//------------------------------//
// Job One 1.9 
// Story: Princess Diaries 
// by emstar 
//------------------------------//

So, Ms. Twilight Sparkle, tell me: what’s interesting about you?

I struggled to think of a response. We rode in silence for a while longer. 

“Um,” I said. “Well, I just moved here, actually. I’m the new head librarian for the Golden Oak…”

Rarity shook her head and made a sort of so-so gesture with her hoof.

“Yes, I know that.” She looked at me with those eyes again. They were twinkling. “But is that really something interesting about you? Do you find the work you do there interesting?”

I fidgeted. 

“Well,” I said, “I don’t… I don’t really see why it wouldn’t be? Books are pretty useful, they can tell you all sorts of things that you’d never know otherwise, facts about places you wouldn’t be able to go, information that someone else has discovered, etcetera. If you find a good story, you can sink your teeth into it and really experience it, and that can be a really valuable experience.” 

Rarity seemed to consider those words.

“Hmm,” she said. “In a more general sense then, it’s mostly about the acquisition of knowledge and experience? I can agree that that’s interesting at times, but it’s hardly something interesting about you.”

She waved at the carriage as if to demonstrate a point.

“I suppose I shall lead by example,” Rarity said with a slight huff. “Here is something interesting about me: I am the pony who is ultimately in charge of all of the organized crime that goes on from the borders of Appleloosa to the suburbs of Manehattan.”

“I— what?”

Rarity just looked back at me expectantly, as if… as if she had asked me to pass her a salt shaker at dinner, or made a passing comment about the weather. 

I just sort of stared.

This is a very strange and uncomfortable social interaction, my nerves told me. They told me this by making my heart rate shoot up into the sky.

Yeah, we probably shouldn’t have gotten in this carriage, in retrospect, my brain told me. At the moment I couldn’t help but agree.

Okay, but can you give me something useful to say in this conversation, brain? Can you calm down, nerves?

I didn’t get a response. 

Figures. 

“Let me repeat myself a bit more clearly,” Rarity said, with a bit of a smile. “My organization is in charge of various illicit activities such as smuggling, racketeering, drug distribution, and prostitution. That’s not an exhaustive list, of course. But that is an interesting fact to know about Rarity, this pony whose carriage you are currently riding in. Wouldn’t you say?”

This pony is having me on, right?

“Haha,” I said with a forced smile. “Now can you pull the other one?”

Rarity’s smile vanished. “I’m being completely serious.” 

Huh?

I bit my lip to try to dispel some of the sleep deprivation induced haze that was currently clouding my thoughts. It worked somewhat.

“Okay,” I said. Some amount of exhaustion and frustration crept into my voice despite my best efforts. “Look… yes, that’s an interesting ...fact... but, like… why are you telling me any of that? Do you just… pick ponies off of the road and start launching into explanations of your criminal organization? Suppose I disagree with an organization that does any of the things you just said, on principle. How do you benefit from giving me that information in such a blunt fashion? You could just be some rich pony spinning me a story for kicks. Are you just some sort of weird pathological liar?”

I left out the “And what is wrong with you???” but I had a feeling that it got communicated anyway.

Rarity smirked a bit. 

“Assuming I’m telling you the truth,” Rarity said. “Well, it’s not exactly some sort of secret, I’m fairly certain every pony in Ponyville knows. The politicians in the state know, as do local law enforcement. I’m just doing you a courtesy here by letting you into the loop— you do value gaining some new knowledge, don’t you?”

Something about the way that was phrased or the matter-of-fact tone in which it was said really ticked me off. It might’ve been the flippant way it was stated, or the familiarity with how she said it — yeah, that was it actually. She acted like she knew me already.

But she didn’t know me.

 “To answer another question of yours, suppose you do disagree with my professional life as a matter of principle. What is a little pony like you possibly going to do about it?” 

My temper flared.

When I replied, my voice sounded much more calm than I actually felt inside. “Well, I could pick you, your dogs, and your whole carriage up and toss you halfway back to town.” 

I was being hyperbolic— the best I’d be able to manage is to knock the carriage into a tumble, and in my current state that would definitely leave me gasping and wishing for a cold glass of lemonade. It would be a while yet until I could be casually tossing things that large around. My mentor, Ebegeezer McColt, could pull off such feats of evocation with relative ease, but he’s been around the block for a couple hundred years. Magically speaking, I was definitely more of a generalist at the moment. That had some drawbacks— I couldn’t be throwing out lightning bolts and tossing giant boulders around willy-nilly, or slapping up ultra-impenetrable defensive wards at the drop of a hat— but it definitely had some advantages. I was pretty decent at everything. 

The diamond dogs across the carriage seemed to actually register my statement as the threat that it was intended to be (maybe they picked up on my body language or something, I don’t know) instead of parsing it as some insane claim— or maybe they were just reacting to my intent, yeah, that made more sense. They both growled threateningly at me, and I reminded myself that I didn’t really want to start a fight in close quarters with these two behemoths around. 

Rarity stilled, eyes darting to her bodyguards (minions? flunkies? lackeys?) before looking back at me. She seemed to consider her next words just a bit more carefully. 

“I see,” she said, after some thought. “And you would actually do that? In this purely hypothetical scenario, of course.”

Probably not.

“At this rate? I might,” I said, a bit testily. “Or I might not. In this purely hypothetical scenario, of course.”

“Quite,” Rarity said. “Well, I’m happy to inform you that I was, in fact, lying to you just to have some fun at my own expense. It’s an unfortunate vice of mine that I indulge now and then. My apologies.”

Oh, of course. That makes much more sense. 

She’s just a complete bitch.

“Alright, so you really are just — “

 “I only do white-collar crime. Tax evasion, money laundering, that sort of thing. I look down on the more unsavoury aspects of the criminal underworld quite heavily.

“Now, the fascinating subject that I actually wanted to speak to you about: I’ve heard rumors on the grapevine that you claim to be a ‘wizard’, or at least that’s what the signage on your front door is telling everypony. I find that claim incredibly interesting. I also find the specifics of your little household pet to be quite intriguing, since it doesn’t appear to be any animal that I’m aware of. But to sidestep an awkward conversational segue, I’ll skip to requesting a breakdown of your rates for various… let’s say ‘consultations’, for now.”

She leveled a measuring look at me, as if I was a piece of fruit at the market that she was sizing up and deciding whether or not it was pretty enough to buy.

“My organization has a sizable benefits package, and I can provide you access to a large variety of resources, should you choose to sign on for the little odd favor here and there.”

Bitch, I might be tired, but I know bait when I see it. I gave her a side glance and prepared myself to begin deploying the snark. 

“So, you’re watching my home, or something?” 

“Well, naturally. You’re new in town, and there are enough quirky little details about your appearance here that you’ve caught my attention. I make it my business to follow up on things that catch my attention, sooner or later. It’s fortunate that we picked you up on the road, really. Saved me quite a lot of effort arranging a meeting.”

“Uh huh.” I tapped my hoof against my chin. “So… do you go through my trash too?”

Rarity blinked.

“I wouldn’t figure you to be the type. I can leave some fancier food in the compost bin if the current selection is a little lackluster. You do look like you could use a few more pounds.”

It was a cheap shot. Not my best, but sometimes the cheap shot is the one that gets underneath a pony’s coat. 

Rarity huffed indignantly at that. She actually looked offended for a moment, before letting out another laugh. It sounded very practiced and very-polished, like it was tailor-made to fit some sort of high-society ball. 

It got on my nerves.

“You aren’t very polite, are you Twilight?” Rarity said. “Well, I can see that I’ve been overstepping my conversational bounds a bit—my sincere apologies for that. Now that I think on it, you do appear to be quite tired, and I wouldn’t want to be inconsiderate in light of that. Here, let’s enjoy some refreshments for the remainder of the ride. Would you like some wine? Something to snack on?”

I felt my eyes narrow down to slits. My mind went through about a thousand retorts before I slammed my mouth shut. I decided to wait for the carriage to stop, and to not say anything further. I didn’t touch any food or drink. My stomach grumbled slightly in protest, but I decided that it didn’t get a say in the matter.

Luckily the rest of the trip only lasted a couple minutes, because there was a solid chance that the next words out of my mouth would’ve been a spell to give this pony the wedgie of the century with her overpriced designed clothes.