//------------------------------// // 6: Becoming Desperate Seems Meaningless // Story: Too Much of a Good Thing // by Jatheus //------------------------------// Pinkie Pie trudged across town, her hooves falling even more slowly than the beats from her trio of metronomes that even still were faithfully clicking away. Her belly growled rather loudly, a reminder that in all of her running around that she had quite forgotten to eat anything since Rarity’s tea party that morning. Food would likely lift her spirits somewhat. “Hey, Pinkie Pie!” a young scratchy voice called out. “What’s with the metronomes?” Scootaloo pulled up alongside the mare on her scooter, lifting her goggles to reveal a puzzled expression. With a sigh, she replied, “I though it would help my timing be right, but it didn’t work.” “Oh... kay...” the younger replied uncertainly. “What are you up to?” Pinkie asked more out of courtesy than interest. “I’m headed to get a hay burger with Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie Pie’s heart began racing. Sure, she’d been having a rough time, but the day wasn’t over, and maybe one of her other friends would have a helpful idea. “Can I come?” “Absolutely!” Scootaloo’s undersized wings buzzed to life while she moved her goggles back into place. As her scooter zipped along, Pinkie Pie was able to bound alongside and keep pace, the pair navigating very light traffic all the way to the restaurant. The unmistakable scent of hot cooking oil filled the air as the two walked inside. Seated at two tables that had been pushed together were all of Pinkie Pie’s closest friends. “Oh, oh, oh! You’re all here together!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Hey, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash greeted her nonchalantly. “Gosh, we thought you were busy or we would have invited you,” Fluttershy apologized. The new arrival was most excited to see the Princess of Friendship. “Twilight! I thought you were out of town on a mysterious map mission!” “We just got back. What is that clicking noise? Are those metronomes?” Pinkie Pie switched off the devices, “Yeah, I needed them for a song, but it didn’t help.” Applejack smirked but said nothing. A waitress arrived just then to take their food orders. Pinkie Pie ordered a jumbo hay burger with extra large hay fries and a chocolate shake. “Tell me, Pinkie Pie, how have your day’s exploits gone?” Rarity asked when the waitress departed. The new arrivals seated themselves with the group. “Honestly, I’m really confused by Cheese Sandwich today. He has agreed with me that we are trying to have foals, and we absolutely did our part for the last few days.” Scootaloo giggled at this, and Rainbow Dash mussed the young filly’s mane. “But now he’s doing chores and won’t stop for anything. I dunno, he just seems disinterested all of the sudden. I already tried being fancy and a show stopping musical number, but nothing.” “Pinkie Pie, I’m not sure why you don’t come to me first,” Rainbow Dash began. “Here we go,” Applejack rolled her eyes. Rarity smiled thinly and dripped with elegant sarcasm, “Yes, Rainbow Dash, I’m sure that your vast experiences in amour make up for your... sorry, what’s a nice way to say, brutish ways? I’d expect stallions see you more as one of the guys than an alluring object of affection.” “As if!” Rainbow Dash boasted, “If I was trying to, I could have foals in ten seconds flat.” “Biologically speaking, that simply doesn’t make sense,” Twilight Sparkle interjected. “I just mean that I could get knocked up that fast if I wanted to.” “First of all, a mare’s oviduct typically holds viable sperm for two to three days.” Rarity was aghast, “If you please!” Scootaloo seemed fascinated, and Fluttershy simply nodded knowingly as Twilight continued. “But the egg is only viable for six hours at the most.” “What’s your point?” “My point is that ten seconds flat is just not feasible, when the reproductive system is literally geared to process things for a few days so everything can line up for your best chance of healthy offspring.” Though an athlete and not studious, even Rainbow Dash could see the infallible logic with which she’d just been assaulted. She fell back on tried and true tactics. “Twilight... You are such an egghead. Anyway... Stallions like to think they know what they want. They like to think they’re calling the shots, but they really want us to come at them, aggressively.” “Oh my!” Fluttershy moved to cover Scootaloo’s ears, but the filly wriggled free. Pinkie Pie considered the suggestion, “That doesn’t really sound like Cheese.” “Listen, no pony is better at picking up signals than you, but you can’t pick up that he wants something that he doesn’t even know he wants.” “Huh, that actually makes sense.” “Of course it does!” Rainbow Dash triumphantly slammed a hoof on the table. “So, don’t ask him what he wants; definitely don’t be whatever sophisticated ninny that Rarity told you. And, a musical number? Seriously?” Rarity and Applejack glared at the insulting pegasus. She continued unabated. “You saw how well that went. You go and take him on your terms.” “Yeah! But wait... what if he doesn’t like it?” “Don’t back down. You make him like it!” Pinkie Pie’s brain kicked into high gear, considering the best ways to accomplish this new approach. Twilight Sparkle spoke up, “Rainbow Dash, I’m not sure that’s ever appropriate. No means no, otherwise you completely destroy trust and respect.” “Obviously! I just meant that-“ “I’m on it!” Pinkie Pie declared boisterously as she bolted to gather supplies. The others watched her go with a mix of emotions. Twilight Sparkle managed to utter the majority sentiment. “Oh dear...” The waitress returned just then with the ordered provender. Scootaloo leapt up and ran to the door, shouting after Pinkie Pie, “You forgot your food!” The retreating pink form didn’t so much as acknowledge whether she’d heard. Scootaloo shrugged and made her way back to the table. Rainbow Dash shook her head as the filly returned, “Pinkie Pie didn’t really want a hay burger.” “She didn’t?” “No. What she really wants is a Cheese Sandwich.” ... Cheese Sandwich was certain he’d heard the front door open and close. It had a distinctive squeak that he intentionally didn’t oil, which both he and Pinkie Pie found amusing. He knew she was on the lower level, as she had not triggered the piano notes that play as one climbs the stairs. Sneaking out of the house seemed the best option. If he took the firefighter’s pole down to the rumpus room, he could make for the back door, which had a much quieter squeak. With a bit of luck, he could make it to the store before she noticed that he was gone. The stallion crept to the pole and wrapped his legs around it, sliding slowly, quietly down to the lower level. As it happened, the sight that his eyes beheld as he reached the bottom was somehow even more unexpected than all of the other shenanigans from a day so filled with odd surprises. There Pinkie Pie stood, clad in form fitting shiny black vinyl. It looked so tight that she must have been sewn into it. Her legs were covered in black fishnet stockings, and atop her head sat a small black kepis. Her neck was circled with a black choker with silvery spikes pointing out in all directions. Most shocking of all, she held a riding crop. So surprised was Cheese Sandwich at her appearance, that he found no words with which to greet her. It was not the sort of thing that he had expected or found alluring. Rather than looking like somepony who was actually into such sadistic and masochistic predilections in a normal and healthy way, she came across instead like an attempt at an edgy character from a poorly written smutty fan fiction that totally misunderstood the concept. “You are mine to toy with!” she stepped forward. “Take me now and like it!” He backed away, sputtering, “um, erm, hum...” “I didn’t give you permission to speak!” She swung the riding crop, swatting the retreating stallion across a shoulder. “Great galloping gum drops!” he shrieked in pain. Pinkie Pie hesitated, clearly not having intended to hit him so hard. Her brow furrowed, hardening her resolve. “You’ve been a bad boy, and it’s time to pay the piper!” “Absolutely not!” Cheese Sandwich finally found his words. He ducked as she flinched in surprise, and then he bolted, dodging around her. He made for the back door, not stopping or turning to see her reaction. Sweet refreshing sunlight greeted him as he made his escape. He ran down the block and around the corner before slowing his pace. “What in sweet frosted filling just happened?” he voiced his confusion into the air.