//------------------------------// // Monologue // Story: A Study In Nonsense // by Professor Piggy //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle liked to talk. Everypony who knew her knew that – and it was cool, most of the time. Everypony liked blabbing to their friends, and that included Rainbow Dash. The problem wasn’t that Twi liked talking. It was just that, well…Twilight Sparkle was talking. No, that wasn’t quite right. Twilight Sparkle was still talking. Only that didn’t really do it justice. This wasn’t talking, not really. Well, it was – it just wasn’t proper, real talking. The kind that involved more than one pony. This was more like a speech. And not the fun kind, where everypony was talking about how they were big heroes or the town parade was being planned or everyone was saying how Rainbow Dash was totally awesome. This one was about history. Dash forced her attention back onto the unicorn, and tried her best to care ab – to listen to what the egghead was saying. “…and that’s how the first true union of the three different pony kingdoms came about – the war was violent and terrible – “ Her ears perked up. That sounded interesting – there was no way war stories could be boring, even war stories about stupid ponies who were killing each other for no reason. “ – rse the wedding ceremony was absolutely lovely, and it was attended by the greatest unicorn wizard of all time: Star –“ Ugh. Yeah, leave it to Twi to skip over the good stuff and start babbling about…whatever the heck it was she was babbling about now. “ – Muffin, who had baked the most beautiful, delicious cake known to ponydom – yes, Pinkie, known to ponydom until today. The cake was topped with ruby statues of the three brides, each carved by Princess Platinum herself – “ Okay. So, Star Muffin the wizard-baker who used her powers to make cakes, or something. She didn’t need history to hear about super powerful unicorns baking. Pinkie never shut up about all the times she and Twi tried baking, and Dash’s tail was still a little singed from the last time. Sure it sounded like Star Muffin could actually boil water without starting a fire, but she’d never be as cool, radical, or awesome as Twi. She’d probably never been as boring as Twi could be either. Dash wondered whether that was a point in her favour, or against her. I mean, she’d never be Twi. But at the same time, she’d probably know when to stop talking. Like Pinkie! Pinkie never shut up. Ever. Not unless you told her to. But if you did tell her to, she giggled and laughed and was quiet, just for you. That didn’t work with Twi. When you told her to be quiet she got grumpy, or upset, and you had to waste time explaining that no, you didn’t hate her and no, most of the time she wasn’t boring and heck, her eggheadedness was even kinda cute. Things she should know. She’d tried to make that argument, once – that just cause she didn’t like her lectures much, didn’t mean she didn’t love Twi. Twi had smiled and told her that watching Dash practice was a little boring. That’d been kinda jerkish of her – Dash was pretty sure she’d said it just to hurt her feelings, so she hadn’t talked to her until she apologised. There was no way anypony didn’t think watching her was awesome. So she knew – beyond any doubt – that Twi wouldn’t listen to reason: you just couldn’t make dumb genius ponies use their big dumb genius brains. So she was just stuck sitting there, listening. “- an ancient Pegasus war dance first performed by Private Pansy, and some kind of…it says here ‘unholy affront unto ponydom’… invented by Chancellor Puddinghead. Apparently Smart Cookie had to actually do it though – Puddinghead was officiating – “ She glanced over at Pinkie, hoping to catch the pink pony’s eye and…she didn’t know, play I spy or something. But that turned out to be a bust, just like always. Unlike her, Pinkie seemed to really enjoy Twi’s speeches. Emphasis on seemed to. She sat right in the front row of the little bunch of cushions that the unicorn’d rolled out – insisting they would need every last one for the ponyville history club. Or society. Or whatever Twi called it. Whatever it was, it consisted of Twi, Dash, Pinkie, and the two times that Dash’d convinced her to come along so she’d have somepony to be bored with, Scootaloo. “- turned entirely into chocolate, but he was not happy. Legend says that when Discord looked upon the gift he shed a single tear, and was driven mad – “ So that left one pony who actually cared about history, the most awesome and most bored Pegasus in all of Equestria and…Pinkie. Pinkie, who was sat straight up in her front row seat with her eyes wide and a big smile on her cute pink face. Occasionally she’d pipe in with a question, which Twi would patiently answer. Pinkie was a good actress. But Dash saw the truth – the slight glaze in those bright blue eyes. The way the pink pony didn’t bounce even a little bit, the way she was actually sitting still for more than twenty seconds – Pinkie was doing exactly the same thing she was: drifting in just long enough to pretend she cared, then tuning out the rest. Dash was tempted to call her out on it – it’d been Pinkie who’d made her join Twi’s dumb history thing, because ‘it would make her happy.’ But then she’d just upset them both, and neither of them would thank her. And by thank, she meant kiss. Not being kissed would suck – if there was one thing that got her through these days, it was knowing smooches were coming at the end of it. “- and that’s the story of Equestria’s first three pony wedding! Obviously when we –“ She looked down at her hooves and slowly swept the left one across the ground, doodling little imaginary circles as she did. Twi. Her cutie mark. A cloud. Pinkie. Pinkie and Twi. Pinkie and Twi kissing. Tank. Tank again, but one that didn’t suck. Gummy dressed as Mare Do Well, riding Tank through the clouds. Celestia, she was bored. “ – and I was hoping that you girls might like to – “ Bored. Bored. Bored. Vaguely, she wondered how long Twi was gonna keep talking. It’d already been hours. Though the clock on the wall said it’d only been twenty minutes. Dash didn’t like that clock. It lied. Nopony lied to Rainbow Dash. She’d show that clock. “ – bow Dash – “ She was totally gonna change the time on the clock when she next pranked Twi. That’d confuse Twi and pay the clock back for its…what was that word Rarity liked….transgressions. Yeah, that sounded good. Suddenly, a sharp sound as Pinkie tumbled backwards from her cushion with a loud ‘whoopsie!’ The signal! Uh…um…whoopsie meant say yes, right? Dash snapped her head up, and as Pinkie climbed back to her hooves with a sheepish smile Dash shot Twi her best grin. “Oh yeah. Definitely.” She said easily. Twilight Sparkle smiled, then. “It’s settled then! I’ll confirm the tour for tomorrow – normally the Canterlot History Museum isn’t open on Sunday’s, but I asked the Princess and she arranged it especially for us! I knew you’d love it!” Rainbow Dash tried very hard to keep the smile on her face, and made a mental note to add Pinkie Pie to the list of ponies on her payback list.