//------------------------------// // Baffling Breakdances // Story: Books, Bats, and Bad Mojo // by Yuri Petrovitch //------------------------------// The taste of floor polish was now fairly familiar to Desmond; it was tangy like citrus cleaner with a hint of gritty dirt brought in from all the hooves that had trotted over the surface before... How a hospital ran by four legged creatures kept sterile was a mystery to him. Or, maybe it was just magic again, that seemed to be catch-all for anything that didn't make sense in this world. With a grunt Desmond pulled his legs up underneath his barrel and pushed upwards. Shakily the stallion wobbled on all four of his blocky cream furred legs, before a high pitched voice spoke up behind him. "Whatcha doin?" The scream Desmond made was neither manly nor dignified, but seeing as he wasn't the former anymore and never the latter it was appropriate... Right? Regardless, the sudden shock turned Des's wobbly legs even more into jello, with a meaty thud roughly two hundred pounds of pony kissed tile once more. Yep, still tasted like dirt and orange soap. From behind the sound of a child laughing their head off only further embarrassed Desmond, he could feel his face heating up against the cool tiles. "Gee, didn't mean to scare the living daylights outta you Mister!" Peeling his face off the ground Des came face to face (or is it muzzle to muzzle?) with the new voice, which turned out to be a verdant green foal with a shock of straw yellow hair, a nub of a horn sticking out through the mess of cow licks. The child was sitting up in it's bed watching with an amused grin plastered on it's mug. "Well, my fault to begin with, should have seen this room was occupied first," Desmond sat back on his haunches, trying to dust himself off as much as he could with his fingerless appendages. "Hope you don't mind, was just trying to learn how to walk straight before dinner. Thought this room was empty." The younger pony's face became scrunched up in slight confusion, "You don't know how to walk?" "Weeeelll... Yes? And, also no. It's a long story." He reached out a hoof to offer a handshake, until he realized he didn't have hands anymore. "Name's Desmond Mallory, former Human and local bad luck factory, at your service!" The foal snorted as they began to laugh once more, "And I'm Lil Lamplight! I don't know what a 'hyuu-mane' is, but you sure seem to be right about the last one!" The foal wiped some tears away with a hoof, which at that point Desmond realized that the young pony only had it's right foreleg... The left one was just a stump covered in bandages. Lil noticed the attention to their missing limb and sheepishly pulled their sheets up to cover themselves. Desmond quickly snapped his head to anywhere but the bed Lamplight was laying in. "...S-sorry, didn't mean to stare." The foal shook it's head back and forth, "NO! N-no, don't be! I mean, I should get used to ponies staring at me from now on, gotta get used to living like a freak..." It was Desmond's turn to vigorously shake their head in refusal, "Nah, you're no..." He was about to say 'freak', but decided that steering the conversation away from that potential landmine. "Well, you've been through a tough time it seems, everybody can loose something dear to them at any time, happens to the best of us I suppose." Lamplight sniffed, "You suppose?" "I guess it's hard to explain, but in my own recent experience I've lost four of my limbs only to be replaced by these... Hooves..." Desmond made a wiggling motion with his new unfamiliar appendages, similar to one of those 'inflatable tube men' seen at used car dealers. The fact that at random times they seemed to loose all the bones inside them unnerved the young stallion somewhat. The action though seemed to get at least a chuckle out of the injured foal. "Ha! You should work for a used carriage dealer! You'll wiggle right in!" Huh, so some things are similar in this world. "Maybe it's my true calling in life," the former human chuckled and struck a pose with a hoof in the air "Desmond's Downtown Dealership! We don't give bad deals, only sick wheels!" Lil Lamplight burst out laughing at Des's theatrics, unfortunately it was too loud as a passing orderly stopped to check up on their patient. "Everything alright in here?" The stallion asked, quirking an eyebrow in suspicion at the other adult pony who was currently inside a child's room alone. Immediately realizing how this all looked Desmond fumbled for an excuse "Uuuuhh umm, I was just-" "-Just trying to cheer me up Mr.Tourniquet, he saw I was bored so he was just giving me an improv show!" Lil Lamp quickly covered. The larger stallion took a moment to stare straight into Desmond's eyes, the fact that he never even blinked for a solid half min as he judged him caused a twinge of actual fear in Des's mind. With the amount of muscle the orderly had twisting the lanky unicorn into a pretzel wasn't all that far fetched... "Okay, I think it's time to wrap up this performance for the night." Mr. Tourniquet moved into the room and next to where Desmond was sitting. "You can meet again for another 'show' in the morning, maybe with everypony else to watch along with. Wouldn't want anypony missing out, now would we?" Desmond gulped, "S-sure! I'd love to! ...A-also, would you mind helping me outta here? I seem to have lost all functions in my legs you see..." The ash coated Earth pony gave another silent stare before slowly nodding, without much effort the orderly picked Desmond up like a sack of pony potatoes and threw him over his withers. "See you in the morning Mr. Mallard!" Lil Lamplight waved their one good leg in goodbye. "It's Mallory! But yeah, you too Lil Lamplight!" "Come again?" Nurse Tulip's eye twitched as she listened to the orderly report him finding Desmond in another patient's room. "Well, aside from being incredibly nervous, patient Mallory didn't seem to do anything untoward Lil Lamplight." Tourniquet sipped at a mug of coffee as he filled out the report, "Apparently he just stumbled in there when he was 'taking these new legs for a test drive. He didn't believe it was occupied at the time, but Lil didn't seem to mind." Tulip internally groaned, she much prefer when her patients had been strapped down and immobile, made much less of a headache. "Oh don't make that face, Desmond and Lil seemed to get along fine." Tourniquet rolled his eyes at the grumpy expression the nurse made, "In fact, I'm actually a bit glad he crashed into their room. Gave the foal something to smile about for once." "Really?" Tulip was actually a bit surprised at that bit of news, "No damages to hospital equipment or black eyes involved?" "Nope." Tulip sighed and sat down in a chair across from Tourniquet at the break room table. Truth be told she didn't really know what to think about Desmond; he was a clearly loopy stallion who on his first day at VGH had made quite a mess, and since his admission was adamant that he was some sort of weird alien ape creature. It also didn't help that when the hospital had gone searching for his records nothing had come up; no insurance, no identification, no place of work or address, no record of his cutie mark, not even a birth certificate! No pony or creature could live as long as Desmond had without making at least some imprint on society, but all evidence (or rather the lack thereof) stated that 'Desmond Mallory' didn't exist! It was maddening! Tulip reached for a box of donuts, staring at the caramel glaze in her hoof with an intense expression, as if it was the unicorn instead. "I just don't know Tourn, how can I trust somepony that on paper doesn't exist to be around other vulnerable patients?" A moment of silence passed between them as the grey stallion contemplated the question, eventually he just shrugged. "I dunno Tulip, but my advice is to always trust your gut. It hasn't let me down yet, and it says that Desmond is harmless." To his credit Tourniquet was right, Tulip was second guessing herself too much to actually get to the root of the mystery. She needed to go with her instincts, and they told her she could find a clue at the scene of the original incident, where the pony called Desmond first came to be. "Thanks, that's actually kind of helpful." The mare then peered over the table to actually look at Tourniquet's stomach, "Though, your gut may be giving you some sage advice once in a while, I'd suggest giving it something more than donuts all the time." Grey fur turned bright red as the stallion covered his stomach with his hooves, "HEY! That's harassment! After I helped you out no less!" "Oh come on, lighten up, I'm only teasing" Tulip giggled as she stood up from the table, "Though, personally I don't mind a bit of softness to a stallion." With his fur nearly as pink as her's Tulip left the room to see about visiting a book store.