//------------------------------// // Cheese and Spiders // Story: More Dreams // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Nobody expected Princess Luna to come for a visit. Well, let me rephrase that. Nopony expected it. Being not technically a pony, I was exempt. Also, I had insider knowledge. “Princess Luna is coming for a visit!” Twilight squealed happily. “What for?” I murmured from under the blanket. Twilight often received good-news mail at the library early in the morning. Too early. “Just a vacation, it looks like,” she replied. “How long?” I asked. “A couple of days. It shouldn’t be a big deal. She’ll have a disguise.” Twilight reread the letter and went off to prepare for the visit. I rolled over and went back to sleep. I was awakened later by a lavender hoof poking me. I should specify that it was a more pinkish shade of lavender than purplish. It made a difference how I responded. If it had been the lavender pony Twilight, I probably would have hit her or something. Since it was actually the lavender pony Cheerilee, I flipped my shit and fell off the couch. The mare glared at me. She did that a lot. The two of us didn’t exactly get along, and being that she was a bloodsucking fiend, I was at a bit of a disadvantage. Being wrapped in a blanket on the floor in front of a vampire who is pissed at you is never a good place to be. Fortunately, she was on business and not in a hungry mood. “I’m bodyguarding the Princess while she’s in town, and I don’t want any funny business from you.” Since becoming a vampire completely by accident that may have actually been my fault, Cheerilee had been working for Princess Luna. I shrugged. “Luna and I are cool. We’ve had some good times.” Cheerilee gave me a look, but turned and left. I ordinarily wouldn’t have been so jumpy around her, but she’d caught me at a bad time. I resolved to begin getting up earlier. To help that along, I also resolved to begin drinking more coffee. Speaking of coffee, I headed downtown to get a cup of joe. There was unfortunately no normal coffee shop in town, and I had to endure the trendy places where all the artists hung out. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a place for everyone, but they annoyed me with all their feelings and stuff. As I walked in, I was surprised to find the Princess there. She didn’t look like a tall blue mare with wings and a horn. At the moment, she resembled a rather average yellow earth pony with a red mane and a wheel of gouda for a cutie mark. I sat down next to her. “Yo, Cheese.” She smiled, pleased that I had remembered her secret identity. “Good morning.” “I met up with your pet vampire earlier,” I said. “She didn’t seem pleased.” A couple of the coffee shop patrons appeared to be listening with interest. Luna didn’t notice, and went on. “Yes, she’s a little grumpy with the situation. My stay in Ponyville is cutting into her feeding habits.” A few more ponies stopped to listen. I said, “Well, at the very least give her a night off once in awhile to kill something.” The coffee shop had gone silent as every ear tuned in to our conversation. The door opened and Cheerilee came in. She looked around suspiciously, eyes focusing on me. “There she is right now,” I said. “The schoolteacher.” The coffee shop erupted in laughter. Hayseed Turniptruck chortled, “Oh, I get it! Calling her a vampire is an analogy to how students feel about her teaching habits!” Luna laughed. The rest of the ponies in the coffee shop went back to doing what they were doing. Cheerilee’s eyes narrowed until I felt like I was being lit up by a laser beam. She came over to the table and put a note on the table. “Princess, we may have a problem.” “What’s this?” asked Luna. “It looks like a threat.” Cheerile read the note. “Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of an eight legged freak.” “Wait, you can read?” I said. “You told me you were illiterate.” Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “I lied to get you to leave me alone.” “I think we should be more concerned about this mysterious eight legged freak,” said Luna. “Who are they? What do they want?” I shrugged, glancing at the floor were a small spider crawled. I squished it under a hoof and looked back up. “At least this time we get some warning. Most of the crazies that attack Equestria just go for it.” “Where did you find that note?” Luna asked. “Public message board.” Cheerilee shrugged. “That’s just dandy,” I said. “Are you sure it’s not one of those trendy alternative bands?” “Hey, has anypony ever heard of ‘Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of an eight legged freak,’?” shouted Cheerilee to the coffee shop crowd. Several of the trendy ponies looked like they wanted to be all cool and say they had, but kept quiet. “Well, I should be getting back to the hotel,” said Luna. “This vacation won’t be ruined by vague threats.” The disguised Princess left. Cheerilee stared me down like I was doing something wrong or something. “Jeeze, what is with this place and spiders?” I said, avoiding another creepy crawly that slowly lowered itself from the ceiling on a strand of silk. Cheerilee glanced at the spider as it passed her face and then chomped it. I gaped at her. I mean, I’ve been there and done that when it came to creepy, but that was a little over the line. “So, uh, how does that taste?” “Not very good,” she admitted. “I’m...going to go,” I said. She smiled. “Good.” Back at the library, Twilight was setting up lunch. I wasn't hungry. I told her about the eight legged freak busines. “Sounds scary,” she said. “This could be serious.” “Luna didn’t seem to think so,” I said. Twilight looked out the window. “I hate to question a princess, but...it’s serious.” I followed her gaze. There was a spider the size of a haywagon rampaging down the street. I turned back. “Twilight, get me my boots.” “It’s not raining,” she said, voice on the verge of panic as she looked outside again. “Trust me.” I slipped the boots on and went out. The spider was nearly out of sight by the time I exited the library. Cheerilee appeared. “Well, it looks like the warning came to pass.” “I don’t know if I would call it an eight legged freak. I mean, it’s certainly large, but perhaps it’s just overgrown.” I shrugged. She facehoofed and dashed away. I moseyed over to where I’d left my flamethrower apparatus and settled it onto my back. Heading in the direction where I heard the most screams, I found the spider terrorizing downtown. “Isn’t terrorizing the town your job?” shouted a pony, fleeing from the scene. “You clearly know me too well!” I called after him. I walked up to the large spider and casually hosed it with fire. It didn’t like that, and started twitching and stuff. A sudden blur out of the corner of my eye made me flinch and squeeze the trigger. It turned out to be Cheerilee, and I flamethrower’d her. The vampire flambé bounced off the burning spider and rocketed towards another part of town. I turned back to the library, satisfied with a job well done. Killing the spider had been pretty good, too. I met Luna along the way. She appeared to have a problem. “Spiders,” she explained hurriedly. I burned her hotel room, stomping the survivors that came crawling out. That seemed to satisfy her, but created a whole host of new complaints from other ponies. After a lot of explaining, some bribe paying, and many threats of burnination, I got free of the angry mob. Slipping away from torches and pitchforks was becoming a thing for me. I almost had it down to a science. I was lounging in the library when Cheerilee came stalking in. She was mostly char-free, but the look on her face was pure rage. She threw down a hoof full of dead spiders in front of me. “Seven,” she spat. “Huh?” I replied. “All these spiders have just seven legs. This wasn’t the threat at all.” She pulled out another piece of paper. “What’s worse...” I read the words. Ponyville shall tremble under the wrath of a MAGNIFICENT eight legged freak. I sighed. “What a tangled web this is.” Author note: You’ll be seeing more of this. A lot more.