//------------------------------// // Uncertainty // Story: Better off without me // by SunnyBreeze //------------------------------// Zephyr’s checkup with Dr. Horse was scheduled for next week. Zephyr felt terrible for all the extra stress he was putting on everypony. He had wanted to commit suicide as a way of releasing others of their burden, but all this nonsense about suicide was just making everypony’s burdens heavier. Asking for help had been a mistake, he was just making life worse, he would deal with this himself, and would go through with his plans (whatever they were) without drawing any more attention to himself. Zephyr tried to reason his way out of it. He tried every counter argument, but for every counter argument there was a counter-counter argument. For: There are too many ponies and I’m a waste of space that nopony needs. Counter: The fact that you care shows that you are a special pony that Equestria needs. Counter-Counter: The fact you are even considering things like this shows that you are an insane pony that needs to be put down before he goes on a mass killing spree of other ‘unwanted’ ponies as well. The scheduled appointment was now only a few hours away, and Zephyr was no closer to a decision. Fortunately, his inner adjudicator was still functioning fine. Zephyr, you promised yourself at least a 48 hour cool-down period, yet you are still disputing this now. Face it—even if you were to have perfect clarity on your desire to kill yourself, the cool down period won’t end for at least another couple of days. You will have to grit your teeth and face Dr. Horse regardless of your decision. Zephyr arrived at the clinic early. He was dreading this appointment. He wished that he had kept it to himself. Regardless of his decision, he didn’t want anypony else involved. He decided that he would just play it down. But he would have to let Dr. Horse in on something, else he knew Dr. Horse would get suspicious. Dr. Horse arrived, and kindly gestured to Zephyr to come in. Once in, Dr. Horse shut the door. “Hello Zephyr, how have you been going?” Dr. Horse asked kindly. “Good.” answered Zephyr. “What do you mean by that?” Dr. Horse clarified, concealing his frustration with Zephyr - Dr. Horse had meant the question as a genuine point of introspection, rather than trivial small talk. And Zephyr knew it too. “Oh. Ahh…” Zephyr began, hoping that somehow Dr. Horse might have forgotten about Zephyr’s history and be willing to perform an ordinary health check-up instead. No, that wasn’t going to work, time to spill the beans Zephyr. A bead of sweat ran down Zephyr’s forehead as the room suddenly grew warmer “... I mean that everything is okay, and I haven’t worked anymore on my plans to kill myself”. Really, he hadn’t. He had simply considered putting his previous plans into action. He had been so busy working out the details of whether he wanted to commit suicide, he hadn’t had time to work on the physical details anymore. Not that he needed to, sometimes simple plans are the best plans. “Good,” replied Dr. Horse. The conversation proceeded fairly ordinarily, with Dr. Horse attempting to sort out the details of a mental health plan with Zephyr. “Look, I’m on holiday until the next moon” Dr. Horse said “but you know who to contact if anything goes wrong.” “No problem,” replied Zephyr, “I don’t think regular meetings are necessary anymore, I feel stable now” he lied. Dr. Horse took Zephyr out to reception, and they booked a follow up meeting shortly after the next moon. Phew. That had been close. Now Zephyr had bought himself plenty of time to think this through himself. Zephyr had gotten into the habit of writing his arguments for, counter, counter-counter, counter-counter-counter, and counter-counter-counter-counter out. His saddle-bag was now weighed down with heartfelt notes to himself that stretched both his emotional and rational side to their limits in never-ending self-debate. Today he was on the train on his way to Canterlot. Nothing special. Just another day in the life of an unemployed job hunter. Today, Fluttershy had him off to help take notes for Rarity on a research mission to identify her next boutique. As he thought on the train, he went through his regular routine of arguments with himself. Although this time he had found an argument for which there was no counter. He was right. The world didn’t need him, and he didn’t want to be there. It was finally time to go. That, and he was really dreading spending yet another friendless, meaningless day in Canterlot with Rarity, who could easily write her own notes anyway. “Canterlot,” came a deep voice through a funnel at the end of the carriage, channelling the train driver’s voice. But Zephyr wasn’t getting off today. Nope. If this was his last day, he was going to enjoy it. Zephyr stayed glued to the window, just thinking. Or at least it felt like thinking, but he didn’t remember any actual thoughts per se. It was more like simply being. Thinking emotionally rather than a stream-of-consciousness. He let the train carry him well past Canterlot until he finally dismounted at the Crystal Empire. He loved the Crystal Empire. His subconscious had led him here in a one last-ditch attempt to make himself understand what it meant to be alive. If he could live anywhere, it would be here, but he was stuck living in bucking Ponyville with his sis. Oh well, technically, he wouldn’t be living there for long. As Zephyr meandered around the streets of the Crystal Empire, he allowed the subconscious part of himself that wanted to live to lead him to the Crystal Library. He felt at home here. Like this was his true home. He found his way to the philosophy section. Usually, he would be looking for a specific book, or at very least know the topic, but today he was just browsing, allowing the Dewey System to do it’s work in conveniently grouping similar books together as his subconscious gravitated him towards what it needed him to find. Soon he stumbled upon it, “The Creature you can Save” by Professor P. Singer. He had first seen this book before; Fluttershy had lent it to him the day after Applejack’s remark at the Young Fliers competition. He had never finished the book, but had read just enough to get the gist: creatures were suffering while he did nothing, and he was not doing enough to help them. The guilt of this revelation had planted a seed that had grown uncontrollably in Zephyr’s mind into a solution, albeit not the one that the author had intended. He may as well read it in more detail in case there was something important in there that he’d missed... Upon re-reading it, he understood now. He was a cost, yes, but he was also an investment. One that could change the world if it paid off. And it would be a shame for that investment to flop now. Zephyr closed the book and went home content for the first time in months. A terrible burden of guilt had been lifted from his shoulders, and a sense of purpose filled his heart.