Dear Journal,
How long can I keep this up?
We went out again, all of us. To catch up, they said. This was about a week ago, but I haven't felt like doing much of anything since then, including writing in my journal.
I was already caught up on their lives. It was always the same things. Studies, work/baking, work/family, work/fabric, and work/pets. The only thing that surprised me was that Flutters got engaged.
The guy seems a bit on the weird side, but she can bring out a gentleness in him that almost makes me believe in true love again.
Almost.
But, yeah, I'm the only one in our friend group who isn't working regularly. I quit my job a week or so ago. None of my coworkers were surprised.
I didn't need the money. My parents' will set me up for life, if I don't go crazy. I just needed something to do. Something to get out of the house.
I didn't tell my friends that. I just told them that everything was awesome.
Most of them believed it.
She didn't.
I could tell she was watching me. When I looked at her, my stomach did its usual flippy-floppy thing, but the look in her eyes almost stopped my heart. She was almost glaring. It looked like she was concentrating, as if she needed to study for a test and the answers were on my face.
I didn't know what to do. I just gave an awkward smile, shrugged, then turned to hear another customer horror story. I felt bad ignoring her, but she can't know how I really am. She just can't.
When it was my turn to talk about something new that happened, I bullshitted a story about a client coming in and giving me grief. I don't even really remember what it was about, but I think it was good. It was believable, at least.
Eventually someone had to leave. The party was winding down. I waited until I was like the third or fourth person leaving. I didn't want to go home to my empty house, but I didn't want to be alone with her.
But right when I announced that I was leaving, she said she was leaving too, and that we could walk to our cars together.
I was scared, but I forced myself to play it cool. She's my best friend for crying out loud!
I'd parked my bike right in front of the building we went to for ice cream, so we reached it first. Her beat-up car was farther away.
I still can't believe what happened.
One minute we were walking down the sidewalk towards my bike and the next she pushed me up against the brick wall.
Her face was only a few inches away from mine, but I couldn't move. She was pinning me there. We stood like that for a minute. I would've asked what was going on, but I lost my voice.
She eventually spoke. She asked, "Why'd you lie?" I really am a terrible liar.
I think I stammered something out about not knowing what she was talking about. I wasn't really paying attention to her anger. All I could think about was that she was so close to me. If I'd leaned forward just a bit, I would have kissed her.
But I didn't kiss her.
We argued for a bit longer until she let me go. I could barely look at her when I said goodbye, then I cranked the motor and sped off.
I wish that had all gone differently. I wish I wasn't so fucking fragile that a simple question from her freezes me up, let alone when she gets rough with me and expects me to be rough back. That's how we spent so much time as kids, so how can I explain something like that to her when she asks again?
I just don't know how much longer I can keep lying to her face.