You, Colonel Anon E. Mous, are known for your patience, diligence, and compassion in the face of any obstacle. It was why you rose through the ranks of the United States Army so quickly. And why were you given the assignment of US military attache in Equestria? If anybody could succeed in building bridges with another world, you could do so through your trademark diplomacy and calm.
"YOU PONIES ARE FUCKING MORONS!"
Queen Cakebutt looks at you with confusion, as does Moonbutt and the six other haymunchers in the room. "And why are we morons?" She says while trying to get a piece of toast out of a plugged-in toaster with a metal fork.
Putting aside your confusion over how a species from another side of the galaxy can somehow speak in the same language as you, you pinch the bridge of your nose and calm yourself down. "Are you telling me your whole defense strategy rests on you six," you paused, trying to hold down your frustration, "staying friends?!"
Country Pony looks at you in confusion. "Why would that be a problem?" She asks in a voice that can be described as "Dolly Parton gets high on glue."
"Well, I don't know," you say sarcastically. "What if one of you moves away? Or you fight and break up?" The ponies just stared at you blankly. "Or I don't know," you said in a voice replete with sarcasm, "what if you start dating and your relationship starts breaking down over a love triangle!"
"Don't worry!" Pink Cthulu gushes, suddenly producing a chart she didn't have before. You don't know what drug she's on, but whoever deals it should be shoved into an iron maiden and tortured to death...but not before they give you some. "We'll form a polyamorous quasi-professional friendship with benefits."
Butter Pony let out an excited but calm moan, her face blushing.
"We will all live in the same house and love each other...casually, of course!"
Butter Pony let another squeal.
"Can we join in?!" Moonbutt asked excitedly. Cakebutt said nothing, but the excited frown on her face made it clear she would also like to be part of this harem.
Blood flowed from Butterpony's nostrils as she blushed over the idea.
"Sorry! You're just too hot!" Pink Ctuhlu said, as if reluctantly telling a child there was no Santa Claus. "It just wouldn't be fair to the other ponies."
"But can we have," Cakebutt asked, fluttering her eyelashes, "weekend privileges?"
Pink Cthulu about this philosophical question very carefully. "OK, but only if you write in advance."
"Excuse me," you butted in, annoyed by the discussion of pony polyamory, "can we get this conversation back on-"
"Do you want to join in?" Twilight asked very casually.
"NO!" You furiously replied, your blushing not at all being related to fantasizing about lesbian free-for-alls.
"Really?" Butter Pony said, her voice sounding incredibly disappointed. "You look hot-"
"Moving on," you said forcefully, "aside from any potential breakdown in your relationships, you seem to have forgotten about one thing in your brilliant defense strategy."
"What?" Marshmallow asked you.
You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself. "You know, the big sleep, becoming worm food." When the ponies just looked at you dumbly, you lost your composure. "DEATH!"
The other ponies looked at you like you said the sky was brown. "Death?" Princess Luna asked as if you were describing this weird, far-off fantasy. "Was is this death, thou speakest off?"
You let another sigh, remembering you were stuck in some weird fantasy world where concepts like common sense didn't seem to exist. But before you could explain the idea of non-existing to Moonbutt, a weird alarm blared throughout the throne room, the noise of which made all the ponies present assemble into a battle stance. "What is-"
"The Meanie Alarm!" Princess Nerd yelled. "Somepony is being mean, and we must deal with it." You rolled your eyes, wondering what this so-called threat was and what these "brave warriors" would do about it.
In a small town outside Canterlot, the ponies watched with horror and helplessness as a Diamond Dog began tearing up their market, stealing bits and as much produce as it could carry.
"Won't somepony help us!" Cried out one mare.
"Never fear!" The ponies turned around and saw the Princesses and the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony assembled, along with some weird monkey thing, standing proud and firm. "We'll stop that meanie!" Fluttershy declared. With some prodding, Princess Celestia trotted forward, surrounded by the cheering of her ponies.
s
You stood behind Country, watching with stern eyes what Cakebutt would do. "Excuse me, sir," the Princess said incredibly politely to the thieving canine. "I'm gonna have to ask you to vacate the premises." The Diamond Dog kept looting, seemingly ignorant of the magical pony sun goddess standing beside him. "Very well," the mare said disappointedly, "you leave me no choice." Suddenly, the sun started glowing bright, forcing you and all the ponies to cover your eyes. Thankfully, you have a pair of sunglasses, allowing you to see the mare's horn lit up and her eyes glowing an ominous white. Even the Diamond Dog backed up in fear and alarm. You smirked, thinking these ponies would finally show me they had balls. A massive blast of light erupted from the sun and landed before the Diamond Dog, revealing...
A piece of paper that floated in front of the Princess. You frowned in both disbelief and disappointment. "This is a court order demanding that you vacate the premises," Princess Celestia said dramatically and politely. "If you don't obey...you will declared Meanie of the Kingdom!" The mare sounded like a weird combination of "Ruthless God Queen" and "five-year-old trying to ask for a dollar."
"What?" You said. The Diamond Dog stared blankly at the paper before returning to his looting.
"Sorry, my little ponies," Cakebutt said in disappointed exhaustion. "I couldn't get him to leave." All the ponies muttered to each other about how sad they were but acknowledged that the Princess had used every option possible.
"She tried so hard!" Country muttered. "But in the end"
"OK, that's it!" You yelled, sick of how infantile these mutant horses were, deciding to step forward to deal with the overgrown mutt. "I'll deal with this my way! HEY BITCH!" The Dog stopped his looting to stare at you more intently than the Princesses, who were nominally more of a threat to him. "Your momma smells like the litter box."
The ponies stared at you in shock as if they wanted to wash your mouth with soap. The big, dumb brute didn't take kindly to this and growled, raising his paws to, no doubt, do you some harm. "You're gonna-"
BANG!
The noise startled the ponies, who jumped up like a baby who had heard fireworks for the first time. The Diamond Dog was shaken, but he felt a massive pain on his forehead before he could act on it. He then got wobbly and fell over to the ground, dead with a gunshot wound in his forehead. You held up your smoking pistol with a small amount of pride until you noticed all the ponies stared at you, apparently shocked by what you had done. Suddenly, your pride was replaced by shame.
One mare looked especially horrified. "He's, he's-"
You were consumed by guilt, realizing you exposed these ponies to a degree of violence they just weren't ready for. Feebly, you tried to explain yourself. "I know he was a living thing-"
"OUR HERO!" Some of the ponies cheered before running over to you. You were shocked as all the ponies celebrated you for killing one obnoxious idiot as if you had won the World Series.
"You made that meanie stop!"
"He wouldn't stop stealing no matter how many times I asked him nicely!"
"He's gonna wake up, isn't he?"
Before you could respond to such questions, the Princesses approached you with great interest in their eyes. "Anon," Princess Celestia asked, her purple eyes filled with an excitement that scared you. "This-" she gestured to your gun.
"Pistol!"
"Pistol!" She took yours in her magical grasp and looked at it longingly. "You can use it to deal with any nuisance, right?"
"Uh-"
"Monsters, obnoxious nobles," Moonbutt herself began gushing as she rattled. "Obnoxious sales ponies?"
A chill went through your spine. "Well, I wouldn't use it that way on a salesperson. You might, you know, kill someone."
"Kill?" Cakebutt said in confusion before looking over at the dead body of the canine. "Don't worry, I know he'll wake up from that."
You began hyperventilating as you wondered whether you may have doomed them to destruction in trying to give these ponies protection.
Tirek cackled as he sucked up the magic of other ponies, growing even larger in the process. "YES, I should thank you, ponies, for granting me so much power!" He said in a mocking tone the ponies who attempted to scurry away from him. Using his new psychic powers, he pulled the fleeing ponies back toward him, sucking up their magic like it was whipped cream, growing to the size of a house. "I'll thank you by giving you all the leader you deserve-"
"HEY TIREK!" Tirek turned around and saw the Sun Princess he detested hovering in front of him with a mocking smile.
While the mares and stallions welcomed the arrival of their long-ruling Princess, Tirek showed zero concern that the Mare of the Sun showed her face and lit up his horns as he prepared his attack. "It's only fitting that my reign shall begin with your defeat-" Tirek paused when he heard a blast. "What did you-" Tirek paused when he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen. He looked down and saw a massive wound had appeared in his chest. "My heart-" Tirek began before letting out pained and wet coughs as his vision began to blur. He could barely look at his rival, holding a weapon he knew nothing about, before his massive body fell to the ground dead. In a gigantic burst of light, the magical energy he absorbed flowed out of him, reducing his body to its smaller size and returning the mana to the ponies he stole it from, who let out a hardy cheer for their Princess who had saved them once again.
"The best part is," Princess Celestia said in a giddy tone as she looked at her still-smoking shotgun, "is that they stop talking!" The cheering of the ponies gave way to the horror as Celestia chuckled like a madmare.
Princess Celestia teleported back to the castle throne room, still holding up her shotgun like a filly who got a new toy. "This is great at dealing with nuisances. What other nuisance-"
"Auntie!" The shrill voice of her so-called "nephew" bellowed. "A servant offended me by looking at me in the eye!"
"Don't worry, my little nephew!" Princess Celestia said, pumping her