- - -
So. As far as royal weddings went, this one had been a bit of a bummer. Shining Armor was getting hitched to Princess Mi Amore Candenza (Cadance for short, because... Your guess is as good as mine). It was quite a nice deal for the Captain of the Guards, marrying the adopted niece of Princess Celestia. Yeah, it is a bit Roman isn't it?
Anyway, in the spirit of universal manliness, I actually offered him a brofist in congratulations.
One he didn't return. Rude.
Then again, upon meeting Cadance, maybe I should have reconsidered the congratulations. Damn but she was a bitch. Treated Spike like dirt, was catty and nasty to everyone else. Me, she had a creepy fixation on, said I had to be in the wedding party-I was delicious. According to her.
Hitting on me when she's getting married? Dude, now I felt bad for Shining. Sure, he could be a hard headed idiot but he didn't deserve this. Twilight was especially upset, causing such a rift that her brother actually asked her not to be in the wedding!
Well... I wasn't going to stand for it. As politely as I could, I said I wasn't going to be in it either. I tried to go after Twilight but... Well, she apparently didn't want to be found.
And despite the fact I was a military advisor to the Diarchy and had been in Canterlot many times... As I stood in the middle of a crowded intersection, I realized...
"I have no fucking idea where Twilight would go," I muttered.
I sighed, and rubbed the back of my head.
I headed back to the palace, and made it to my room. Fluttershy was waiting for me, looking concerned.
"Are... Are you all right?" She asked. I shrugged.
"I... Sort of," I said. "Wish I could help more."
Fluttershy smiled wanly.
"It's... A family issue," she said, "and they can only solve it themselves. Applejack said so and... I understand it."
I winced, thinking of Fluttershy's younger brother.
"Fair enough," I said.
Still, something was bugging me. Something in the back of my mind, like a mosquito buzzing about just out of sight. I tried to silence my nagging doubts with reason:
I was an alien, after all, and despite our similarities there was a lot of Pony body language I didn't grasp. I could be missing plenty.
I barely knew Cadance and it had been years since Twilight knew her. It was also her wedding day-Brides could turn into real monsters when it came to wedding preparations. It didn't mean they were bad people, just under a lot of stress.
Twilight was prone to overreacting. God, I still remembered the time loop incident. I suppose the fact that time travel was A: possible but B: restricted to a stable time loop system was comforting. The consequences of Twilight being able to change history during one of her episodes was terrifying.
Finally, this was a family squabble and... I wasn't family. Oh sure, I was friends with them. Very close. Twilight probably wanted me to be family, someday. But this was something they had to figure out themselves, as Fluttershy had said.
This was all perfectly reasonable... Even the time travel part.
But there was a nagging part of me that insisted something was wrong. The same part that usually gave me a heads up when Chewie was about to pounce.
So... I pulled out my luggage and made some preparations. And I got Pinkie Pie to help.
She insisted on cuddling with me in my bed as payment, and Fluttershy insisted on the same, but I wasn't complaining. Too much.
- - -
That morning, I very politely asked to be let back into the wedding party, that I was very sorry. Cadence was... Almost delighted, and gave me a creepy grin. I immediately got back with the wedding party and the mares formed a protective barrier around me.
Sometimes I appreciated my strange animal magnetism. Not often, but sometimes.
Maybe God's latest practical joke on me wasn't bad all the time.
Oh of course it was God. I wasn't going to give credit to Discord. He's a dick.
Anyway, Equestrian wedding ceremonies weren't too different in many respects from a standard Western wedding ceremony. Probably not a huge surprise, given they were influenced by humans in their distant past. I stood there in my green and pink formal wear-Something Rarity had made special for me. I was very grateful to her. Spike was the ringbearer and managed to not look like his masculine pride was damaged by it. Good man. Dragon. Whatever.
All was going well up until the final vows... When Twilight burst into the chapel... Alongside another, dirtier Princess Cadance.
"STOP THE WEDDING!" Twilight shouted, "THAT'S NOT PRINCESS CADANCE!"
"I AM!" The other pink alicorn shouted.
All eyes turned onto the other Cadance, standing up alongside Shining. Now, Shining had looked like he was in a daze for most of the wedding preparations. I had chalked it up to him being... A dolt and in love, really. Also having to play peacekeeper for his bride and everyone else. But upon a closer inspection...
The guy looked like he was drugged out of his gourd. Hell, his eyes were glowing green!
... And now 'Cadance's' eyes were glowing green. She was cackling as she was consumed with flames, like she was pulling a Maleficent and going Dragon mode.
And... Well, she wasn't a dragon. She was some tall, dark, creepy looking bug-alicorn thing. Like if H. R. Geiger had designed Celestia. Hoo boy, we had an evil shapeshifter plot on our hands.
And then multiple other bodies revealed they too were... Bug-pony things.
Aw shit. We were being invaded by aliens?!
"Stand down or be destroyed!" Celestia bellowed, rising up into the air, brimming with magical power. I felt relieved. Princess Celestia, like the OG Superman, was going to protect us and kill this bitch!
She unleashed a blast of pure sun energy, so hot that even a dozen meters away I pulled on my sunglasses.
The... Bug-Queen unleashed her own green blast and, like something out of Dragonball Z, forced it back... Onto Princess Celestia. There was a blast, and our princess was knocked down. Twilight screamed her name as everyone else gasped in horror.
Okay... So a Superman solution wasn't going to work here. Fine.
"You ponies will be our food," the Bug-Queen hissed, "your precious love and emotions will feed my hive for an eternity!"
I rummaged in my great coat, and pulled out a bundle. I pulled out my lighter, and calmly ignited the fuse. The Bug-Queen stared at me, dumbfounded.
"What on Equus are you-?"
"Here, catch," I said calmly, tossing it to the Bug-Queen.
She caught it in her telekinesis, confused. Twilight though wasn't, and immediately put a bubble shield around the Bug-Queen.
KABOOOOOMMMMMM!!!
Even with the forcefield, everyone was knocked to the floor and smoke and debris filled the air. My ears were ringing as I slowly got up. I'd landed on Dash, who was a bit annoyed but I couldn't hear her complaints. Twilight cast another spell, and then I could hear.
Mostly her complaints.
"How did you-Why would you bring dynamite to a wedding?!" Twilight demanded.
I winced, and then shrugged as I shared a knowing look with Pinkie Pie.
"Dynamite emergencies," we said in synch. Twilight stared in utter disbelief. The disheveled Princess Cadance laughed.
"I like him!" She cried. "Twilight, you should marry him."
"WHAT?!" Twilight gasped. As did Shining Armor, immediately standing up from the pile of ponies he'd been buried under.
... As did Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Geez, I'm amazed I wasn't deaf by now.
"Oh good! That broke Chrysalis's spell," Cadance said cheerfully. She immediately grabbed Shining and pulled him into a sloppy, needy looking kiss. The captain of the guard immediately relaxed, and kissed her back just as needfully. It would have been romantic, even touching... Had the Bug-Queen not emerged from the smoke and debris. Well, most of her-Apparently taking a full bundle of dynamite right to the face wasn't good for her complexion.
"You... You insane monkey...!" She snarled, "I'll drain you dry!"
"Unlikely," said I, pulling out the Elements of Harmony and tossing them to their bearers. Twilight smirked, as they all powered up. The Bug-Queen and her minions were all shocked.
"But-How-?!"
"I knew something was going to go down here," Twilight shouted, "and I was right! Now, begone!"
The Elements of Harmony used Rainbowplosion. It was super effective.