//------------------------------//
// (18) Shattered 
// Story: Coming Out Of My Cage 
// by Boopy Doopy 
//------------------------------//

“Oh, you’re that girl that Mark said left her dress here,” Jase said as Twilight glanced at Katrina for a second, making a face at her, almost glaring. “Honestly, I thought he was lying and secretly bought it for himself,” he joked. “He’s trying to convince the world he isn’t a gay femboy or a trans girl, himself included.”
“I didn’t lie,” Katrina lied, cringing hard and wanting the conversation to end. “What are you doing home so early again? Also, that’s a very rude joke to make in front of people and not a particularly funny one at that.”
“Whatever, Mom,” Jase replied, rolling his eyes but clearly still being flippant. “Anyway, apparently the person who’s supposed to train me isn’t going to be able to until next week, and no one else wanted to because they don’t get paid enough. So basically I sat in the lobby for about five hours until the manager told me to just go home and come back next Monday. He said I’d still get paid for it though, so that’s, like, a fifty dollar check for me next week at least.”
“That sounds very unorganized,” Twilight commented. “I can’t imagine working for a business that doesn’t schedule its employees for the right days, especially its new ones. A business should run like a well oiled machine.”
“Well, he doesn’t have a choice because he has to be employed,” Katrina said. “At least, if he wants to stay here. Anyway, did you want to continue in my bedroom?”
“Wow, okay. I see,” Jase said, pretending to be hurt but smiling anyway. “You don’t want me to meet your girlfriend? I see how it is. You’re clearly embarrassed by me.”
“I said before that she’s not my girlfriend, and I am embarrassed when you say things like that,” she told him, standing up to offer her hand to the Equestrian as she picked up her laptop. “Let's go, Tw- to my room, Katrina,” she stuttered, her heart racing with every word.
“Uh, sure thing, uh, Mark” Twilight said, making another face and not taking the hand that was offered to her. They entered her room a few moments later, Katrina locking the door for privacy before flopping onto the mattress.
“Oh, this is so bad,” she whispered, just loud enough for Twilight to hear, afraid that Jase might be trying to listen. “Why is this happening? I hate this so much.”
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Twilight replied, a slight tone in her voice. “That’s your brother, right? He didn’t seem like somepony- err, someone- who would be upset if you told him that you were transgender. You said before he said he wouldn’t care.”
“I know!” she interrupted loudly, closing her eyes for a second before going back to whispering. “I know he won’t care, but… it’s not something I’m ready to do. Maybe you don’t look at me differently, but I know he will. I can’t- I just… I can’t.”
“Well, I can understand you not wanting to say anything, but I don’t think lying to your brother so blatantly is a very good idea, especially if you have to get other ponies involved in those lies. I know how you’re feeling, but a lie like this makes me uncomfortable to have to go along with.”
“I’m sorry, I know it’s not a good idea, but it’s- it’s just a mess that’s been created because of that portal. I was managing myself decently until then, and now all of this… I hate this so much! I like the nice feeling I have being myself, but I- I don’t- ugh!”
She took a deep breath to calm down, wanting to stay in control of herself. There was a long silence that started to build as she closed her eyes, one that she imagined would stretch on forever, had it not been interrupted.
“Is there any reason why you can’t tell him right now?” Twilight suddenly asked, catching her off guard.
Katrina paused for a moment, surprised at that question, and thought it over. “No, but-”
“I know I’ve only known you for a few months, but I hate seeing you like this,” Twilight told her. “If you’re dead set on not doing anything, then I can understand wanting to keep your feelings a secret. But it doesn’t seem like that’s what you want to do, and it doesn’t make sense to not say anything if you already know he’s not going to care. It’s better than making up lies about it.”
“It’s hard though!” she said, barely able to force herself to use a harsh whisper. “That’s the problem! If Earth were as nice as Equestria, it’d be a lot easier to just say okay and transition! It’s not though! It’s just- it’s hard! I know he won’t care, but still!”
“Do you think waiting is going to make it easier?” her friend asked. “You said it before, you felt like you were just wasting time, so I honestly can’t see why you would put yourself through this when you don’t have to, especially if you’re starting to make up lies about it and including other creatures in them.”
“I know! I know that! I know I shouldn’t be making up lies about you and that I’m just wasting time doing nothing when I should be transitioning, or at least doing something, but- but… god!” Now she did yell, clenching her fists and putting her knuckles against her forehead. “I just can’t do it! I don’t know why I can’t, and I know I should, but I can’t fucking do it!”
“You don’t have to curse at me,” Twilight muttered. “I was just saying my opinion.”
“I know you’re just saying your opinion,” Katrina snapped. “I’m just stressed out and frustrated with being told shit I already fucking know! I don’t need to hear that you’re just saying because I’m not fucking stupid!”
“I’m just trying to help,” Twilight said irritatedly, rolling her eyes. “You don’t have to yell at me.”
There was a long moment of silence while the energy in the room cooled down. Katrina buried her face in her pillow as Twilight sat on the edge of the bed, both of them taking a breath to cool off.
“If you want me to,” Twilight said softly after a long moment, “I can help you. I don’t know how much help I’d be able to offer, but I can try my best. Or you can both go to Equestria and show him who you are on that side if it makes it easier.”
“I- I- I… I don’t want to be pushed,” she told her quietly, having a slightly nervous tone. “I know you’re trying to help, and I know I need it. I need to be pushed for something to happen because I’m never going to do it myself. I don’t want to waste my life hating this body as much as I already have, but I really, really, don’t want to be pushed to come out. I’m sorry. I know I’m just a complete mess.”
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Twilight sighed disappointedly. “It’s just hard to see you hurting and afraid to do something about it. I told you before that I wouldn’t be able to go through what you are.”
“Thank you for talking to me and being my friend,” Katrina told her quickly. “I know I’ve been talking your ear off about this since I’ve met you, but it really means a lot to me. I appreciate it. And I’m sorry for cursing at you and yelling at you.”
“No trouble,” she replied politely. “I didn’t mean to pressure you into something you don’t want to do. Do you have anything to drink?”
“Yeah, I can get you something,” she said, wiping any wetness she might have had out of her eyes.
“Actually, I’m gonna get up to go with you too,” she said. “I left my bag in your living room, and I really want to make notes on that Discord program you were showing me.”
“Um… I know it’s rude to ask, but… can you keep lying for me? Just for a little while? Please?”
“I…” Twilight trailed off with a sigh. “I’d really rather not. I can call you whatever you’d like me to, but having you call me Katrina, that’s not really the same thing. I’d rather not tell a lie like that.”
“Oh, okay. I understand,” she sighed sadly. “I- I won’t do that anymore. I’ll tell him it was a joke or something.” She wondered if there was any way she could spin it to make it seem like a joke and that she wasn’t actually who she was, shaking a little bit at the idea that this might be it.
On that note, the two got up and headed for the kitchen, passing by Jase who was sat down on the couch in the living room, looking at his phone. Even just passing through though, she could feel his eyes on her like before, and caught him staring when the two turned to head back to the bedroom.
She didn’t say anything as her heart pounded, only staring back at him, using her eyes to ask what he wanted to tell her, hoping it wasn’t what she didn’t want to hear.
“Hey, uh…” Jase started, using a hand to rub the back of his head. “This is kind of awkward, but I might- and let me heavily emphasize the word might in this situation- might have heard a tiny, tiny bit of the conversation you were having in your room. Not that I was eavesdropping, I do want to make that clear, but uh...” He trailed off, chuckling nervously as he looked at her for just a second. It was more than enough to tell her what she didn’t want to hear.
“Oh my god,” Katrina’s voice cracked as she closed her eyes and shivered. “I… I’m just gonna go lay down and die now,” she said as she put a hand up to her face and turned away, running back into her room.
Somehow, she didn’t cry even though she wanted to. She did feel a heavy tiredness work over her though, one that made her sigh. She was tired of all that had happened. She was tired of hating herself and hiding that hate, of having to manage dysphoria every single day of her life, of being such a coward. She was such a coward. She could’ve been somewhere else in her life had she not been. 
She was too much of a coward to say how she felt and do something about it, even to herself up until that portal appeared. Whether or not that portal had appeared, this was always going to eventually end up happening. Maybe if she weren’t a coward, she’d have the guts to say it instead of letting people figure it out for themselves, but no. The person she wanted to be was permanently out of reach to her because she couldn’t work up the nerve to do something. She knew that, and she hated that knowing that would change nothing. The knowledge of those things made her tired.
Despite the Equestrian being in her home, somehow she fell asleep, waking up a while later to sun in her face from her window and the sound of voices talking. She sighed loudly and turned towards the door, keeping her eyes closed. She felt terrible, even more so knowing that Jase and Twilight were probably talking about her, but didn’t move to get up. Even if it was hard being alive, even as happy as it made her to be able to be herself, she wanted everything to go back to the way it was before she found that portal.
Eventually, as though knowing she’d awoken, someone walked into her room, stopping right in front of the bed. She didn’t open her eyes though. She didn’t care who it was. She just wanted to go back to sleep and pretend that what had just happened didn’t happen.
“Hey,” Jase started, sounding like he had a smile on his face. “How’s my favorite sibling?”
She didn’t answer, only giving a tiny sniffle in response. She opened her eyes briefly to look up at him and saw that he did indeed have a smile on his face. She let out a breath at that and moved farther back into her bed away from him.
“You know,” he started again after a moment, “the Chiefs are gonna play in a little while. You gonna watch them? I already turned the channel to ESPN. You gonna lay in bed and miss their first game of the season?”
“I don’t care,” she answered in a whisper. “I really don’t. I just want to be left alone.”
She thought he would leave with that statement, but he stayed, staring silently at her for a long moment. She knew he was trying to think of what to say, and she dreaded what it might be.
“I know I asked this before, but I’m gonna ask again anyway,” he finally said. “Are you trans?”
Katrina sighed at his question. “You already know the answer to that,” she replied in a frustrated whisper. “I basically put it on broadcast for the whole world to hear because I’m a complete idiot.”
“So that’s a no then, right?”
She looked up at him and glared, watching him give her a goofy smile. She scowled frustratedly at him before grunting and turning over. “I’m not in the mood for joking. I’m really not.”
“Well, after you said you wanted to lay down and die, that girl you’re with talked to me about you. All I have to say after that conversation is that if you really think I care as much as you think I do, then you’re just as big of an idiot as I thought you were when we lived with Dad.”
“Wow, thanks for the support,” she said sarcastically. She turned back around to see him still smiling, and tried to muster up the strength to return it with one of her own. However, before she knew it, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
“Whoa! Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Jase told her quickly. “I won’t joke about it if you don’t want me to. I’m sorry.”
“I just didn’t want you to know,” she cried, shutting her eyes tightly and shivering as she did. “I wasn’t going to ever tell anyone. God, I’m so fucking stupid!” 
“I’m not sure why you think you shouldn’t tell anyone,” he responded. “I really, truly, utterly do not care, and I’m pretty sure about ninety-five percent of people don’t care either. I honestly can’t see how it would matter at all whether you were trans or not. You already act like a girl and look kind of feminine with how long your hair is. I’m not sure why it really matters.”
“It- it’s easy to say that you don’t know how it matters when it’s not something that impacts you every single second of every single day…” she said as she tried to wipe away her tears. “I hate this body so much.”
“I don’t get that, but you’re right, it doesn’t impact me at all,” he said. “That’s exactly my point. I don’t care.”
She blinked at him at that and he continued, “I don’t care, and if I did and said I hate you for being trans or something, you’d reserve the right to beat me up… err, tell me off and never talk to me again. You shouldn’t care what other people think. If someone doesn’t like you because of how you feel, then you should just cut them out of your life because they clearly have their own problems they need to work on. In fact, if you want me to, I’ll beat up anyone who says they hate you. You show me where they’re at and I’ll do it. I promise… with my words anyway. I’m not gonna physically hit someone though, so don’t go expecting all that, but I’ll tell them off.”
“Wow, I-I guess y-you’ll be my knight in shining armor then, won’t you?” she replied with a cracked voice and a small smile before grimacing. “That sounded so much less revolting in my head than it did out loud.” She didn’t bother wiping the tears off her cheeks as she looked at him.
“Yeah, don’t go looking for all that from me. But you are a trans girl, right?” he asked as he looked down at his sister. “You’re not, like, non-binary or some other weird thing, are you?”
“No, I’m just the base level of weird thing,” she replied. “I haven’t leveled up that far yet.” She paused for a moment before continuing, “Actually, I’m not really ready to joke about it. I can’t do that. But uh… yeah.” She blushed and looked away at that for a second before looking back at her brother. She wanted to portray some semblance of confidence despite her red eyes.
“You know, thinking about it, a lot of things make sense now in hindsight, but I’m gonna assume you don’t want to think about that. Do you want me to call you a girl and stuff? Cause I will if you want me to.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” she said, quietly adding, “but it would be very nice if you did, and would make me smile.”
“Well, I know I don’t have to, but I will if you want me to. Do you have a name you want me to call you?” he asked. “I bet it’s Marlene or Michelle or Mary or something.”
“Be confident,” she told herself as she looked up at him. “Be brave. No more being a coward. I don’t have time to keep being a coward.”
“I- um… it’s Katrina,” she said shyly, wanting to look away but forcing her eyes into his as they widened.
“Wait, that’s your dress?” He couldn’t help but laugh at that, continuing, “I’m sorry, but I think that’s funny. I can’t believe I was right on my first guess! That was a joke! Also, how could you lie to me like this? I’m gonna be heartbroken for the rest of my life now because of you.”
“Oh well, that’s just how it goes,” she replied, her voice cracking as she tried to make a joke. “But… thank you. I- I feel a lot better, even if I really didn’t want this to happen. I… I think I’m feeling more confident somehow.” She felt a little embarrassed as she added, “It feels nice to say it out loud and talk about it.”
“No need to thank me,” he told her. “That’s what your little brother is here for. I’m just that good.” He bent down to wrap an arm around her shoulder as he continued, “You’re my favorite sister, and it’s a good thing you are my sister, because hugging my brother would be a lot more awkward. I have a certain manliness standard to maintain. You wouldn’t understand though, cause you’re a girl.” 
“St-stop it!” she told him, now thoroughly embarrassed, but smiling and laughing as she hid her face with her hands. “You really don’t need to do that!”
“You know what? Fuck Sam. You’re my favorite sister. I’m gonna tell everyone and make sure they all know it.”
“Please don’t tell anyone,” she said seriously, giving him a look to let him know. “I really don’t want other people to know unless I tell them. Please, please do not tell anyone, okay?”
“Well, I think I want to now since I now know that you don’t want me to,” he grinned. “I could use this against you so much.”
“I’m being serious,” she tried to tell him, nervousness creeping into her voice. “I don’t want anyone to know. Please.”
“What are you gonna give me if I don’t?” She clenched her fists at that and opened her mouth to say something, but after a moment, grabbed her pillow and screamed into it. 
“Okay! I’m sorry! I’m not gonna joke about it! I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”
“Please don’t joke about telling someone,” she begged. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack if you do. I’m really putting every single ounce of trust I have in you right now.”
“I will not tell anyone unless you say I can, okay?” he assured her. “But once you allow me, I’m gonna let them know. Sam’s gonna be so jealous that I met her sister before she did. Anyway, I’ll let you be. You can go back to sleep now if you want to.”
“Okay,” she sighed. “Okay. Thank you. It’s- thank you. I feel better, I think, even though I kind of want to have a heart attack right now.”
“I didn’t realize I had the power to kill people with humor. I will try to make sure my jokes do not give you a heart attack in the future.”
“Um, and I actually lied,” she said, getting up as she wiped her eyes. “I actually do want to watch the Chiefs.”
“Wooooow, another lie? How am I ever gonna trust you again after this, Katrina?”