“A regular pony, a unicorn, and a pegasus walked into the pub.” A familiar voice came from the foyer of the small apartment.
Alex looked up curiously from the dishes he was washing. He peered expectantly at Tayla, his lifelong friend and flatmate, as he gave the obvious response to the prompt. “Oh, and what did they say to the bartender?”
“Do you have a cello?” Tayla promptly answered.
Alex scrunched his face in concentration. “I don’t get it,” he admitted.
“No. It’s not a joke.” Tayla shook her finger at him. “I mean a regular pony, a unicorn, and a pegasus are down at the pub right this minute, and the regular pony is playing a cello. She’s pretty good at it, too. How she manages with those hooves, I’ll never know.”
“She?” Alex asked, turning off the water and reaching for a towel. “You sure it’s a she? Could be a guy for all you know.”
“No, absolutely sure she’s a she. She stands on her hind legs to play, making it clear she is missing he parts.” Tayla huffed, “Why is that relevant?”
“Just that there haven’t been any males shown on the telly.” Alex shrugged. “We don’t know how they differ from the females in appearance.”
“I’m pretty sure some of the foals who beat up that werewolf were male,” Tayla countered.
“They all looked the same in armor; so, they don’t count.”
“Just hurry and come with,” Tayla said. “Mary is saving us a booth; we can discuss pony bits on the way there.”
“Why didn’t you just call from the pub?” Alex asked.
“Because you never answer the phone,” Tayla said accusingly.
“Do too,” Alex replied.
“Bollocks, you do.” Tayla scowled at the old argument. “Your own mum knows to wait until I’m home to give a ring. Hurry it up; I don’t want to miss out on any more pony time.”
The two bickered and chatted good naturedly as they speed-walked to their favorite local watering hole. It wasn’t long before they entered the unusually crowded establishment, having to push through the crowd to get to the booth their friend was reserving for them. Tayla sat down next to Mary while Alex took the seat opposite them.
“Hey guys.” Mary greeted them. “Just so you know, Larva’s on the prowl. You can expect her to come over and harass you sometime in the near future.”
“We’ll manage.” Tayla hedged.
“That pony can play really well.” Alex noted, also avoiding the subject. A crowded pub should be noisier, but most of the customers were standing around, listening to the impromptu entertainment. “That shouldn’t be possible, seeing how she lacks thumbs.”
Tayla replied, "She's a regular Yo Mama."
Quirking an eyebrow, Alex said, "I think you got something backward there."
“Don’t think I can’t tell when you’re ignoring me,” Mary scolded.
Alex first looked at Mary, then looked at Tayla before looking at his hands on the table and turning red. Meanwhile, Tayla was intensely watching the pony, her cheeks also red.
“I swear you two are impossible.” Mary huffed. “You’ve had the queen of matchmaking give you her blessing and you are both still too stubborn to see it.”
“I don’t know what that woman is thinking half the time,” Tayla grumbled. “The way she just walks up to people and grabs them.”
“You can’t argue with the results, though,” Mary returned. “How many happy couples has she brought together?”
“She threatened me and Alex.” Tayla seethed. “Without so much as introducing herself.”
“She saw that you two belong together.” Mary smiled. “Just because both of you are too terrified of losing each other to take the next step, doesn’t mean she’s wrong.”
“Drop it, Mary. I don’t . . .”
“Eeeek!”
“There she goes.” Alex watched as the crazy redhead dragged a startled, prissy-looking girl halfway across the pub before stopping in front of a stunned young man sporting a crewcut.
“Larva!” came the distinct voice of Feelers. There were exasperation and resignation in equal parts present in the reprimand.
“Just a moment,” Larva called out, turning to look in the direction from which Feelers had called.
Without looking, the redhead, casually batted away the punch the prissy girl had aimed at her. “What the hell do you think you are doing?” screamed the girl, someone who was obviously either not a student or was completely out of the loop.
“She’s getting bolder,” Alex noted as Larva pushed the girl into the crewcut man’s arms.
“Feelers is doing an absolutely horrid job of keeping her in line.” Tayla snorted.
“Do you think those two are a couple?” Mary asked.
“Possibly,” Alex said. “Just take Jeff and Bob as an example. She doesn’t shy away from those kinds of relationships.” He nodded his thanks to the waitress who had brought over some pints without being prompted. “Busy day, Sharron?”
Sharron sighed. “We’ve got people spilling in off the street ‘cause they heard we’ve got a cello-playing pony. With all the new blood, Larva’s been having a field day. Someone needs to tie that girl to a chair.”
“They tried,” Tayla said. “Apparently, she’s as good an escape artist as she is a matchmaker.”
“Speaking of Jeff and Bob.” Mary reached for her pint to take a sip. “Is Bob still in denial?”
“I’ve heard rumors of the two being seen kissing,” Sharron said. “Can I get you anything from the kitchens? I can’t stay and chat; we’re too busy for that.”
“Couple large orders of chips and bangers would go down nicely,” Tayla said.
“Alright, I’ll just go and put in an . . .”
“Move over!” Larva said gruffly, pushing Sharron aside. The next thing Alex knew was that his lap was full of something white and furry.
“Whazzat?” demanded the bundle of fur.
“Sit. Stay. I’ll be right back,” Larva said before striding off.
“Oh my God, you’ve just had your blessing rescinded,” Mary gasped, turning to Tayla. “That’s a first. I told you; you should have moved faster.”
Hot tears started collecting in Tayla’s eyes. “I told you; there was nothing. I mean, I couldn’t. I mean, what does she know?”
“What’s going on?” The white unicorn tried a second time.
“You’ve been Larvasized,” Mary told the unicorn occupying Alex’s lap.
The music suddenly stopped. “Sorry folks,” Larva’s voice called out from behind a pair of sunglasses. “I’m on a mission from the Goddess of Love.”
“You are not allowed to watch Blues Brothers again,” Feelers called out.
“Did she just?” Mary asked.
“She did,” Sharron said as she and the rest of the pub watched as Larva deposited the grey, cello-wielding pony next to Alex.
“Get your hooves off me,” Octavia said. “I never.”
“Yeah. Yeah,” Larva said. “Talk to Feelers later; she handles the complaints.” Turning to Tayla, the redhead said, “Well don’t just sit there looking teary-eyed; get over here. You’ve just had a blast of how you really feel; I’m just multiplying it all around. You’re not being left out.”
Tayla looked at Larva and then looked at Alex with the two ponies. With a soft cry, she scrabbled over the table separating them, ignoring the glasses she somehow managed to avoid toppling.
“What the?” Sharron asked as she watched her regular's unexpected advance.
“She just had a flash of what it would feel like to be without him,” Larva said. “And it hurt . . . a lot.”
“You’re a menace,” Sharron told Larva.
“Ah huh,” Larva turned to Mary. “Since this is going to be a herd, you might as well stop hiding your feelings and join them.”
Mary looked back at Larva before nodding. “I’m not fool enough to ignore your advice.” She said, “I’ve seen what that did to Tayla.” With those words, she scooted out from her side of the booth, walked around the two women, lifted the grey pony and sat back down with the musician in her lap. “Happy now?” she asked.
“Almost perfect,” Larva said before striding away.
“I’d like the one with a lot of muscles,” Sharron called after the redhead, a little hope in her voice.
“No, you wouldn’t,” Larva called back over her shoulder. The grimace on her face left no doubt as to her assessment.
“Is it customary to pick somepony up like this?” Octavia asked.
“No; Larva doesn’t do customary,” Mary assured her. “She does, however, have a perfect track record at matchmaking.”
“Subtle, she is not.” Octavia frowned.
“Are you okay? You’re shaking.” Vinyl asked Tayla who was clutching Alex’s arm. The woman nodded at the unicorn, not loosening her grip.
“Coming through!” Cloud Kicker said as she flapped over the gaping crowd. “What the hay was that all abouoooof!”
“Mind the wall,” Mary said dryly as she watched the pegasus drop onto the recently vacated bench across the table.
“Ow?” uttered Cloud Kicker.
“Please,” Octavia said, “some of us have witnessed you plowing into the ground going full tilt.”
“That cider had a lot more kick than it has any right too,” Cloud Kicker said, righting herself. “Anyways, what was that all about?”
“That human just threw us all together and said ‘you’re a herd.’” Octavia scrunched her muzzle.
“Really? That was easy.” Cloud Kicker studied the glass in front of her. “What’s this?”
“That’s a proper stout,” Alex informed her. “Hold on a moment; did I just get myself a harem?”
“No.” Cloud Kicker sniffed the drink. “You’re not the first human stallion to ask that. You didn’t gain a harem; you gained a family, big difference.”
“Is that all for the music?” asked a random guy in the crowd.
“Don’t make me hurt you,” came Larva’s voice in reply.
“Intermission it is then,” the guy said. “Love, could I get another pint?”
“Sure thing.” Sharron hurried away from the table to do her job.
“So, we just accept it and form a herd?” Octavia asked.
“We’re all pretty sure that whatever Larva does, magic is involved somehow,” Mary said. “She hasn’t been wrong yet.”
“Still, it does seem rather . . . abrupt.” Octavia stated.
“She’s tossed a girl into the bath with an unsuspecting bloke before,” Alex said. “Those two are talking marriage from what I hear.”
“This is good,” Cloud Kicker said. When she noticed that she and her half empty glass had the attention of those on the opposite bench she continued. “Don’t mind me. Go back to your bonding.”
Octavia sighed exasperatedly. “Vinyl, aren’t you going to say something?”
“Getting belly rubbed here.”
“She’s not going to be any help now,” Cloud Kicker commented.
“Ack!”
“Oh look,” Mary said. “Larva’s found another victim.”
“That was quick.” Alex muttered.
Mayor Mare looked around at the hastily gathered ponies in the town square. In her opinion, a scribbled letter from the perfectionist town librarian on a Tuesday could not herald fortuitous tidings. After reading the missive, she was now of mixed feelings on the information it had disclosed. Surely, it would be a shock for more than one resident of her town.
As she expected, there was more than one worried face in the crowd as she took the podium. She had everypony's unwavering attention without uttering a single word. That didn’t stop the questions from starting before she was properly settled.
“When’s the hydra attack?”
Mayer Mare sighed but decided to answer. “There have not been any sightings of the creature as of this morning,” she said to soothe the worries of the gathered ponies.
“What have the Crusaders built this time?” demanded an optimist.
“The foals are on an outing in the human world.” Mayor Mare winced. “That being said, it would be advisable to avoid the area of the Apple farm bordering the Everfree Forest for the foreseeable future.”
“Has Sweetie Belle been allowed in somepony’s kitchen?”
“Not to my knowledge,” Mayor Mare said. “Now if you wouldn’t mind, I do have an important announcement to make.”
“Does it involve explosives?”
Mayor Mare actually glared at the stallion who had asked that. “No, but on that note, nopony is allowed to sell the Crusaders bulk amounts of fertilizer. In fact, all fertilizer purchases for the farm should be going through the elder siblings.” She paused for a second. “In fact, any bulk purchases made by the Crusaders should be reported to the proper authorities immediately.”
There were a lot of nodding heads at that suggestion.
“Now to the reason for which I have called everypony together on such short notice.” Mayor Mare placed a single sheet of paper onto the podium. “I have a letter from Twilight Sparkle that just arrived.”
These words caused an expectant silence to clamp down on the crowd.
“It would seem there are a couple of important facts that need to be brought to the attention of those of you with the means to turn into humans.”
The mayor paused to run her eyes over the gathered ponies, noting the impatience building in those mares who fell into that category.
“It needs to be brought to the attention of these individuals that human females are able to become pregnant year-round.”
A loud gasp rolled across the ponies listening to her.
“It is understood that this information should have been divulged sooner. To that point, a human healer shall be at the hospital shortly to perform a test . . .”
Whatever else she was going to say was drowned out by the stampede of hooves retreating from the town square, headed in the direction of the medical facility. Those who had chosen to remain appeared to be stunned by the haste as which the mares had departed.
One particularly frazzled mare rasped, "Buck me!"
Mayor Mare sighed. “This is why we can’t have good town gatherings.”
To the trained eye, the recent signs of death were obvious in Professor Severus Snape’s quarters. What had once been a drab and functional living area was now full of color. Anyone with a lick of sense would instantly recognize that there was now a female in residence, admittedly, one with some exotic tastes if all of the painted wooden masks were any indication. It was also apparent that she had taken full advantage of her husband’s ability to produce flowering plants in the middle of winter. What had been his sanctuary and his alone had now been claimed in equal measure by the newcomer. All traces of bachelorhood were truly dead and buried.
The female in the room had cornered the male and had come to stand nervously in front of him. “A conversation needs to come to pass, before either of us go to our class.”
“Whatever is the matter, Zecora?” Severus asked his wife, wrapping her in a hug, an act that he still would not do in front of his students, despite becoming accustomed to them in private.
“I must admit I was surprised, when Twilight opened up my eyes,” Zecora said.
“Twilight?” Severus asked. “What did she have to say?”
“She suggested I get a potion, maybe. Pomfrey declined; it is bad for the baby.”
“That’s not a problem. Any potion that Pomfrey could give you was brewed by me in the first place. I can . . .” Zecora watched as the pieces fell into place. “Baby?”
“'Baby' is the first word coming to my tongue, when I refer to one exceedingly young.”
“Baby?” Severus repeated.
Zecora nodded, watching her stallion closely.
“I’m going to be a father?”
“Truly I must confess, the answer is a yes.”
“I’m going to be a father.”
“You do seem unsteady.” Zecora had a shy smile on her lips. “That was said already.”
“I’m going to be a father. I never thought this would happen.” Severus pulled Zecora closer to himself, placing his cheek next to hers. “You have filled a gaping hole in my life. I am going to be a father -- not just a sire. I am going to raise and nurture our own flesh and blood.”
“Are you aching? You are shaking.”
“I am going to be a father.” Severus whispered. “You are the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“That would be my cue, to tell you times two.” Zecora held up a piece of paper with a letter written on it.
Andromeda Tonks looked at the room full of colorful ponies who were all looking back at her expectantly. “I see that the mayor got Twilight’s letter,” she said unnecessarily.
The ponies continued staring at her until one of them asked. “Why are you made out of crystal?”
“It’s a long story,” Andi sighed.
“Were the Crusaders involved?” asked a pinto mare. “If so, you can save a lot of time by just saying, ‘The Crusaders happened.’”
“No, Dan’s taking care of them for the day.” Andi shook her sparkling head. “It really is disturbing that that phrase is an actual thing.”
“They are only going to be here for a week. Something is going to happen; they are on a time limit.”
“Okay, we are getting off topic. Now, I know this comes as a shock to all of you. In truth, it slipped everyone’s minds that certain facts should have been communicated to every pony becoming human for the first time. I am here to rectify that right now. So, we are going to do this in three stages. First of all, I am going to check each of you for any pregnancies. Secondly, if you come up negative and you so choose, Nurse Redheart here will issue you a potion that will prevent that from occurring for six months.”
As one the mares turned to look at a waving and smiling Redheart before turning back to Andromeda.
“And finally, everypony needs to stay and hear some of the basics of being a woman. You are going to hate the word menstruation by the time you leave.”
Barnaby’s mother, Imogen chose that moment to put in her two knuts worth. “I can attest to that.” She had followed the procession with more than a little hope in her eyes.
“Oh?” Andi focused on the mare who had singled herself out. “I don’t think I’ve met you. What’s your name?”
“Imogen Lee.” The mare froze when she realized her blunder.
The other mares were all taken by surprise when Andi’s expression turned ugly. Her wand seemingly teleported into hand and was pointed squarely at the center of Imogen’s forehead. “Why are the next words coming out of my mouth not going to be the piercing curse?” the human healer demanded.
“You’re a healer. Y-you wouldn’t.” Imogen took an involuntary step backward.
“I would consider it my duty to protect those you might harm.”
“I . . . I . . . I . . .” Imogen sputtered. She was saved from answering when a body placed itself between the mare and the angry human.
“Woah! Woah!” called out Carrot Top. “There’s no need for that. Princess Celestia knows she is here. Everything is under control. Nopony is getting hurt.”
“She’s dangerous,” Andi stated, lifting Carrot Top out of the way with a wave of her wand. However, when her focus was no longer pointed at Imogen, a blue glow surrounded it and her hand, locking them in place.
“Calm down; calm down,” said Minuette, the source of the glow. “You know what? That’s starting to become my catchphrase.”
“Do you know what she’s done?” Andi tugged fruitlessly at her trapped appendage.
“No,” Berry Punch said. “We don’t. She’s too ashamed to tell us. We do, however, know that her family had raised her to do what she did.” She fixed Andi with an unblinking gaze. “We are her family now.”
“Besides, Princess Celestia had her take a crushing oath on her life; she’s harmless,” Carrot Top said before looking at the floor. “Would you mind putting me down now?”
Andi scowled first at Imogen and then at Minuette before shortly nodding her head. With a sigh, Minuette released her magic and Carrot Top was returned to the floor. “I need everypony to change into their human form so I can perform the scan for pregnancies.”
“Angry humans are scary,” Redheart commented as the roomful of mares became a roomful of human women with colorful hair.
“Line up please,” Andi said, glancing at Imogen’s still-pony form, but otherwise not commenting.
“What’s this?” A stallion’s voice interrupted the proceedings before they could begin.
“We were just about to do some pregnancy testing, Professor Vague Theory,” Nurse Redheart said.
“That’s not what I meant,” Vague Theory said. “I mean what are tho . . . never mind, this is another one of those three headed dog things, isn’t it?”
“Hello Healer Tonks,” Dr. Horse said, having arrived with the professor. “I’m glad you’re here. We’d love your unique perspective on a current case we are treating.”
“Is it urgent?” Andi asked.
“Not so much anymore.” Vague Theory sighed. “There was no physical damage beyond a slight coloration discrepancy and an ill-suited vocal range, so we decided to lock the enchantments as they were before something unfortunate happened. We were left with a pink colt who has a voice that would be more appropriate on a full-grown stallion.”
“I’d be glad to have a look,” Andi said as she noticed another mare walking up the hallway. “Hello Fluttershy.”
“H . . . hi Andi,” Fluttershy said . . . well . . . shyly.
“You may as well get in line, too,” Andi said kindly. “We were looking for you earlier.”
“Oh . . . okay. If you think it’s a good idea.” Fluttershy trotted to the end of the line and stood up as a human.
Professor Vague Theory fixed Dr. Horse with a questioning gaze and raised an eyebrow.
“I’ll explain later,” Dr. Horse assured him. “What spell is that?” he questioned Andi as she started to wave her wand.
“It’s a precise pregnancy detecting charm,” Andi said. “Here, let me teach it to you.”
“I swear they are doing this just to raise the tension,” the transfigured pinto mare complained.
“Oh, give them a minute,” said the woman directly behind her. “This way we get a second opinion without having to get out of line.”
“Um . . . why are we in line?” asked Fluttershy.
“We’re waiting to see if we’re pregnant,” Carrot Top said.
“What?” Fluttershy squeaked.
“Apparently, humans can get pregnant anytime of the year,” Berry Punch said.
“oh . . .”
Vague Theory peered down the line of strange two-legged things, some of which were probably ponies in disguise. “How many times can that mare faint in one day?” he asked.
“I’ll get the smelling salts.” Nurse Redheart sighed.
“I got her,” Andi said, pointing with her wand. “Rennervate.”
“And there’s another spell you need to teach me,” Dr. Horse said.
“Later,” Andi said. “We’ve got people waiting on us.” She gestured for the first woman to come forward to be scanned. “Clear,” she stated after waving her wand.
“Same,” said Dr. Horse.
The next woman came forward as the first hurried over to collect a potion from Nurse Redheart.
“Clear,” Andi repeated.
“Confirmed,” said Dr. Horse. This woman did not opt for a potion.
“Clear,” Andi said a third time.
“Confirmed,” Dr. Horse added, and there was another potion imbiber.
“This isn’t so bad.” Carrot Top stepped up for her turn.
“Your pregnant,” Andi informed her.
“I concur,” Dr. Horse said.
“Buck me!”
"Your herdmates might object,” said Dr. Horse.
The apothecary storekeeper took in the sight of her newest customers and a slight smile crossed her lips. “I take it you’ll be wanting a potion to untangle your hair?” she asked as she shared that smile with the wizard who had escorted them into her place of business.
“Yes please,” said Hermione.
“We’ll all be needing two doses,” added Ginny. “We’ve got the same thing coming tomorrow.”
“He doesn’t seem so bad.” The store keeper pointed at one of the boys. “His hair is too short.”
“You should see me tail.” The boy shrank down and was soon displaying a poorly braided example.
“Okay,” said the storekeeper, who only squeed a few times upon seeing Seamus in his pony form. “First of all, let me note that this potion is to be applied directly to your hair. It is not to be ingested.”
“In that case, better make it four doses apiece,” Luna said. “We’ll be using twice as much.”
“I think it’s about time we take this back to our place,” Alex said, staring at the pegasus, who hadn’t lifted her head from the table for a good twenty minutes.
“We would be honored to accept your hospitality,” Octavia said. “Isn’t that right Vinyl?”
A soft snore was her only reply.
“She’s out of it, too,” Tayla said.
Octavia sighed. “I can’t take these two anywhere. Here we are in a strange new world, and what do they do? They gravitate towards the nearest alcohol. The salt shaker on the table didn’t help any either.”
“Yeah, we will have to remember salt has that effect on ponies,” Mary said.
“Only if one overindulges.” Octavia sniffed.
“I’m glad Sharron stopped refilling it after the third time,” Tayla said. “Wave her over so we can pay our tab.”
Alex did just that and soon the waitress was standing at their booth. “How much do we owe you?” Mary asked as Octavia produced a wad of bullseyes from somewhere.
“We changed some bits into human money,” the mare said. “The numbering seems straightforward enough.”
“Oh, we can’t take that,” Sharron said, handing Octavia some pound notes. “You brought in so much custom that it’s only fair to compensate you for your time; your tab is paid in full. My boss would be over giving this to you himself, but we have a minor emergency in the kitchen. I’m to tell you that you are welcome back anytime.”
“Minor emergency?” Alex queried.
“Don’t ask.” Sharron winced.
“This emergency wouldn’t be in the form of a small white unicorn filly, would it?” asked Octavia.
“No?” Sharron blinked. “Why would it?”
Octavia sighed in relief. “Back home, that is the first question to ask whenever anypony mentions an emergency in the kitchen.”
“That’s . . . weird.” Tayla frowned.
“Trust me, you’ll only say that the first time,” Octavia assured her.
“Move over!” Larva said, pushing Sharron out of her way once again.
“Oooof!” cried out the occupants of the booth as a weight was distributed across their laps.
“The booths aren’t that big,” Sharron complained.
“She dragged me out of my apartment,” the young man now laying lengthwise atop everyone said. “I was in the middle of typing my essay for next week.”
“She dragged you?” asked Mary.
“She’s stronger than she looks.”
“Larva, I don’t swing that way,” Alex whined.
“You don’t have to. Use your other head.” Larva smirked. "Now, it's perfect." With that, she strolled away.
Vinyl snorted awaked to find a human somewhere one hadn’t been before. “Buck me!”
Octavia sniffed. "Really, Vinyl. The proper term is 'consummate'."