//------------------------------//
// Chapter Thirteen: Of Burgers and Flies 
// Story: That One Time: Two Princesses Enjoyed Their Harem Honeymoon 
// by TheCrimsonDM 
//------------------------------//


Chapter Thirteen: Of Burgers and Flies



Written by TheCrimsonDM


It had been a good few hours before Twilight and Rainbow Dash finally ascended back up to the second floor. It was mid afternoon, and they were both sweaty, hungry, and a little sticky. Things that they were going to need to take care of, but hunger came first. It was with a little sorrow that once Twilight did reach the kitchen area, she called for Spike, and realized he wasn't here. Neither were any servants. 

Rainbow Dash snickered. "So, what’chu going to do about food, Princess?"

Twilight stared at her. "You're a princess too I'll have you know."

"Yes, but I'm an awesome princess. I have more than just big brains and a big butt."

Twilight gasped. "My butt is not big, that's Pinkie and Celestia's job!"

Rainbow Dash glanced over her shoulder at the pile of sleeping ponies on the bed. "Yeah, I think you're right about that one."

Twilight looked at the fridge and opened it up. There were a lot of ingredients to be sure, but no snacks. How could Luna stock this place without any snacks? That was practically a sin. "Let's go find Applejack and Pinkie."

Rainbow Dash gave her a funny look. "Why?"

"Because I'm hungry."

"And you're going to eat them?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Haha, very funny, I'll... consider that for later. No, I'm going to ask them to cook something."

Rainbow Dash sat down. "Uh, Twilight, they aren't our servants. You can't just make them cook for us."

"Listen, Rainbow Dash, honey, there are a few things I can do, and do really well. There are a few things I can't do. I can't swim, I can't dance, and I most certainly can't cook. So I'm going to ask them for help because when they need help with something I can actually do, I'll be there for them."

"Oh, like changing mother nature through force of magic?"

Twilight scoffed. "I've only done that a few times."

"Uh-huh. So what you’re really saying is you’re too lazy and scared to try cooking your own food for once."

Twilight glared at her. "Excuse me?"

"Nah, I'm gonna make fun of you for this."

Twilight spun on her hooves and using her telekinetic magic began dragging a bunch of random fruits and vegetables out of the fridge. "You want to see me cook, fine! I'll cook, but you're going to eat what I cook, and you’re going to pretend you like it or I'll cry."

Rainbow Dash snickered. "Sure thing, princess. I'll just go sit over here and watch."

"No you don't!" Twilight snapped. "You're going to help me."

Rainbow Dash groaned. "But what's the point of tricking you into cooking food for us if I have to help."

"The fact that you actually admit to it concerns me, but I’ll punish you for it later. Perhaps with a nice spanking."

Rainbow Dash snapped to attention. "I'm not into your kinks, Twilight, don't you dare."

"I'm sure Celestia would like to watch."

Rainbow Dash began pulling out frying pans from the cupboards a little higher up. "Listen I'll help okay, just stop trying to slap my butt. Now what do we need?"

"How about oil, frying pan, knife, and uh... ponies use seasonings in cooking right?"

"I think so?"

"Great, grab some of those too."

Rainbow Dash shrugged. They were about to cook food, Twilight may not have any idea what she was doing, but she'd watched Spike cook before. Some fried vegetables sounded easy enough to do. What could go wrong?

An hour later the two of them sat at the dining table with a plate each full of brunt black vegetables. Twilight stared at them and could smell the horrible scent of mixed seasonings and salt and charcoal. This was a mistake, but she at least had to make a show of it. She lifted a fork up and stabbed it into what she believed used to be a potato at some point. It crunched as the fork speared it. She lifted it to her lips and shoved it into her mouth. She chewed a few times, it was dry, it was crunchy, it was salty and spicy. 

Twilight swallowed and smiled wide. "Wow, that's actually really good."

Rainbow Dash blinked. "Whoa, no way!" she quickly shoved a giant forkful of the food into her mouth, chewed a few times and then her entire face soured up as she forced herself to swallow. "Oh, by Celestia's burning sun, that food tastes like actual suck."

Twilight giggled. "This is why I said we should get the actual cooks in here."

Rainbow Dash glared at her. "Wait a minute, you lied to me, you hate this food too."

"Hate is such a strong word, I prefer... wanting to commit genocide against this entire meal."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Melodramatic much?"

"Maybe, but it proves my point. This is why I don't cook. Now hope you enjoy it, because you have to keep eating."

Rainbow Dash groaned. "But, why? We're princesses now, can't we just go get fast food?"

Twilight blinked. "I..." her horn lit up and she teleported away. She came back a couple minutes later with two bags of Mgronald's fast food. Two burgers, large fries, and two sodas. She tossed one bag to Rainbow Dash. "Don't ever ask me to cook again, and I'll feed you all the fast food you want."

Rainbow Dash nodded. "Deal."

Twilight began digging in. She loved eating Mgronalds, but she'd never admit to it. Of course she hated to eat in public, it seemed like ponies always stared at her, even before she became an alicorn, she was stared at, and now it was just worse. At least in the comfort of her own home she could eat as much as she liked without having to worry about leering eyes. Well she wouldn't have to worry if Rainbow Dash hadn't been staring at her. Rainbow Dash also scooted a couple more feet away from her.

Twilight spoke with a mouth full of food. "Whabs Wronf?"

Rainbow Dash swallowed the fry she was eating. "Twilight, you eat like an actual pig. Like, dang filly, we need to give you a muzzle."

Twilight glared at her. "Shut up, I do not."

Now more self conscious about her eating habits, she ate a lot more slowly. Of course Rainbow Dash continued to stare and eat slowly. Well this was humiliating. Maybe getting married to her friends was a mistake, friends could be a little too honest sometimes. It wasn't her fault the food was so good, she just wanted to cram it all down her throat at once.

Pinkie Pie and Applejack came down the stairs. The duo walked past the sleeping pile of ponies and toward Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Applejack looked at the burnt food, and then the Mgronalds meals. "Let me guess, Twilight tried cooking?"

Pinkie was already eating one of the plates of abandoned burnt food, and not hesitating for a moment. Much to everypony's surprise, she seemed happy with the meal of horror. Trying to ignore the fact that Pinkie was going to have to process that food later, Rainbow Dash seemed to answer Applejack, "Nope, we both tried cooking."

Applejack rolled her eyes. "In the future, just ask me or Pinkie to cook. Don’t want you two burning down the house or making Pinkie sick."

Twilight huffed. "I am not making Pinkie sick, she's going to make herself sick."

Pinkie Pie chimed in. "It's good, reminds me of when we used to eat salted charcoal on the rock farm."

Everypony stared at Pinkie in silent horror for a good long moment. At least until the actual act of watching her eat the burnt food became too much to look at and they looked away. It seemed they all came to the same conclusion at once, don't ever ask Pinkie about her family's cooking. Ever. 

Meeting Maud had been awkward enough, and it was just a chance encounter in Canterlot after the wedding. If the rest of Pinkie's family was just as unique... oh goddess, Twilight just realized she was related to Maud Pie and the other ponies on the rock farm. This was going to be a nightmare for family relations. Not to mention, Fluttershy's folks must be super hippy dippy ponies, tripping on pony acid or whatever it was that ponies of their ilk did. Or what about Rainbow Blaze, and his wife? 

Twilight murmured to herself, "This marriage wasn't thought out in even the slightest, was it?"

Rainbow Dash replied. "Just now figuring this out?"

Twilight glared at her and licked her lips clean of ketchup and mayo. "What do you mean?"

Rainbow Dash jabbed a hoof over behind her shoulder at the sleeping form of Celestia. "We have 'please molest me mommy' laying in bed, we're all best friends, some of us might be related, and to top it all off, I'm pretty sure half of us do drugs."

Applejack cleared her throat. "Ya sure it's only half?"

Rainbow Dash ignored her. "Look, there's just going to be some weird stuff happening soon. That's all I'm trying to say."

Twilight nodded. "At least we can all be weird together though right?"

Applejack tilted her hat forward. "Exactly."

Pinkie finished with both plates of their burnt bastard’s children of a meal, and had gone on to steal Rainbow Dash's burger. "Mmm, I think it's going to be fun. We get to not only be bestest friends, we get to all be one big happy family, and to be filled with love. I mean, the whole reason I didn't try dating any of you until now was because the idea of just dating one of you was too sad when I love you all so much!"

Twilight's heart melted at the sentiment. "Pinkie... I love you too."

Rainbow Dash nodded. "So do I- HEY, that's my burger! Give it back you donkey!"

Pinkie jumped up and ran away as fast as her legs could carry her. "NEVER!"

Rainbow Dash got up, flapped her wings once and took off after Pinkie. Despite how fast Rainbow Dash was, Twilight knew that Pinkie was always faster. So she expected Rainbow Dash to be worn out in a matter of minutes. Still it was nice to see them being lively again. She looked over at Applejack. "Sorry about the mess. I tried to ask you for food, but Rainbow Dash insisted I try cooking."

Applejack shook her head slowly. "Ah guess it's fair, Ah can't always be there to cook fer ya, but Ah'll teach you how to make something fer yerself when Ah can't be."

"Thank you."

Applejack leaned forward and kissed Twilight on the cheek. "No problem, sugarcube. Now if'n you'll excuse me, Ah'm gonna join the pony pile. Care to join us?"

Twilight looked over at the sleeping ponies. "You know what, sure, why not?"


***


Rainbow Dash had chased Pinkie around the entire first floor. Through bookshelves, under tables, around pillars, and over furniture. Finally she chased Pinkie outside, and then around the building itself a good few times. She was determined to give Pinkie a piece of her mind. She wasn’t sure what, as the burger was long gone by now, but she was still going to give it to Pinkie. Perhaps a good noogie and Pinkie wouldn't do that again. 

When Pinkie turned sideways and ran up the entire length of the wall to the rooftop, even Rainbow Dash had to pause. She decided very quickly it was best to ignore the laws of physics as she was no lawyer, and to just keep chasing. She found Pinkie running back inside to the third floor. Rainbow cashed her there and then found Pinkie going to the bird cages. The chase through there included going up and down the obstacle courses, through a few hoops and then even doing a loop de loop at some point. Finally she got Pinkie out of there and into the gardens proper.

Rainbow Dash did take a moment to pause and admire the various gardens of mushrooms and sillyweed. She’d come back here later, probably with Pinkie herself. For now she chased Pinkie back down the stairs and onto the second floor. She watched as Pinkie cheated. Pinkie Pie climbed into the pile of sleeping ponies and cuddled up to them before closing her eyes as if trying to sleep.

Well two ponies could play at that game. Rainbow Dash flew over, landed on the bed, and snuggled up right next to Pinkie. She was going to be right here when Pinkie Pie woke up. All she had to do was cuddle her until they were done. It didn't matter how much Rainbow Dash yawned. She wasn't going to go to sleep. She was just going to close her eyes for a minute. Just one minute. One minute of perfect, fluffy, warm bodies and bliss. She'd get Pinkie back or whatever after she opened her eyes again...

And just like that, Rainbow Dash fell asleep in the pony pile.