//------------------------------// // Chapter 11 // Story: Swapping Scales For Suave // by Jest //------------------------------// “I’m still kind of shocked that your parents even invited us for dinner,” Spike remarked as he peered into the mirror, a curling iron held aloft in his magic. “How long has it been since you’ve seen them again? Four, maybe five months?” Rarity sighed as she ran a steel comb across her scaled head. “Six months. It was one of the longest to date, though at least they’ve nearly completed their bucket list.” “Didn't they say that last time?” Spike retorted, wincing as he removed the iron and set it aside. “They did,” Rarity admitted. “Though I think they mean it this time. Sweetie Belle seemed quite certain that they would be staying in town for a few months at least.” “Let's hope so,” Spike muttered. “I’d hate to have to move the ceremony back because your parents decided to fly to Cancun for the third time.” Rarity sighed. “I would hate to have to choose between the wedding and them, though at this point I think I’d choose you.” Spike blinked, and looked from Rarity’s reflection to the dragon herself. “Woah, that's quite a change. Are you sure you don't have some unspoken issues with them?” Spike inquired. “You know very well how irritating their constant traveling was when I was younger. Why I was forced to practically raise Sweetie Belle by myself given how frequently they were out of town,” Rarity began, a frown crossing her face. “I suppose the news that they are here for good this time has riled up old emotions.” “No kidding. You’re positively fuming,” Spike stated. “I suppose I am getting a bit hot under the collar,” Rarity murmured, releasing a small puff of smoke. “It is times like these I need to remind myself that they were the ones who bankrolled my first shop, and believed in my dream.” “Does that really negate how absent they were and are?” Spike inquired. “Yes, totally,” Rarity muttered through gritted teeth. “Do you want to talk about it?” Spike offered. Rarity snorted twin rings of smoke into the bathroom mirror. “I have long since come to terms with their behavior. I just hope they don't cause any additional problems, is all.” “Well alright, but if you want to chat you know I’m here,” Spike replied. “Thank you darling,” Rarity whispered, planting a kiss on the unicorn’s cheek. Spike cleared his throat and unplugged the curler. “So is that everything then, are we ready?” “We just need to lock up and walk over there,” Rarity answered, the dragon awkwardly walking over to the door on two feet. “At least I think that's all.” Spike nodded. “It is- but wait a sec. Did Sweetie Belle mention whether or not she filled them in on everything?” “I think so,” Rarity answered. “She did say that she gave my parents the talk, though she was vague on the details.” “I’m sure she wouldn't miss something as important as us swapping bodies,” Spike remarked. “Quite right darling. Sweetie Belle may be a bit absent minded at times, but she is one of the smartest ponies I know,” Rarity declared. “I’m surprised they didn't renovate the entire house again like last time,” Spike remarked as he stared up at the house standing before him. Taller than most in town, the structure was away from the main bulk of town, allowing it to have a much more expansive yard then the vast majority of homes. Though at one point it had been surrounded on three sides by fields, the slow encroachment of civilization had welcomed the property into its embrace. Now small town houses and a few apartments stood sentinel around the high fence which encapsulated the Belle estate. The building itself had three stories, with a rounded tower-like structure on its north eastern half. A wrap-around porch extended around almost the entire building’s first floor, and though massive, only a few windows actually had lights in them. Most notable of which was the kitchen, living room and dining room which occupied the majority of the first floor. “I think they finally fell in love with a style they can live with,” Rarity remarked. “Do you think yer dad is finally using that wood shop?” Spike asked, pointing to a structure set apart from the main building. “I sure hope so. He's let it sit unused for years,” Rarity replied. “Well uh, are you ready to head inside or are we going to keep staring at it from the street?” Spike asked, kicking the heavy iron gate in emphasis. “Just one more minute. I think your testosterone is getting the better of me,” Rarity muttered. “Take a deep, long breath through your mouth, then exhale through your nose,” Spike offered. Rarity did as Spike instructed, filling the air with a pungent cloud of smog that lingered for several seconds before being carried away by the wind. “Thank you Spike,” Rarity whispered, glancing down to her partner. “Twilight always told me that males, and dragons in particular had much more intense feelings of aggression but I never really believed her. Well… until now anyway,” Spike remarked with a shrug. “I certainly have a better appreciation for those long ‘cool off’ walks you sometimes take before bed,” Rarity exclaimed, adding air quotes around cool and off. “Yeah well. Sometimes those feelings can get bottled up and you gotta let 'em out or something bad will happen,” Spike replied. “Quite right darling,” Rarity replied, extending a hand. “Shall we?” “We shall,” Spike answered, taking the offered limb with his hoof. “Is anyone home?” shouted Spike. The unicorn paused and rubbed his hooves against the matte welcoming them inside. There he paused, and looked around, sharing an odd look with Rarity who was busy ensuring she didn't track any mud inside. Once they were both certain that they werent about to make a mess, and had not received a response, they walked inside. “Odd,” Spike muttered. “Usually they pay more attention than this,” Rarity remarked. As one, the couple made their way from the entrance, into the living room, and after finding that space empty as well, moved to the kitchen. Where they found a bright pink mare humming loudly to herself as she moved about the area, a flurry of pans floating above her head. Stuffing, corn on the cob, and a half dozen other dishes were in the process of creation, their component parts laying sprawled across nearly every surface. “Hello?” Spike called tentatively. “Eep!” Shrieked the other mare, her towering pillar of purple hair quaking almost as much as her rather pudgy body did. Spinning around, the older unicorn seemed about to panic, only for her gaze to land on Spike and immediately soften. “Oh it's just you two. Sorry about that dear,” Cookie Crumbles remarked, a hoof placed over her heart. “It's no trouble at all. I hope you don't mind we let ourselves in,” Spike replied. “You sure are busy,” Rarity began, glancing over all the various ingredients laying all over the place. “Since when have you been a cook?” “Only a few months I’m afraid,” Cookie Crumbles answered, placing the various cookware down and wiping a hoof across her face. “That stallion of mine and I attended an absolutely wonderful seminar in the Neighterlands. Now I can't help but want to make everything myself!” “That’s commendable,” Spike muttered as he sniffed a half completed shepherd's pie. “Speaking of that old stallion, where is he anyway?” asked Rarity while glancing around the space. “Oh he should be in at any moment,” Cookie Crumbles answered, wiping her hooves on a dish rag. “He's finally put that shack of his to use and has been making me plenty of adorable little birds, among other things.” The couple looked around the room to find that there were nearly two dozen waterfowl hiding on top of nearly everything. Cupboards, the fridge, the wooden birds were everywhere, with one even sitting sentinel on the window sill, as if they were overlooking the yard beyond. “Creepy,” Spike muttered. “I think they are adorable,” Cookie Crumbles exclaimed, running a hoof down a rather large green mallard near the sink. “Would you look at that? They're here early for a change!” declared a boisterous masculine voice. Turning towards the back entrance, the couple watched as a tall, if slightly rounded unicorn stallion entered. His brown mane was carefully coiffed, and cut incredibly short, unlike his bushy moutstache and vulimous eyebrows. Fur which had at one point been as white as snow had darkened to a dirty grey, though his piercing teal eyes were as bright as ever. “What, and you didn't even bring dessert?” Hondo Flanks mockingly asked. “That seems a bit redundant given the spread already here,” Spike replied, gesturing to all the food arrayed around them. “Oh my, you sure have gone all out dear,” Hondo remarked, leaning over and planting a chaste kiss on his wife’s cheek. “It's not everyday our sweet little filly gets married,” Cookie Crumbles replied. Rarity stepped forward. “Speaking of which. Have you been filled in with our… situation?” “Oh yes. Sweetie Belle told us everything,” Hondo exclaimed. “She found the entire situation unusually funny, which I don't understand,” Cookie Crumbles muttered. “It's not everyday you get cursed,” Spike replied. “Oh come on. Getting married ain't that bad!” Hondo Flanks joked, the stallion laughing aloud at his attempt at humour. The older couple shared a hearty laugh, clasping one another around the shoulder. Spike and Rarity reluctantly joined as well, their embarrassment slowly dissipating as time passed. “On that note,” Hondo Flanks began, taking a step away from his partner. “I was hoping to get some help in the wood shed if you don't mind lending me your claws for a little bit.” “Absolutely,” Rarity quickly replied. “And would you mind assisting me with a few of the dishes? I could use an extra pair of hooves,” Cookie Crumbles inquired, turning to Spike. “Oh sure. Though I’m not much of a chef,” Spike replied. The older mare waved a hoof in the air. “Nonsense. I know you will prove an excellent sou chef.” “Well I am pretty good at making soup,” Spike muttered. Rarity rolled her eyes. “That's not what she meant.” Spike snorted as his partner leaned in and planted a kiss on his cheek. “I knew that,” he murmured to himself. “Sure you did,” Rarity whispered before walking off. “You guys have fun, and try not to forget about dinner out there!” Cookie Crumbles exclaimed as Rarity and her father walked away. “You don't have to worry about that. I doubt I could forget about your cooking!” Hondo shouted back. Spike grumbled to himself as he watched the two depart, turning to the mare after they were alone. “So what exactly did you need a hoof with?” Spike asked. “Oh not much actually,” Cookie Crumbles replied, opening the oven and placing a casserole inside. “I was actually hoping I could talk to you about something and after that assist me in a little baking. I was hoping to make a pan of buns for dinner.” “What did you want to speak to me about?” Spike asked, leaning against the fridge. “Well I was just wondering what your plans were for…” Cookie Crumbles muttered, suddenly apparing rather uncomfortable with the entire conversation that she herself brought up. “Kids.” “Well we can't have any of our own, so the question is rather moot,” Spike replied. “You could adopt!” Cookie Crumbles quickly replied, the mare adjusting several temperature settings before turning to the other unicorn. “I’m not so backwards as to think that adopted children are not ‘real’ kids. They could even be a dragon or another creature of some kind like a gryphon or whatever.” Spike sighed. “We aren't wholly convinced adopting is the right fit for us. We both want a child of our own flesh and blood. Plus Twilight has been working hard to make that possible.” “Are you sure she isn't wasting her time?” Cookie Crumbles asked, raising a defensive hoof up. “Not that I am saying she is dumb or anything. Far from it but there's a chance it's impossible you know.” “We know,” Spike muttered, an uncomfortable feeling worming its way into his chest. “But we are determined to keep trying for at least a little bit longer. Our biological clocks aren't exactly running out quite yet.” “Yes, but these are your prime years you know,” Cookie Crumbles replied, waving a sauce covered spoon at the former dragon. “If you have kids when you are old there is a chance they won't turn out quite right. Plus you still want to be young enough to keep up with them ya know.” “That's all well and good in concept, but the fact of the matter is that we simply aren't ready for that,” Spike answered. Cookie Crumbles sighed, placed her mixing spoon on the lip of the pot and walked over to the other pony. “I would urge you to reconsider. You are both incredibly responsible people, even if one of you is a little more responsible than the other.” “What is that supposed to mean?” Spike countered. Cookie Crumbles rolled her eyes. “We both know that your the one keeping that house of yours together. Why it's you who has the most responsibility on your plate what with your important job.” “I suppose it is rather prestigious,” Spike agreed. “Exactly, and think of how great of a childhood you could give to some lucky foal, or whatever else you might adopt,” Cookie Crumbles finished, raising her eyebrows hopefully. Spike shook his head. “We still aren't ready for that. Especially with the wedding coming up.” “You could do it after the wedding!” Cookie Crumbles offered. “It would be a great thing to look forward to and talk about while on your honeymoon.” “Maybe in a few years,” Spike conceded. “But don't you want to experience the joy of parenthood?” Cookie Crumbles shot back. “You could always… bring in a third? To help with well… you know.” “Bring in a…” Spike gagged. “No! We are not into that.” “It's a completely normal practice you know,” Cookie Crumbles began. “In fact the practice is common up north. It can also be quite...enthralling. Why just the other week when we were on our way to-” “I do not need to know that!” Spike shouted. “Don't knock it until you’ve tried it. Besides, it seems like a perfectly good way to fix your little… problem,” Cookie Crumbles muttered. Spike raised an eyebrow, the unicorn only now realizing just how intense the other pony’s gaze had become. Not only that but the older mare seemed incredibly tightly wound, so much so that her right eye twitched every few seconds. Spike wanted to offer some kind of retort against her offer to bring in a third party, but found himself changing topics at the last second. “Are you okay? You look a little… out of sorts,” Spike gently inquired. “I’m just trying to look out for you is all!” Cookie Crumbles asserted, her hoof squeezing Spike’s shoulder. “You aren't getting any younger, and if this is something you want then you should go for it sooner rather than later.” Spike brushed off the mare’s foreleg, before fixing her with a firm look. “No offence, but it seems like this is something you want,” Spike stated. Cookie Crumbles stumbled backwards as if struck. “Now why in Equestria would say that? I am just looking out for you, like I said.” “If you were just looking out for me then you would respect our decisions,” Spike retorted. “Now spill. Why is this such a big deal all of a sudden?” The older mare seemed ready to argue for several seconds, and even opened her mouth to respond, only to stop herself. She then sighed, and put out a hoof, steadying herself against the counter before finally looking back at Spike with a small smile. “I really want to be a grandmother,” Cookie Crumbles admitted. “And you two are my best chance at that!” “What about Sweetie Belle and her herd? They mentioned they wanted a large family,” Spike offered. Cookie Crumbles scoffed. “They are eager, but they are young. They need time to find themselves before having children. I should know.” “What do you mean?” Spike pressed. “As you already know we started having kids a little early,” Cookie Crumbles admitted, her gaze falling to the floor. “After a few years of parenthood Hondo and I realized that we werent ready to settle down yet.” “And that's why you dumped Sweetie Belle at the Boutique,” Spike remarked, forelegs crossed over his chest. “We never meant to do it for as long as we did. The plan was to go until the savings ran out but then our little travel column in the Canterlot weekly took off, and we won that limbo contest down in the Caribbean…” Cookie Crumbles sighed. “We got a bit… lost in being big shot writers and globe trotters.” Spike raised a hoof, cutting the mare off before she could continue. “This is all well and good, but I think Rarity would appreciate being present for this conversation.” Cookie Crumbles blinked. “What do you mean? You’re right here. Don't tell me you’re doing that talking in the third person thing again. I thought those classes we sent you to when you were ten fixed that issue right up,” Cookie Crumbles exclaimed. “What? I’m not Rarity. I’m Spike. Didn't Sweetie Belle explain?” Spike replied. Cookie Crumbles scoffed. “I think I know my own daughter.” Spike rolled his eyes. “I know that's what it looks like but we switched bodies.” “Don't you mean minds?” Cookie Crumbles interrupted. “Not you too!” Spike groaned. “Look, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that it this whole thing started when I went out looking for the perfect ring and-” Rarity whistled to herself as she strode into the wood shop, her gaze drifting over the many creations lying within. Though the vast majority of them were not of very high quality, or exceptionally unique, there were at least a lot of them. From more waterfowl to bowls, plates, and chairs, the shop had certainly seen its fair share of use over the last little while. “You certainly have become prolific since your trip,” Rarity remarked. “Its meditative,” Hondo Flanks replied, sitting down in front of a mchine. “I never really grasped just how important it is to sit down and really enjoy the moment until recently.” “That's a surprise, I thought you’d want to be busy,” Rarity pointed out. “The old me would have agreed with you, but things have changed,” Hondo Flanks retorted as he flicked a lever and activated the device, causing the bit of wood clamped at either end to begin spinning rapidly. “This particular change is rather late in my life, but you know what they say. Better late than never.” “Oh, and what do you mean by that?” Rarity inquired, plunking down on a seat next to the stallion. “I wasn't the best father around, as you probably already knew,” Hondo began, whittling the rough hunk of wood into a vaguely tubelike shape. “Cookie and I were a bit too focused on our travels ya see.” “What brought this realization on?” Rarity inquired. Hondo Flanks chuckled. “A lot of things. But what really pushed it all over the edge was meeting this old mare traveling alone in the Caribieghan.” Rarity settled in, watching closely as her father continued to work away at the wood while still speaking to her. “She was a rather rich, and well known globe trotter, one that we saw as a potential rival to our little column,” Hondo Flanks explained. “Anyway, there she was, taking in one of the most stunning veiws I had ever seen in my life and yet she didn't even smile.” “Not even a little bit?” Rarity pressed. “Not one teensy tiny bit,” Hondo Flanks exclaimed, jabbing a chisel at the dragon. “Yet when we read about her experience a few days she described it in such a way as to make it seem like the experience was trancendent as Cookie would say.” Hondo Flanks switched out his tools, removing more of the small bumps and other imperfections in the wood. Until it was an almost perfect tube, smooth on all sides save for the now flat ends on either side. “Ya see, she had lost the joy of traveling, yet she continued on out of what I can only assume is momentum,” Hondo Flanks continued. “Are you sure you’re not reading into that particular moment a bit too much?” Rarity questioned. “Some people just don't display emotion.” The stallion shook his head. “No, we were certain. If you could have seen her face there would be no doubt in your mind.” He then moved back to his newest peice, continuing to shave down its center. “After witnessing what had become of our quote unquote rival, Cookie and I couldn't help but think about our own future,” Hondo Flanks remarked, waving his chisel around. “And what we came to realize was that we hadn't been the best parents.” “You were always generous,” Rarity interrupted. “Oh we may have showered our daughters in gifts whenever we got the chance but you know what would have been an even better present?” Hondo Flanks asked. “What?” Rarity replied. “Us,” Hondo Flanks answered, opening his hooves. “Our presence at all those important moments in our kids' lives. Sure money, and things are good but that isn't enough to replace what a foal needs most, their parents.” Rarity sniffed silently as her father moved to work on whatever strange peice he was in the midst of creating. “We should have done better, and now were doing our best to change that,” Hondo Flanks exclaimed, stopping the device and retrieving the rather phallic object he had just brought into existence. “Which starts with our daughters, or in this case daughter.” “What do you mean?” Rarity inquired curiously. The male placed the oddly realistic penis statue on the table, then retrieved a small hatchet from a nearby drawer. “You see, Rarity is very special to us. Though I trust her choice in partners I can't help but worry about her,” Hondo exclaimed, placing the axe along the shaft of the wooden dick. “I would do anything to protect her, do you understand?” Rarity didn't even notice the oddly threatening manner of which her father had positioned the weapon over his penisy statue. She merely nodded eagerly, tears building at the edges of her eyes. Tears which she refused to shed until her father had said absolutely everything he intended on saying. “That's good, because I know how males can be rather rude, and aggressive. We can't help it though, it's in our nature,” Hondo Flanks continued, drawing back his hoof and delivering a firm chop with his hatchet. “We used to fight and protect our families against vicious monsters. Now the most violent thing in our lives are the radio plays Cookie seems to enjoy so much.” “All that pent up testosterone can be difficult to control sometimes,” Rarity reasoned. “Exactly!” Hondo Flanks exclaimed, jabbing the hatchet at his daughter. “We gotta contain it, grapple with it and ultimately deal with it in a productive manner.” “It can be hard though. Dragons have a strong urge to hoard, and take what's not theirs,” Rarity offered, hoping to help her father along to whatever conclusion he was attempting to draw. The stallion merely nodded in response, eying Rarity closely. “You can handle that though, right? You’re strong. Stronger than most, that's for sure.” “I am,” Rarity whispered, the tears returning with full force. “And I don't need to tell you what will happen if that changes,” Hondo Flanks drew back his hoof and delivered a powerful chop of the hatchet, cutting the tip of the wooden dick clean off. “Do I?” Rarity didn't even flinch at the strange display, her gaze never leaving her father’s tense, frowning face. “Oh of course not,” Rarity blubbered. “Good!” Hondo Flanks exclaimed, tossing the small weapon aside. “Because I don't know what I would do if someone hurt either of my little girls. Though I got a feeling one way or the other I’d be confined to a bed. Be it a hospital, or a prison.” “Oh Daddy dearest! I didn't know you cared!” Rarity shouted, leaping from her seat and throwing her arms around the male’s shoulders. “I mean sure that whole speach of yours was weirdly violent, but I can tell that your heart is in the right place.” “W-what?” Hondo Flanks stuttered, awkwardly pushing Rarity away. “Why are you hugging me? I'm trying to tell you I’ll chop your dick off if you hurt Rarity.” “Why would I hurt myself? I know I can get rather manic at times, but I’ve never even considered self harm before,” Rarity retorted. “Wait what? Are you saying that you are my daughter?” Hondo Flanks demanded, head cocked. “Yes, didn't Sweetie Belle explain? It's the rings, they are cursed and swapped our bodies,” Rarity explained, gesturing to the ring bound tight about her finger. Hondo Flanks opened his mouth, uttered a sound that was close to a word, stopped himself and then merely stood there in silence for several seconds. “That explains so much,” Hondo Flanks muttered. “So… what exactly happened?” Rarity sighed. “Well you see it all started when Spike decided to go to the wrong shop when searching for a ring. Then he ignored all the warning signs and-” Rarity and her father Hondo walked through the backdoor to find that their partners were standing there waiting for them. “Did you know-” two of them began. “Rarity and Spike are-” the other two interrupted. A moment of silence passed before Spike raised a hoof, silencing the others. “I think we are all on the same page now, right?” Spike asked. “I think so. You guys know that Spike and Rarity swapped bodies, right?” Hondo Flanks replied. Cookie Crumbles nodded. “We also had a very awkward conversation about grandchildren.” “It couldn't have been half as awkward as me threatening our daughter with genital mutilation,” Hondo Flanks muttered. “How about we all just pretend like we just got here, huh?” Rarity offered. “That sounds great,” Cookie Crumbles exclaimed. “So wonderful to see you mister and missus Belle. How have you been?” Spike greated with a smile. “Just peachy, we were about to break into the wine. Would you two like a very tall glass of some?” Hondo Flanks replied. “Yes!” both Rarity and Spike shouted.