Despite her newfound confidence, Katrina still found herself doing largely what she’d been doing for the next several weeks. She headed into Equestria in the afternoons, now often accompanied by her little brother, and managed her dysphoria on Earth. As they spent time together, she noticed how he took to being a pony much quicker than her, his body moving naturally, like he was born for it. It made her jealous, and only highlighted more of why she couldn’t move to Equestria. Being a pony wasn’t something she was born for, unfortunately enough. It was something he clearly was though, seeing how much he talked about wanting to move there.
A few times though, Twilight came to Earth, and she tried to show her the world she lived in. She felt a small drop in the contrast between how she felt in Equestria and on Earth, and at first thought it meant that her dysphoria was coming back on that side. She nearly had a heart attack at that thought before realizing she was actually feeling a little better on her side. She didn’t know what it was at first, taking a little while to realize that it was Jase’s referral to her as a female. It was something small, basically nothing, but it made a world of difference.
There was one day she decided to try and be brave and wore her dress around the house for a full day. She didn’t go out, she wasn’t that brave yet, but it still felt like a step in the right direction. Not to mention, it made her extremely happy to do, even if only one person was around to see her.
Even if it was only in front of Jase, she felt horribly nervous stepping out of the bathroom that day. She was certain that he would call her on for being a man in a dress, but he did nothing of the sort. In fact, he didn’t pay very much attention to her at all.
“I’ve seen women wear dresses before,” he explained, only glancing at her as she stepped out. “It’s not like it’s the shock of the century. Now if you came out wearing a tuxedo, that would be a bit of a surprise, since girls don’t wear those that often and you don’t seem like the type that would want to.”
It made her blush and cover her face with her hands in embarrassment, but smile behind them anyway. She was a woman, wasn’t she? Just a girl wearing a dress. As simple as a thought it was, it made her unbelievably happy to think.
She found herself waking up one snowy November afternoon to knocking on the door, which surprised her. Hardly anyone ever came over, at least not through the front door, and before she knew it, Jase was letting the person into her home.
“Hey!” he called. “Trent and Dad are here, just so you know.”
That got her eyes open and her brain more awake. “I’ll be right there,” she replied. “I just need to shower and shave and get dressed and stuff. Give me fifteen minutes.”
“Just come on out here, Mark,” her older brother called, sounding annoyed. “Don’t keep us waiting.” She flinched at the name but didn’t do as requested, going through her daily routine before coming out, her family members sitting on the couch, talking amongst themselves.
“Sorry, I’m already very ugly, and I didn’t feel like coming out looking as horrible as possible,” she told them, not really a lie.
“I don’t know why you’re always so concerned about your appearance, son,” her father said. “You look perfectly fine, even if you could stand to put on some muscle and cut that wig of yours off. You look like a fine young man.”
“Thanks, Dad,” she rolled her eyes, doing her best not to get upset by it. “Anyway, what are you guys doing here? You never came over before.”
“Yeah, well, Jase was here so Dad figured that he and I could come and wish you happy birthday.” Trent said it with the same serious, flat tone he always had, and it almost made Katrina roll her eyes.
“Okay, I know Sam’s in Georgia, but why isn’t Mom here, too? We could’ve made it a whole thing with everyone in one place for the first time in, what? Ten years?”
“When Trent told me he was coming, I asked Mom to come, too, but she said she has to work today,” Jase explained.
“Ah. Well… welcome to my humble abode,” Katrina declared, taking a place on the couch with the other three of them. “I didn’t expect you guys to be here, so I didn’t really have anything planned for today, so… do you guys have any ideas?”
“We don’t have to do anything, son,” her father told her. “What’s wrong with just staying here and having a conversation? I mean, you just drove right off when you and him came to pick up his stuff.”
“You didn’t say anything, so I didn’t know you wanted to talk. And I just said we don’t have to do anything and that I didn’t have anything planned. I only wanted to know if anyone had any ideas. We can eat at a restaurant and have a conversation, if everyone wants to, or just stay here. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“You know, that’s the problem with your generation,” her father continued. “You all wanna go out and do big things instead of just spending time at home with family. Whatever happened to just watching television and having a nice dinner?”
“Can we not get into this?” she asked, the frustration starting to enter her voice. “I just said I don’t care what we do. I really don’t want to get into this right now.”
“You’re the one making it a big fricken deal with all that backtalk you always give me. I can never just tell you something without having to hear that mouth of yours run.”
“I literally just said three times that I- nevermind. I don’t care. I’m not getting into this on my birthday.”
She couldn’t help but constantly push back against him. The two’s relationship had been on the rocks for as long as she could remember. It wasn’t any one thing, but a bunch of little things that had snowballed into what it was now. She still loved him, that much was certain, although she couldn’t say she particularly liked him.
Katrina watched her father roll his eyes as the group now sat in silence for a minute. The awkwardness was building and might have continued on for much longer had Trent not broke it.
“How have you been Mark?” he asked flatly. “Are you still that loner loser you were when we lived together?” He said it seriously like he did everything, not sounding like he was joking or teasing. “When are you gonna cut your hair? It’s almost longer than mom’s at this point.”
“Probably never,” Katrina answered. “It’s gonna go all the way down to my butt, and no one's gonna stop me from having it that long.” As she said it, she moved her head to flick her hair out of her face.
“Well, enjoy it while it lasts,” her father said, “because sooner or later, it’s gonna start to go. Male pattern baldness is a big thing in our family.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Trent agreed. “Mine’s already started to go. I noticed it after I turned twenty seven.” Neither of them had to tell her. She could already see her father’s head, and maybe a bit of Trent’s if she looked carefully. It was a sight that frightened her to look at, that she knew.
“I will take whatever is necessary for me to keep my hair and use every product out there. I don’t care. I’m not giving it up.”
“I don’t see why you’re so concerned about it, Mark,” her dad said. “It happens to everyone. You won’t be able to keep it forever.”
“Well, I’ll do my best to keep it for as long as possible,” Katrina said with finality, hiding her anxiousness about the subject. “Anyway, other than that, yeah. I am still a loner loser. All I do is work all day and talk online and watch sports and nothing else. You can ask Jase.”
“It’s true, he really doesn’t. It’s unbearable.”
“And what have you been doing Trent?” Katrina asked. “Are you still engaged with whoever it is? Jessie?”
“I am indeed, but I don’t know if that’s going to last. I told her I don’t want more than one kid with her because you know I already have two with my ex, but she said she wants more than that. She’s hung up on it.”
“Women are like that,” their father commented. “How do you think I ended up with four of you? It certainly wasn’t me.”
“I wish I could have kids,” Katrina said, only half paying attention to what she was saying.
“Well, if you get a girlfriend, and I mean actually try instead of those half hearted attempts I remember you doing when we lived together, you can have as many kids as you want.” Katrina sighed and rolled her eyes at that, shaking her head a bit.
“It’s the truth,” her brother continued. “Do you think I’m lying to you?”
“It’s not as simple as all that for me,” she said.
“And why would that be?” Trent asked, an almost bored looking expression on his face. Even her father was watching now.
She closed her eyes and took a breath before answering. She might have felt like her heart was going to explode, but she was going to be confident. She didn’t have time in her life to keep being a coward. She was twenty-seven years old today, and she was going to start being confident.
“Well, the first problem is that I’m trans, so…”
Katrina looked at her feet for a second before looking back up at her family, two of which were still watching her, Jase silently looking at his phone, making a face that said he didn’t want to enter the conversation. She looked between them, the silence they gave off making her heart beat faster. She thought they would immediately say something, but instead they stared back, waiting for an explanation.
“Um, I- I also wouldn’t even know how to get a girlfriend if I weren’t, seeing as I stay inside all day,” she quickly added, looking back at her feet again.
“So wait,” Trent started, his voice still just as flat and serious as always. “Do you think you’re a girl or something?” The way he said it, the way he and her father were staring at her, it made her grimace. She wished he said it in a joking manner like Jase might have. Instead, he was completely serious, staring dead at her with an almost slight scowl as he asked.
“I- I mean,” she stuttered, suddenly feeling defensive, “I- I just wanna… I don’t want to keep- I just want to be myself.”
“And you think that yourself is supposed to be a girl?” he pressed, almost accusatory. Her father was scowling now, too, making it obvious what his feelings about her were.
“God, what was I thinking?” she asked herself. “This was such a bad idea. What the heck have I done?”
“Of course you’re trying to be one of those transgenders,” her father started angrily. “I fucking knew it. Why can’t your generation just be happy with who you are? You’re already a fine enough young man, son.”
“I- I’m not- I’m not trying to be anything,” she said. “I just- I- I don’t want to hate myself! I just feel like-”
“Do you think pretending to be a girl will make you stop hating yourself?” Trent interrupted emotionlessly, practically staring right through her. It was painful to hear the word ‘pretending’ coming from him. It effectively told her what she already expected to hear from them and what they thought of her. She didn’t know why, but she thought they’d react better.
“I- I don’t- it’s like, I hate who I am! I’m completely repulsed by it, by everything about me! My body hair and wide shoulders and narrow hips and the sound of my own voice- I hate having to live with myself like this!”
“And you think being a girl will fix all of that?”
“Oh my god, this is ridiculous. What in the world is wrong with you, Mark?” their father asked. “That’s not who you are! Just fucking buck up and tough it out! Be a man!”
“I can’t tough it out!” Katrina finally yelled. “I’ve tried for fifteen years to tough it out, and where has it gotten me? Nowhere!”
The room was silent at that, and Katrina closed her eyes, speaking more quietly now. “For the last fifteen years, I’ve tried to live with myself, and as much as I want to, I just can’t do it. I know it makes no sense and I know this isn’t something I should want, but I can’t help it. If I could not be like this, I wouldn’t be, but it just hurts too bad to live like this. I hate this feeling with my whole being.”
“This is ridiculous,” her father said as he rolled his eyes. “You’re out of your fucking mind, you know that? I can’t listen to this shit.” With that, he stood and stomped his way out the door, slamming it shut behind him.
“Wow, happy birthday to me,” Katrina said grumpily, flicking her hair out of her face. “I should’ve known better than to say anything.”
“It’s okay,” Jase said, finally looking up from his phone and smiling awkwardly now that their father was gone. “You’re still my favorite sister, Katrina.”
“Katrina?” Trent asked. “Is that supposed to be your name now? Do you really think pretending to be a female is going to make you happy?” No malice or disbelief was in his voice. There was nothing except for a plain seriousness at the question. It made her flinch when she heard it.
“Well, she wouldn’t be pretending…” Jase said, only looking up for one more moment before going back down to his phone.
“I’ve gotten a lot more confident in myself over the last several months,” she replied, mustering up a little more confidence. “And it’s not like this is out of the blue for me. I didn’t just come to this conclusion yesterday. I’ve known for years, except I chose to do nothing about it. But now I’m fed up with doing nothing.”
“And you’re sure you’ll feel better doing this?” he asked once again. “If you feel as bad about yourself as you say you do, a therapist or psychologist would be my recommendation on the next step for you to take, and then they would be able to direct you out from there. Saying that you’re a female now wouldn’t make any mental problems that you might have go away.”
“I don’t hate myself, I hate my body. It’s this body that makes me feel absolutely terrible every single day. Do you not remember me declining just about every single invitation to go out with friends? Me staying trapped in my room unless it was absolutely necessary to go outside? Obsessing in the mirror and hating pictures and hardly speaking at all when I did have to be in public?”
“Yes, I do remember those things. I always associated them with typical teenage depression. What I’m saying is that you should be seeking professional help rather than rushing to conclusions or starting on solutions that will probably make you feel worse overall. What you’re saying is dysphoria could be something else altogether.”
“I’m not doing anything right now, and I’m not rushing to- actually, I’m not doing this,” she said. “Did you and Dad drive here separately, or did he pick you up?”
“I picked him up and came here,” he answered. “I did notice though that you gave up on responding to my-”
“That’s because I want to show you something,” she interrupted. “I don’t want to spend my birthday debating how I feel. I’d rather just show you once Dad comes back in, if he comes back in. You’re gonna be in for a surprise.”