//------------------------------// // Touching Mares for Science // Story: Short Hand // by Andrew Joshua Talon //------------------------------// With Ponyville's growth, a lot of handy ponies had moved in. And while I still got handyman jobs, and I had my work as a defense consultant for the Princesses, I was still left with a lot of free time. Free time that I perhaps unwisely decided to donate to Twilight's scientific study of... Well, me. Now, I know what you're thinking. Hadn't I learned my lesson by now? That the mad book pony princess was... Well... Mad? Yes, yes I knew. But she was still my friend. And I was literally the only human she had to study. What were a few shocks or horrible experiences next to aiding the cause of science? So far, this little experiment hadn't been so bad. I was sitting in Twilight's new study in her gaudy friendship castle, eating cookies and drinking tea. Twilight was next to me on the couch, all smiles. "So Shepherd, I have done a great deal of study into your physiology and biology," she began, "but I haven't done nearly as much study into your affect on ponies." "In what sense?" I asked, already feeling a bit of trepidation. Twilight beamed. "How you interact physically with ponies," she explained. I sighed. "Twilight? I'm not making a porno," I stated. Twilight spat out her tea in shock, and stared at me in disbelief. "What?! No! That-That's not what I meant-NO!" She stuttered. "Good, because I won't do anything like that," I stated. "I wasn't going to make you do anything like that!" Twilight insisted. "I mean, not without being well paid," I went on. Twilight's face, already flushed, turned an even brighter red. I could have sworn steam was coming out of her twitchy ears. "Wh-What?!" She squeaked. I shrugged, and sipped my tea before I continued. "And if I choose my partners," I went on, "and human form would help a lot. And..." I grinned as it looked like Twilight was about to faint. I decided to let her off the hook. "I'm kidding Twi, honest," I said, reaching out to pat her head. She shivered, and gave me a scowl without any heat behind it. "That wasn't funny, you know!" Twilight protested. "Yes it was," I said, scratching her behind her ears. She groaned, her eyes rolling back into her head. "Ohhh... Stop that~," she crooned, "I-I need to... Tell you about the... Experiment..." "Do you?" I asked. "Or would you prefer I scratch you behind your ears?" "Nnngh... Ohhh... I-I... Ohhhh..." Twilight tried to speak, but just kept moaning. Deeply and loudly enough I was blushing myself. I pulled my hand back, and Twilight took a few deep breaths to center herself. "Ahh... W-Well, uh, that's actually, um, related to... To that," Twilight managed. "I want to do some studies to understand why your hands affect mares so... Intensely." She smiled at me. "And I want to see if it will affect stallions in the same way!" "Uhhh," I began, making a face, "do we... Have to have me try it on stallions?" "You are our only human, you know," she pointed out. "You could just turn yourself into a human," I replied, raising an eyebrow. Twilight sighed. "If you're really that uncomfortable with it," she said, "I suppose we can just start with mares." "I'm just saying, if I made Big Mac... Er, 'feel good', it would be really awkward for both of us," I said, patting her hoof. Twilight nodded slowly. "I suppose," she said. She blushed a bit. "Although-" "Uh uh uh!" I stated, "you're already a manega fan. No need to go full fujoshi on me." "I'm just saying," Twilight insisted, "I need to be as thorough about scientific exploration as possible!" I sighed and patted her on the head again. "I'm happy to explore things... To a point," I said, "but not with stallions." "Would you complain about me exploring things with mares?" Twilight asked with a slight scowl. "I mean, I made out with Cadence for you!" "I didn't ask you to do that!" I said in exasperation. "I never even hinted at it!" "Then why did Cadence say...?" She blushed deeply. "Oh... My..." "Yeah, this is why I don't trust politicians," I said, "or alicorns of love." I paused. "Or both." Pinkie Pie was the first to arrive, bouncing up and down happily on her hooves. "Okay, so how are we gonna do this?" She asked eagerly, "for science?" "Shepherd will sit on that couch," Twilight indicated, "you'll be in his lap while he cuddles you, and I'll observe!" I waved from my position on the couch. Pinkie grinned and jumped onto me, whumping my back against the couch as I struggled to catch her. "Works for me!" She chirped. I sighed and looked up at Twilight, who was settling in with several notebooks. "So, how do I start?" I asked. Twilight hummed. "Just go with the planned procedure," she suggested. "Start with head pats." I sighed and reached up to begin petting Pinkie Pie's head. She hummed happily, and nuzzled into me more closely. "Good, good," Twilight said, scribbling furiously in her notebooks, "now, next-" "Can we skip ahead? This isn't good enough!" Rainbow Dash protested. “I can barely feel anything!” Twilight shook her head. "No! We have to do this right," she emphasized, "Shepherd, please progress to head rubs." "Isn't it going to be different with pegasi?" I asked, as I rubbed Dash's head. She bit back a coo, almost like a dove, and relaxed even more in my lap. Though she was clearly resisting the urge to give in. Twilight shook her head. "We'll do a different study for that.” “Y-Yeah,” Dash managed, “it’s not like… It’s going to do anything! This-This doesn’t feel good at all!” “Uh huh,” I deadpanned, rubbing her scalp harder, “how’s this then?” “Ohhh,” Dash groaned, and grit her teeth. “It… It doesn’t… Do… A thing…!” “Dash,” Twilight said disapprovingly, “you promised you’d be honest!” “Oh… F-Fine… It feels... “ Her wings fluttered, “g-goooood… I g-guess…” “So tsundere,” I teased, and the pegasus blushed hard. “Excellent!” Twilight cheered, “now, keep up the head rubs for another minute and then... Transition to back strokes!" Octavia shivered, groaning softly as I ran my hand down the length of her spine-Stopping just short of her bottom. She sighed and nuzzled me. "That... That's definitely feeling goood~," Octavia sighed. Twilight beamed. "How good? Scale of one to ten?" "Tennnn," Octavia moaned. I grimaced a bit, but continued to stroke her back. "Excellent! Now, proceed to the next phase: Neck scratches!" "Land'o'goshen," Applejack panted, her tongue wagging like a dog's, "that... That hits the spot... Ooh..." "Interesting!" Twilight contributed, "your neck does seem very stiff, Applejack." "Maybe you should try more stretches," I deadpanned, as the orange farmpony melted against me. "Geez, it's like you're made of steel wire!" "Uh huhhh," Applejack managed. Twilight hummed. "Cognitive functions are affected by this stage," she wrote, "now, onto the next phase! Head scratches!" "Ah-ah-ah~! Careful!" Rarity ordered, "you'll mess up my mane!" "Then why did you participate in this study?" I asked in exasperation, carefully scratching around her scalp as she hummed happily. She gave me a wry look, and I rolled my eyes. "Stupid question, sorry." "Well, I was hoping Spike could participate," Rarity said, "he's very good at this sort of thing, you know~." Twilight's eyes narrowed. Rarity coughed. "Er, I mean... It was just head scratches, I swear-!" "Out! OUT! You're ruining the experiment!" Twilight barked, "OUT!" "Well really!" Rarity huffed, getting up and trotting out the door. Twilight sighed. "I'll apologize to her later," she decided, "now, what was the next phase of the procedure?" "Light massage," I replied, Vinyl Scratch cooing underneath me as I rubbed her muscles through her white coat. Twilight nodded happily. "Yes! How is it, Vinyl?" "Ooooh," Vinyl moaned. Twilight tilted her head. "Scale of one to ten?" She asked. "Ahhhn~," Vinyl sighed. I shook my head. "I don't think that's very helpful," I deadpanned. Twilight sighed. "Fair enough. Oh well! I can just take observations. Now! Onto the next phase! Heavy massage!" Maud Pie was built strong and sinewy, almost like a big cat. But she was warm, and soft where it counted. And she did seem to be enjoying herself. "Oh. Oh yes. Harder. Harder. Right there. Right there. Yes," she stated in her monotone, as I pushed down harder to massage her muscles. "Please... Don't stop. Don't stop..." "Uhhh... Sure," I managed, raising an eyebrow. "Give it to me. Now. Harderrrr..." Twilight was furiously writing down notes in four of her notebooks at once. I raised an eyebrow. "Uhhh... Maybe we should get to the next part?" I asked. "You still have thirty seconds!" Twilight stated. "Me love you long time," Maud moaned. My eyebrow twitched slightly. "Right, and what was the next phase?" "Belly rubs!" "Who's a good pony?" I asked Fluttershy, as I rubbed her cute little belly. "Who's a good pony?" "I-I am!" Fluttershy squeaked, her eyes crossing, "I AM! I AMMMM!" "Take it down a notch, Shepherd!" Twilight warned, "she has to finish!" Fluttershy moaned happily, and nuzzled my shoulder. I could have made a joke about her already 'finishing', but I managed to control myself. "Right, right, and that is?" I asked. "Ear scratches!" "Ohhhhh," Princess Celestia moaned, leaning back against my fingers, "please... Don't stop. I'll do anything... Give you a kingdom! Make you a duke! Just! Don't! STOP!" "Uhhh," I managed, still scratching away behind her ears, "I'm good, really Your Majesty." "We shall make you our royal consort," Luna groaned, my other hand scratching hard behind her ears, "offer thee any boon you desiiiiire~!" I looked over at Twilight. "Uh... Two at once? Isn't this messing up the experiment?" "Not at all!" Twilight said cheerfully, "it's more data to study!" She paused. "That and they couldn't schedule this separately." "I see," I deadpanned, as the diarchs nearly smothered me as both fought to be on my lap, "urk... Your Majesties, please! You're gonna crush me!" "Clearly we are the superior test subject!" Luna cried, glaring at her sister, "we are more sensitive!" "Endurance and stamina are better, Luna," Celestia replied playfully, wrapping a wing tightly around me, "and possession is nine-tenths of the law." "YOU wrote that law!" Luna shot back. "Princesses!" Twilight called, "you can come back another time! But poor Shepherd needs his rest!" Both diarchs looked disappointed, but they relented and slid off me. I fell back on the couch, panting hard for breath. Celestia beamed at me, and gave me a nuzzle. "I look forward to continuing our scientific exploration soon, Ser Shepherd," she said warmly. Luna scowled at her, and pulled me up against herself with her magic. "We will be continuing the exploration even sooner!" She shot back. Celestia giggled. "You're so clingy, Luna!" "I wouldn't be if you didn't keep taking what is mine!" Luna protested. "Come on, out, out," Twilight said, shooing them both out. Luna let me go, but gave me a warm smile. "See you later, Ser Shepherd~," she sing-songed, as she followed her elder sister out the door. I laid back on the couch, and put my forearm up over my eyes. I let out a groan. "Owww," I sighed, holding my hands up and examining them, "I am so freaking sore..." My hands turned into hooves. I yelped as I looked down at myself-I was now an Earth pony, with white fur, brown mane and tail, and a cutie mark of a five fingered hand. I looked over at Twilight... Who had assumed her gorgeous human form. She walked up to me with a smile, sat down on the couch, and pulled me into her lap. "Poor Shepherd," she sighed, "putting up with so much... Here. Let your Princess reward you!" "Eh?" I asked, as she began to scratch behind my ears. The sensation that resulted... Was mind blowing. I instantly felt relaxed, as I sank deeper into her embrace. "Ooooh... Okay... I think... I'm getting it nowwww..." "And don't worry," Twilight said cheerfully, "all that test data is going to be put to good use with you~." "... You evil mastermind," I managed. Twilight shrugged with a grin. "If the shoe fits..."