Kirk and Spock quickly made their way back to the bridge. Kirk’s mood had become distinctly sour, although Spock, being a Vulcan, always had approximately the same mood and was apparently nonplussed by the events that had just occurred.
“Today was going so well,” sighed Kirk. “We reached the planet, saw their first warp flight. This was a First Contact, Spock, it wasn’t supposed to go like this.” He groaned. “It’s like getting halfway through your breakfast cereal and finding a tribble in it. Or ordering coffee, black, iced and getting tea, Earl Grey, hot.”
“We have not yet ascertained that this was their first warp flight or merely an early one, the tribble is in fact edible if you peel it, and I find coffee to be a repugnant substance,” replied Spock. “I do, however, appreciate the humble ingenuity of breakfast cereal.”
Kirk stared at Spock as the turbolift came to a stop. “Well I suppose that explains where all my Captain’s Crunch went.”
“We have a replicator, Captain. And I am sure that one day you will, in fact, learn how to use it. If you truly apply yourself.”
The turbolift opened, and Kirk stepped out.
“Captain on the Bridge!”
Kirk took his seat and assessed the situation. Needless to say, the situation was bad.
The ship had been moved back to the planet and was now in orbit around the planet’s moon. It was visible on the viewscreen, with the verdant planet below taking up most of the background. Truly a beautiful sight, although Kirk hardly had time to appreciate it.
“Captain,” said Uhura. “The planet is hailing us on an audio-visual UHF frequency.”
Kirk sighed. “Put them through.”
The screen flickered and suddenly revealed the sight of a pair of enormous eyes staring too closely at a grainy, primitive camera. The owner of the eyes immediately looked up at a screen and, with a squeak, recoiled in horror.
There were three of them in what appeared to be a control room or bridge, although Kirk doubted they were on a ship. One of them, the one in the center, was a pony not unlike the one that was now with Bones—except that instead of being a unicorn, she had a pair of orange wings threaded through an almost anachronistic military uniform. One of her assistants also bore wings, but the other was gray and lacked either a horn or wings. That one seemed to be the most terrified of them all.
“Sweet Celestia, aliens! They’re even more hideous than we thought they were!”
“Sir, they can hear us!”
The commander blinked. "Lieutenant Blossomforth, I am sure they are quite aware of how butt-ugly they are.” She cleared her throat and faced the screen, frowning deeply.
“I am General-Commander Spitfire of the Equestrian Space Force,” she said, her voice simultaneously raspy and almost child-like. “You have attacked our prototype FTL vessel and captured Command-Wizard Moondancer. This is an act of war. You will return her at once, alive and unprobbed, or suffer the consequences of complete and utter destruction and our hooves!”
Kirk stood up. “I am Captain Kirk of the Federation vessel Enterprise--”
“I do not care who or what you are, give her back or suffer the consequences!” She smiled threateningly. “In case you haven’t noticed, we have our planet’s four-megawatt Pegasus space-laser pointed directly at you! Do what we tell you or we’ll punch so many holes in your ship it’ll whistle when it goes through space!”
“Or at the very least,” squeaked the shy gray pony, “we will severely spoil your ship’s paint.”
Kirk looked to Spock. Spock was leaning over ensign Chekov’s sensor results. The ensign looked terrified, but Spock was not bothered in the slightest.
“Spock?”
“There is, indeed, an orbital platform that appears to contain a power signature.”
“And?”
“And the surface of the Enterprise is mostly unpainted.”
One of the subordinate horses gasped in horror, looking up at her screen but apparently farther down at the bridge toward the front. She almost shoved over her commander to get a closer look.
“Commander, look! We’re too late! They’ve already captured an adorable Abyssinian maiden and are forcing her to wear an inappropriately short skirt! They have deprived her of her basic right to PANTS!”
Spitfire gasped in horror, looking enraged, while Kirk looked around the bridge attempting to find who she meant. Eventually all eyes on the bridge fell to M’Ress, who looked as confused as the rest of them.
M’Ress faced the screen. “I am Caitian, I am afraid there must be a mistake--”
“What if they’ve dressed the Command-Wizard in fetish gear too?! What if they’re that kind of aliens?! They could have dressed her in socks and a tight saddle!”
“And blinders,” said the gray equine, her eyes widening and her breathing becoming more heavy. “And a bit...and lots and lots of leather...and they ride her around and beat her with a riding crop--”
“Petty-officer Marble, stop giving them ideas!”
Marble recoiled. “But what if—what if they’ve already laid their eggs in her? What if we get her back and—and she bursts open when we try to eat breakfast and a little Captain Kirk shoots out of her chest!?”
“STOP GIVING THEM IDEAS!” She shoved Marble off her chair, then faced the screen. “If you laid eggs in our Command-Wizard, I will personally squeeze the juices from you, you dirty alien! How dare you touch her or even get your filthy eggs near her various organs!”
“We don’t lay eggs! And there’s been a misunderstanding! Your ship lost warp-field integrity. We engaged to rescue the pilot. She is here, with us. She’s badly injured but safe, we can return--”
“A likely story! That’s exactly what alien invaders would say! I know why you’re here, Captain Kirk of the Federation! You’re here to steal our mares and trample our crops!”
“And probe us,” suggested the gray pony, only to be shoved out of her chair again.
“I’m not going to take the risk! I’m firing my laser, NOW!”
As soon as she said it, the door behind her snapped open and a tall equine in gold and white-armor entered. His face could not be seen behind his mask.
“What is the meaning of this, how dare you interrupt me during firing my laser to defend the planet from the theft of our mares and trampling of our--”
The equine gave her a letter, then departed.
Spitfire, not having hands, dexterously bit the letter open and unfolded it with her hooves and mouth. She read it quickly, muttering to herself, and then her eyes grew wide.
She sighed. “Because of course there’s an SOP for this.” She looked up to the viewscreen. “This matter has officially been pushed above my paygrade. Consider yourself lucky, alien.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that apparently the Princesses foresaw this possibility. There is therefore a written procedure for how to interact with you.” She paused, then her face scrunched. “I am technically supposed to apologize for being rude, although I’m making a judgment call not to. In any effect Princess Celestia wishes to immediately engage diplomatic relations with you. A process she will see to personally.”
“And we would be honored to pursue that channel. Thank you. I understand that this...and our appearance might be surprising to you. But please know we never meant you any harm.”
Spitfire glared at her. “I have no way to know that. So let me give you some advice, Captain Kirk of the Federation of Planets. If our Command-Wizard is harmed in any way, even slightly, this will all be over. For you. Princess Celestia is a being of limitless kindness and softness. Princess Luna is not so forgiving. And far softer.”
The transmission cut out. Kirk flopped back into his chair.
“Well, that went better than expected.” He took a breath, then stood up again. “This is a diplomatic mission now. Spock and M’Ress, start making preparations to beam down. Uhura, you’ll have the bridge. I’ll need a report on their culture and constant monitoring.”
M’Ress swiveled in her chair. “Captain?”
“You have communications and diplomacy training. And apparently you look like a species on their planet, so they might be more comfortable speaking to you. Because the rest of us are apparently ugly to them.”
“I would not feel so bad, Captain,” said Arex, looking over one of his three shoulders. “When I first witnessed a biped as a child, I cried for two days. Bipeds closely match the boogeyman of many of our ancient stories.” He stared at the screen, his eyes growing distant. “But quadrupeds...quadrupeds have a very different meaning.”
“Right.” Kirk started for the door, but stopped. “Also, lieutenant, find yourself some pants.”
“Captain,” said Spock. “Considering the sensitive nature of this diplomatic situation, I believe our greatest concern is the condition of their pilot. Her condition must be secured if success is even to be an option.”
Kirk smiled. “Don’t worry about that, Spock. Bones is the best doctor I’ve ever known. She’ll be back on all four feet in no time.”