So I’m an idiot. I mean, I already knew that, suspected that, but with every passing day I’m having it confirmed to me fairly consistently. Just a big clump of idiot. A big stack of moron. Something someone rolled across the floor to pick up hair and then got to walk around like it could think, just for a joke.
My efforts are not bearing fruit, in other words.
Am I surprised? No, on reflection I am not. I knew this was going to happen. I knew from the instant I started that this was exactly how it was going to go. I can barely fucking read the language, how was I going to get anything useful about fucking magic in, what, a month? Less?
How long have I been doing this? I lose track.
The point is I can’t make heads or tails of any of it. What I can even understand, I mean. If I understood more of it I’m sure I’d understand even less. Which is to say, if I was smart enough to be able to actually get more of what it was I was reading, I’d also be smart enough to realise that most of it is several feet further above my head than it feels it is right now.
Balls. It’s complicated stuff and I’m too dim and fucking illiterate to even be able to fully grasp just how complicated so I keep plugging away like I’ve got a hope in hell.
And of course, the more I keep at it the more that pressure builds in the back of my skull telling me to just pack it in and go crawling to Celestia or Twilight or Celestia and Twilight to ask them to maybe help me out a little bit. And I can’t do that! I can’t even hint at that!
Because if that happens there’s two ways it goes. Either it turns out it’s super-easy in which I feel even dumber, or it turns out to be super-hard in which case they get all hooves on deck to help me out and I don’t want them going through all that effort for me! No! Oh God the very thought!
Phew. Calm. I know this. It’s just been nibbling at me lately what with my constant, humiliating failure and constant, nagging fear that somewhere far away, back home, my father might have discovered my absence and might at this very moment be losing his mind with worry. Assuming we’re on a one-to-one timescale here. Assuming anything.
Maybe millions of years have passed and he’s dead. Maybe I’m dead. Maybe we’re all dead. Maybe none of this is even real, just the product of some fevered imagination. Maybe I’ll eat myself alive with doubt and uncertainty and just sit frozen forever in some sort of solipsistic fugue state.
Or not.
So there’s that.
Mean, on the plus side I’m getting a little better at reading, apparently. Certainly, Twilight seems happy enough with me and my (hilariously limited) progress. She’s very complimentary, makes me blush! Lovely girl, Twilight.
“John?”
I blink. Should probably pay attention to where I am and who I’m with, rather than just stare into space and fret.
I turn. There’s Celestia in bed, sitting beside me. God she’s gorgeous. God she’s wonderful.
“Hmm? Sorry? Did you say something, lovely?” I ask.
“What are you thinking about?”
Why does she always ask me that? Why does anyone ever ask anyone that?
Hmm.
Back home - home on earth, with the humans! What a strange thing to think about! - there were these moments, usually late in the evenings, usually during summer, when the skies would be clear without a cloud to be seen and the sun would be sinking and one edge of the sky would be lit up and yellow and all the rest just one shade of blue fading to another and everything would be quite quiet and clear and cool.
And in those moments I would sometimes just stop and stare, and even if the day had been terrible I would get to enjoy that moment, because that moment would be lovely. The world seemed alright, like a nice place to be, even if in my head I could come up with a host of reasons why it really wasn’t. I could list out awful things, but I’d be seeing this wonderful sight and I’d just feel better somehow.
That’s what looking at her is like, I find. Sometimes. A lot of time. It just gets me.
And that’s what I was thinking about, looking at her.
Not going to say that though, obviously. And I’m certainly not going to be saying what I was actually thinking about before! That would be insane! Both of those options are utterly unacceptable!
“Nothing,” I said instead, and she smirked at me, clearly having seen this answer coming.
These little dances we do…
“Something is bothering you,” she said. Less an observation more a statement of fact. No wiggle room on that statement, I could tell. Any wiggling would only make it tighter.
That sounds rude. But it’s also true.
And it’s not like I wasn’t going to try and wiggle anyway.
“Me? No, never. You know me, leaf on the wind. Nothing ever bothers me.”
That’d throw anyone off the scent. Or not, as Celestia’s smirk goes away and is replaced with a look of sincere (albeit low-grade) concern. Her wings spread and her forelegs part, creating what I now recognise by sight as a me-shaped space.
“Come here.”
I know that in theory I don’t have to, being possessed of free will and all, but in reality refusing really isn’t an option. By the time I even contemplate the possibility I’m already glued to her side and her legs and wings are already around me. Leaving is utterly unthinkable. Here is warmth, outside is nothing for me. There is literally nowhere else I’d rather be.
Maybe overselling it a bit but it is very, very nice. She even kissed the top of my head.
“You smell like sunshine after rain,” I say into her ribs, digging in so I can really be sure that’s what she smells like (it is). I am most certainly not doing this because I know she’s ticklish, that she starts squirming and laughing and trying to push me away is just a strange thing I did not foresee. Of course, I keep trying anyway, to confirm my confirmation.
She really does smell like sunshine after rain, at least right then. There’s a word for that, I think. Can’t remember it.
Eventually, once I’m definitely sure, I allow myself to be restrained from digging. Her grip around me gets that little bit more snug, and I am settled into an exceedingly comfortable position. I can hear her heartbeat. I am very close to falling asleep all of a sudden.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, John, big or small,” she says. She’s using her soft tones. She’s trying to lull me into a false sense of security! All of a sudden I am very not close to falling asleep.
I still want to, obviously, or at least my body does, but my mind knows better now.
“I can talk to anyone about anything,” I said, doing my best not to yawn.
What I’d said obviously made sense. Took Celestia a second to realise it, though.
“Technically true,” she said, slowly. “But you know what I mean.”
Christ, she’s got me dead to rights. I did know what she meant!
And because I knew what she meant, actively lying about it would twist my kidneys right out the back of my torso. So to speak. That probably wasn’t her intention but that’s the bind she’s put me in. I hate lying to her. Hell, I’m avoiding telling her certain things right now and I hate that, too! I want to be open! I’m just choosing not to. For reasons that make sense only in the quote-unquote ‘comfort’ of my head and which would wither instantly if aired outside it, I know.
Eurgh.
“It’s…” I start to say.
But no. Come on! We went over this. Inside! Keep it inside!
“Sorry. I’m sorry. Just feeling a bit out of sorts, that’s all. Bit wound up, heh. I don’t know.”
Good job. Also the worst job.
You know exactly why and lying about it is making it worse. You’re lying to her. She literally saved your life. Not even a tiny bit of a joke, she really did that. If it was not for her you would be dead. And if it wasn’t for her now you probably wouldn’t even care. And you’re lying to her.
Yes but think of the alternative! Think of that face filled with high-grade concern! Think of her taking even more time out of her day for your sake! And yes yes yes I know she cares I know she loves you but there are limits, surely? There have to be! And you can’t go trying to find out what they are like that! Right? This is a very you problem, so look to it yourself! Let her get on. She’s got enough to worry about. She already worries about you!
And what’s more, think of her asking if it means you want to go home! Mean, you might say it’s just so you can send a letter, you might know that that’s actually the truth, but what if she thinks you’re just saying that, hmm? What if she thinks that’s to spare her feelings? What if she starts to think you’re staying with her on sufferance?
Oh God! I hadn’t thought of that. Had I? I can’t remember. But I am now! What if she does think it means I want to go home, even if I say otherwise? What if I can’t get the idea out of her head afterwards? What if it plants a seed? Oh God!
No no no, calm, be calm. Just keep it to yourself, keep chipping away. It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. You’re fine. We’re all fine. Everything’s fine. Just keep a lid on it, keep it all down there. It’ll be fine. This’ll be fine.
“Can I do anything? She asks.
Existing is enough, believe me. I don’t tell her this. I just shake my head into her.
“I am,” I said, swallowing, licking my lips, trying to swallow again and nearly choking on my tongue. With great effort I detach from her and she gives me the looseness to do so, albeit with obvious reluctance “Going to go and get a cup of tea.”
“But it’s so late,” she says, still with that low-grade concern, now inching just that bit higher. I have to look away from her face.
“I know. Sorry. Just...out of sorts. Sorry.”
“You don’t need to say sorry.”
“I know. But I keep doing it anyway. Sorry, heh.”
The deteriorating quality of this conversation is leaving me in actual physical pain.
And she looks so forlorn sitting there, clearly wanting to make me feel better. But I can’t let her! And that’s awful! Christ this is terrible. And doesn’t need to be. Or maybe it does. I don’t know anymore.
Tea. Tea will help.
“I could send for tea?” She suggests. There’s a bellpull. She’s loathe to use it normally but it seems like I’m an exception. This does nothing to make me feel better.
“No no. It’s as much for the walk as for the tea I, uh…”
I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I’m just looking at her, still sat there, still forlorn. The look on her face kind of makes me want to cry a bit. Or maybe I just want to cry a bit in general. Maybe I really am at a low ebb.
She’s still beautiful though. I cling to that.
“Love you, you know,“ I said.
“I love you too. You’ll be back soon, won’t you?”
“Oh yes, just a little potter and some tea then back. Just need...air...and tea…”
“Okay,” she says. Still concerned but resigned now to me being obstinate about it and keeping her out. Oh, don’t you feel like a big boy.
And off I go I’m not wearing trousers but really, who cares? I don’t care. I’m wearing pants, what more does life want from me?
There’s some sort of room with tea making facilities just down the corridor, I know. Or just down the corridor and around a corner, I forget. I sort of live here and the layout still cooks my noodle. Mostly I just keep walking and hope for the best. Thankfully this time the best is a couple of minutes and I’m dumbly watching a magical kettle do its thing.
I know they say you’re not meant to do that but I’m on a run of doing things you’re not meant to lately and-
“You are very easy to sneak up on.”
“Ah!”
I very nearly whack my mug off the side as I whirl and find, standing there, Luna. Fuck me! Sneaky princesses! Bane of my life! How do they do that?! They have hooves! A lot of the flooring here is hard! I made noise walking around in bare feet!
And Luna’s doing the sneaking up thing to me now, too? Doesn’t she have stuff to do during the night? Or has that not started yet? What time even is it? God I’m out of the loop. What day is it, even? My brain has turned to soup lately. If it was ever anything other than soup.
“Hello, yes?” I said, then I bit my tongue. Rude. Rude! Bad boy! “Sorry, that was short. Hello Luna, doing good?”
In fairness to me my heart was still trying to beat its way out of my chest. Luna just looked pleased with herself. I would be too in her place, honestly, so that’s fair.
“Very well. Yourself?” She asked.
Thought about being flippant. Thought about providing a standard non-answer. Decided on something bordering on honesty.
“...been better.”
Her head cocked, a little.
“Something the matter?”
My last answer had had all the honesty I could muster. I didn’t have the energy for anything like that again. The magical kettle went ‘click’. I waved a hand in its direction.
“...impatient for tea.”
“Hmm.”
She said nothing further so I got busy making tea.
“Would you like some?” I asked but she shook her head. Fair play. As I stirred I heard her step up behind me - presumably she wanted me to hear that, given that apparently all princesses can glide around like bloody ghosts.
“There was something I wished to speak with you about, John,” she said. I turned, still stirring. What on earth would Luna want to talk to me about? Now, of all times?
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“How very ominous,” I said, stopping stirring.
“It is nothing bad, though it is a serious matter.”
Serious matters are always bad in my book, but that’s my book and my book is shit, so there you go. I wouldn’t trust my book is what I’m saying.
“I’m a famously serious man. So what did you have in mind?”
She took a second to get all her words in the proper order and then said:
“Have you given much consideration to your protection?”
I blinked. This statement was so out of the blue I honestly had trouble parsing it for a second. I had to shift gears to start thinking about it. Fairly sure you could hear them grinding in my head.
“My...protection…?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, bluntly.
“Like...wearing a seatbelt or…?”
Really didn’t know where she was coming from on this one.
“As in what steps you are taking or thinking of taking to keep yourself safe,” she said. Which didn’t clear up a whole lot for me.
I mean, what? Really? This, of all things? Now? Here? And safe from what, anyway? This was not a conversation I was really in the mindset to have. On the other hand, it was a distraction, and a distraction was kind of exactly what I needed right then, so you know.
Swings and roundabouts.
“I can’t say it’s something I’ve thought about much. I can’t say I can see why I would, honestly,” I said, taking a sip and nigh-on scalding my lips. Ow.
“It is not simply for your benefit, this question. Your wellbeing is important. To my sister, to Twilight and her friends, to me. There are many who care about you, John, and the world is not always a safe place.”
“So I’ve heard but really, I’ve done pretty well so far.”
Still alive, right?
Wrong answer, apparently. Luna’s eyes narrow.
“You cannot always expect things to work out for the best, particularly if you are relying on others to be the ones to carry the weight. It is selfish.”
Hey wait, shots fired.
“I’m selfish?”
“If you continue to act the way you do, it might be said to be selfish.”
Why not just say it instead of just setting it down on the floor and pointing at it while looking away? Suppose the fact she’s not being as blunt as she always is is a sign I should be picking up on. I choose not to. A man chooses. And so do I, it seems. Sometimes.
Also, really? She’s coming at this from some angle I hadn’t even considered you could.
Mean…
...I can sort of see her point, I guess? But only if I really twist. It doesn’t sit right for me at all, doesn’t sit naturally in my head. It isn’t something that ever would have occurred to me had someone else not brought it up, is what I’m saying. One of those things.
“Well, what could I do differently?” I asked, honestly curious.
“You might consider guards.”
I winced. Horrible idea. All that effort for me?
“That seems a bit much.”
“Well then perhaps you might consider learning how to defend yourself.”
“That just seems unnecessary.”
All that effort from me?
Oh, and she gave me a look on that one. I think I was starting to annoy her.
“This is not a joke.”
“I’m aware. Really! I get where you’re coming from even if this whole thing is kind of out of nowhere, but, look, Luna - I appreciate the concern but my every waking hour is spent in the presence of the great and powerful. If I’m not here with Celestia I’m off with Twilight and her friends, regular pack of heroes. There is no time in my life that could be considered exposed and vulnerable.”
“Except right now. When I snuck up on you. And you are alone.”
Touche.
“...granted. But I am in a castle full of guards, so excuse me if I take this one risk. What brought this sudden bout of worrying anyway, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Did seem kind of an odd thing to come at me with, especially since I doubted this was her bumping into me at random so this was instead her bumping into me on purpose specifically to talk with me about this. Guess it’s nice to know people are thinking about me but it’s still a bit weird that this was what at least one of them was thinking.
Because this is a very specific type of protection she seems to be driving at here.
“Umbra,” Luna said.
Eurgh.
“Oh. She, uh - she’s not here, is she?”
Not that I’m scared of her or anything, I’d just prefer not to get locked up again, is all.
Luna shook her head.
“No. At least not as far as we are aware. Which is sort of the point. You mentioned to my sister that she, Umbra, has eyes and ears everywhere? Was able to infiltrate agents into the castle?”
Oh yeah, that.
“Smart lady,” I said, stupidly.
“Besides which she was also able to organise your capture. Easily, too, from what I heard.”
“Well, yeah…”
Not one of my finer moments.
“Which demonstrates something of a perverse and bemusing interest in you, if nothing else, while also suggesting a broader threat to the security of our citizens. If she is able to operate so freely beneath our notice, to insert agents into places that are nominally secure, that is a definite danger. But we are talking about you now, John. Umbra is only one threat, one that has shown herself to be directly concerned with you for whatever reason, but only one. There are others, likely some we are as-yet even unaware of. You have appeared in a relatively quiet period but there are other threats in the world, other dangers. There is no telling when they may present themselves. While we will all do our best to keep you safe should anything happen - as we would for all under our protection - your...unique position is something that you should bear in mind,” she said.
This seems like a very long-form way of saying…
...something. Again, I think Luna is thinking at all of this from an angle so wildly different from my own it’s hard to get into her headspace. I sipped my tea some more. Cooler now.
“So basically - and stop me if I get any of this wrong - I should look after myself better and take steps to bolster my safety because people would be upset if I got hurt somehow? By some bad guy who might come out of the woodwork at any moment?”
What a novel concept.
Actually, wait, this relates uncomfortably to the very thing that’s already putting me in a bad mood. After all, isn’t my whole softly-softly ‘learn magic without anyone helping you so I can send a letter back home so dad won’t worry’ plan also entirely based on the idea of someone being worried about my wellbeing? Well, here we are again. Might be a slightly different shape but it’s basically the same thing, isn’t it? Dovetails uncomfortably well.
Balls, it’s coming at me from both ends! I can’t escape!
“That is more-or-less the essence of what I am saying, yes,” Luna says, because we are having a conversation and she has no awareness of what is going on inside my head (thank fuck). “And it is not something I wish to badger you about, it is simply a concern I had, and one I will continue to have until I know you are doing something about it.”
A pause, then she added, a touch more softly:
“We would all be upset if something were to happen to you, John.”
Eurgh. Button-pushing horses. Swear to God.
“I can’t even say anything flippant to that because I know it’s true. This was not how I saw my evening going,” I said, setting my mug down so I could gave my face a brisk rub.
“You were on your own. It seemed as good a time to bring it up to you as any,” said Luna.
“The best time, probably. No, no, I get it. Wouldn’t ever have crossed my mind but I guess you have to consider these sorts of things when you’re in your position, right?” I asked. She nodded. Yeah, sounds about right. “Well, that’s something else to add to my to-do list, then. I’ll - I’ll figure something out. Tomorrow. Later. Soon.”
“Sooner would be better. I will worry otherwise,” she said, then leaning in to add: “We’ll all worry otherwise.”
More button pushing!
“You’re doing that on purpose, now,” I said. She leaned back, again looking rather pleased with herself.
“I am.”
“You’re not the boss of me.”
“No, but the boss of you is my sister and she has told me you are a soft touch and a pushover,” she said.
“My God, Celestia sold me out. I knew I couldn’t trust her,” I said flatly, pounding a fist into my open palm with all the energy and enthusiasm of a man catching a dead fish. Got a smirk out of Luna, at least. “No, I’ll work on it. I will. Guess it makes sense given my, ah, ‘unique position’, you called it? Guess it is that. More things to think about, great.”
“What else are you thinking about?”
She’s doing that now, too!
“I don’t even know anymore. Dozens of little things. Making toys. Fixing buckets. Reading. None of it’s especially complicated but I’m not the sharpest and it’s all trying to get through my very small brain all at once. I need to go to sleep,” I said, biting on my fist to keep a yawn from escaping.
“It would not hurt. Most things are improved after a sleep.”
“Has anyone ever commended you on your wisdom, Luna?” I asked.
“Many. Not you, though. Not yet.”
“Well let this be the first time. Very wise, you.”
“Kind of you to say.”
“And as for Umbra I wouldn’t worry about her, personally. I’m hardly going to be running into her now we had this conversation, am I? That’d be far too convenient. Not even my life is that convenient! No, I’m going to be safe for a good few days at least, after this. So I wouldn’t worry about her.”
Not for the first time I got the impression Luna did not take what I’d said in the spirit in which I’d said it. Story of my life. She wouldn’t be the only one.
“Umbra is not a joke, John, and neither is your safety.”
“As I’m learning. But really, in all seriousness, she’s probably got other things to do, more important than me.”
Luna gives me a look. It is so utterly inscrutable I can’t even begin to fathom what she might be trying to convey to me. I’m too tired to try puzzling it out, so I just ask.
“What’s that look for?”
“My sister also has other, more important things to do and still finds time for you,” she says.
A pause while I think.
“...that’s not the same though,” I said.
Another pause while she lets me think some more.
“Hmm. Bear our conversation in mind,” she says.
And off she goes, to go and do her own important things. She found time for me, too! Everyone does…
Urgh. This was a failure. The whole point of me going up to go and make tea was to have a quiet moment to try and wind myself down, clear my head and all that. Instead I’m even more wound up and my head is even more full of nonsense! This is exactly what we didn’t want to happen.
What’s more my tea’s gone cold.
How long were we talking?
Oh well. I pour it away, rinse the mug out and then go sloping off back to bed, where I find Celestia gently snoozing, having slumped over sideways while waiting for me. Slumped onto my side, to boot. She looks so bloody peaceful and so bloody pretty that I do my best to try and not disturb her as I slip back under the covers. This isn’t easy, as she’s taking up basically the whole bed (a particular talent of hers) but I do my best.
All for nothing, in the event, as about a minute after I’ve torturously, silently re-inserted myself she just snuffles and shuffles and grabs hold of me in her sleep anyway and proceeds to roll over the other way while still holding me, like I’m a bloody teddy bear. Strong girl, my girl!
Oh well. Worse things have happened. Worse things than ending up back in my favourite place.
...maybe everything’s not that awful.
At least not right now. Tomorrow’s another story. But that’s future me’s problem.
Present-me is going to sleep.