//------------------------------// // Chapter 6, Crime LLC // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// Finishing up another excel spreadsheet filled with random numbers, I hit the print button. Standing up from my chair to stretch out my back, I took a look around at my coworkers scattered about the cubicle farm. One lady was practicing her painting skills on a canvas she had set up in her cubicle. Three of my coworkers were engaged in a poker tournament, using paperclips instead of chips. Howard was assembling a model train at his desk. It was just another average day of work at Money Maker Co really. I opened up my laptop bag and pulled out my PonyPad and the controller. I knew that I would have plenty of free time and since the device is portable why not make use of it? After setting the PonyPad up on its stand, I grabbed the ethernet cable out of the back of my work computer and plugged it into the PonyPad. Then I took a pair of earbuds and put them into the headphone jack. I hit the power button and waited for the device to boot up. Instead of being presented with the main menu, Princess Celestia’s face appeared on the screen. “Sneaky Shadow? What are doing logging on at this time of day? My research into your background revealed that you’re supposed to be at work right now.” Okaaay, I’ll just ignore the creepy fact that the AI was clearly spying on me. My work hours were not a part of the information that I had provided when I had created my account. It was probably completely harmless. No reasonable person could possibly be alarmed by something like this. Why should I worry if big brother (or in this case big sister AI overlord) was watching me? It’s not like she was planning to use the information to build a psychological profile on me for the express purposes of tricking me. Because that would just be silly. “I am at work,” I said while moving the PonyPad around so she could see my cubicle through the camera. “But it’s no big deal if I play on my PonyPad.” “Are you sure?” Celestia asked, skepticism coloring her voice. “You will most likely get in trouble with your boss.” “Nah! Earl doesn’t care.” I waved a hand dismissively. “Now bring forth the ponies!” “If you insist, but don’t come crying to me if you get fired,” Celestia said. Her horn lit up and a rainbow of colors swirled across the screen, obscuring her from view. When it cleared, Sneaky Shadow was standing in front of the gates of the royal palace right where I’d left him when I logged off last night. The guard outside the gate glared at me. He clearly remembered me. The other ponies on the street continued to go about their business and mostly ignored me. I wasn’t too sure what to do next. Maybe I should go to the city library like Earl suggested yesterday? I opened my inventory with the intention of pulling out my paper map so I could get my bearings. Hello, what is this? There was something new in my saddlebag that hadn’t been there the last time I checked it. It was a small business card. Did one of the guards plant it on me when they kicked me out of the palace? I pulled it out and took a closer look. Crime LLC Got some stolen goods that you need to fence? Need some tools for your next big job? Want to learn how to lie, cheat, and steal? Come visit us at Crime LLC for all your criminal needs! Please destroy this card after memorization. After I read the card several times, a button prompt appeared on the screen. I hit the indicated button and my pony tossed the card into his mouth. He chewed it a few times and then swallowed it down. Well, I had been planning to go to the Canterlot Library to try and find books on pickpocketing, but this looked like a much better alternative. The address on the card led me to an alleyway behind a local eatery called Donut Joe’s. The alley was grimy with cast off pieces of litter and a large dumpster filled with garbage. The alley was lined with brick walls and led straight to a dead end. It reminded me a lot of the alleyways that I see on a daily basis in Los Angeles, but with cobblestones instead of pavement. I didn’t see any sign of this crime company that I was looking for. The entrance must be hidden. They couldn’t exactly hang a sign outside their front door. Searching for clues, I examined the alley in closer detail. I tried poking suspicious looking bricks in the walls to see if doing so would open a secret passageway. When that failed, I looked inside the dumpster for clues. There was nothing inside but a pile of half-eaten donuts. The dumpster full of trash and moldy donuts reminded me of my brother Alfred. He used to work at a donut store while moonlighting as a garbage man on the side. He was also a dumpster diving enthusiast. I was on the verge of giving up when I found what I was looking for. There was a manhole cover behind the dumpster. The cover had the Crime LLC logo stamped into the metal. Using my magnet-like hooves and my earth pony strength, I opened the cover and dropped down into the sewers. What I had first thought was a sewer, turned out to be a storm drainage tunnel. The walls were damp and covered in mold. The stones looked like had been worn smooth by countless years of water based erosion. The tunnel winded through several twists and turns before it led to a reinforced door that had another Crime LLC logo on it. I was presented with a button prompt and a quick press caused my pony to knock on the door. “Enter…” A dark and brooding voice called out from inside. I pulled open the reinforced door and stepped inside. The heavy door slammed closed behind me with a loud metallic thud. The room beyond was dimly lit by candles and mildew stained the walls. There was a large counter in the middle of the room with a wide assortment of merchandise arrayed on top. Lockpicks, crowbars, shivs, cardboard boxes big enough to hide under, and Ponzi Scheme how-to guides lined the shelves. They had everything that a criminal could ever ask for. Behind the counter was an averaged sized pegasus stallion. His coat was a deep green with a cherry red mane and tail. His snout was covered by a black bandanna. I couldn’t tell what his booty mark was, because it was hidden by his cloak. He was stacking boxes on the counter when I entered, but he tensed up a little when he saw me. “Who are you? You’re not one of my usual customers,” he asked darkly. “How did you find out about this place?” I cleared my throat and introduced myself, “I found your business card in my saddlebag. My name is Sne-” “Stop!” The stallion interrupted me with a shout. “No names here. Aliases only. It’s safer that way.” An alias? I could appreciate that. I racked my brain for a moment to come up with one that sounded awesome. It needed to be something that would strike fear into the hearts of the wealthy. Something that would make ponies guard their bits closely whenever they heard the mention of my name. It took me a good 10 seconds to think of a decent name, but I finally settled on one. “Call me…” I paused for dramatic effect before finishing, “Dark Mask.” The pegasus snorted, failing to hold back a laugh. “You’ve read too many comic books. That name makes you sound like a cheesy Noir villain.” How rude! I put ten whole seconds worth of effort into that name! “I guess it doesn’t matter. If you want to sound like a giant douche, it’s none of my business,” he said with a shrug of his wings. “My alias is Cut Purse. Now, you said that you found our business card in your saddlebag?” “Yes, I don’t know for sure how it got there though,” I replied. “That’s fine,” Cut Purse said. “It’s typical for how this company works. One of my associates scouts out promising talent in the criminal trade and then plants one of those cards on them. Just think of it as an invitation. What kind of criminal activity has captured your attention?” “Any kind of theft really,” I said. “I love swiping shiny things. The shinier the better. I only arrived from the Human Realm yesterday, so I’m still learning the ropes. I don’t even know very much about how to steal things.” “A fellow kleptomaniac? I can appreciate the lure of shiny things,” Cut Purse nodded. “In that case, I would recommend purchasing the Baby’s First Theft Starter Kit. It comes with a pack of calling cards, a skill book on basic pickpocketing, a mask to hide your identity, and four padded horseshoes so you can sneak around silently. The whole thing only costs 250 bits. It’s a good deal really. Skill books normally cost a pretty bit.” I balked a little at the price. That was almost all the money that I had earned from those achievements. I didn’t really have any options though. The price tags on the other items on display were way outside of my price range. “What are the calling cards for?” “They’re just something that you can give your victims,” Cut Purse said. “They’re enchanted to show your criminal alias and let them know that they’ve been victimized by you. You don’t have to use them, but it will help you to build a name for yourself so you can become infamous. If that’s what you want.” I can become infamous? Sold! “Okay, I’ll take the starter kit.” I pulled the bits out of my bag and plopped them down on the counter between us. Cut Purse stuffed the bits into his own bag before he pulled a small wooden box out from beneath the counter and slid it over to me. The first thing I pulled out of the kit was the pack of calling cards. There was a small flash of magic and the words ‘You’ve been robbed by Dark Mask!’ appeared on the cards. Sticking them into my saddlebag, I turned my attention to the skill book. A progress bar appeared over my pony’s head when he opened it and flipped through the pages. It took about two minutes for the bar to fill up. When it was completed, a notification appeared. You Learned: Basic Pickpocketing! Stand close to a pony and follow the button prompts to steal bits from their saddlebag. Learn advanced pickpocketing to steal jewelry right off their body! Putting the book away in my saddlebag, I next pulled the four horseshoes out of the kit. Instead of being made of metal like traditional horseshoes, these looked like they were made out of some kind of squishy material. I equipped them with a single button press and watched as my pony slipped them onto his hooves. Then I made him walk back and forth across the stone floor and confirmed that the sounds of his hoofsteps were indeed muffled. But they could still be heard if I galloped. Got to move slowly to be sneaky, basic stealth game mechanic. Finally, I took the mask out of the box. It was one of those ridiculously tiny black masks that go over the bridge of the nose and only cover about an inch of space around the eyes. Gotta love the classics! I put the mask on. “Thanks for the gear!” I told Cut Purse. “Don’t mention it. Look, since you’re new in town, I would also recommend a little dive bar called the False Hope Pub. Ponies in our line of work like to hang out there. It’s a great place to make some contacts in the criminal underworld.” “I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks again for the help.” Departing the store of illicit goods, I climbed back out of the sewer and replaced the manhole cover. I was eager to test out my new pickpocketing skill. All I needed was to find my first victim!