“Well,” Twilight said, joining the rest of the Elements of Harmony at the map table, “that’s everypony in their rooms."
“I don’t know what I expected,” Rainbow Dash said, “but this? This was not it.”
“Do we really need to have them locked up like this?” Rarity asked. “Not that I don’t appreciate the reprieve, but it just seems… Well, undignified to have them caged like wild animals.”
“It’s just a precaution, Rarity,” Applejack added. “It ain’t like we’re banishin’ them to Tartarus or th’ Moon. We just gotta make sure they ain’t got interdimensional space rabies or somethin’.”
Rainbow Dash leaned sideways to Fluttershy. “Is that a thing?” she whispered.
“Um…” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “No?”
“Okay, cool.”
“Anyway!” Pinkie piped up. “That just means we gotta make sure they’re okay, right? And then we can figure out how to send them back to whatever two-legged world they came from! Just gotta make sure the ingredients are still good before we make them into a cake!”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Are you gonna turn those boys into a cake?”
Pinkie blinked innocently. “Why would you think that?”
“If we can focus for a moment,” Twilight cut in, “I’d like to start off by comparing notes on the boys and the situations we found them in. Who wants to go first?”
Applejack raised a hoof. “This has been buggin’ me since we set out from where we found Purple Heart,” she said. “He-”
“Where’d you find him?” Twilight asked abruptly.
“Eh… We found him in a small town in the Badlands,” Applejack started, “but we found where he landed first. Seemed like he crashed in the northern part of th Forbidden Jungle an’ skipped along into the Badlands itself. Why?”
“Just wanted to triangulate coordinates in case I want to try the spell again.” Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. “Anyways, town in the Badlands, right?”
“Yeah… In the southern region of the Badlands, to be precise,” Applejack said. “Small town called Anchorhoof. We spent most of the morning walking from settlement to settlement, small farms that gathered what little liquid from the cacti and other hardy desert plants that they could. None of the occupants could help us find Purple Heart, but they did warn us about a group of bandits to look out for. Tusken Raiders they’re called.”
Twilight blinked. “Tusken Raiders?” she repeated. “That sounds familiar.”
“We’ll get to that,” Rainbow said. “We finally came to the town of Anchorhoof and made our way to the cantina-”
“Why the cantina?” Rarity asked.
“What’s a cantina?” Fluttershy piped up.
“I’ll do you one better: who’s a cantina?” demanded Pinkie Pie, slamming her hooves on the table.
“First off, ‘Ya can always rely on a pony to get a drink after a long tromp through the desert’,” Rainbow Dash quoted. “Secondly, a cantina is a bar. Or a tavern really. Thirdly, what?”
Pinkie blinked once, then shrugged. “I haven’t made that joke before. I saw an opportunity and I seized it.”
Applejack shook her head and rapped on the table for attention. “Anywho, we found Purple Heart in the cantina drinking with some of the town officials; the mayor, the sheriff, the local magic pony, and the doctor. Purple Heart was telling them about how he dealt with a detachment of the Tusken Raiders.”
“You mentioned them before,” Twilight said, her quill pausing at her question. Applejack waved a hoof.
“According to the ponies we ran into along the way, a group of elephants that regularly raid the southern holdings of the Badlands,” the orange mare explained. “Purple Heart on the other hoof said they were… what did he say again?” She turned, looking questioningly at Rainbow Dash.
“‘The Fifth Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army’,” the blue pegasus recited. “Sounds like a bunch of hay-feathers if you ask me.”
“He sounded really upset about them though,” Applejack added. “Said they’d been forgotten for a hundred years or something like that.” She winced and looked at Twilight specifically. “He also wasn’t too thrilled with the idea of coming back to Ponyville. Or the idea of you helping.”
“So Purple Heart being Purple Heart,” Twilight noted. “No real surprise there.”
“I wouldn’t be too certain,” Rainbow warned. “He sounded pretty definitive in his dislike for the princess’ in general. That’s new.”
“So anarchy. Lovely. Anything else?”
“He was very vehement about not leaving the Badlands to fend for themselves against the Tusken Raiders,” Applejack said. “I suggested he talk to you about them.”
“Right. I’m sure I’ll be able to set aside time to talk to him about more philosophical jargon,” Twilight snorted.
Applejack blinked, then turned to Twilight. “In any case, Twi, what about Wits? Ya’ll were here when we got back. Did you learn anything from him?”
Twilight shook her head. “Nothing much. He ended up in the Undiscovered West in a river somehow. From there, he apparently made his way to the border with the Deer Kingdoms.”
“The Deer Kingdoms?” Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t they tightening their security at the border?”
“That’s the thing,” Twilight continued. “Wits managed to talk a guard into letting a couple of ponies in, including himself. From everything I’ve read, no-pony has ever talked a deer into doing something they didn’t want to.”
With a groan, Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “What, did he try to seduce the guard?”
“No. ...Well, maybe. It happened before we got there.” Twilight thought for a moment, then made a note on a pad of paper for later. “It seems like Wits still has some of his magic from Discord’s game world. In particular, the spell he got from Princess Celestia’s counterpart; Guiding Sunlight.”
“I thought her name was Sol Eater?” Pinkie asked.
“No, the spell’s name is Guiding Sunlight. As far as I can tell, it puts a thought or a command into a pony’s mind that they have to follow. I guess it works on deer too.”
“But he’s not using it on purpose,” Fluttershy said quickly. “At least, it doesn’t seem that way. It, um, seems like he couldn’t control it. It was his idea to have you dispel it on yourself, Twilight.”
Twilight nodded. “And to isolate himself. That’s part of why the other two colts are in isolation as well. Although…” She turned to Rarity and Pinkie. “What in Equestria happened to Light Patch? It looked like he was in pretty bad shape.”
“That's because he was beaten to within an inch of his life,” Rarity said. Fluttershy gasped while the other mares gaped.
“He was dropped in the Frozen North beyond even the Crystal Empire. He says it was night when he woke up and headed towards the brightest set of lights he could see. Or light pollution, anyway.”
“Wait, light can pollute?” Rainbow asked.
“It’s very rare in smaller cities, but in Manehattan it’s said the lights from the city can just about light up the nearest towns,” Rarity explained. “At least that’s the joke, but really, Rainbow, focus please.”
“At some point he stole my shtick and popped into the middle of a confrontation between two kinda bandit groups who were about to fight and wreck the fields of a small farm family up there,” Pinkie continued.
“From there, he tried to help the farmers save their land, but the bandits found out and united against him and the farmers. He held the bandits off for the family to escape. Apparently, like Pinkie said, he does have some abilities similar to her, but they failed at a critical point in the fight.”
“It stopped being funny,” Pinkie responded with a shrug.
“In anycase,” Rarity said, not wanting to try and parse what Pinkie had just said, “the battle turned against him and he was swiftly beaten then forced to watch as the farm burned and was left behind.”
“Oh no,” Fluttershy whispered, her fore hooves held to her face. The others’ faces matched her thoughts.
“Wow,” Twilight said, her quill hovering unmoved above the parchment for her notes. “That certainly explains the shape he was in.”
“Yes. Though, he actually looks better now than when we first found him,” Rarity chimed in. “It seems he still possesses a fraction of his healing powers from Discord’s little… game.” The distaste was evident in her voice.
“I… Uh, didn’t wanna bring it up there, but, Rarity? Did his coat strike you as a shade or two paler than it used to be?” Pinkie asked at that point.
“I can’t say it wasn’t just the various lights, but that thought had struck me too.” Rarity nodded.
“Now that you mentioned it, I thought his coat’s color looked off,” Twilight mused, looking through some notes. “Oh, did he have any idea what his cutie mark was supposed to be?”
“I’m afraid not, dear. He said it did look familiar, but he couldn’t place it,” Rarity replied.
“Alright,” Applejack said. “Now we know what those boys were doin’. And we know Twi, Sunset, and Starlight’s spell is what brought them here. Ah’ve got two questions.”
“Is one of them ‘how are they’?” Pinkie asked.
Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Pretty sure the answer to that is ‘not great’, Pinkie.”
“My first question is this,” Applejack continued, talking over the side-conversation. “What in tarnation is going on with those boys? And two, how do we send them back to their world?”
“What, don’t you want them to hang out here?” Rainbow asked.
“Oh, Ah’d be thrilled to have them here,” Applejack deadpanned, “if ah didn’t think those three would attract trouble like a pot of honey attracts flies and bears. The sooner we know how to send them back home, the less chance they have to make some villain crawl out of th’ woodwork.”
“Wait,” Twilight looked up from her notes. “What did you mean by ‘what’s going on with them’?”
Applejack looked around at the other mares. “What? Ah ain’t the only one seein’ it, am ah? Something’s weird about them. Purple Heart’s got some anarchist ideals and behaviour now, Light Patch suddenly has some of Pinkie’s powers an’ lost a fight because it wasn’t funny, and Wits can’t control what comes out of his horn.” She pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash, who had snorted loudly. “Ah know what ah said, so shut up!”
“Well, when you put it that way…” Twilight mused. “I guess there is one way to test that.”
“Please tell me it’s not friendship lessons,” Rainbow groaned, having finally recovering from her giggle-fit.
“I wasn’t going to call them friendship lessons, but effectively, yes. Once we’ve cleared them of any sort of… interdimensional space rabies, we’ll take them to help the rest of Ponyville. If they’re the same colts we know, they’ll probably complain a lot, but do it anyway.”
“And if they’re not?” Fluttershy whimpered.
“Orbital Friendship Cannon?” Pinkie proposed.
Twilight held up a forehoof. “We’ll deal with that if we get there. For now, it’s been a long day. Let’s get some sleep and come at this in the morning. Spike? Can you let Starlight know-” She looked around. “Where’s Starlight Shimmer?”
“She left before you guys got back,” Spike answered. “You didn’t notice?”
“...Obviously not. Send her a letter and let her know I’ll need her help for some tests in the morning.”
“You got it!”
Twilight turned back to the rest of the mares. “That’ll do it. Have a good night, girls.”
* * *
“Are you sure it’s safe for us to talk?” Wits asked, pawing at the simple metal band strapped around his horn. “I mean, not that I don’t appreciate the new headgear, but I’ve still got that uncontrollable mind control thing going on.”
“We’re fine, Wits,” Twilight said. “That band is enchanted to keep magic from leaking out unless you focus on it. It’s the same thing parents use for unicorn foals.”
“Did you use one of these?”
“For a time.”
Wits pawed at the band again. “Is it supposed to itch so much?”
Twilight frowned. “Unfortunately, yes. It’s supposed to incentivize foals to learn how to control their magic so they can stop wearing it.”
“Thanks, I hate it.” Wits sighed, forcing his hooves back onto the floor of his room in Twilight’s castle. “So, what’s been happening? I thought I felt Purple Heart walk by the door a while back.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Like a psychic connection?”
“More like the floor vibrating when he stomped past. Does that mean you found them?” Twilight nodded, and Wits sighed as his shoulders relaxed. “That’s a relief. Are they dealing with the same…” He made a vague motion towards his horn.
“Not exactly. I want to run a couple of tests on each of you to make sure there’s no residual effects of wherever you three went to.”
“Great.” Wits groaned. “Keep an eye out for common side effects, such as fever, the common cold, sore throat, stuffy head, the condition known as ‘hot dog hooves’...”
Twilight cut through Wits’ list. “It’s just to make sure you three won’t collapse the moment I take my eyes off you. Once that’s done, you’ll be free to go.”
* * *
“...Soon as Redheart let’s me,” Light Patch said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, you sound like you got something else on your mind.” Light Patch replied to Twilight’s question.
“Yeah, I do, actually. You’ll be happy to know that I am working on getting you three home,” Twilight said.
“Coo,” Light Patch hummed.
“It might take awhile. Discord is… somewhere not here and honestly, I think he’s avoiding me and or you three.” Twilight sighed heavily, her ears drawing backwards. “So, it looks like it’s mostly gonna be up to Sunset, Starlight and I to provide what help we can. Luckily, the other princesses have also volunteered.”
Her ears perked up again and a small hopeful smile crossed her face. “And I’ve got a couple of promising ideas involving the same kind of magic used to make the mirror…” She trailed off again, her smile drooping slightly. “But, it’s gonna take a while unless Discord decides to help.”
Light nodded sadly. “Bah, you’re just sad you won’t be able to foist Wits and Purps onto somepony else.” This prompted an indignant look from Twilight. Light coughed loudly. “So, how long are you thinking it’ll be?”
“Without Discord’s help, it might take up to a year or so,” Twilight answered with a shrug. “But, I figure Discord will pitch in before that. Maybe a month or so and then we can get you home and outta all our manes.” Twilight smiled. “Maybe.”
* * *
“Against my better judgement,” Twilight exhaled, eyeing Purple Heart irritably, “I find myself asking that you take on some of the day-to-day tasks of helping ponies around Ponyville while I figure out how to get you three back home.”
“...You still don’t agree with my perspective on things, do you?”
One of Twilight’s eyes twitched and she wrinkled her nose in distaste. “If you’d stop referencing that… altercation, I’d be more willing to listen to your insight.”
“Then what’s keeping you from just locking myself and my friends in your sparkly abode?” the purple earth pony asked glibly.
Mouth twisting into a grimace, Twilight forced herself to remain seated. “Two reasons,” she stated stiffly. “One: There’s a lot of requests for Friendship Counseling. Two: if I keep you three in here any longer, the castle will explode.”
Purple Heart blinked once in confusion. “We’ve only been here for a few hours.”
“I didn’t say you three would make the castle explode,” the princess snapped.
“Aah. Point. Can the three of us work together?”
“No!” Twilight denied immediately.
Another blink. “Why not?”
“I need to observe all three of you while you’re solving problems on your own. I already have plenty of data on your compounded solving skills. Besides, Light Patch is injured and needs as little aggravation as possible. Wits, on the other hoof, is dangerous to talk to. His magic is a little rampant right now.”
Purple Heart arched an eyebrow at the Princess of Friendship. “I’ve injured Light before and Wits is always dangerous to talk to. Since when has this dynamic changed?”
Twilight lifted a hoof and opened her mouth to retort. She paused. Her mouth closed and her hoof dropped to the table. “Because I said so?” she tried.
The two of them stared at each other for several seconds trying to bait the other into breaking. Purple Heart ended it by sighing.
“Fine. I’ll humor you. However.” His eyes narrowed as he glared at Twilight. “I need you to do something for me.”
Twilight pursed her lips and looked back at her clipboard. “You’re not in any place to make demands right now, mister.”
“And I’m only doing this in the hopes that you’ll be able to send us home before long,” Purple Heart retorted, “but, we don’t always get what we want, so why don’t you humor me? Besides, it's research. What can be so bad about that?”
Twilight sighed, flipping to a fresh page on her clipboard. “Fine. What is it?”
“Find out about the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army and get them some supplies before bringing them home or retasking them”
“Fine. Now, you’re free to go. Spike will give you your task list in the foyer.”
Purple Heart sighed and stood to walk around the table. “I’ll resist the urge to make ponies question their world views,” he said over his shoulder. He flinched when he heard Twilight grinding her teeth behind him. “Kidding!” He opened the door and walked out. Twilight sagged in her chair.
“He’s gone. Finally.”
“Just want to point out,” Purple Heart said, peaking back into the room, “that I will reply to requests for perspective solicitation-”
He ducked the notepad flung at his head and bolted. “Nevermind!”