//------------------------------// // Chapter 8, Room and Board // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// Having put my groceries away and gotten something to eat, I spent a few minutes playing with Mr. Muffins. My cat was in a friendly mood. He scratched me a couple dozen times to show how much he loves me. Once I finished bandaging up the injuries to my forearms, I set my PonyPad back up on my coffee table and reentered the world of Equestria Online. Sneaky Shadow was still hiding beneath the staircase right where I left him. I couldn’t hear any more screaming outside so the guards must have managed to calm down the panic-stricken crowd. I exited out of the building using the same rear door that I had entered from. Looking out of the alley and into the street, I confirmed that most of the crowd was gone. There were still a few guards around and I made sure to avoid their sight. Everything hadn’t magically gone back to normal, like it would have in other video games. A burned-out crater still marred the center of the street. Guards positioned at each end of the road were forcing approaching wagons to take detours. “And then the strange pony ran out into the street!” A mare gestured wildly with a hoof as she told one of the guards who was writing something down on a notepad. “The next thing I know, there was this huge explosion! That nefarious pony must have caused it!” “I understand. That pony was clearly responsible for the explosion,” the guard said, visibly sweating as he avoided eye contact with the mare. “Did you get a good look at the perpetrator?” The mare’s ears laid down flat, “No, I didn’t. It all happened so fast!” Was she giving a witness statement to the authorities? Did the developers think of everything? I knew that the game world was run by an extremely sophisticated AI. But the regular NPCs clearly possessed their own rudimentary level of artificial intelligence. Also, how dare she blame the explosion on me! That guard caused it when he shot that barrel with his magic! That was his fault, not mine! Pulling my head out of the street, I turned around and trotted off down the opposite end of the alley. The other end of the alley led to another main street, by sticking to the shadows I was able to avoid any more trouble. My pony still looked really frazzled from his proximity to the explosion earlier. He was looking a little worse for wear and there were flies buzzing around his head. Probably the game’s way of telling me that I was beginning to smell bad. I did go dumpster diving and then crawled around in a drainage tunnel. Should I try to find some way of getting my pony cleaned up? But where could I do something like that? It wasn’t like Sneaky had a house that he could go back to or… That’s right, the spiel on the back of the game box said that you could “create a home” or something like that. Canterlot was obviously a city, maybe I could find an apartment to rent? Not only could I use one to get cleaned up, but I could also use it as my secret criminal lair! All the best criminals have a lair! I really wish that this game had some kind of quest log. This new goal would be a great thing to put in one. Maybe I could buy a blank notebook from that marketplace and use it to create my own improvised quest log? Buy a quest log, would be a great task to put into my quest log! These were problems that I could take care of later. First, I had to find an apartment to rent. Pulling my map out of my saddlebag, I tried to find a good place to start my search. It needed to be someplace inconspicuous to avoid drawing attention to my activities, but also centrally located. Preferably, it would be within walking distance of the richer parts of town. For convenient robbery of course. It would also be great if any apartment I found had a secret escape tunnel, but that was probably hoping for too much. Eventually, I decided to pin my hopes on the residential district of the city. Putting my map away, I walked deeper into the city. It took me nearly two hours to make my way across Canterlot. It wasn’t that the city was difficult to navigate or anything like that. I just kept getting distracted by the ponies of the city. Their saddlebags full of bits to be precise. Whenever I saw a fat coin purse, I couldn’t resist the temptation to make its contents my own. As I moved across the city, I pickpocketed every pony that I came across. Well, any pony that had a large saddlebag and was in a location where I thought I could steal their stuff without being seen doing it. I left my criminal calling card in the saddlebag of each pony that I stole from. By the time I reached the residential district, I had swiped nearly two hundred bits. Now that I wasn’t being distracted by my coworkers, the pickpocketing minigame wasn’t very difficult. The buildings in this part of Canterlot were slightly taller than the ones I had seen elsewhere. Other than the royal palace of course. The buildings here had white staccato walls that were lined with neat hedgerows. Many of the upper floors had flowerboxes hanging off the window sills. The place definitely seemed like a residential area. If it wasn’t for the fact that it was still night time in Canterlot, there probably would have been foals playing in the streets here. My eyes quickly fell upon a sign for Happy Views Apartments. That seemed like as good of a place as any to check for an available place for my pony to live. The ground floor lobby was plain in design. There were a few benches with potted plants scattered around the room. There were a small number of ponies hanging around chatting with one another. They were probably some of the tenants, catching up with one another after a long day. My ears quickly took notice of one conversation in particular. “I’m sorry mam, but you’re three weeks late on your rent,” the stallion said to the mare, “I’m going to have to evict you.” “B-but, I lost my job! Please don’t kick me out!” the mare sobbed. I could barely resist the urge to roll my eyes at the cliché taking place in front of me. Really, a mean landlord evicting a crying lady? The mare in question was probably a single mom… who volunteers at a homeless shelter… and has a sick grandmother. What’s next, a bus full of nuns falling off a bridge? Maybe an orphanage catching on fire? Oh wait, Howard said that last one actually happened to him. I guess not all the social interactions in this game could earn a gold star. But I could definitely take advantage of this situation to my benefit. Creeping up behind the landlord as he continued to argue with his tenant, I looked around to make sure the coast was clear. None of the other ponies in the lobby were looking in my direction and the mare he was talking with couldn’t see me with the landlord’s body in the way. I initiated the pickpocketing minigame and quickly swiped all the bits from the landlord’s bag. “Excuse me, Sir?” I interjected myself into the argument. “If she can’t afford her rent this month, I wouldn’t mind paying it.” The two ponies stared at me as if I had just grown a second head. “Really? Why?” the landlord asked. “I just feel like doing a good deed,” I lied. The landlord thought about that statement for a moment before he shrugged, “If you insist. She owes fifty bits in rent.” “Done,” I said, taking the bits out of my inventory and hoofing them over to the stallion. It was fairly cheap considering how much I was making in this game. I was honestly surprised that the mare couldn’t afford that. Must be a scripted event or something. “Try not to be late next month. I doubt that you’ll get lucky like this a second time,” the landlord told the mare as he accepted the bits and stuck them into his saddlebag. He trotted off to talk with one of the other tenants in the lobby. Badge Unlocked: Boss of the Internal Revenue Service Unlocked By: Pay a pony using bits that you stole from the same pony. Reward: 100 bits The snarky achievements were back! I do appreciate a game with a sense of humor. “Thank you!” The mare I just saved from eviction exclaimed as she hugged my avatar. I tensed up. Was my pony about to get suplexed into the floor? Thankfully, she soon released the hug without inflicting any bodily harm. I really needed to learn that trick. “Don’t mention it!” I said to her while patting her on the back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there is something that I need to take care of.” “But can’t I at least offer you some…” Whatever else she was going to say was lost to me as I moved out of earshot. While the landlord was busy talking to the other tenant, I snuck up behind him and opened the minigame again. It was time to get “my” money back. Badge Unlocked: The Economic Cycle Unlocked By: Steal the same object two times from the same pony. Reward: 100 bits After that, I patiently waited until the landlord was finished talking to the other tenant before saying, “Sorry to bother you again, but I am looking for an apartment myself. Do you have any vacant units available?” The stallion nodded, “Yes, I have a vacant flat up on the third floor. It’s a standard two bedrooms, one bathroom style apartment, unfurnished. Price is fifty bits up front and fifty bits per month.” “I’ll take it,” I said, hoofing him the same fifty bits from before. He gave me a skeptical look. “You don’t want to look at the apartment first?” “There’s no need. I’m not picky,” I countered. He shrugged before leaning behind the lobby’s main counter. A moment later he returned and gave me a small brass key, “It’s room 312, top of the staircase and at the end of the hall.” I put the key into my own saddlebag, then waited for the landlord to look away. It was time for a hat trick. I activated the pickpocketing minigame again. In seconds, the bits were back in my possession for a third time. Badge Unlocked: Now You’re Just Being Mean Unlocked By: Steal the same object three times from the same pony. Reward: 100 bits It was tempting to see how high I could take this achievement chain. But in the end, I had to stop because I couldn’t think of anything else that I wanted to buy from the landlord. Walking away, I moved up the staircase. The staircase was floored with white tiles and a railing that was made with dark stained wood. Reaching the third floor, I looked at each door I walked past, searching for my room number. Overall, this apartment building seemed cleaner than my building in the real world. Finding the correct room, I unlocked the door with a quick button press. The main room was covered in a beige carpet with white paint on the walls. True to the landlord’s word, the room had no furniture unless you count the empty refrigerator in the kitchen. I didn’t mind. In fact, it was better this way. I could decorate my criminal hideout to show off my criminal exploits. I hear that display cases full of stolen jewelry have great Feng Shui. But decorating would have to wait for another day. First, I still needed to get my pony cleaned up. It didn’t take me long to locate the bathroom. It had a large walk-in shower that I directed my pony to make use of. Without any soap, all I could do was rinse him off, but by the time he got out of the shower he looked much better. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the time. This seemed like a good place to stop playing for tonight. I needed to get to bed at a decent hour if I wanted to wake up in time for work tomorrow. As the PonyPad shut down, a slow grin spread across my face. Reclining a little against my couch, a sense of satisfaction spread through me. I had done it! I had made off with all those stolen bits that I had swiped from those ponies on the streets. And, even better, I hadn’t suffered a single speck of direct or indirect karmic retribution. It was at that moment that Mr. Muffins leapt on top of my head and stabbed his claws deep into my scalp.