I stared at the Excel spreadsheet on the computer screen in front of me. I had several options concerning what number to put into the final spot. Ten options to be precise, numbered zero through nine. After about four minutes, I finally made up my mind and put the number three into the last cell of the sheet. But after thinking it over, I shook my head, erased the three and changed it to a seven.
Perrrrrfect! The numbers were all balanced and neatly arranged into their proper places.
Straightening my keyboard, I cracked my knuckles and stretched out my back. I felt satisfied with a job well done. With a click of my mouse, I saved the document to my desktop. I grabbed my bottled water off my desk, took a quick sip, then put the cap back on and put the bottle down.
“Daniel, did you get that report ready for me yet?” Earl, my manager, asked as he sidled up to my cubicle. Earl was a big and burly kind of guy that was built like a brick wall. He looked like he wouldn’t be out of place as the mascot for some brand of cleaning supplies.
“Yup! You’re just in time,” I replied as I hit the print button. “I put the finishing touches on it only a second ago.”
The laser printer in my cubicle churned to life. A little on the crusty side, it wasn’t the best machine in the world. Like all office printers it had an almost paranormal tendency to jam at the worst possible time. A little bit of percussive maintenance, and prayers to the dark IT gods, were usually enough to fix it. Thankfully, that proved unnecessary this time and the printer spat out over fifty pages of numbers.
The numbers were completely random. I had been working for Money Maker Co for nearly nine months at this point and I still had no idea what my job was. They kept signing my paycheck though, so I wasn’t going to complain.
I snatched the papers off the top of the printer and handed it to Earl. He pursed his lips for a moment as he stared at the numbers. Finally, he nodded in approval, “Yeah, these numbers check out.”
I had a strong suspicion that Earl didn’t know what our company does either.
There was no way that I was going to rat him out though. He was an easy-going guy and it was a pleasure to work for him. Namely because he let his employees get away with anything. As long as I kept giving him those reports with random numbers in them, he let me do anything.
Earl set the papers aside for the moment and changed the topic, “Hey, have you ever tried playing Equestria Online?”
A small frown crossed my lips, the name sounded a tiny bit familiar but I was having trouble placing it. “Is that the one where you fly around in a spaceship and sometimes get probed by aliens while ten year old kids scream racist things at you?”
“No, that sounds like Eve Online.”
“Then are you talking about the one where you run around in a fantasy world while the developers release an endless string of expansion packs in a downward spiral of ever declining quality?” I took a deep gasp of fresh air to recover before finishing, “Oh, and ten year old kids scream racist things at you.”
“No, that’s World of Warcraft. Look, Equestria Online is the one with the ponies in it… and ten year old foals that scream racist things at you.”
Somethings are universal, no matter what kind of online game you’re playing.
“Ohhhhhh, that online game!” I exclaimed while snapping one of my fingers; my memory jogged.
Equestria Online had come out roughly two years ago. I had skimmed through half of an article about it on the web once. It was made by some game company called Hoof-and-Mouth-Disease Studios. No… that wasn’t the name, it was some strange sounding company name that I could never figure out how to pronounce. The game was making waves for the unbelievably robust AI named CelestAI that ran the entire system. The article also talked about uploading brains or something like that. But I had lost interest in the article at that point and looked at cat memes instead.
“Isn’t that game for little kids?” Skepticism tinged my voice, “And what exactly is a foal?”
Earl nodded before waving off my concerns, “They’re the target audience, but adults are also having fun with it. A foal is a juvenile pony by the way.”
“Are you two talking about Equestria Online?” Howard, my buddy who works in the neighboring cubicle asked. I heard him stand up from his office chair before his head poked over my cubicle wall like a gopher. “That game is awesome! The ponies can understand everything you say through voice commands and the game world lets you do almost anything! I’m playing a train engineer and I get to drive the Friendship Express all over Equestria.”
Howard was a well-known model train aficionado. I’d first met him when I started working at this job and he loved talking about trains. I went over to his apartment once and saw that he had toy trains of all shapes and sizes covering every available space in his home. He had trains on the brain.
“Really?” Earl asked, scratching his goatee. “Were the train controls difficult to figure out? That sounds hard.”
“Let’s just say that you may or may not see an article in the Canterlot Press about a train derailing and plowing into an orphanage,” Howard commented before muttering something about foals running around while on fire. “They would not stop, drop, and roll.”
Earl smirked at him before turning his attention back to me. “Anyway, you’ve got to try out that game. Like Howard said, it lets you do pretty much anything you want. You could race through the clouds, get into magical duels with dark wizards, or just stand in a park and feed the pigeons.”
I thought over that statement for a second before responding, “Hmmm, I’ve always been a fan of stealth-based video games. Sneaking around, pickpocketing NPCs, I love that stuff. Do you think it would let me do something like that?”
“Probably. But you’ll have to learn how to pickpocket on your own. The game has a slight learning curve to it. Other than a few context sensitive button prompts, the game doesn’t hold your hand at all. Your character in the game will have to learn how to do it. There are libraries all over Equestria, you may be able to find a skill book about it.”
That certainly sounded interesting. “You’ve piqued my curiosity. I may give it a try. Is it a PC game or a console game?”
“Neither. You’ll need to buy a special device called a PonyPad.”
My face scrunched up in a slight cringe before I said, “I need to buy a standalone system just to play a single game? That doesn’t sound like a good use of my money.”
“It’s only slightly more expensive than a AAA game title,” Howard chipped in. “It’s not some sort of console that costs five hundred dollars.”
“Besides, even if it did cost five hundred dollars, it would still be worth it,” Earl stated, picking up the ream of papers filled with random numbers from where he put them.
I nodded as Earl wandered off and Howard returned to his cubicle. They’d already sold me on the idea of giving this game a try. The only issue was where should I buy one from? I could get one from a store, but…
Creepy noises emanated from the dimly lit isles of the foreboding toy store. The disgusting sticky floors clearly hadn’t been mopped in centuries. I had spent the past twenty minutes evading a pack of ravenous toddlers that were all throwing a tantrum. Their screams had sounded like the wailing of damned souls.
Finally, I found the prize that I was seeking. It had been hidden in the bowels of the electronics section. The package containing the PonyPad was on top of an alter that was covered in eldritch symbols that clawed at my sanity if I stared at them for too long.
I snatched the box off the pedestal after I sprinkled some holy water on it to remove any curses that could be contaminating it. It took me another twenty minutes to reach the nearest cash register. Having to spend most of that time dodging an old biddy that was attempting to buy an Ebola Happy Time Playset™ (Made in Taiwan) for her granddaughter.
I plopped the PonyPad down in front of the cash register. The cashier was some sort of crimson skinned demonic entity with a beer belly and horns poking out of his receding hairline. The name tag on his vest revealed that his unholy name was Bubba.
“I would like to buy this,” I muttered, eyes darting around in search of other threats. Shadows seemed to creep around me. I could hear things skittering around in the darkness just beyond my sight.
Bubba took one look at the package and laughed. His belly laugh caused small tremors in the ground beneath my feet. “A PonyPad? Don’t you know that’s for little girls? Hey Jim! This fully grown dude wants to buy a PonyPad!”
“Really?” Jim, a snaggle toothed demon working at one of the other registers called out. “That’s hilarious! Does he also want to buy some barbie dolls while he’s here? Maybe a doll house to go with it?”
“You know what? Forget it!” I shouted, tossing the PonyPad at the cashier. “I don’t want to buy your stupid toy anyway!”
Humiliated, hot manly tears poured down my face. I dashed out of the toy store and fled into the cold dark night.
Shaking my head to dispel the daydream, I discarded that possibility. Walking into a store and buying a product like this was too much for my soul to bear. The idea of enduring the judgmental stare of a store employee sent primordial shivers of terror up and down my spine. No, that way lays the path to madness.
I would just have to buy it online instead! Online shopping has always been the best way to buy something embarrassing. Not having to look a cashier in the eye really helped to diminish the emotional impact of it. Sure, that meant that I would be contributing to the decline of small business Mom-And-Pop stores; but… eh… you couldn’t make an omelet without cracking a few Brick-And-Mortar shaped eggs.
Pulling my smartphone out of my pocket, I typed in a quick web search for the word ‘Pads.’ Then scrolled down the list of results.
Tampon pads?
No.
Knee pads?
No.
Urinal cakes? Why is that in the search results?
No. Also, ew.
I frowned at the search results. I clearly wasn’t finding what I was looking for. I erased the word Pads from the search bar. What word should I try next to find what I wanted? It was a longshot, but I tried typing in the word Pony. The search results changed.
A real live Shetland Pony being sold on eBay?
No.
A music band named PONY?
No.
PonyPad?
No.
Wait, go back! Yes, there it is! Finally found one. A couple clicks later and I had added it to the website’s shopping basket. A quick credit card number entry and the order was placed.
My task complete, I spent some time browsing various webcomics. Growing quickly bored, I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. A quick glance at the wall clock revealed that it was just a little past 10am. My work shift had begun a whole hour ago and I was feeling tired from all that hard work (most of it spent browsing on my phone). I laid my head down on my cubicle desk and settled in for a nice nap.