//------------------------------// // Getting The Drop on King Sombra // Story: Ponies Discover Guns (A Rewrite of "You Ponies Are Lucky Idiots!") // by redandready45 //------------------------------// "At last," King Sombra bellowed over his balcony. "After a millennium in that wretched prison, I shall now take my rightful place as Crystal Emperor. And soon, Emperor of all Equestria! HUZZAH!" The Crystal Ponies, assembled before their monarch and in chains, looked dejected. "Cheer for me!" Sombra commanded. "You should all be honored to be my subjects." The Crystal Ponies let out half-hearted cheers, sounding more like victims of strep throat. In frustration, Sombra angrily stormed from his balcony and into his bedroom. "I killed their ruler, enslaved them, destroyed all their hopes and dreams, and planned to rob them of their free will," Sombra muttered to himself. "Why are they so ungrateful toward me?!" "Your majesty," a timid voice said. Sombra turned around and saw a feeble, pink Crystal Pony approach him. "There is-" "What are you supposed to call me, slave?" Sombra said warningly, his sclera turning green as he lit his horn with dark magic. "But-," the servant continued before being roughly seized by her neck in Sombra's magical grip and dragged to face Sombra eye to eye. The trace of panic went through the otherwise jaded pony. "Your royal highness, Ruler of the Crystal Empire, Greatest Conqueror of All, Greatest and Most Powerfulest Pony in all of Ponykind-" "Aaaaaand!" "-and the stallion blessed with the biggest," the servant let out an embarrassed sigh, "size of all the stallions." "Good," Sombra said, releasing the servant from his magical grasp. She roughly fell to the ground. "Now, what drivel must you spout," Sombra arrogantly said to the servant. "This Pegasus gave me this letter demanding that you surrender or face destruction," the servant said, her voice husky from being choked, presenting Sombra with the letter. Sombra opened the letter and read it. After skimming through it, he threw it away while laughing. "They claim they'll destroy the Crystal Empire," Sombra said with a chuckle. "Not even Sunbutt and Moonbutt together could destroy the Empire, let alone keep me chained in their frozen prison forever." He let out another megalomaniacal cackle. "Tell this pegasus I'd like to see them try." Sombra trotted away happily, continuing to boast about his greatness The servant pony stumbled to the window and opened it. A white Pegasus colt flew in. "He said 'he'd like to see you try,'" the servant said with a sour expression. Rumble jotted it down with a clipboard before flying to a cloud just above Sombra's castle. Rumble looked at the box with trepidation, with the words "Conflict Resolution" written on its side. With a solemn sigh, Rumble began pushing the payload toward the edge of the cloud. Sombra prepared for another speech, only accidentally scratching his metal horseshoe against the crystal walls. "Damn it," Sombra yelled. "How could this day get any worse?" Above his head, he heard a whistling sound. When he saw what was overhead, he felt his blood run cold. "Oh. My. Celestia," Sombra said with quiet terror. A monkey crashed on top of him. "Ahh," Sombra screamed as the monkey bit him and scratched away at his skin. "Get it off," get it off," Sombra wailed in pain as the monkey continued to maul him. "Subjects," Sombra said pathetically, "I command you to assist me!" Instead of looking at him with fear or horrified apathy, Sombra's subjects trotted away with disgust, seeing their Emperor reduced to a sniveling child. "He's crying over one little monkey," one pony said disgustingly. "I bet Sombra still uses a nightlight," another pony said. "I bet he still has warm milk before sleep." "Slaves," King Sombra said, trying and falling to throw the monkey off," I plead with you to help your beloved king." The downed king looked desperately at his servant for help. She also trotted away in disgust, but not before lightly bucking the king and farting in his face. "Buck you, Sombra," the servant said tiredly before leaving the balcony. The sounds of the Crystal Empire were filled with shrieks of joy from the freed ponies, the wail of a heroic monkey, and the pitiful cries of a defeated king. "Mommy," the mighty king wailed. "Please get me some warm milk!"