A sudden bump jolted Wits End awake, and he blearily opened his eyes and looked around. He found himself in a wooden cart along with three others, being pulled by a pony- no, a deer, wearing ornate armor. Before he had time to ask any questions, one of his cartmates spoke up.
“Hey, you! You’re finally awake!” Wits focused his eyes on the speaker: a dark-blue mare with pointed teeth and bat-like wings. “You were trying to cross the border, right?” The bat-pony chuckled. “Walked right into that Cervidae ambush, same as us,” she gestured to a purple bat-pony, “and that thief over there.”
“Oh come on, seriously?” The so-called ‘thief’ groaned. “You’re referencing that old story?”
“When else am I gonna have an opportunity like this?” the first bat-pony responded, before turning back to Wits. “The name’s Mousetail. That’s Leafnose,” the ‘thief’ grumbled, “and that’s Goldcrown,” a larger tan bat-colt waved. “The edgy one’s called Vampire.”
Wits looked at the black and red bat-pony over. “Not Shadow?”
Vampire looked at Wits out of the corner of his eye. “M’brother.”
“Of course.” Wits glanced around at the looming trees and mountain faces around them. “Where are we?”
“This? This is home!” Mousetail paused. “I mean, kinda. Our cave’s about half an hour’s fly away from the town.”
Wits nodded. “Riiiiiight. The town. The town we’re going to. The place we’re going to that is, specifically, a town. The going-to town.” He paused. “That town?”
Mousetail stared at him for a moment. “Yeah, that’s the one. Are you alright?”
“You have no idea how many times I’ve been asked that. Especially by myself.” Wits paused for a moment. “So… you’re bat-ponies, then?”
“Woah, dude,” Goldcrown cut in. “Like, I get that you’re, like, a pony-pony? But you can’t go around calling ponies ‘bat-ponies’, ya know? That’s, like, our word.”
“Oh, uh, sorry about that. I didn’t-”
Mousetail interrupted. “Nah, he’s givin’ you a hard time. Equestrians call us bat-ponies, but teeeeechnically we’re called Thestrals. You know, like how you’re a pony, but teeeeechnically you’re a Unicorn? It’s like that. But with bat-ponies and Thestrals.”
Wits blinked. “Boy, I feel like I’ve learned a lot. What am I doing here again?”
“We were wondering that too,” Leafnose cut in. “And we were going to ask, until this idiot got herself distracted.” Mousetail scoffed, but didn’t say anything more, so Leafnose continued. “We found you passed out off the road. You’re lucky we were traveling with a Deer, or else no-pony would’ve noticed you there.”
“It is unwise to walk the Rúnen Mysterui lacking a guide,” the armored deer answered, their voice lilting and ambiguous. “These woods can be… treacherous when alone.”
“Rune… what?” Wits asked.
“The Eastern Mystery,” Leafnose answered. “It’s what the Deer call the Shifting Woodlands.” He paused, seeing that the confusion hadn’t left the unicorn’s face. “It’s what you Equestrians call the Undiscovered West.”
“Ah, okay.” Wits was silent for a moment. “Where’s that, exactly?”
“The Undiscovered West?” Wits nodded, and Leafnose frowned. “It’s… to the west of Equestria.”
“Probably should’ve put that together myself…” Wits mumbled. That answers some questions, though, he thought. Not only am I a pony again, but I’m in the main Equestria universe. Sure wish I’d looked at a map from later in the series while I was still on Earth… But it sounds like I’m pretty far from anything I would’ve seen anyways. In any case, I need to get back to Equestria if I’m gonna get back home. “Where’s this cart going, anyway?”
The deer answered first. “We make for Manui Aras Dór, with our journey nearly over.”
“But first we’re stopping in Midton,” Mousetail said. “That’s the town I was talking about before. We’ll fly to the caves from there.”
Leafnose cut her off. “He doesn’t care, mossbrain.” He turned back to Wits End. “What about you? You heading into the Deer Kingdoms?”
“Not exactly…” Wits thought for a moment. If I’m here, then there’s a good chance Patchy and Purple are too. They might’ve landed around here, and made for the local town. He nodded. “Well, I guess I’m getting out at Midton, and then back to Equestria.”
Mousetail seemed impressed. “That’s a heck of a coincidence.”
“Yeah, I find myself in a lot of those.” Wits sighed. “For example, I’m going to ask how close we are to Midton, and it’ll turn out we’re already there.”
“You have able senses for a pony,” the deer said. “Indeed, we have arrived.”
Wits threw his forehooves into the air. “Ta-da.”
Midton, as it turned out, was more of a border post than a town. However, tightly knit walls of trees and brambles stretched out as far as Wits could see on either side of the settlement, with a thinner similar barrier encircling the town itself. What buildings he could see seemed to be a mix of typical pony architecture, and what he could only describe as ‘the most generic Elvish buildings imaginable’.
Wits whistled softly. “Is that to keep ponies out? Or deer in?”
“Need it be one or the other?” the deer asked, a faint hint of a smile in their voice. “You should dismount here. The guard shall assist you in entering.”
“This is where we take off too,” Mousetail said, while the other Thestrals literally took to the sky. “Hey, if you’re ever in the area, come stop by the caves. There’s a moss shawarma place you’ve got to try. My treat, of course.”
“I’ll… keep that in mind.” Wits shook his hoof. “Thanks.”
“No worries! Remember: half an hour that way by air, third cave on the left.” Mousetail waved, and took off. Soon, the Thestrals had vanished behind the treeline.
Wits hopped off of the cart, taking a few stumbling steps as his legs got used to holding him up again. “Thanks for the ride,” he said to the deer. “I don’t think I ever heard your name.”
The deer bowed their head. “I am known to some as Mellroch. May I have your name?”
Wits opened his mouth, then hesitated. “You may call me Mithrandir,” he said eventually.
A sly smile spread over Mellroch’s face. “An interesting precaution, my friend. However, in your case, might I recommend ‘Márandir’ instead?”
“Is that name given freely?”
Mellroch bowed their head again. “Without obligation, let, or lien.
Wits smiled back. “Then Márandir it is. I always wanted a cool alias.”
“Then I surely hope that we meet again, Márandir.”
“Yeah… Hey, what does Márandir mean, anyway?”
“In the Equestrian tongue? Loosely, it means ‘Wandering Hand’. It seemed fitting, given your markings.”
Wits blinked. “Markings? Hand?” He looked himself over. His pinto marking seemed to be in the same places as they were before. Then he found it: an open, white-gloved hand, emblazoned on either flank. “What? Who in the name of Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters put that there? How long was that-” Wits looked up to find Mellroch, and their cart, gone without a trace. He frowned. “I feel like there’s some confusion over what kind of Elves we’re dealing with here…”
He marched up and joined a line of ponies, griffon, and other native Equestrian creatures in front of the entrance to Midton, and soon became lost in thought. So now I have a Cutie Mark. I thought we didn’t have Cutie Marks in Discord’s game world because we were humans, and therefore didn’t have particular special talents? Why would that change just because we’re in Equestria? His eyebrows knitted together as the line moved forward. Is it because this is the Cutie Mark the local version of Wits End has? Maybe this is just a copy of the local Wits End’s Cutie Mark? Twilight did say there was a version of me in this world, sorta like Witstang in the EQG world.
His eyebrows shot up to his hairline. That’s right! What happened after we got pulled out of the EQG world? We beat the Hydra, but did the portals close? Or did everything get sucked into another universe? Oh sugar honey iced tea, I used the portal spell on Sunset too! Is she alright? I thought it’d send her back to Equestria, but what if she ended up somewhere else? Or worse, she’s trapped in the space between dimensions, being possessed by evil creatures that want nothing more than to conquer-slash-destroy the world as we know it? He paused. Actually, that’s probably too dark for a childrens’ cartoon. I bet she’s fine.
“Next!” Wits looked up from his revery. There was a pair of ponies at the gate in front of him, both in animated conversation with the deer guards. “I am sorry, sir,” one of the deer was saying, “but we cannot allow you to pass without the proper documentation.”
“Oh for the love of-” The yellow stallion cut himself off with a growl. “We have the consarned documentation. We gave it to you. You have it in your hooves!”
“You have most of the documentation,” the guard corrected. “Two days ago, it was decreed that all entrants must provide a copy of their dental records so they may be identified. Without that, no-pony may enter.”
“Dental records?” Steam seemed to blow out of the stallion’s nose. “Who the hay keeps a copy of their dental records on them?”
“It took us three days to get here!” A light green mare added. “How’re we supposed to bring records if we didn’t need them when we left?”
The guard’s expression remained placid, but firm. “I am sorry, but the decree clearly states-”
“Mind if I butt in?” Wits asked, stepping up to join the group. “Sounds like there’s some sort of trouble going on, and I thought I’d join in it.”
A shadow of a frown appeared on the guard’s lips. “Sir, please return to the-”
“This fella,” the stallion interrupted, “is saying we can’t go in on account of some papers they decided they needed after we left the homestead! Now, I aim to go through that gate, or my name ain’t Cobra Stan!”
Wits saw a pair of armed deer moving closer. “Good grief,” he muttered, then turned to the guard. “Look, I understand you have a job to do. An entry permit is required, yadda yadda, I get it.” Thin pale wisps flowed from his horn, making their way unnoticed to the guard. “But like they’ve said, the decree came in after they’d already left. Now, they don’t need dental records to leave, do they?”
“No,” the guard said slowly, “standard Equestrian travel documents are all that are necessary to return.”
“Well then,” Wits leaned in as he dropped his voice, “why don’t you just let them in for now? It’s not like they’re going to cause any trouble or anything, right? That way, everypony is happy. Sounds good?”
The deer hesitated. “Well…”
Wits put a little more force into his magic. “Come on. It’s just a couple of ponies. It will be fine.” His eyes seemed to glow faintly as he stared at the guard. “Trust me.”
After a few seconds, the guard stamped the top page of each set of documents with a green seal. “Here,” he said, passing the papers to the pair of ponies.
The ponies were surprised. Neither of them seemed to have noticed Wits’ use of magic. “Really?” the mare asked. “Just like that?”
Wits smiled, relaxing his spell on the guard. “Just like that. Right?”
The guard nodded. “Just refrain from causing any trouble.”
The stallion laughed, and clapped Wits on the back. “Thanks a million, kid! I owe you one!”
“We both do,” the mare said. “Thank you so much.”
“Ahh, weren’t no thing.” Wits tried to hide his blush. “Go have fun, you two.” He turned back to the guard, sending another pulse of magic into him. “They should have fun, right?”
The guard hesitated for a moment. “Enjoy your stay.”
With another back of laughter, the stallion picked up their luggage and led the way through the gate, with the mare following close behind him. Wits sighed in content, releasing his magic. “Nice to do a good deed once in a while.”
Although confused, the deer nodded. “Yes… I suppose so.”
“Excuse me!” A mare’s voice carried over the sound of conversations in the line behind Wits. A familiar voice. “My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria. Has anypony seen a small, mint-colored unicorn recently?”
Wits twitched. “Small? Really?” He grumbled, turning towards the voice and opening his mouth to respond.
“Please,” Twilight’s voice continued, “if you’ve seen him, we need you to tell us. It’s possible that he and his friends are in grave danger.”
Wits’ mouth snapped shut. Grave danger? he thought. What’s going on? Who’re we in danger from? Wait, is Twilight the danger? Oh snap, is this one of those grimdark alternate universe versions of Equestria? Twilight could be here with a squad of pony-sized stormtroopers. Why else would she refer to herself as Princess of Equestria like that? He turned to the guard, sending more wisps of white magic into him. “Let me in, right now.”
The guard visibly shuddered. “I…”
“I do not have time to make this a discussion. Let. Me. In.” Wits glanced over his shoulder, spotting a pair of purple wings over the crowd. “Please.”
The deer turned away, retrieving a temporary pass and stamping it in one smooth motion, and passed it to Wits. “Here.”
“Thanks. Do me one more favor.” Wits started moving to the gate as he spoke. His magic reached out and touched each of the guards, and the surrounding ponies waiting to enter. “Forget you ever saw me.” With that, he ducked through the gate and out of site.
Twilight Sparkle, along with Fluttershy and Spike, approached the dazed-looking deer guard. “Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy squeaked. “Was the full title really, um, necessary?”
“There’s ponies and non-ponies from all over the world here,” Twilight replied. “They might not know who I am, but flaunting the Princessness helps to skip some ‘who do you think you are’ steps.” She turned to the guard with a polite smile. “Hi. Have you seen a small unicorn stallion come by here? He’s kind of blue-ish green and sarcastic?”
The guard blinked. “I have never seen anypony by that description,” he said flatly.
Twilight frowned. “That’s going to make this more difficult,” she said. “If he’s still lost in the forest, it could be days before it shifts so that he can find a path back out.”
“Hey!” A yellow stallion poked his head through the gate, despite the protests of one of the nearby deer guards. “Is that little unicorn fella still around? We just realized we never got his name.”
“It’s a bit harder to thank him without that,” a light green mare agreed, similarly ignoring the guard’s protest.
Spike looked up at Twilight. “A little unicorn fellow. That sounds like your friend.”
“He’s only my friend if he’s not in trouble with a foreign kingdom,” Twilight muttered. She trotted over to the pair of ponies at the gate. “Was he a Pinto stallion? Kind of mint-colored?”
The stallion grinned. “That sounds like him! If he ain’t here, he must’ve gotten in too.”
“Probably a lot easier for a smooth talker like him,” the mare said. “He talked that guard into letting us in without a problem.” She paused, taking in Twilight’s horn and wings. “Uh, not that there were any kind of problems, princess.”
“Sounds like he’s in trouble with a foreign kingdom,” Spike deadpanned. Fluttershy nodded.
Twilight turned to the deer guard. “We’re going in there to find him.”
“Miss,” the guard said, “we cannot let anypony in without proper docum-”
“Take it up with Princess Celestia,” Twilight cut him off, stomping past the guards. “Come on. Let’s go find Wits before he gets himself in more trouble.”
Spike skipped along, entering after Twilight. “This is exciting! I’ve never broken into another country before!”
“I wish it wasn’t so exciting,” Fluttershy mumbled, following behind them.
* * *
A glob of wet sand hit the ground as Purple Heart climbed up and out of the crater. He wiped his lips with a foreleg and swallowed, trying to lubricate his parched throat.
“Frackin’ sand,” he swore as he mounted the lip of the crater. “I hate sand. It’s coarse and rough and gets everywhere. Absolutely messes with saliva production if it gets in your mouth and it's a right nag when it gets in your eyes. I hate sand.” Lifting a leg, he shielded his eyes as he peered around. Sand dunes stretched on into the horizon to the north, east, and south. A massive cliff dominated his view of the west. Up the cliff-face, Purple Heart could see the telltale signs of a furrow at the highest ledge where the trees peaked.
He let out a low whistle and panned his gaze down to the crater he’d just vacated.
“Last time, I didn’t make near as big a hole, if one at all,” he mused, recalling his other instance of rapidly descending to earth. He looked at the sand around him and groaned.
“I have no memory of this place,” he grumbled. He looked skyward. “Any chance this is another of Discord’s little jokes? Huh? Cos if it is, a sandcrawler right about now would be marvelous.”
No response. Just a gentle breeze brushing across the dunes.
“Well carp,” Purple Heart groaned. “Best start walking.” He set off, hugging the cliff-face to the west. The sun was beating down on him and with any luck, afternoon hours would soon settle in, allowing him to cool off in the shadow of the cliff. The first thing he needed to do was get out of this blasted desert and find some locals to get some idea of where he was. If he was indeed back in the game world, his best bet was to find a way to Gallopilli. A shudder rippled down his body. Amber Glitter would be there. That would be an interesting conversation. Painful too.
Purple Heart cocked his head as a thought struck him. What if this was Equestria proper, the original world the Mane Six belonged to? His best choice then would be to get to Ponyville so Twilight could sort out this mess. Purple Heart was getting tired of being a colored pony. Any chance there was of returning home and staying there permanently was a chance he’d take.
He looked over his shoulder, a pensive expression on their face as he considered the possibilities. A color shift caught his attention and he glanced down. His eyes widened and, unbeknownst to him, flashed green ever so briefly. Imprinted on his flank was a cutie mark: a tree with a pair of masks hanging from its branches.
“The hell is this...” Purple Heart whispered, staring at his marked flank. He looked skyward. “What is this? Some kind of joke?” Again, no response.
Purple Heart’s eyes narrowed and he returned his gaze to his hindquarters. He recognized this mark. Something was twitching at the back of his mind that he’d seen this before. He just couldn’t remember where. Shaking his head, he focused on walking, scanning the horizon for any sign of civilization or settlement that would get him out of this blasted sand trap.
Hours passed. The sun slipped behind the trees at the top of the cliff and Purple Heart let out a relieved sigh. Once again possessing a purple hide, he wasn’t all that interested in finding out what a sunburned colt looked like. Or felt for that matter.
“You lost, friend?”
Purple Heart did not jump in surprise. He didn’t squawk like a cat with a trodden tail. And he certainly didn’t send the male pegasus who’d surprised him barreling into the cliff-face.
“Owowowowowow! What the Hades! That hurt!” the blonde-maned, dark brown colt whined.
Purple Heart stared at the colt, chest heaving as adrenaline pumped through his body.
“Euuuuuh,” he droned. “Sorry about that.”
“I hope you are!” the colt snapped, falling out of the colt-shaped imprint. He stretched his wings, flexing them to feel if there was any damage. “That hurt!”
“Eh, walk it off,” Purple Heart shrugged. “You’ll be fine.” He blinked. Then he looked at the wincing colt before him.
“You!”
The colt balked, slowly turning his head to stare at Purple Heart. “Me?”
“You can help me get out of this blasted desert, can’t you?!” Purple Heart demanded, studying forward to grab the colt by the shoulders.
“I-I-I guess I ca-” the colt barely managed to stammer out a few words when Purple Heart started shaking him.
“Where even the blasted carp am I?!” he bellowed into the poor colt’s face. “And who are you?!”
“S-stop sh-sh-shaking me, p-p-p-please!” the colt groaned. “I’m g-gonna h-h-hurl!”
Purple Heart let go and the colt slumped to the ground, eyes squeezed shut as he tried to acclimate to being still again.
“Sorry about that,” Purple Heart said smoothly. “It's been a rough day.”
“Yeah,” the colt wheezed in agreement. “Mine too.” He straightened and held out a hoof. “The name’s Buck Skykicker.”
Purple Heart’s face was a rictus of a grin as he mechanically shook the younger colt’s hoof.
“Purple Heart,” he replied stiffly.
“You’re not from around here, are you?” Skykicker asked, squinting at the large earth pony.
“Verily not,” Purple confirmed. “Care to share where we are?”
Skykicker snorted. “Well,” he said, “if there’s a civilized part of Equestria, you’re at the point it's farthest from.” He looked out at the desert to the east, missing Purple Heart’s massive eye roll and silent groan. “The oasis settlement of Anchorhoof is about a league or so into the Badlands and the underground trade hub of Moss Equus is just around that jutting cliff.” The pegasus jerked a hoof further south at a peninsula of the cliff.
He turned back to Purple Heart. “I’d recommend against going to Moss Equus,” Skykicker warned. “You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
The purple earth pony arched an eyebrow at the young pegasus. “Practice that in the mirror, do you?” he drawled.
Skykicker blushed. “Just something one of the elders likes to say,” he said.
“Ahuh,” Purple grunted. “I think I’ll head toward Anchorhoof then.”
Skykicker grinned. “I’m going that way myself. Want me to show you the way?”
“Yes please.”
“With any luck, we’ll be there by dusk,” the pegasus said, turning eastward. “Barring any unexpected encounters.”
Purple Heart frowned. “Unexpected encounters?” he echoed. “Like what?”
“Well, there’s all manner of creatures hiding in the Badlands,” Skykicker replied cheerfully. “But the ones you have to worry about are the Tusken Raiders.”
Purple Heart balked. “Tusken… Raiders?”
“Yeah. They aren’t bad or anything like that. Just a brigade that got separated from an invading army or something a long time ago. If anything, the worst they do is eat all the food and drink all the cactus juice.”
“...Right. Sounds like they drank a little too much cactus juice if you ask me,” Purple Heart muttered.
“I say, good pony, but do you happen to have any victuals about? I am asking politely now so that I do not have to get violent later,” a rumbling voice asked from behind the two colts.
Purple Heart and Skykicker stiffened, slowly turning around to see a number of elephants materialize in front of the cliff-face. The lead elephant towered above them, large pale tusks shining in the vanishing sunlight. A round red cap perched atop his gray head at a jaunty angle and did nothing to match the stiff grin on the elephant’s face.
“Uhhh,” the two colts chorused.
“I am Colonel Hathi, commanding officer of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade of Their Majesties’ Desert Army,” the lead elephant introduced himself, saluting with a stick the length of Purple’s foreleg and a fourth as thick. “I must implore you to provide any and all supplies you might possess so that my patrol and I may continue our hunt with full stomachs.”
Purple Heart leaned sideways and whispered to Skykicker. “What do they usually do if you don’t give them food and juice?”
“They challenge the town to a duel and leave if they lose,” Skykicker replied.
“And if they win?”
“They take the supplies and prisoners.”
“Ahuh. Good to know.”
Purple Heart stepped forward, gulping silently as he gave a silent prayer to ask for Wits End’s assistance in this act of BS-ery.
“Greetings, Colonel,” Purple Heart said. “I’ve been searching for you or one of your fellow officers for some time now.” Hathi blinked, his stick tapping the top of his head.
“Ahh… you have?”
“Of course I have!” Purple Heart smiled widely. “I’m the new liaison to Their Majesty’s Desert Army! I’ve been walking around this ghastly desert for nearly a week without any luck and now I’ve finally found you!”
“Ahh… you have.”
“Their Majesty’s are worried about you and your troops being out here for so long,” Purple Heart said considerately. “I can’t begin to imagine how long you’ve been patrolling with no reprieve.”
Hathi puffed himself up and Purple Heart resisted the urge to gulp at the towering grey behemoth before him. “Their Majesties’ need not worry about us!” the Colonel boomed. “We elephants are perfectly built for this kind of mission! One hundred years in a desert would have driven a battalion of ponies mad!”
Purple Heart’s eyes widened. “Most impressive,” he whistled. “And during all this time, you’ve not forgotten your mission?”
“Of course not!” Hathi huffed. Several of the elephants behind him scoffed derisively and Purple Heart resisted the urge to scowl at them.
Hathi leaned forward, brought his face bare inches away from Purple’s nose, and closed an eye while focusing on the earth pony before him with the other. “Remember: An elephant never forgets!”
Purple Heart blinked twice at the eye half the size of his face and nodded slowly. “My mistake.” He stepped back, clearing his personal space of several tonnes of elephant, idly noting Skykicker moving to hide behind him. “Might I be so bold as to inquire on the status of your mission?”
Hathi sighed heavily, scratching at an ear with his stick as he straightened.
“Unfortunately, it appears that we have stalled out, so to speak,” the Colonel stated. “Our quarry has remained elusive for about ten years now. The other officers and myself all agree that we have not exterminated them from the region. There are still reports from across the Badlands of our quarry’s passing. We never seem to be able to pursue and successfully capture them before they vanish into the Wastes.”
“What are you hunting?” Purple Heart asked.
“Womp rats.”
The purple earth pony blinked. “Ah. Womp rats?”
“Well, technically they are called Rattus Magnus, but we of the 5th Pachyderm Brigade call them Womp rats because of the sound they make when we step on them,” the Colonel elaborated. “Skittish little things that hide in transportation boxes. They like to make a meal of just about anything they can get their claws on. We have routed a number of nests over the course of our mission, but we can never seem to eradicate them completely.”
“Hum...” Purple Heart mused. “Well then...” He looked up at Colonel Hathi. “My suggestion would be to stand down until I’ve received instructions from Their Majesties. Start enacting furlow protocols and rationing if you already haven’t. I’ll make my way to Canterlot to appraise them of the current status of the mission.”
Hathi puffed up again. “I must inform the liaison that we only take orders from Their Majesties’ or a General of the Royal Guard,” the elephant colonel stated.
“And I must inform the Colonel that this is a recommendation and not an order,” Purple Heart snapped back. “I may be retired from the Guard, but that does not mean you can push me around, Colonel Hathi. I suggest you stand. Down.”
“I am ignoring your suggestion, liaison,” Hathi sneered, “and shall continue to perform at combat capability until our mission is complete or we are dead.”
Purple Heart scowled. “Stubborn old fart,” he muttered. He raised his voice. “Colonel Hathi.” His eyes glowed green and strings flicked from his chest to connect to the elephant colonel’s leg.
“Stand. Down.”
Colonel Hathi blinked. “Yes, sir.” He turned to address his patrol, ignoring the stunned colts behind him. “Let us get on with it, troops. Back to Base Camp.” The previously standing at ease elephants straightened before the Colonel. “Right face!” Clouds of dust burst into the air as the elephants turned into single file. “Forward, march!” Perfectly in sync, the patrol marched off to the cadence called out by the sergeant. Hathi turned back to Purple Heart, whose mouth was still hanging open.
“The Officers and I shall await further instruction, sir,” the elephant colonel stated. Tucking his stick behind an enormous ear, Hathi turned and marched off after his troops, leaving the two colts alone in the shadow of the cliff-face.
“Are you really the new liaison to the Desert Army?” Skykicker asked as the patrol vanished over the dunes.
Purple Heart didn’t say anything as his attention was on the strings sprouting from his chest. “Hmm...”
“Purple Heart?” Skykicker prompted, tapping the colt on the shoulder.
“Hmm?” The purple earth pony looked at the pegasus.
“Are you really the new liaison to the Desert Army?” Skykicker repeated, trying to hide his excitement.
Purple Heart’s brow quirked, and he gave the younger colt a small smile.
“I take it you want to join the Royal Guard?” Purple Heart asked, glancing at his shivering companion.
Skykicker wilted slightly. “Want to, yeah,” he confirmed. “Can is a whole other thing. My uncle needs my help on the farm and I’m loath to leave him alone doing all the work by himself.” Purple Heart hummed.
“Well, if I ever encounter an evil empire, I’ll let you know,” he promised with a chuckle. Skykicker blinked at him.
“Huh?” he grunted intelligently.
“Nothing.” Purple Heart waved a dismissive hoof. “I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you, sir. Shall I escort you to Moss Equus?”
Purple Heart shook his head, pulling the strings back into his chest.
“It's getting too late. We can go in the morning,” he said. “I wouldn’t say no to bunking at your village.” A grin curved his lips. “I can promise I won’t challenge them to a duel in exchange for food.”
Buck Skykicker snorted a laugh and he nodded. “I can do that, sir.” He pointed with a wing towards the east, perpendicular to the elephants moving north. “We’ll be there around nightfall.”
Purple Heart nodded and the two started walking over the dunes. He looked down, blinking at the string that poked out from his shoulder.
“That’s very interesting...” he murmured softly.
* * *
“The Talon Mercenaries have already laid claim to this farm, so you Bowgunners can just blow away,” the griffon said, shoving the minotaur standing in front of him.
“You little birds couldn’t keep us away from your roost. What makes you think you can keep us from the plunder of this little farm?” The minotaur snarled, getting down onto one knee and snorting into the face of the griffon, who backpedaled as he wiped his face. He moved to respond, but was cut off when a young mare jumped between the two.
“If you fight here there, won’t be anything for you to take! You’ll just destroy what you’re trying to-” The mare was hauled back away by an older stallion.
“Winter Sun, I told you to go help pack. There ain’t no way this isn’t gonna end in a fight.” The older stallion frowned, trying to push his daughter away from the now leering bandits.
“But we need to make them realize; fighting here and now will only destroy what little they might be interested in plundering,” Winter Sun replied as she struggled to free herself from her dad’s grip
“It’s not about the food or money anymore now, so get back to the house and help pack.” He told his daughter again, cutting her off. The griffon leader used one of his paws to crush one of the winter melons near him before laughing. The rest of the griffons also joined in, either in laughter or crushing.
“Stop wasting our food!” the minotaur leader thundered as he threw himself back to his standing position. A female minotaur joined him, grinning sadistically as she hefted a warhammer. “Then again, even if you crush a bunch... Melon never did go good with poultry, did it Minnie?” The female minotaur shook her head.
“Pray to your gods, because no guards, reinforcements, or mysterious strangers will save you this time,” The griffon leader said, drawing his own weapon.
Both sides started to advance towards each other as the ponies ran towards the main farmhouse. All froze like the snow around them when a short guitar riff echoed across the valley.
“What the... Where’d this hat come from?” a new voice asked, drawing the attention of all present. Between the ponies, but not quite between the griffons and minotaurs, now stood a grey stallion wearing a brown fedora and a long brown trench coat. The pony took the hat off, looking at it before he looked up, and the three groups could notice the streak of pink that ran through the otherwise brown hair. “This coat would have been nice to have had a bit ago too,” he muttered more quietly, wrapping it a little tighter.
“Where did…” Winter Sun’s father sputtered. “That spot was just empty.”
“Not many who can teleport,” the griffon leader said, looking appraisingly at the stallion. “Especially those that ain’t unicorns. I gotta wonder what other bits of gear that coat of ours is hiding.”
“Your coat? So this pony is a part of your mercs... You afraid to operate without a pony to hold your talons, Solosun?” the minotaur leader jeered, earning a laugh from his cohorts.
“I’m saying our coat because I’m sure this pony is smart enough to pick the winning team,” the griffon bit back. “Unlike yours, Grill”
“So you're saying he’ll join us then?” Minnie quipped back, a smirk just peeking out from underneath her nose-ring.
“Uh, what?” the grey pony smartly replied, having just noticed he wasn’t still alone in the snow. He looked around, noticing the two farm ponies before he looked behind himself. His eyes locked on the two bandit groups arguing over him.
“Well, what’s it gonna be, little pony? Are you gonna join the winners? Or birds?” The minotaur asked, her face close enough for her breath to be felt on the grey stallion’s face. He sat down, fighting the urge to lift up his hooves and try to warm them in the breath.
“I, uh.” Light Patch looked between the two bandit leaders. Both were crowding his personal space, and alternating between glaring at each other, and questioningly glaring at him. “Either hug me so I can warm up, or get out of my personal space and give me time to thaw my frozen brain. I’ve been stuck in the middle of this frozen waste so long I can’t barely even feel anything!” he shouted, causing the two to back off before he could drag them in to try and steal their warmth.
“Fine, I guess we can give you a little time to warm up,” Solosun said. “Not like any of this is going anywhere. Go get yourself warm, then you can help us show these uppity cows the dirt they belong in.” With that, the griffons walked back through the snow to their camp at one of the far ends of the field; crushing winter melons as they went. The minotaur bandits wheeled about and went back to their camp at the same time.
Light Patch looked between the two bandits’ camps before he turned to look at the two farm ponies.
“I’ve only ever seen one other family that could do... that,” Winter Sun’s father said with a vague motion towards Light Patch. “You’re not one of the Pie family, are you?”
“Nope, Light Patch. But Pinkie Pie is one of my friends. Mind if we finish this while I’m warming up in your house?” Light Patch asked, pointing towards the house that the rest of the family was gathered around. “Besides, it looks like you’ve got a bit of a bandit problem for me to help you with.”
“You’ll help us save the farm?” Winter Sun asked, looking at him in awe.
“What can you possibly do?” the filly’s father asked, looking skeptically at the stallion.
“With some help from you and your family, I think we can rig the game before they even start,” Light Patch replied with a grin.
A few minutes later, Light Patch and the farmers had gathered in their house. Light Patch was next to the fireplace in which a small fire burned. He nibbled at the last bits of food on his plate. “Thanks for the meal, Glacial Hue,” he replied with a nod to the mare standing next to Perma Frost, Winter Sun’s father.
“You said you had a way to rig the fight against them?” The stallion answered with a question, staring hard at the grey pegasus. “I’m not agreeing to anything yet, but if you have a way to keep them from tearing the place apart, I’m all ears.” Light Patch’s ears flicked a little at the mention of said body part, and forced himself to simply nod.
“I’m not much of a crafty per- pony,” he corrected himself, “and I really wish a friend of mine, whose better at all of this, was here. But yeah, I do have a couple of ideas we could use to try and weaken both groups, hopefully making it easier to deal with them all.” Light Patch continued before finishing off his plate of food.
“So where do we begin?” Winter Sun eagerly asked.
“You know, both of those groups were looking less than pleased at fighting in the farm’s fields. In fact, they looked like they could all do with a decent meal.”
“You’re suggesting we feed the ones about to destroy the farm Gacial Hue’s family has spent so long building up,” Perma Frost stated dourly.
“Yes, but what a shame; you were in such a hurry to try and ingratiate yourselves to them that you cut a few corners on the food prep,” Light Patch said sweetly, his face a mask of innocence and concern except for the evil grin. “Maybe some pony didn’t wash their hooves. Maybe something slightly moldy got used. I do hope not too many of them become sick.”
“That is, if you can even get the griffins to eat any of it,” mentioned one of the other family members, whose name had escaped Light Patch.
“Few would be able to resist a warm warm winter melon pie on this cold day,” Glacial Hue replied for Light Patch, already making her way to the kitchen. “I’ll need help, and probably more melons than we have in the house though.”
“That's okay,” Light Patch continued. “That need plays into another idea of mine. I think it’s probably a little early to harvest, but if they do end up fighting in that field, you’ll need all of the bits and seeds you can spare to rebuild and resow the farm after their fight. A small winter melon is better than none. So, of course, you're trying to pick as many as you can. You’ll wanna be careful though: haste makes waste. And with the snow, any holes not refilled or rakes lost in the drifts could become quite the hazard.”
Perma Frost allowed a ghost of his smile to grace his muzzle. “It’s risky, but if it works it’ll save the farm. And if it fails... Well, we were gonna lose the farm anyway.” He said before gathering up several of the ponies and leading them out to the fields.
Winter Sun looked expectantly at Light Patch, waiting for the next idea. After a minute of silence, she finally spoke up. “Well? What other ideas do you have?”
Light Patch blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. “That was it,” he sheepishly admitted.
Winter Sun looked speculatively at Light Patch before she cautiously asked. “Have you ever made stink bombs?” At the shaking of his head, she continued. “You wanna learn how?” she asked, smiling the smile that only a trouble maker could achieve.
Several intense hours of chemistry later, Light Patch now knew more than he’d maybe ever wanna know about making stink bombs; as well as a few other bits the young mare thought might be useful. He happily noted that the farmers had come up with a few of their own ideas, and had implemented them as well during all of that.
He was pleased to note that it had a clear effect, as when the two bandit groups faced off against each other again were significantly smaller. He passed by the famers standing up around the house, waiting for the battle to finish so they could sweep out the remaining bandits if possible.
All except for Perma Frost, who’d helped to take the pies out earlier, and was still there hoping to convince the two groups to just walk away from the fight. “You seem to be short several members. Even with this stallion's assistance, I doubt this battle will truly be as decisive as you’d like. Please, just take some food and go.”
Solosun grimaced and started to say something, before burping and clutching his stomach. After a moment, he was able to speak again, “You're right. We could still beat these blowgunners, but it wouldn’t shut them down.”
“Hah.” Grill attempted to give a boisterous laugh, before it was cut off by a burp that sounded dangerously close to much worse things. “You couldn’t fight your way out of a paper bag.” The minotaur then turned to glare at Light Patch and Perma Frost. “Even with the pony’s help. Then again, he’s already made it clear whose side he’s picked.”
“I have?” Light Patch took a step back in surprise. As sick as the minotaur was, he still towered over Light Patch.
“Don’t think we weren’t dumb enough to watch you farmers and make sure you didn’t strike a deal with the Blowgunners to help them,” the griffon leader spat back.
“Our scout saw your hurried attempt to save the food. Wasteful of tools, but then again most can easily be replaced or repaired. But to bring us food? A nice gesture... Or a Trotjan attack when we started getting sick.” The minotaur growled as he held his stomach.
“What you didn’t count on,” Solosun continued where the minotaur left off, “was for our standing forces to immediately go to attack each other, only to notice the same problem. Why would they be sick if they had used you ponies to poison us? It was then they started to compare notes. And the scouts started to chip in with some... strange things they’d noticed.”
Light Patch’s pupils shrank, and Perma Frost backed several paces away.
“I hate admitting that I can’t wipe out the Talon mercenaries right here and now,” Grill stated, “but with them... We should easily be able to clear you lot out easily.” The minotaurs, still healthy enough, or just angry enough, to fight moved forward, alongside the still healthy griffons.
Light Patch quickly jumped in front of Perma Frost and looked back at him. “Run,” he said, his tongue rasping against the dry insides of his mouth.
“But you’ll,” Perma Frost started to counter.
“It was my dumb idea. I…” He choked on his words and swallowed. “Save your family,” he said simply, before turning to face the hoof-full of bandits all bearing down on him.
Minnie charged at Light Patch, her battleaxe raised to chop him in half. Having telegraphed the swing, Light Patch had plenty of time to jump to the side, and he quickly swung his hoof into the minotaur’s side. He was rewarded with a disappointed grunt from the minotaur. And a sore hoof. “Oh, that does not bode well,” he said, instinctively using his wings to jump over a thrust of griffon spears.
He froze his wings and fell, his hooves connecting with one of the spears and breaking it. The rest were pulled clear of his attack. Still inside of the griffons’ spears, he lunged out at one of them and his hoof connected with a helmet, giving him another sore hoof.
A grunt, and he turned to find himself square in the path of a huge battle axe. He closed his eyes and barely had a chance to even think before he heard the battle axe thud into the ground. He opened an eye, and found himself looking at his own reflection in the battle axe’s polished side.
“What?” The minotaur was surprised, having been sure her attack was on point. The other standing bandits murmured but focused on finishing him off.
In the reflection of the axe, Light saw the spears coming for him again and started to move, but suddenly found himself on the other side, listening to the spears ping off or snap as they hit the axe. He stood up on his hind legs and peaked over the top of the axe to the other side.
“I’ve been hanging around Pinkie too much,” he said, blinking before smirking. He reached into a bag Winter Sun had given him and threw one of the stink bombs. Several of the bandits backed off, holding their noses. Several on the sides who’d just been watching suddenly dropped and started to retch.
A roar of anger brought his attention back to the minotaur female, whose fist was rocketing towards his face. Using his wings, he jumped up, causing her fist to slam into her own axe. The minotaur gasped and dropped to her knees.
“Awe, that sounded painful. Let me just kiss it and make it better,” Light Patch mocked, leaning and giving the back of her hand a quick peck before ducking under her wild counter swing.
The sound of spears brought his attention back to the griffons that had spread out. “Oh look, the birds wanna play too,” he said, trying to goad them into the same anger.
He continued to use his new powers to duck and weave around their merry go round of stabyness. His ability to dodge the blows grew more and more precise as he quickly gained familiarity with his abilities. The one thing he was lacking, and wished he’d had, was a hammer of his own. Feeling a twinge, he reached behind himself, only for his hooves to feel a familiar handle.
The bandits gasped at the sudden appearance of a hammer. Light Patch just gave a bark of laughter. “The hammer space is strong with this one.” He looked around, taking advantage of the break in combat, which caused him to catch a glimpse of a couple of griffons who’d noticed Winter Sun trying to drag the cart loaded with the family's possessions. The young mare, however, hadn’t noticed the griffons coming for her.
Without a thought, Light Patch did the only thing he could think of. With a quick spin, he threw his hammer towards the bandits. With satisfaction, he watched the hammer kiss the feathers on the back of the neck of one ,and smash the spear of the other. Winter Sun heard the commotion and turned to see the stunned griffons. With a squeak of surprise, she threw her pouch of stink bombs towards them and bolted.
Light Patch’s smile gleaned as he turned back to the fight; just in time for Minnie’s fist to slam into his face and send him sprawling. This was the signal for the other bandits to pounce in on him and start wailing away. Light suddenly found all of his powers non functional, and did the only thing he left that he could: he curled up into a ball as he tried to weather the kicks, punches, and spear butts assailing him.
“Enough.” Solosun casually walked closer, the various bandits parting to allow him to approach the grey ball that was Light Patch. “You tried to save this farm and its inhabitants. I must commend your sacrifice. You did save the family.” As he spoke, the Talon Mercenary leader grabbed the pegasus and lifted him gently to his hooves, before using his claws to force Light Patch to look towards the farmhouse.
He watched the bandits pick through the cart, grabbing a few items that they were interested in and smashing the rest. Others were busy looting or smashing up the rest of the farm.
“But you failed the farm,” the other bandit leader said before he held a torch out to the minotaur with the battleaxe. With a nod, said minotaur quickly walked up to the house and, without a second thought, chucked the lit torch through the window. Within minutes, the house was burning merrily.
“It’d be nice to stick around and watch this place burn to the ground,” the torch bearer minotaur said to her leader. The griffon leader added a strike of his own to Light Patch before dropping him.
“While I agree, you should make yourself as scarce as we’re about to. Somebeing else will see that smoke and report it, and town guards or some kind of anti-bandit militia will be here before it’s finished, I assure you.” The griffon leader said before shouting to get his unit, breaking their camp and getting ready to move.
“What of the pony?” Grill asked. The rest of the conversation quickly ended up outside of Light’s reduced ability to hear over the new ringing in his ears. Instead, he kept watch on the house. His vision swam with color as the fire spread.
He lay there watching it burn, feeling like he should be worried, or sorrowful, but the various pains and numbness settling in because of the snow dulled his mind and left it mostly blank. After a few quiet minutes of continuing to just watch the house burn, he arduously began to drag himself towards the house through the snow, the heat of the inferno growing warmer. The snow around him started to also shrink away until, finally, the heat started to become unbearable. He stopped and let his tired body flop over onto its side, his swollen eye resting on the snow. Once again, he laid there in the rapidly melting snow, just watching the house burn.
Barely even noticing that it had begun to snow again.