//------------------------------// // Chapter Thirty Two: Four Letters // Story: We don't go to Sub-Level Five // by RadBunny //------------------------------// Sassi couldn’t sleep. The mare tossed and turned, the Thestral having tried everything that usually helped. A run and walk? Herbal tea? Meditation? Nothing. Her mind was foggy, an odd departure from the usual crisp and clear way in which Sassi thought. Things were so confusing now. Confusing. That was a good word and very apt. Anxiety still ate away at her thoughts, yet there wasn’t a reason for it. Without intending to, Astral had cracked a shell Sassi hadn’t wanted anyone underground to see. Thankfully, nobody had until now. Retrieving one of the few items not in the storage crystal, Sassi looked at the pink, fluffy notebook in her hooves. The journal was protected by multiple spells and encryption techniques. The storage location had previously been booby-trapped just in case. But now it would just go in the storage crystal when she was done. She hadn’t written in it for some time. But the past few weeks had certainly been journal-worthy. It was a nice thought, leaving something behind even if things turned bad. Sassi sighed as she saw the newest entries. The containment failures, meeting Astral. The clear confusion on interacting with someone not from below ground? On a mission it was easy. She stayed focused, even above-ground she couldn’t tell anyone essentially anything. But now? Now… That word led to another. Four letters written in her journal before they set off tomorrow. Hope. The journal was put away, that single word floating around Sassi’s head as she tried to get to sleep. Hope wasn’t something she had entertained for a while. Flask’s efforts to have her above-ground missions expanded had abruptly ended. There had been talks about potentially letting her live outside the facility. But she assumed his efforts had failed, the note to her had confirmed that. But now there was a chance and that was only half of the problem. Far less than half, if Sassi was honest with herself. Freshly fallen leaves by a river. That simple description of a smell made Sassi let out a groan into her pillow. Over the past hour, she had quickly figured out why sleep eluded her. The bed just wasn’t as comfy as Astral’s fur, and it certainly didn’t smell like it. The thought made her blush, face reddening even though she was alone. Sassi wasn’t stupid, far from it. She knew she was falling hard and fast for this curious stallion. How much he realized it, Sassi didn’t know. Did she know? There were still walls, barriers preventing Sassi’s emotions from running completely wild. But even those were being tested. Astral had been through a lot, but he brought an innocence into her life that was just so appealing. One of many things, many things. Including how his fur smelled. She really should have expected it. Not having almost any positive physical contact for nearly her entire life took its toll. The mare was smart enough to recognize the negative impacts, yet rather handicapped in her efforts to stop them. To say waking up with her forelimbs wrapped around a stallion had been a shock was an understatement. Yet in that brief moment, before she had fully processed it all, it had just felt so nice. A glimpse into a life that could have been, something she’d never have. No. Eyes welling up with tears that quickly began to trickle down her cheeks, Sassi hugged the pillow tighter. It was one of many unsettling thoughts swirling around in her mind and heart. She wasn’t afraid of the Skitters, the upcoming mission. Escaping the facility just felt like a training exercise. Brutal, familiar, and straightforward. It made sense. The unknowns were expected. There wasn’t much to be afraid of. It was everything after that. For so long there wasn’t a life outside of the Silos. There had once been a hope, one that was crushed repeatedly. It was enough so she didn’t dare give it too much thought outside of private, secret moments in her journal. There was a side of Sassi she had never been able to explore outside of wishful fantasy, books, and movies. She was a mare that was always fighting, never weak, never soft. While that was naturally a part of her, there had always been more. There hadn’t been an atmosphere when that part of her was allowed to grow. Yet the life that ‘could have been’ was no more. Astral’s arrival and her current feelings had changed that mindset to ‘what could be.’ That scared Sassi more than she could comprehend. There was so much Astral didn’t know, but did it matter? The parts of her personality, parts of her silent life that had been locked away abruptly resurfaced with his innocent yet adorable remarks. The times he had seen underneath the mask, the emotional armor Sassi had been forced to craft, all of it had brought nothing but a cheerful smile and acceptance from Astral. No jokes, laughter, or outright dismissal. Just a pleasantly surprised pony with that same, caring smile on his face that reached his green eyes. It was too much. Sassi could feel the thoughts hacking away at her preconceptions, starting to make her understand that maybe, just maybe she was worth something, both as a pony and to someone. Flask had only been able to do so much against that view. Someone outside of her world now was saying the same things Flask had. Two viewpoints, not just one. That started the slow, mental cascade that Sassi could feel creeping into every thought and preconception. Maybe everything had been wrong. Was her perception so incredibly skewed? Two ponies indicated that was the case. Maybe Flask had been right. Maybe the world down here was sick, all the words and actions had really been the opposite of normal. She knew that was the case logically, to an extent. But internalizing it was an entirely different matter that a few weeks couldn’t cover. It hurt to think. She had to compartmentalize everything. First escape, then figure out how to live. How to live. A simple thought that previously had only included her. Yet now, she wanted someone else in that life. It was such a new feeling. Wanting someone, and being wanted were two unknowns Sassi had wanted for so long to explore. Such thoughts and hopes were previously only found in her journal, in dreams. So much that was unsaid, buried underneath pain and fear. Everypony thought she was so confident, so sure of herself. That was true when it came to combat. But what about everything else? What about who I am? Is that all I’m good for? Sassi hugged the pillow a bit tighter, the weighted blanket wrapped around the Thestral an acceptable substitute for a hug. Over the years, she had slowly begun to realize how much the Company had stolen from her. Of no fault of her own, Sassi had been helpless as key parts of her life were either ripped away or never allowed to blossom. I don’t know what it’s like to be close to someone. Even if it’s as a friend, as the beginnings of something more. Is this what a normal friendship looks like? A somewhat normal relationship? Things I want so much, but I have no idea how to even act. Somehow, I haven’t messed it up yet. All I’ve been is me. That made Sassi’s breathing slow, drowsiness coming with a warmth that reminded her of Astral’s hug. Is that enough for somepony? For everyone? It’s been enough for Astral. Maybe it’s enough to be…me. That thought was one of the scariest but most exhilarating she had thought of in a long, long time. Astral yawned, meandering to make a breakfast out of preserved…well, whatever they had left. Fruits, pastries, things he could scrounge up. He had gotten some sleep, but the nerves had kept the stallion up for a bit. The knowledge of how evil the company was still churned in the stallion’s mind. Yes, he didn’t know, but it still dug at him. The self-loathing had quickly transformed into a burning ember of determined anger. In this case, he could make sure this Company never recovered. He had used that energy to further cement the looks of the six Company owners and their names. He still wasn’t sure what would be done if he met one of them. The initial, gut-reactions made his stomach turn for how easy it was to imagine- Shaking his head, Astral banished his thoughts. At least the memorization had settled Astral’s mind, at least until the other nerves decided to rear their ugly head. They were leaving today, and that was unsettling, to say the least. The packs were stuffed full, armor cleaned and guns reloaded. Yesterday, the nerves had utterly fled when Sassi had laid out her armory to get them equipped the previous day. The stallion had started to drool at that. He didn’t think Sassi was the type of mare to giggle, yet that sound had been beautiful. It was odd seeing how such emotional spikes clearly annoyed the mare, yet all Astral could do was take it in stride. He couldn’t imagine how odd this must be, nor the challenges she must be dealing with. Experimented on as a filly. That alone had left physical scars, and Astral assumed a heaping ton of emotional and mental ones too. Compound that over a decade or two? Almost three? It was amazing Sassi was as together as she was. He couldn’t hold any of her oddities against her, not that Astral would ever think to. And to think a mare like her is interested in me. That was the crux of it. Where Sassi saw herself as troubled (true as that may be) Astral simply couldn’t help but see an incredible Thestral far stronger than himself. If he could help her come to terms with it all and start on a life where she could be happy…he could only promise to try. Knowing there was a genuinely sensitive mare buried underneath the pain she had gone through; that only made Astral more curious. Hearing a mumble, Astral trotted over to the hall, not able to resist a grin at seeing an adorably disheveled Sassi grumbling as she made her way towards the kitchen, clearly still drowsy. “I thought you were a morning pony?” he asked teasingly, the mare’s shoulders slumping. “Sassi?” “Usually I am, Astral,” she said tiredly. Ears now flat against her skull, Sassi glanced his way. In a tone that he had only heard when she had asked for his hoof, Sassi shook her head. “Can I…hug?” He blinked, head tilting in confusion. “Huh? Of course.” In a smooth motion, Sassi took a few steps forward and wrapped up Astral into a tight hug, the Thestral’s ears perking up in worry as he returned the gesture. “Whoa, what’s wrong?” he asked, the mare shaking her head and hugging him close for a time. Astral’s concern levels were certainly rising, but she seemed to be a bit more at ease. “Nothing serious. It’s just too much to think about,” she finally whispered, “I can’t think straight. I’ve never had this before. Usually, it’s easy to separate things. Missions, co-workers, casual friends, the future. Now…” Astral was starting to get used to this, in an odd way. Perhaps not so much ‘used to’ as ‘expect.’ These vulnerable, shy moments from Sassi seemed to be increasing, obviously to her discomfort. It was a bit endearing but certainly outweighed by seeing the Thestral frustrated. “Well, if a hug helps, I’m not complaining,” he chuckled, “pretty sure we’re both starved on the ‘daily hugs’ department.” The fact that Sassi was relaxing in his embrace was a clue enough for that. “I don’t get this close to creatures,” she said softly, “it’s confusing, even a hug. All I know is that it helps.” “Confusing that you want to? Or that I most definitely return those feelings? Or is it that I’m not trying anything scummy?” “All.” “…Ah.” He was stumped in a sense. “Well,” Astral said slowly, “I admit I’m a bit cautious, because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and there’s obviously some stuff I can’t help with. I guess I don’t know how to help.” She laughed at that, a tired but cheerful sound. “You are helping, Astral,” Sassi said softly. “You’re not ridiculing me or thinking I’m weird when dealing with all of this. And you’re not being pushy in any way. That means a lot more than I think you know.” “I guess?” he offered, finding himself surprisingly disappointed when Sassi let him go, taking a step back. Evidently, she wasn’t the only one heavily starved for positive physical contact. “It’s a different kind of help than I’m used to.” “That’s fair enough. I appreciate it nonetheless,” she said, the Thestral yawning and tossing her head. “Well, a nice way to wake up at least.” “If you want to make morning hugs a thing, I’m not going to complain. Would be a rather nice way to start a crazy day. I think you’re discovering my huggy side,” Astral admitted. A very soft, high-pitched squeak caught his attention, the stallion failing to fully muffle his laugh at seeing Sassi staring at him again. “I take it that’s a yes?” “To say the least,” Sassi managed to say, a frustrating grumble leaving her mouth. “I just…I can’t think about everything. So many contradicting things. I can’t keep it all straight.” What could Astral say other than offering a sympathetic nod? “Sorry, Astral. This has to come off as really weird and confusing,” she admitted, the two walking to the kitchen to down the last semi-fresh foods available. “I mean, yeah, in a way?” he said, brow furrowed in thought. “But considering our circumstances and what I do know about you, it makes total sense. So, not too weird. But it is confusing.” “Well, I promise to try and clear some of that up,” the mare replied, “but we probably shouldn’t delay here.” Nodding in agreement, Astral downed the simple but filling breakfast of dried fruits. Sassi took a few minutes to scan every inch of the apartment again, the mare already having triple-checked it the night before. “Got everything?” She nodded, tapping her saddlebags with a hoof. “Yep. All in the storage crystal. Time to suit up and head out of here.” “Just like that?” he asked, walking over to where his armor had been pre-positioned the day before and beginning to buckle it on.” “Just like that. The longer I think about it the more bleh I feel.” “Well, off we go then. All the guns are loaded, so we should just go. Sounds too easy,” he muttered. “Oh, it sounds easy. But either way it’ll be fun,” Sassi replied cheerfully. “Well, I think it’ll be fun. Ish.” “I think we have different definitions of fun, Sassi.”