a dynamic day/night cycle. The ponies adhered to it in a believable manner. Meaning that most ponies were returning home for the evening. That made it more difficult to sneak into their homes. I’d already had a close call with that stallion and didn’t want to have another today. Maybe after I purchased a few more skill books and equipment upgrades, I could take the risk. Not that the game penalized you much for failure. But I needed to protect my reputation if I was going to be known as the best thief in Equestria.
I still felt jaded about missing out on that loot. How did Charlatan know that I would pick that house to rob? Was it just a scripted event? Would I have found that note no matter what house I picked? I’d heard rumors online that CelestAI was really good at predicting human behavior. Could this be an example of that?
I needed to make up for lost time. If I wanted to buy more criminal skill books, I would need to save up a lot of bits. I had my eye on that book of advanced pickpocketing techniques.
For now, I had returned to the marketplace in search of more pockets to pick. It was fairly easy to find victims here. For a place that was filled with ponies spending bits, they were very lax about guarding their wallets. Both the customers and the shopkeepers made for very lucrative targets.
After eyeing the flowing crowd, I spotted a good mark. He was a red coated earth pony stallion that was looking at flower arrangements. He probably had a special somepony that he wanted to buy one for. Either that or he just wanted a snack. He made an ideal target because of his proximity to a pool of shadows and the fact that he appeared to not be paying much attention to the world around him.
Moving through the crowd, I approached the stallion. I noticed that his saddlebag looked like it was made from a fancy fabric. I activated the pickpocketing minigame. My pony slowly stuck his hoof into the stallion’s bag. Keeping the icon centered in the minigame, I rooted around in it to obtain the goodies inside. Fifteen seconds later, I withdrew my hoof from the saddlebag as the minigame ended.
I pulled something odd out of the target’s saddlebag. Rather than a hooffull of bits, I was holding a small white card on printed stationary. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!
She did it again!
Huffing in disgust, I destroyed the card and moved on to another target. A crystal pony this time. A quick minigame game and… You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!
Damn it!
Another target. My patience was exhausted by this point. I didn’t bother with the minigame this time. There were no ponies looking in the direction of this next victim. My blackjack collided with the back of his head. I grabbed him as he slumped to the ground and dragged him into the shadows behind an empty stall, his hooves leaving furrows in the dust.
Emptying his bag, I found yet another calling card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! P.S. You’re too slow Dark Mask. I got here first!
That does it, this means war! I will have my revenge upon this mare! She hasn’t seen the last of Dark Mask!