//------------------------------//
// (6) Inside Out 
// Story: Coming Out Of My Cage 
// by Boopy Doopy 
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“You… you are Katrina,” Twilight observed as Mark turned his head away, shutting his eyes tightly and grimacing. He couldn’t help but be ashamed by that revelation. He felt like he was lying to her, both right now when he was able to be himself and a second ago when she thought he was someone else.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. “But wait, you didn’t look female on that side. Is there something wrong with the worldgate? I’ll have to take a look and see what-”
“Nothing’s wrong with it…” he interrupted, practically whispering, keeping his head turned. “I… I’ve always looked like that…”
Even as anxious and awful and awkward as he felt telling her that, he still felt the relief he got yesterday wash over him once again. This time though, he stopped to focus on it and appreciate it, his chest tightening as he did so. He knew what he was doing, and what it meant. He knew the acknowledgment of how nice it felt for the dysphoria to be gone was opening a door that could never be closed. Still though, as much as he knew it was wrong for him, he wanted to embrace the feeling. It was one he’d thus far experienced only twice in his life.
“Huh?” Twilight asked, tilting her head, curious. “Human females don’t look like that as far as I remember, at least not in the mirror version of Equestria. Do you have some sort of genetic condition?”
“I…”
“You’re already here,” he told himself. “She already saw. There’s no reason not to tell her. Just say it.”
He felt his hooves shaking at the prospect of saying it out loud. As dumb as he knew it was, he somehow felt like if he didn’t say it, there was still a chance it might not actually be true.
“Just do it. Get it over with. You’ll feel a little bit better if you just say it. Stop being a coward.”
“I…” he started, his head turned away, the emotion almost, but not quite, overtaking him. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he finished quickly. “I’m sorry.”
She glanced down at his cutie mark for a second and blinked before shaking her head, saying, “Well it’s very interesting to hear that a worldgate would be able to change your appearance based on the perception you have of yourself. I’ll have to write that down for my notes.”
“How can this be real?” he asked himself, nearly letting the tears slip through just from the fact that his outer and inner voices matched. “This is so amazing and unbelievable.”
He wished he appreciated it yesterday. It was just as unbelievable a feeling then as it was now, yet he barely acknowledged it. He should’ve done more to appreciate it, and yet he didn’t.
“Not like you’re doing very much to appreciate it now. You still can’t even bring yourself to say what you know is true even while you actively enjoy this feeling. How pathetic is that?”
“I know you’re not from Equestria, Katrina, but can you help carry me to Ponyville General?” Twilight asked, interrupting his thoughts. “I definitely twisted my ankle at the very least, maybe even something worse. I might have bruised my tail, too. I can show you where the hospital is at. I would teleport there, but using magic while you're injured increases the time you need to heal.”
There was no reason he couldn’t. He worked overnight, and was already awake much earlier than usual. It was another full day to do whatever he wanted, and what he wanted right then was to take advantage of how nice he felt. It made his ears flatten in embarrassment to think about though as he rubbed one hoof behind the other.
“Um, sure,” he replied, a bit of shyness in his voice as he bent down to offer her his shoulder to latch on to. “Uh, what were you doing in my house?”
“Well, you left so suddenly yesterday, I got concerned about having overloaded you with questions,” she said, giving a sort of sheepish grin as she leaned on him. “I’ve, uh, been known to go overboard with things like that before. I just wanted to apologize. It’s probably a bit weird to have someone use a get to know you spell on you.”
“Um, yeah, it’s…” he trailed off as they walked, letting Twilight control the direction as they carefully walked down the stairs. “I’d rather not have someone know everything about me.”
“Sorry. I understand that. I would like to be your friend though. I mean, I’ve never been friends with another human before, not one from anywhere besides the mirror world. Plus, you seem like a nice mare… err, girl. Oh! Would you be willing to let me interview you while we walk? I’d love to learn more about you and what your life is like.”
“Sure, but can I ask first how you even know who the heck I am?” he asked, deciding not to comment on being called a girl. “If what you said before about this being another dimension is true, how would you ever be able to send me a PM about a freaking teleporter being built in my house?”
“I’m not sure what a PM is, but sending a message is easy! All I needed was your name! Princess Celestia has a small mirror that lets us view other worlds, so all I had to do was wait for you to write it down.”
“That seems a little bit stalkerish,” Mark commented, not that Twilight really listened. “And if you knew what I looked like, why were you surprised when…” He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed by the question he asked.
“For some reason, when we were scanning through, it never really let us get a good look at you. Mostly, it just showed us your logs on that message sending program. We were never really able to get a good look at your face, or much of you at all for that matter. It was actually one of the factors that led to me using that get to know you spell, and partly why we wanted to use your home. It was just so strange to see in contrast to every creature else.”
“Okay, I lied. That’s very stalkerish.”
Twilight shrugged as best she could while leaning on him. “I don’t really see how, but okay. Anyway, why do you talk on that messaging program so much? I watched you for a few weeks and it looked like you hardly ever left your home.”
“Well, that’s where most of my friends are,” he told her. “I mean, sure, I don’t know what most of them look like, or what they even sound like, but they’re still my friends, and I like hanging out with them.”
“So wait, have you never seen any of those creatures you say are your friends?”
“No, but I still say they're my friends. I mean, I talk to them every day. Online is a place where you can make friends with complete strangers that you would’ve never been able to meet in real life. It’s very nice.”
“Not to mention, I can just be myself for a little while,” he couldn’t help but silently add.
“Huh, now there’s a thought. A way to make friends with people you wouldn’t be able to meet face to face…” she trailed off thoughtfully. “I assume part of the reason you don’t meet ponies face to face is because you’re a masculine looking female where you’re from?”
He physically cringed at that comment, so much so that Twilight almost tripped over her hooves, wincing in pain as she barely kept herself upright.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but can we please not talk about that?” Mark asked, his voice cracking with a bit of desperation entering it. “I really don’t want to have to think about that right now…”
“I’m sorry,” the unicorn apologized. “I didn’t mean to be inconsiderate.” She glanced down at his flank again for a moment, noting the colors of the flag that was on it. “I was just wondering if you-”
“Twilight!” Spike suddenly called out of nowhere, the dragon running up to them. “You’re finally back! Are you okay?”
“Well, I could be better,” she responded. “I might have hurt myself while going through the worldgate, but luckily Katrina was there to help me out. She’s taking me to Ponyville General now to see the doctor.”
Mark smiled shyly at her words, picking up his hoof to give a little wave to the dragon and nearly falling on his face before catching himself. “The casserole tasted very good,” he told him kindly.
“Thank you, ma’am,” he replied, giving a little bow, Mark smiling even wider at the pronouns being used for him. He knew he shouldn’t have been entertaining this at all. It was just going to make his dysphoria worse when he had to go back. He couldn’t help though the niceness he got from being seen as he wanted to be.
“It was meant for my friend Rarity, but I’m glad somepony enjoyed it. Twilight can tell you I’m the best chef in all of Ponyville.”
“It’s true,” she said. “He’s the best. Anyway, do you have any hobbies, Katrina?”
He gratefully accepted the subject change, letting her ask questions about himself as she directed him on where to go, Spike deciding to accompany them. Before long, the three of them were outside in the sun, walking down the road into a small town. There were quite a few other horses, ponies he remembered, out and about, doing whatever it was they did all day. He would’ve thought it was very cute to see had he not become nervous by the sight of all of them.
“What’s wrong, Katrina?” Twilight asked, feeling him tense up.
“I- I don’t like being around a lot of people,” he admitted as the two continued their slow way through town. “I don’t like people looking at me…”
“You look fine,” she assured him. “Just like a normal mare. Nopony’s gonna look at you, at least not more than they would anypony else.”
“I… I feel like they will…” he responded, starting to become a bit breathless.
“You look exactly like any other mare, Katrina,” Spike said. “I mean, I can’t see a difference between you and anypony else, except for Rarity. I don’t know what you’re so concerned about.”
He accepted their words, but couldn’t help but shake slightly as they walked. He couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of someone seeing him and figuring out he wasn’t what he looked like. He imagined someone coming up to him and calling him out for pretending to be a girl when he knew he wasn’t. All he got though was happy waves and smiles as he passed through, much to his relief.
“A normal mare though, she said,” he thought to himself as they walked. “Not a normal girl. I’m pretending to be a mare. Almost, but not quite there.” Despite the nice feeling he had, that comment made it feel a little bit like he was only roleplaying as who he wanted to be. Still, if this was as close as he was going to get, he decided he would take it over the other options he had, for now at least.
A few minutes later, they were walking into the building that both Twilight and Spike assured him was Ponyville General, despite its relatively nondescript appearance. It only took a moment for the ponies to see her limp and bruised appearance and rush up to her. They quickly took her and ushered her ahead to be examined, leaving Mark and Spike alone to find a seat in the waiting room.
“Hey, Katrina,” Spike said as they sat down. “I gotta ask, what’s up with you?”
“What do you mean?” Mark responded, tilting his head a bit as he tried to position his flank in the chair correctly. It was another thing that made him feel like he was roleplaying: the discomfort he got from having a tail and hooves.
“I mean, I know you’re from another world and all,” the dragon explained, “but you’re acting all shy and stuff. You’re looking around like somepony’s gonna make fun of you or something. What’s going on?”
“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing,” he lied, quietly blushing to himself as he looked away. 
Spike looked at him silently for a moment before asking, “You’re not in love with Twilight, are you? Cause that would be waaaay too weird.”
“No, I’m not in love with Twilight. I’m just…” How could he put it? He didn’t want to out himself, and if he could help it, he didn’t want to lie. It was a tough spot, and he took more than a moment to think of what to say.
“I’m just… not used to feeling this nice about myself,” he admitted, doing his best to remain vague as his ears flattened in embarrassment. “I mean…. I just… I don’t feel disgusted with who I am. It’s unusual is all.”
“Huh. Is this about your name?” he asked. “I can call you Mark if you want me to. It’s not a problem.”
“I- no. You don’t have to do that,” he said, his blush growing. “I… I like the name Katrina better…” By the time he finished talking, his voice was a whisper.
“Okay, if you say so, Katrina. Hey, I’m gonna go run to the bathroom. I’ll be back.” With that, he left Mark sitting alone.
He couldn’t help but think about how nice he felt right then as he sat in the waiting room. It was amazing to walk out in public and feel like himself, even if he worried about what other people saw when they looked at him. It felt too good, and he used his hooves to hug himself as he sat, hoping the feeling wouldn’t end.
He didn’t know why, but he found himself thinking that soon the dysphoria would start to creep back up on him, that the feeling of well being would dissipate and replace itself with the hate he usually felt for himself. “It’s only a matter of time,” his brain told him. “If you stay here long enough, the feeling will start to come back again. Then what will you do?” He had no answer to that.
“Ma’am?” someone called, Mark instinctively looking up and feeling embarrassed when he realized he did. “The hospital staff and I just wanted to thank you for helping to bring Twilight in,” one of the nurses said, one with a white coat and a red cross on her flank. “If she walked here by herself, she might have hurt herself more. Thank you for helping her.”
“It’s no trouble,” he replied quickly, looking more at the ground than the pony. “Is she gonna be okay?”
“It looks like she’s gonna be fine, but it could’ve been much worse,” the nurse replied sweetly. “She will need a few days of rest though to heal up. Luckily she has friends like you to help her where she’ll need it. Can I ask how she got hurt like that though?”
“Oh, well, um…” He didn’t know how much he should tell her, considering that Twilight tried to make it clear that she didn’t want someone else to know about the teleporter. 
“She said she fell down when she was climbing up a ladder. I found her on the floor a few minutes later and helped her get here. We were in the library when it happened.”
“Oh, yeah, that’ll do it, and it sounds just like her. Probably working on some experiment when it happened, right? It’s definitely a good thing you helped her get here. Walking all the way here from her castle would’ve definitely caused problems. It’s a very good thing you did for her, ma’am.”
“It’s no trouble,” he told her again, doing his best to not smile. “I was just trying to help.”
“What’s your name?” the nurse asked. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. I know most of the ponies here in Ponyville.”
“Katrina,” he answered before realizing what he’d done. “Um, I mean it’s…”
The nurse raised an eyebrow expectantly as his heart started to beat faster. He had no idea what he should do. On one hand, the people here had already attached the name Katrina to him, even when he said his name was Mark. Not to mention, it felt very nice to be called that and made his chest fill with happy butterflies when he was. On the other, it would be a blatant acknowledgment to himself of what he was, which, despite how nice he felt, was still the last thing he wanted to do. It would be another step down a very terrifying road, one he still wasn’t sure he was ready to go down. He knew he really shouldn’t have been entertaining this at all.
“It’s…” He trailed off quietly, closing his eyes for a moment to force the words out. “It’s Katrina,” he answered shyly, turning his head away but pointing his eyes up at her anyway. He couldn’t help but wonder if she would see right through him. He wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
“Well, you’re a very nice lady for doing this, Katrina,” the nurse told him kindly. “It’s always nice to see mares like you out in the world. Thank you again.”
“You’re welcome,” he smiled bashfully, enjoying the euphoria that welled up inside of him, giving a little wave as she turned around to head somewhere else. He guessed he could call himself Katrina while he was here. It wouldn’t do any harm.