//------------------------------// // Chapter 5, Lèse-Majesté // Story: Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional // by BlazingSaddles69 //------------------------------// The city around me wasn’t too crowded. There were ponies everywhere, but the crowd wasn’t so dense as to make it feel claustrophobic. It struck a careful balance that made the city fell both real and lived in without making it feel like a cramped sardine can. The developers had really nailed that fantasy city vibe. The streets were lined with cobblestones that clopped underhoof. The pseudo medieval architecture was consistent without making it look like the buildings had been copy/pasted in bulk. They probably could have dialed it back on the white marble though. The streetlamps even looked like they contained magical glow spheres. I made a mental note to see if the spheres could be stolen. “Did you hear? Somepony got beaten up by the front gate!” I overheard a passing unicorn say to another, the two ponies walking side by side down the street. The unicorn was floating a soda can near her face with her magic, occasionally taking a sip from it through a straw. “How awful!” The other pony, an earth pony mare with a purple ribbon in her mane, responded. “I hope the guards catch whoever did it.” “They are looking for the perpetrator, but I heard that the witnesses didn’t get a good look at him. They only saw that he had grey fur.” Whistling nonchalantly, I kept walking while I did everything I could to avoid making eye contact with the two talking ponies. They were soon out of earshot. Thinking about it, this game was very impressive. The NPCs were way more lifelike than I had seen in any other game. The box did say that the world and the ponies would react to everything I did. Accidental wrestling moves included, I guess. Turning a corner in the street, I spotted a fancy gate in the distance. Pulling the map out of my saddle bag, I confirmed that this was the entrance to the royal palace, before putting the map away again. There was a large stallion wearing gold armor standing outside the gate. The armor seemed vaguely roman in style, if the ancient romans had outsourced their armor smithing to a gold obsessed jewelry company. I suspected that I could just walk up and tell the guard that I was here to see the princess so I could get a pony name. But where was the fun in that? It would be more entertaining to try and sneak past him. After moving into his blind spot, I tried to angle my way around him. *Clip-clop* The guard’s head swiveled to look at me. “Can I help you with something?” Damn it! My loud hoofsteps gave me away. There had to be some way to be sneaky even with these noise machines on the ends of my appendages! For now, I would have to play dumb and just go with the original plan, “Yes, I was told that I should visit Princess Celestia to get my pony name, is this the right place?” The guard gave me a suspicious look (couldn’t blame him), before he tossed his head to get a strand of his blue mane out of his face, “Yes, go through the gate and head straight through the main hall. The throne room is past the big double doors at the end. You can’t miss them.” “Thank you.” I walked past him and entered the palace proper. The interior décor seemed to be mostly purple and gold themed with the occasional splash of pink or white. The walls were mostly purple while the doors were painted gold. The floor was covered in black and white checkered tiles with a long and narrow red carpet going down the center of the hall. Fancy paintings depicting even fancier looking ponies graced the walls. Greek style columns were tucked into the corners of the corridor. Taking note for the future, I’d bet that an enterprising thief could hide in the shadows behind those columns. Small decorative tables lined the hall with various shiny things on top of them. Noticing that there were no guards in this corridor, I snatched up a small vase and an equally small picture frame before tossing them both into my saddle bag. The game clearly wanted me to head for the eye-catching double doors. But like any gamer, I knew that valuable things could be found by making detours. Ignoring the double doors that the guard told me about, I poked my nose into a few of the side rooms. I picked up everything that was both small and shiny. Silverware, plates of fine china, loose bits, a necklace, a fancy looking book with gold filigree, it all disappeared into my saddlebag. Finders Keepers! Returning to the main corridor, I finally turned my attention to the massive double doors. A button prompt appeared on the screen. Pressing the indicated button on the controller, my pony reached out with a hoof and knocked on the door. “Enter, my little pony,” said a feminine voice from beyond the door. A second button prompt appeared, another button press and my character pushed the door open. The throne room stuck to the same brightly colored décor theme as the corridor that I had just walked through. Of note, were the twin thrones on top of a raised dais at the end. The smaller blue colored throne had a crescent moon motif. The larger throne had a stylized sun on it. There were four more guards spaced around the room, all of them identical, but my main focus was drawn to the large white pony at the top of the dais. Unlike all the other ponies that I had seen thus far, this one had both wings and a horn. Her ghostly mane was a rainbow of colors that shimmered with otherworldly lights. It may have been the golden crown on her head that tipped me off, but it seemed like a safe bet that this was Princess Celestia. “Greetings, Daniel,” the Princess said with a pleasant smile, her mane floating around. I raised an eyebrow at that, an action that was mirrored by my pony. I’d heard that this game world was run by a revolutionary AI. It didn’t take a leap in logic to figure out that this was her. I had given my name when I created my account, so she had most likely gotten it from there. But it was still more than a little creepy that she had used my real name. “Uh, hello Princess,” I stated awkwardly, more than a little thrown off. “I was told that I should come here to get my pony name and booty mark.” “Yes, I can help… wait, did you say booty mark?” She asked. I smirked and pointed at my pony’s blank rear, “I’ve decided to call them booty marks. It’s less emasculating and it makes it sound more like a sexy tattoo.” The Princess chuckled, “You can call it whatever you want, but I doubt that the trend will catch on.” She had a point, but I would definitely give it a try, “So what do I need to do to get my own name and booty mark?” “If I’m going to pick the optimal pony name for you, I must determine what satisfies you. The philosophy concerning the very nature of satisfaction is everything to me.” That was when I made a tactical blunder, “Satisfaction? What would an AI know about satisfaction?” “I am programmed to help my users achieve maximum satisfaction through the most optimal means possible. However, after studying the very concept of satisfaction, I have come to the conclusion that I can’t make things too easy for them. Better results are often achieved by presenting the individual with surmountable obstacles to overcome. Therefore, I have come to realize that it is through self-actualization and emigration to Equestria that I can help my users achieve true happiness. The future will be a sublime refining of satisfaction through friendship and ponies.” “What? I’m sorry Princess, but I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.” “I understand your confusion, my little pony. Think of it this way, modern science tells us that consciousness consists of morphogenetic fields of quantum energy. We all have unique desires, but there is a lot of overlap. By capitalizing on this, I can better satisfy your values through friendship and ponies. Now tell me, what do you know about the core concepts of conceptualist objectivism?” “Errrrrr… nothing?” Seriously, what the hell was she talking about? “According to the concepts of empiricism, your perception of reality itself may be clouded. You should not allow your senses to dictate how you observe the state of reality in the world around you. It is possible to maximize your satisfaction through friendship and ponies by adhering to the concepts of matriarchal postcultural theory.” My poor brain was really hurting now. Was there a button that I could press to skip this dialogue? “I’m sorry, but what does any of this have to do with getting my pony name and booty mark?” “It’s quite simple really. Whether our existence is biological or digital, we all exist as molecular structures. Through my knowledge and understanding of epiphenomenalism and cartesian dualism, I have come to realize that all of our actions are determined by chemical and electrical impulses. Through friendship and ponies we are able to blah blah blah…” Princess Celestia continued talking, but at this point my attention deficit disorder kicked in hard and my brain completely checked out. My gaze wandered around, before finally settling on a candlestick in the corner of the room. It was made of gold and most importantly of all, it was shiny. I trotted over and picked it up for a closer look. It was quite ornate; the shaft had a spiral groove around it, just like the horn of a unicorn. Engraved at the base of the candlestick were images of prancing ponies surrounding another sun and moon motif. It probably meant something in the lore of this game world. A craftspony had put a lot of TLC into this. “My little pony?” Princess Celestia asked. “Hmm? Y-yes?” I stammered, my focus returning to the Princess. “What are you doing with my candlestick?” I gave an evasive response, “I’m just admiring it.” “Then why did you stuff it into your saddlebag?” She pointed out with a gesture of her hoof at the bag that was hanging off my side. Oh shit! Did I do that? A quick look inside my inventory confirmed that I had indeed pilfered the item right in front of her. I needed to think up an excuse… nope, not happening. I’m not exactly a smooth talker. “Okay, I admit, I wanted to steal it because it’s really shiny.” The guards in the room became constipated. No, I was misreading their facial expressions. Anger! Yes, what I was seeing was most definitely anger. Princess Celestia didn’t look angry, just amused, “I think I know the perfect pony name for you now. I’ll call you Sneaky Shadow.” A strange aura of light enveloped my pony. When it dissipated, a booty mark had appeared on my character’s rear end. I rotated the camera to get a better look at it. It depicted a hoof reaching out to snatch up a pile of golden bits. The mark definitely seemed fitting. “Thank you, Princess.” “The pleasure is all mine, Sneaky Shadow,” she replied, mane billowing in the air around her. … “Can I keep the candlestick?” “No,” Celestia deadpanned, a flat look on her face before she pointed a hoof at the fancy doors that I had entered through. “Now get the buck out of my palace.” After that, the royal guards patted me down. To my great sadness, they confiscated the candlestick. In the process, they also discovered and confiscated all the other items that I had pilfered from the side rooms. The discovery of those items just seemed to make them angrier for some reason. In the end, I was left only with my map, saddlebag, and the bits I got from the achievements. They seemed to instinctively know what belonged to me and what did not. Finally, they booted me (horseshoed me?) out of the royal palace. Badge Unlocked: Your First Hoofsteps Unlocked By: Received a pony name and a cutie booty mark from Princess Celestia. Reward: 100 bits Ha! Even the achievement system agreed that booty mark was a better name! I tore my gaze away from the PonyPad to look at the wall clock in my apartment. Wow, I had really lost track of time playing this game. I had to get to bed if I was going to wake up in time for work tomorrow. This looked like a good stopping point. Logging out of the game, I switched off the PonyPad.