//------------------------------// // Big Brain Bargins // Story: Books, Bats, and Bad Mojo // by Yuri Petrovitch //------------------------------// Desmond was dying of boredom. It was a terminal case of the "Outta shit to do". Once upon a time the television in the ceiling corner had kept him entertained, but with how tepid daytime cable here in Ponyworld was it became too much to keep it on. There was only so many baking shows and news stories about recent "Friendship" schools opening up across the country he could take before it got plain annoying to watch... He hated to admit it, but the bloat of positivity and good news stories made the young man miss the News from his world. A story about some unfortunate tragedy in the world or the political unrest at least kept you hooked, like watching a car crash in slow motion. The only redeeming show was one about the local celebrity gossip. Despite it mostly being average gab, with most of it being tame stuff your run of the mill Human would go through on a day to day basis, it gave an insight into what these ponies thought and how they acted at least. Currently there was a special on who's secretly dating who within the Royalty. Huh... So this country is run by a monarchy, or least a constitutional one maybe. "You'll hear it first from us at Canterlot Celebrities Tonight! We bring you all the hottest takes and the most juicy mistakes!" The TV played the signature catchy jingle as it went through the show's intro. A dashing long haired stallion in a gold sequin suit sat behind a news counter, he gave a wink and a wave to the camera as it zoomed in on him. "Hello everypony and everybody! This is Ziggy Starburst! Bringing you the latest from Canterlot Stardom!" Desmond laid back in his bed listening casually to rumors of some Prince and Princess of another empire going through a rough patch in their relationship after one of them had been caught red hoofed fraternizing with an enemy of the state, and in a rather steamy way too. Looking at a picture of the ex-Bug Queen in question Desmond briefly wondered what other species of pony existed in the world, if there were bug horses out there stealing some self proclaimed 'Princess of Love's husband. Seeing that picture I could guess why he did it; that sultry glance the Queen gave in the mugshot reeks of whips and leather. "Trust me, it's actually quite the opposite really," an eerily familiar voice spoke up from the speakers... No... It couldn't be... Desmond scrunched his face into a shocked grimace as 'Discord' appeared on screen, his body more twisted and creepy in this world with random body parts sewn on like Frankenstein's reject bin came to life. "Chryssy is hardly as kinky in the bedroom as Cadence, poor Shining is probably just exhausted from all that emotional torture." Ziggy leaned forwards with his eyebrow raised, "Really now? The Royal Bedchambers are hardly open to the public, how does one such as yourself learn such 'habits' behind those closed doors?" Discord gave a chortle as he turned to the camera to give an over exaggerated wink that would make a baby cry, "Oh, let's just say their room is bugged in more ways than one!" The television went black as a hoof slammed into the remote, even though Desmond merely wanted to change the channel to anything else but that the result was still thankfully the same. Discord disappeared and the world was bereft of his horrid puns. "Aww, it was just getting to the good part toooo!" An unavoidably recognizable voice cried out to Desmond's left. Oh shit. The creak of Desmond's spine was as audible as a rusty door hinge as he slowly craned his neck to view the mad interloper. Desmond stared wide eyed at the somewhat familiar and yet alien abomination before him. Laying back lazily in the room's other hospital bed was none other than the trickster himself. He wore a red velvet bath robe over top of his gangly serpentine figure, one of his bird clawed hands rummaged around in a bucket of popcorn before popping a fist full of buttery junk into his disfigured equine head. The stallion gawked at the monster, his jaw flapping uselessly as it couldn't decide if it should scream in terror or bombard the chaotic bastard with a million angry questions swarming in his mind. Eventually Discord took pity on Desmond and spoke first. "Oh it's been awhile hasn't it! So good to see such a fine young man like yourself making so many new friends!" "Y-you!" The trembling jaw managed to croak out a word. "Yes, me?" Discord innocently asked batting his eyelids, which seemed to become quite long all of a sudden. "YOU! YOU!!" An anger unlike any other Desmond had ever felt surged through his new body, the searing heat of his emotions coming from inside his chest and branching out through every limb. His body shook as the adrenaline and blood pressure soared. Snarling Desmond shot a hoof straight at the creature of Chaos, pointing his new stubby equine limb at Discord but never actually reaching him. The beds were too far apart. "You devil! You caused all of this horse shit! You turned me into a four legged bug eyed girl's toy! You caused me to be locked up here to be treated like I'M the one insane! If I still had my hands I would coke you, you demon!" For a few seconds after that tirade there was only the sound of heavy panting as Desmond caught his breath. His tan fur on his face was flushed beet red as he stared murder into an unexpectedly stunned Discord. Normally ponies never lost their temper quite like this so suddenly, sure they were emotional creatures more so than any other on the planet but they never turned to immediate rage, it left Discord on his back hoof so to say. Perhaps that was the human still left inside of the young unicorn, or some other mental affliction. "Correction!" Discord suddenly snapped his fingers and in a flash his robe was gone to be replaced with a white toga with a wig of long golden locks tied back in a pony tail, on top of his head sat a laurel and in his lion's paw he held a golden apple. "I am no such blasphemous being! I am purely a god of Chaotic Causality! I generate the dice that the Universe uses to roll your stats. I'm neither strictly Good or Evil, merely the arbitrator of random events." Desmond wasn't having any of it however, throwing off his bed sheets he made to advance on the otherworldly being... Only he forgot he was still a miniature horse and couldn't use his legs well enough to jump from a bed let alone fight. The pile of pony limbs crumbled onto the floor with a squawk. Dusting himself off as best he could Desmond sat back up, from where he was at the side of his bed the stallion had to look up even more to glare at his enemy. "Fuck you! Don't give me that 'impartial' crap, you still gave me that damn business card!" Desmond spat, furrowing his eyes until they nearly became slits, only the sliver of shining emerald passing through. "If you hadn't shown up I wouldn't even be here looking and acting pathetic... Now I have nothing, not even my humanity." The khaki furred unicorn slumped somewhat as he spoke aloud what seemed to be hurting him the most. He maintained the fire in his glare, but Desmond's voice became deathly even as he spoke next. "It's all your fault." The Draconiquus didn't very much appreciate being talked back to, or even yelled at, but he was used to that already. No, what really got his goat's beard was that one of the few creatures he'd ever tried to help, aside from Fluttershy and Twibunkle, had slapped it all back in his face. The nerve! "No no no! This will not DO!" Discord sneered back, crossing his miss matching limbs. "You've got it all wrong! I pushed you out of the burning airplane, it's your job to pull the parachute cord! You shouldn't snap at someone whose given you a new lease on life! I've given you the once in a bajillion trillion quadrillion chance to explore a new world full of love and... eugh, 'Friendship'. Can you even realize how much of an opportunity this is?! The nerve!" Discord harrumphed and turned his head away. "That doesn't even make sense! How is taking me away from the life I had and throwing me unprepared 'helping'? If I had been tossed anywhere away from civilization I would have likely died of dehydration before I learned to walk straight! Your plan to help isn't at all sane, you never even ran this by me to make sure it made sense!" Discord facepawed and dragged his rubbery face down. "That's because it's not supposed to! I'm the god of Chaos! Not Clarification! If you wanted all the answers then I'm sorry to say but I am no cheat sheet!" "Well, you seem more like the god of Dumbasses to me." Desmond flicked his ears in annoyance, another display of pony emotion he was learning. Probably sensing that this was going nowhere with each other butting heads Discord had finally had enough, a drawn out joke stops being funny if you need to constantly explain the details. But, I also hate spoilers... What to do? What to do? Suddenly an epiphany came and struck Discord, with a wooden mallet to be precise, the lightbulb wielding the hammer had walked up the side of his head with tiny wire legs. The gong sound as the instrument stuck between his horns echoed through the room. Reaching up with both hands Discord clasped each side of his noggin to steady the vibrations. "Okay... How about this, we make a deal." Desmond already didn't like the sound of this, "...What kind of deal?" "One where I help move this plot along, that's what kind." With a snap of his fingers Desmond was back in his bed with his sheets neatly tucked in, but before he could protest the sudden movement Discord placed a giant lion's paw over his mouth to shush him, "You want your old life back, and for some semblance of 'control' over your life right?" With the paw in place there wasn't much more Desmond could do but nod, though his narrowed eyes never stopped boring into the Draconiquus. "I propose a compromise, as such a benevolent being that I am, I am willing to aide you by giving you a special access portal back to your dreary little world." Discord burped up a roll of parchment, unfurling it showed a door that opened up to what looked like a world that wasn't full of pastels and mythical beasts but concrete and cars. "All I ask in exchange is for you to apply for a job here in Equestria. You go back to Biblious's bookstore, you work there for about a year tops, and prance around with all the colourful joyful ponies. You work here, you live over there, simple enough for even a child to follow." Desmond was actually taken slightly aback by the sudden proposal, it seemed like a decent offer this time, though nothing was ever simple around Discord it seems... "And what if I don't? What if I just go through that door and never return?" Discord laughed, and Desmond did not like the way it sounded, "Well... Hard to say what happens when you break a deal with a God of Chaos, but it's never good, usually fatal even. Wouldn't want to end up a toad next time or have a piano dropped on you, either way would be... messy." The former Human turned pony gulped as his throat suddenly felt very dry at that moment. Taking a few seconds to mull over the pros and cons of accepting the new offer Desmond found that he had little choice but to accept the deal. If he wanted to get back to the 'Real' world and have any chance of having a life he'd need to agree to Discord's terms. However... Even though it seemed simple enough, just working part of the time here in Ponyland for about a year, simple things with Discord always had a catch it seemed... "A-alright... You've got a deal." Desmond reluctantly reached out a hoof to which Discord shook with his mighty talons gleefully. "Haha! Splendid! I knew you would see things my way eventually my dear Des! Things'll turn out for the better for the both of us! Just you wait!" ...There was definitely something up with this creep, it was just a matter of finding out what sort of new Hell he had just unwittingly agreed to. "Oh! I almost forgot!" Discord exclaimed in glee, "There's one more boon I wish to provide!" From nowhere and everywhere jazz started to playall of a sudden. "What?" Discord jumped into the air and clacked his hoof and dragon foot together, a magical fairy wand and top hat materialized out of thin air to which the mad being grabbed it and made a little jig while twirling said wand as if it was a baton. "Oh really I shouldn't, nay I couldn't! But really, I must confide! My plans for you and me are one and the same on this one wild ride! There is so much to do, so much to see, in this glorious fantasy! Oh sit back, relax and take it all in all this wonderful ecstasy!" With that Discord swung the little wand around and bopped Desmond on the head, a miniture cloud of golden glowing dust flew off the end of which and circled the bewilderd pony's head. The dust went into Desmond's nose and mouth, causing the red maned unicorn to cough gag. "WHAT THE FU-*hack*CK DID YOU JUST GIVE ME!?!" "Your mind may be small for now, in time it'll grow! So take this gift, from me to you and before you know it that horn will glow! So take this chance, and learn to dance! Before you know it you'll be a star! Take this leap of faith and together we'll find out what you really are!" Discord grabbed the still wheezing Desmond's hooves and hoisted him into the air, he twirled the dazed and confused patient around in circles. "Opertunity awaits only for those who've tried! Curse your luck, call yourself a smuck, or you can look on the bright side! Nothing's impossible, improbable, or imprudant with me as your guide! Just call me your Deus Ex-Machina Fairy Godfather, on this road with you in stride!" At the end of the music there was a bright flash, with a jolt Desmond found himself back in his bed, dazed, confused, and wanting to throw up. A thunder of hooves from down the hall brought a small army of hospital staff. All that shouting seemed to have sounded the alarm somewhere. At the head of the herd was Nurse Tulip, who despite her best efforts to keep a hard glare on her face went slightly bug eyed at the sight of Equestria's most notorious trickster. Her eyes flicked between the god and Desmond sitting in his bed, "What the hay is going on in here?!" And with that Desmond passed out. "So... Let me get this straight," Tulip rubbed a hoof to her temple, clearly repressing a growing headache. "A God of Chaos who's pals with every Royalty and Heroes of Equestria, just so happened to come across some random stallion, gives him directions to a book shop ran by an 'old acquaintance' of his, and due to said store's poor safety regarding stacking of their merchandise caused all of this to just... Happen?" "Yes." There were no words to describe how done Tulip was. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and exhaled in a drawn out sigh. When she opened her eyes the look she gave both Discord and the ponies present shivers down their collective spines. If Discord hadn't known better he'd hazard to guess the pink little Earth pony was using some sort of pseudo 'Stare'. "Discord, I will ask you politely to leave and come back while it is visiting hours," Tulip's voice was icy as she marched up to the Draconiquus. "You are causing a disturbance and upsetting my patients. So leave. Now." "Well, I'll have you know I've been keeping myself on the up and up! Wouldn't want dear Fluttershy to be upset, now would I?" Discord tisked as he shook his head, "Such prejudices! Just because I am a God of Chaos and nearly caused the destruction of Equestria a few times doesn't mean I have no 'Good' in me! You should maybe think about talking to HR, they have sensitivity training for that sort of biases." Tulip glared up at the smug god, her jaw opening up for her to say something she was sure to regret. Before she could put her career in danger one of the doctors that had come along stepped forwards. "H-hello, I-I'm Doctor Greenline. I was just curious, but what are you really doing here then? And what was all that racket we heard?" Discord looked down at the lime green middle aged stallion, he gave a bored looking shrug in response. "I was merely helping out a dear friend of mine. Celestia knows a spot of my magic does magnitudes more than what your 'modern pony science' can do. I merely fixed him up." "I-I wha- I beg your pardon?" The doctor stumbled on his words as he gave an affronted look. "I said I fixed up up. Brand spanking new! Straight outta the box! Smelling like cheap plastic and sweatshops in the East!" Discord rolled his eyes as he rattled off expressions. "Don't believe Ol' Discord? Take a scan or two and you'll find not even a hairline fracture on his little bone head." Another unicorn nurse who had skipped around the argument was at Desmond's side, she had just finished up her own magic scan. "He... He's right... It's as if there no sign of previous trauma or scarring along the hairline. The patient is healed?" "See? You ponies really need to start trusting in some of the old ways, back in the good old days of magic ponies would have seen ACTUAL Unicorn physicians, though I'd hazard a guess you'd label them as "Witch Doctors"! Humph!" Doctor Greenline wiped his brow as he felt the heat start to rise under his collar, "W-well, all in all I'm glad you could help treat our patient. Now... if that would be all-" A snap of his fingers and Discord reappeared muzzle to muzzle with the doctor, his red and yellow tinged eyes staring point blank into the terrified blue. Separated only by a pair of glasses. "Since you agree that my friend here is all healed up, there should be no issue with getting him back home... Right?" "I-I uhmm, well..." The doctor stumbled his words as his eyes darted to anywhere but the yellow eyes boring into him. "I guess I-I c-could give a conditional discharge. Desmond has shown multiple signs of lingering head trauma, such as amnesia, loss of mobility, and a complete disconnect from his magic. He'll need to return twice a week for evaluation and therapy by our specialists." Discord eyed the trembling physician up like a hawk to a caterpillar, before he opened his mouth to a wide Cheshire grin. "That sounds like a wonderful arrangement Doctor Flatline! I'm glad you could see reason to this!" Said the god of all things unreasonable.