//------------------------------//
// The Test 
// Story: All Smoke, No Mirrors 
// by Jinzou 
//------------------------------//

"So…" I began. "We got some time to kill. Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

"Well, I'm not particularly interesting." Sunny replied. "I'm just another Kirin."

Great start.

"What's your family like? Where did you come from?" I pressed.

"Smoky is my family." Sunny replied simply. "I come from a little village very far away."

Normally kids don't ever shut up, but it seems I lucked out and got the most asocial kid in the world.

Well, it seems there's some shit going on with Sunny's parents judging by her simple reply and what the social worker said so… I'll come back to that.

"Is your village big? Are you the only Kirin village?" I stubbornly pressed.

Sunny hummed quietly. "I think we're the only Kirin village, but I'm not sure. And we're a lot smaller than this place. This city is huge."

I chortled. "This isn't a city. This is a decent sized town, sure, but I wouldn't call it big."

Finally Sunny showed some emotion with another tone of curiosity. "This isn't big? Then my village must be very small. It takes less than seven minutes to walk from one side to the other."

"That does sound small. I don't suppose your village has an inn or church or some big landmark, does it?"

Sunny was quiet for a moment. "I don't know what those words mean. The only big buildings we have are the herbalist's, the shaman's, and the school."

"Huh." I replied. "That sounds more of a Hamlet than a villa-, wait. You don't even have a hospital? Even a doctor's office?"

"Uh… no? Why would Mr. Doctor even have a place in my village? I thought he lived in this town."

I couldn't figure out how the hell to respond to that.

"Mr. Doctor?" I parroted.

"Yeah, Mr. Doctor Horse. That one pony we saw earlier."

Oh. Oh.

"Doctor is his job, not his name." I clarified. "He- wait, you've never seen a doctor before? A pediatrician? A dentist?! What happens if you get sick?"

"Um, I don't know what all those words mean either, but if I got sick we'd go see the herbalist Ms. Blaze. She's a really nice cow. She has really pretty red hair, and always makes a bowl of chips of tree sap for calves to suck on after she helps us. She disappeared for two cycles after the stream of silence thing, though."

Well there was a lot of information there to unpack.

"The closest thing to a doctor for you is a cow and not a Kirin?" I asked stupidly, my brain pulling a hard blank.

Sunny was quiet for a second.

"A cow is a Kirin. It's like how Miss Golden is a pony mare, Mr. Script is a pony stallion, and Noi is a pony foal. If they were Kirin they'd be a cow, a bull, and a calf."

So despite looking more like ponies, they use the same terms as cows? That makes no sense.

"Yeah, we use the same terms as giraffes instead of ponies. I remember I learned why in school once but I don't remember."

The more I talked to this kid, the more my head hurt.

"What about you? What were you like before you were my newest imaginary friend?" 

I opened my mouth to explain how traditionally a separate identity wasn't an imaginary friend, but a completely different individual caused by the fragmentation of the psyche, but… fuck it. Nah, I was Sunny's imaginary friend. This was easier and more acceptable than the idea of a separate identity via fractured psyche, or god forbid, her "new sister".

But shit, how do I even start describing my life to a little kid? Especially one in a land like Equestria?

“Well…” I began. “I’m what’s called an officer in a defense force we call the “Army”.”

“Ooh! Defense force? Do you fight aliens from outer space and stuff?” Sunny asked excitedly.

“No, no aliens. I don’t really fight anything. I basically have a normal administrative job and sometimes arrange training. I don’t really do anything cool.”

“Admini- what?”

“Paperwork and boring meetings.”

"Aw, that's not very cool." Sunny pouted. "Is the training cool?"

"Absolutely not." I answered with a shake of my head, picking up the glass of orange juice with both hooves and carefully sipping. "A lot of doing really basic stuff over and over that my soldiers already knew how to do. We're supposed to be 'testing our capabilities'."

"So then what do you defend?"

"Our home and people in case another country attacks, basically. It's a dull job."

"Why would they do that? That's really mean." Sunny responded, alarmed.

"Humans are cruel creatures by nature." I sighed. "Not like ponies here."

Sunny was quiet for a few moments.

"But you still want to go back, don't you?"

"Yeah." I whispered. "This isn't the right place for me. It's too nice for me."

Just then the door creaked open, and Noi's curious face peeked through.

"Hey SunnyJenny, why do you have two names? Is that a kirin thing? Do you all have two names? Mom just said there's two of you, but I can't see another one. Are you invisible?"

Ah, the one child that I wasn't lucky enough to have to be quiet.

Doing my best to suppress an eye roll, I spoke. "Two minds in the same body. One name each. Think of a ghost possessing a body, but it can't escape."

I could practically hear the gears grinding in Noi's head, her expression blank.

"Are you a para- paris- uh… parasprite?"

I opened my mouth to respond, but was caught off by Noi as she spoke again, pushing her way into the room and standing right in front of me, cocking her head to the side and studying me as if I were some new species of bug.

"No, that's not right." Noi concluded. "Parasite. Not parasprite. I meant parasite."

I felt the fur on the back of my neck bristle. 

"You think I'm a parasite?" I couldn't help but drip a little venom in my words.

"Yeah! We learned about them in school last year!" Noi exclaimed, straightening her head and shifting to have a lower gravity, looking like a dog inviting somebody to play. "Like a tapeworm! Or a pinworm!"

Jesus Christ this kid was gonna wear on me quickly.

"No. I am not a tapeworm, or any sort of parasite at all. I don't have a physical presence."

I took a moment to close my eyes, sigh, and rub my muzzle.

She's just a little kid. You know she isn't trying to offend, just to understand.

"Don't worry!" Noi stood tall, pointing at herself proudly. "You're my favorite tapeworm! I'll tell all the doctors not to deworm you! And if they do, I'll kick their butts!"

"My hero." I retorted sarcastically. Okay, maybe the kid was a little cute.

"Mom says after Miss Cheerilee gives you a test you might join me in school! Wouldn't that be cool? I can introduce you to all my friends! There's Piña, she's great at impressions. And Dinky, she's really good with magic for her age! She can almost levitate her entire pencil bag! And then there's-"

Ugh. I had just finished my Bachelors not too long ago and now I had to go back to school. Even worse, I knew nothing about ponies, so I was probably gonna be placed in a grade lower than Noi's, who was clearly a couple years younger than Sunny. If they stick me in second grade or something, I'm going full Nirik and burning the school down. Ain't no way I'm doing ten more years of school. 

"-And he's a really good flier! His brother is even a Wonderbolt! That's all of them, though. I'm sure they'll all love you!"

"I'm sure we'll all be fast friends." I yawned pointedly. "But as your mother may have told you, I'm sick and need to rest. Sleep this hangover off."

"Oh." Noi responded slowly, her enthusiasm lost. "Okay. Good night! I'll come get you when Miss Cheerilee gets here!"

"Will that really help with this headache and stuff?" Sunny inquired.

"Yeah." I responded to both Noi and Sunny. I pushed myself to my hooves, took a last drink of juice, and climbed into bed.





I forced my eyes open. My head was pounding and my stomach was sending the constant message of "be ready to throw up at any point".

I rolled to my left side and blearily started at my nightstand. Luckily, drunk me wasn't completely irresponsible, and left the pain pills out, right next to half a beer.

Reaching out with my right hand, I grabbed the pill bottle, popped it open, and chased four tablets with another swig of the beer. Then, it was on to more important things.

I rolled over again to find myself face to face with a gorgeous woman. Her shoulder-length fiery red hair spilled all over the pillow and her face, and her smooth, tan skin, framed by her perfect face was only marred by the fact that she was drooling all over her pillow. 

I stretched out my neck and gently bit the tip of her nose, pulling back and side to side gently. She responded with a grunt, and I pulled again.

"What do you want, you ass?" She grunted, finally opening those emerald green eyes I could spend a year staring into.

"Happy 29th, weirdo." I grinned.

"Oh." She smiled back, seductively putting her arms behind my neck and drawing me in close so we were nose-to-nose. "I'm ready for my twenty nine birthday spankings, Jen."

"Eugh." I turned around, grabbed the beer bottle, and turned back. "Since we don't have any paper bags to cover that ugly mug, Maria, I'm gonna have to settle for beer goggles." I put the beer down in front of my eyes and squinted through it. "There, much prettier."

"Pretty sure it doesn’t work that way." Maria chuckled, grabbing the bottle and putting it on her own nightstand.

"Well, I'm agreeing with twenty nine…" I inched further toward my girlfriend, feeling my way down her back and giving her ass a light slap. "But I was thinking something a little more than spankings."

Maria covered her mouth and threw her eyebrows up in mock surprise. "Pre-marital fun? Oh, whatever will I say in confession?"

I softly bit her lower lip and drew her into a kiss. My tongue battled hers for dominance. I lost. I always lost in battles of dominance. Sometimes even not on purpose.

"Just tell them I'm a ten year old boy." I teased. "They're down with that sort of sick shit."

"Ugh, you're such a damn brat in the mornings." Maria rolled her eyes, but couldn't hide a bit of a smile.

"Ooh, maybe I deserve those spankings instead.~" I cooed.

"Tempting." Maria bit her lower lip on the way that always drove me crazy.





"Sunny. Sunny. Jenny. Sunny. Sunny. Jenny." Every word was punctuated with a poke in the ribcage.

I raised my head blearily and got to work, blinking the sleep out of my eyes. "Maria?"

"Noi." The voice announced. "Miss Cheerilee is here. She's in the kitchen. Hurry up."

I grunted and waved her away. I shoved my face back in the pillow, considering just going back to sleep. But no, I had to convince my family I was an adult. Had to convince them that I could handle a little more leniency than Noi or Sunny. Maybe a little more responsibility.

Ugh.

I forced myself up with a groan of exasperation. I climbed down the ladder. I was doing it faster than the first time, and noticed it was easier walking around as a quadruped. So, hooray for that I guess. The hangover wasn't much better, but there was some improvement.

"You up, Sunny?" I called out.

"Against my will." Sunny replied in a low tone.

"Yeah, same kiddo. Let's ace this stupid test and go back to bed."

Sunny merely replied with a grunt.

I padded my way into the kitchen, rubbing at my eyes and trying to wake my mind up faster. Sitting there, plain as day, was Cheerilee, chatting away with Golden. She looked the same as I remembered.

"Well hello there, Sunny!" Cheerilee greeted me in her usual cheery tone. "Or is it Jenny? Mrs. Harvest here was just telling me about your situation."

Just that sentence filled me with dread. I dunno why Cheerilee knowing would be a bad thing, but I didn't like the idea of that sort of thing being discussed behind my back.

"Jenny." I replied listlessly. I noticed a couple papers and a pencil on the island in front of one of the chairs. That was a problem. I didn't know how to write with my mouth and didn't think that grip would be able to write effectively. I gulped.

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you, Jenny!" Cheerilee chirped. "My name is Miss Cheerilee and I'm just here to see your brilliance for myself."

"Pleasure is all mine." I replied dryly. "And uh… I was hoping the test could be verbal? Not written?"

The smile disappeared from Cheerilee's face as she arched an eyebrow. "Well I certainly could accommodate. Do Kirin not write Ponish?"

Their language is called Ponish? That's dumb.

"No. We don't."

"Oh!" The smile reappeared. "I'd love to get a sample of your own writing, then! Not too many unique scripts I've been able to see."

"Sunny?" I called out loud.

"I'm okay with that." Sunny responded as Cheerilee arched an eyebrow again.

"Yeah, we can do that." I said.

"Wonderful! Shall we begin, or do you need some time to get ready?"

"Nah, let's get it over with." I yawned. "How's this split up?"

"Well," Cheerilee began. "We'll start off with math. Then usually comes the reading and writing comprehension check. We'll see what we can work out for that. Finally, history."

"Sounds good!" A little pep made its way into my voice. Time to blow the pants off this test. Math was always my best topic in school.

"Before we begin, do you know about multiplication and division?" Cheerilee asked.

"I'm very familiar." I responded quickly, doing a little internal fist pump. Seemed Equestria has the same math rules.

"Very well. Let's begin very simply." Cheerilee smiled and nodded. "One plus one."

"Two."

"One plus two?"

"Three."

"Two plus two?"

"Four."

So far so good. Easy shit.

"Three plus three?"

"Six."

I could see Cheerilee's muzzle twitch slightly downward at that, as if holding back a frown.

"Four plus four."

"Eight." I responded a little less surely.

"Four minus two?" 

"Two."

At that, Cheerilee's face relaxed a bit. A small smile returned to her face.

"Three times two."

"Six." I responded monotonously.

The smile disappeared.

"Could you please count to ten for me?" Cheerilee asked, all the joy sapped out of her voice.

This was weird, why was she acting like this?

"One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten." I listed off.

"Interesting…" Cheerilee rubbed her chin. "Let's put a pin in the math section and move onto history, shall we?"

The hair on my withers stood straight up. That test was way too easy and she was reacting strangely. Did I do something wrong?

"Approximately when did Gusty the Great defeat Tirek?"

Shit.

"Sunny, what do you think?" I asked out loud.

"I have no idea who those are." Sunny replied.

"No idea." I told Cheeriee. She responded with a frown.

"How long was Nightmare banished for and when?"

"A thousand years, and I don't know."

Cheerilee paused for a few moments, staring at me. 

"When was the first Kirin tribe discovered?"

"Two cycles ago!" Sunny piped up instantly.

"Cycle?" I responded. 

"Yeah!" Came her enthusiastic remark.

Fuck it, I'll ask her later.

"Two cycles ago." I answered Cheerilee.

Cheerilee arched an eyebrow. "Cycle is a rather archaic term. We say 'year' here. We no longer measure from winter to winter. But ah… very well. Please let me and Miss Harvest calculate your scores and see… how you'll approach schooling from now on. Why don't you go see if you can find Noi or Mister Script?"

I had a horrible feeling in my chest as I walked back towards the room I shared with Noi. That was far too short. God, were they gonna put me in some Special Ed program? Or send me to first grade? It's not my fault that Sunny didn't grow up around ponies!

"Hey!" Noi chirped as she saw me enter the room. She started bouncing on her bed.  "How did you do? Did you ace it?"

I sighed. "Pretty sure I bombed it."

Noi froze in midair and landed back on the bed on her haunches. She cocked her head to the side. "Bombed?"

I rubbed the side of my muzzle. "Failed."

"Oh." Noi's ears drooped and her gaze fell to the floor. "So you won't go to school with me?"

"I have no idea, kid." I responded, unable to keep the disappointment out of my voice as well. For a few moments we sat in silence, before there was a swift knock on the door.

"Come in." Noi called out halfheartedly.

The door swung open and the smiling face of Script popped in.

"Greetings, lawful offspring." Script slid in, sitting next to Noi and smiling at her. He turned to me and nodded. "Foster offspring."

"Greetings, lawful progenitor." Noi giggled.

"Uh..." I hesitated. "Why are you talking like that?"

Noi answered. "Sometimes Dad decides to play a game with us, where he'll do some funky stuff with Ponish, and we have to figure out what the gimmick is."

"Indeed." Script nodded again. "Fitting postface."

Noi rubbed her chin in contemplation. "I'm going with... only two syllable words."

Script let out a quick laugh. "Smart one, you. What about you, Sunny? Want to give it a try?"

I chewed my lip for a moment. "Sure. Hit me. Give me something hard."

Script smirked. 

"And the phoenix, always flitting, she is sitting, still is sitting. On the pallid bust of crown, just above my chamber door. And her eyes have all the seeming of a monster that is dreaming, and the lamp-light o’er her streaming throws her shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall now be lifted, forevermore.” Script recited, stressing almost every other syllable.

I stared at him blankly.

“No idea. Did you just come up with that?” 

Script nodded. “The trick was I spoke it in trochaic meter, and as I dropped the final syllable, the last line is a catalectic line.”

I continued to stare at him blankely.

“You said give you something hard.” Script shrugged.

I turned to face Noi, who was giggling into her hoof.

“This is normal here. Dad is not so good with other ponies, but he’s really good at writing and reading! He’s super smart!” 

Script smiled again, ruffling Noi’s mane. “My dad senses were ringing, I felt the presence of sad fillies. Such things will not be tolerated in my household.”

Alright, this guy wasn’t that bad. A bit weird, but altogether alright.

“But that’s not the only reason I’m here.” Script’s smile dropped and his face became deadly serious. “I ran into Golden and Miss Cheerilee speaking outside, Sunny. Or uh, Jenny? Can’t tell which of you is fronting right now. And, well… how do you feel about homeschooling?"