“Has anyone ever told you guys that you smell like horses?” Archard asked. “Especially with all that running around. You all smell like sweaty horses. Which, although expected, is a bit weird.”
“Yeah, well, you smell like a gross monster,” Twilight countered, “so it’s not like you’re much better. Plus, I take pride in my appearance. I may not have the eye for fashion like some of my friends, but I do know that showering and taking care of your body is good for your health, and good health keeps your mind sharp.”
“Yeah, well, I’m gonna have to trust you on that because you smell not the greatest to me. Also, I shower every day and brush my teeth and I have an IQ of, like, twenty-six, so I’m not so sure that’s true.”
“Ah can’t see how it would be higher since ya hate apples so much,” AJ mumbled grumpily.
“Huh, I would've guessed your IQ was more in the ninety-sevenish range.” Pinkie Pie responded. “I bet eating more cake and pies would help boost brain power! It sure helps me!” With that statement, she took out a large cake from behind her back and downed it in one bite, surprising the human.
“You know, I didn’t think you were actually able to do things like that in real life,” he told the mare. “Are you a witch?”
“Nope, but that sounds like it would be pretty fun! I could have a black hat and everything! Oh, but Mrs. Cake sometimes tells me that a sugar demon and she doesn’t know how she puts up with me and that if I don’t stop being so loud while her foals are sleeping she’s gonna beat my-”
“Aaaaaand that’s enough of that, Pinkie Pie, thank you,” Twilight interrupted before she could finish. “Anyway, here we are at the library, so let’s get you back down to the basement so we can do some tests and-”
“No, Twilight, we’re not doing tests on him,” Fluttershy told her. “If he doesn’t want tests done on him, we can’t do them. He deserves respect just like everypony else.”
“Come on! He’s a dangerous creature, and we can’t even run tests on it?” Twilight complained.
“I haven’t seen him do anything dangerous at all, Twilight. Maybe if he starts to do something dangerous, it would be okay, but all I see is a lovely creature having a happy day.”
“You say that about every creature,” Twilight mumbled, rolling her eyes as she realized he had no way to argue against her. “What do you suggest we do then, since we basically can’t do anything?”
“Well I say we start by getting to know him better,” the mare suggested. “I’m sure he’ll let us know whatever we want, right Archard?”
“Absolutely positively!” he confirmed. “Isn’t that what we were doing at first anyway until you put your farty hooves all over me and tied me up?”
“Well… how do we know he’s not lying?” Twilight asked, upset that she wasn’t going to be able to run any more tests. “We can get all the correct information we need if you let me finish my physical examination of him!”
“Yeah, physical examination,” he said. “Do you mean like when you were trying to pull down my pants and expose me in front of everyone?”
“I- that wasn’t what was happening and you know it!” Twilight blushed furiously. “Whatever! I have enough to analyze anyway, but don’t think for a second we won’t stop you if you try to do something crazy!”
“I do crazy things all the time, like putting ketchup on my scrambled eggs or wearing mismatched socks or listening to “Baby” by Justin Bieber unironically, but I’m gonna assume you mean blowing up the city or something by ‘crazy’.”
“Lets just go inside and do this interview and hope he doesn’t lie to us.”
“I don’t think I’ve lied once, except to you when I said I was going to the Everfree Forest, but you started that.”
“Also, Twilight, my research says that humans are typically terrible liars. I think we’d be able to tell if he were.”
“We didn’t know that he was- whatever. Never mind. Let’s just go inside and talk to him before I have a brain aneurysm because of him.”
“Just like the Nirvana song!”
With that, group started inside the library. However, before they could close the door behind them, a group of several ponies ran up to them, bumping into them and causing all of them to tumble onto the ground.
“Ow! What do you guys think you're doing?” Twilight asked frustratedly as she rubbed her nose that hit the floor.
“Oh! Sorry! We were just wondering about that creature…” a stallion started as he stood up and shook himself off. “But um... did you just fart?” he asked, sniffing the air.
“Do you not see my whoopie cushion hooves?” Twilight asked grumpily as she sat on her haunches. “Obviously, I didn’t fart.”
“What she means to say is, what brought all of you out here and running into us?” Lyra started.
“Well, we just heard from Blaze who heard from Night Wing who heard from Sparky and Mercure that there was a creature who could grant wishes, and we… wanted to see… if our wishes…”
He trailed off as the human stood up, the group taking a step back at the creature’s height. It was something that Twilight and her friends had already gotten used to, but he stood almost twice as tall as the ponies around him and it intimidated them.
Archard took a step forward to the stallion and said flatly, “You are absolutely adorable. Also, I don’t know if I can grant wishes, but I’ve done three so far, so I can try for you, too if you want.”
“No he can’t!” Twilight and Lyra said at the same time, the former quickly running in front of him to block him from the group. “He can’t grant your wishes! Don’t ask him!”
“Yes I can!” the creature argued, now firmly believing that he could. “I mean, it turned out pretty awfully twice out of three times, but one of those times wasn’t even my fault I think, so… we’ll go with a fifty-fifty success rate? Or maybe a sixty two and a half percent chance of success or something? I’d say those are pretty good odds for wish granting.”
“No, those aren’t good odds!” Twilight told him, turning around to face him. “I know what you’re gonna do! You’re trying to trick them!”
“I am doing no such thing,” the human responded. “I haven’t tricked anypony, except for you, but you deserved it.”
“You literally just said-” Twilight started before one of the members of the group interrupted.
“I wish to be immortal!” he wished hurriedly. “Ha! No take backs!”
"What? I wish he wasn't immortal!" the second one said quickly.
"Why? Why did you do that?" the first one asked angrily.
“I wish for a sandwich!” somepony else said happily.
“I wish for one, too, but with no pickles, please.”
Twilight turned around to glare at all four of them before looking over her shoulder to tell him, “Don’t you even think about- where did he go?”
“I’m gonna go make some sandwiches,” he called, already in the kitchen and looking through her fridge and freezer for food.
“Don’t just- stay near me!” Twilight demanded as she farted after him. “Don’t you go out there and grant their wishes after you just said it could go horribly! You can’t do that! Also stop rummaging through my food!”
“Wow, there are a lot of hamburgers in here,” the human noted as her fridge. “Like, an unreasonably unhealthy amount. Also, if I didn’t that would be lying, and I can’t lie, because lying is bad, except for that one time I did it when you deserved it, and when I told my coworker Carissa that she’s pretty when I actually think she’s very, very ugly. But the latter is just being polite, so that doesn’t count. But uh, yeah. I’m gonna grant their wishes.”
“Do you really not care about how your actions affect other ponies… err, creatures?” the mare asked. “You just said that there’s a chance that-”
“Oh, I’m sure nothing bad will happen,” he assured her as he got out peanut butter, cheese, and pickles from her fridge. “Well, they might not like the sandwiches I’m making for them, but other than that- do you have any hot sauce? Anyway, it’s not like any of this is real.” As he said it, he found what he was looking for and quickly started assembling three sandwiches with them, one without pickles.
“What? What are you talking about?” the mares asked. “And stop that right now!” she demanded again, trying to float the food over to her but unable to because of the human’s hold on them.
“Well, I mean, I guess this is technically real, but it’s not like the consequences of my actions actually matter… anyway, let me go get them their sandwiches.”
“Wait, no! Your actions do matter! You can’t just-”
He ignored her as he went back to the group, giving the two who wished for sandwiches their respective meals. However, they turned up their noses at the sight and smell of them, frowning at the human.
“Are those- is that peanut butter and hot sauce?” one of them asked, looking at them in disgust.
“With no pickles, just like you asked for!” Archard smiled. "If you don’t take it, I’m gonna set it on the ground in front of you, so take it, because eating food off the ground is how you get germs.”
“I don’t want that! That’s not what I wished for!”
“Yes it is,” the human said, completely unfazed by the pony’s reaction. “You said a sandwich with no pickles, and this is indeed a sandwich with no pickles.”
“Yeah, but… you knew what I meant! I don’t want that!”
“Well, I mean, if you don’t want it, I’ll eat it. What about you, random other stallion?”
“Um, no, I don’t want that at all. That looks disgusting.”
“Well, then I’ll take them both, but let it be known that I granted both of your wishes, even if you didn’t like what the result was.”
“Oh! Oh! Me and Snowy Bumblebees will take one! Peanut butter and hot sauce with cheese and pickles is my favorite!”
“Hehe, you’re adorable, of course you can have them, but I’m keeping the third one for myself.”
“Wait, what about my wish?” the final stallion asked, looking at him expectantly. “I wanna be immortal!”
“Well, I like to think that everyone and every pony has a soul that lives on forever, and really, if we don’t, you can be immortalized through the actions you do and the friends you make, so… I feel like that would largely be the same thing honestly. Plus your friend already said he wishes you weren't immortal.”
“Humph,” the stallion grumbled, scratching a hoof against the ground. “You’re a cheat.”
“Cheating’s the name of the game,” the human responded, “especially when the wishes I gave you are free. Last chance for sandwiches? You two want them? No? Okay, then, Snowy, Pinkie and I will eat them.”
“Yeah, let’s get you interviewed now,” Twilight decided, using her magic to push the group of ponies that weren’t with her out as Archard fed Pinkie Pie and her pet manticore sandwiches. “I have to ask you about that little comment you made.”