//------------------------------//
// Appletastic Belly Rubs 
// Story: The Human Incident 
// by Boopy Doopy 
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“Mmmmmmm… wow, when I wished for true happiness, I was expecting something different,” the stallion told Archard as he purred and closed his eyes, practically laying in his lap. “But this is soooo much better… this is amazing…”
“That’s because these hands were made for petting,” the human responded happily. “You all have nice soft fur and make cute noises when you’re pet, and it’s adorable. In fact, every single creature I’ve seen here is the cutest thing ever, it’s unbelievable. Especially Spike and Fluttershy, and even including Snowy Bumblebees.”
“Here that, Snowy?” Pinkie Pie said happily as she gave the manticore pets of its own. “He thinks you're adorable!”
“Don’t hog him though,” Rainbow Dash said grumpily. “I was here first! Just because you made a wish doesn’t mean I don’t get first dibs on him.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure everypony here is satisfied. Although I didn’t expect to be so popular, I will ensure that, as a certain TV station that will not be named would say, you all get a fair and balanced amount of pets because you’re all very cute and as god damned adorable as possible. Even you two, Rainbow and Scootaloo.”
“We’re not cute!” the two of them protested immediately, speaking at the same time as they blushed and glanced at each other for a moment.
“You might as well accept it because ignoring it and pretending you’re not is only gonna make you cuter.” As he said it, he got behind the stallion he was petting’s ears and worked his hand on his belly, getting him to moan with pleasure.
“Oh, Celestia, this feels nice! This is what true happiness feels like! My wish is coming true!” As he said it, he had his tongue hanging out lazily and his eyes closed while several other ponies watched him, some with playful smiles and others with jealousy.
“I’m not one to say I’m cute, in fact, I’m probably far from it, but I’ll take being called cute if it means your hands rub all over me. It’s absolutely worth it.”
“I’m sure it is,” Archard replied. “Now turn over so I can rub your belly properly.”
“What’s going on in here?” Twilight suddenly yelled, appearing out of nowhere in the middle of the restaurant. She looked around at all the ponies around the human, sending a glare Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie’s way before taking a threatening step towards him.
“I’ve been roaming the Everfree Forest and looking all over Ponyville-” she told him angrily before quickly being cut off by what sounded like a wet fart coming from the mare. She yelled and stomped a hoof because of it, which was followed up with the sound of flatulence again, which caused most of the restaurant save for Archard to giggle. 
“Umm… I don’t think I have to ask, but are those whoopie cushions on your hooves?” the human inquired, doing his very best to keep a straight face. “Or uh… do you just have really bad gas? Cause I mean, I might not have Tums for it, but I know a few at-home remedies for-”
“No! I- you- yes, there’s whoopie cushions on my hooves, but that’s your fault!” she yelled as she farted her way closer to him. “You had me on a wild goose chase for the last two hours! Running around Ponyville and heading into the most dangerous part of the Everfree- you know we could’ve been killed right? Is that what you were trying to do? We met a manticore in there!”
“I mean, you were the one who wanted to dissect me…” he mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “Besides, if you’re talking about this manticore, this has to be the most friendly manticore out there. I mean, look at it!” As he said it, both Snowy and Pinkie Pie turned their heads to Twilight and gave her the widest smile they could possibly give.
“That’s cute,” Archard finished. “The only way it would kill you is if you had a heart attack from all that cuteness, which, while a distinct possibility, doesn’t seem very likely to me.”
“That’s not the point!” she argued. “You can’t just come here and then-”
“Twilight?” somepony else, Fluttershy this time, called as she entered the restaurant herself, followed by Lyra and Applejack. “I hope you’re being nice to him. Oh, hello Archard. It’s lovely to see you again.”
“Awwww, you’re so nice! You’re super cute, too! But I don’t want to make Discord jealous… god, that mint ice cream…” he whispered to himself with a shiver before turning back to her. “But get over here! You haven’t gotten pet enough yet! I’m gonna pet you so hard, you won’t have any fur or feathers left. You’re just gonna be a hairless pony by the time I’m finished with you.”
“Oh, well, maybe don’t pet me quite that much, please,” she asked, “but being pet a little while longer shouldn’t hurt I think.”
“No, Fluttershy!” Lyra told her, putting a hoof on her shoulder. “That thing is dangerous. That’s why we were looking for it. You shouldn’t go near it.”
“Humph. Well, from what Archard told me, you and Twilight are the dangerous ones. Trying to experiment on him… honestly, you two should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Um, actually, that was mostly Twilight,” Lyra said. “I told her not to, because he said he would run away if she tried to.”
“That’s right,” the creature confirmed as he completely flipped the stallion over to rub his stomach. “It was mostly Twilight who was trying to dissect me. Also,” he said, turning his attention to the stallion for a moment, “you have a very soft tummy. You’re fucking adorable. I’m gonna die.”
“It- I- I was only gonna take a little bit! Like, enough for one vial! Nurse Redheart would pull more if you needed to have blood tested! All I wanted was a few drops!”
“You did have me strapped to a table laying down against my will-”
“You didn’t say it was against your will! You willingly laid down and let yourself be tied up!”
“Yeah, well, it’s still not okay to try and take people’s blood when they respectfully decline to have their blood taken. I’m pretty sure that’s something you learn in Nursing 101… err… Experimenting On Me 101 in your case. Didn’t even let me pet Rarity for that long...”
“Applejack, please! Help me out here!”
“Well, Ah can’t say one way or the other if that thing’s dangerous,” the mare started. “It sure is weird looking and kinda ugly-”
“Words hurt! How come nopony seems to think words hurt? They do! I promise!”
“-but Ah don’t think it’s okay ta judge a creature by how it looks. Still though, Twilight is the smartest mare Ah know, and if she’s thinkin’ yer dangerous, then Ah’m inclined to believe her. Plus, Zecora and Lyra said the same things. So Ah think it’s best if ya stay away from him, Flutters. Actually, you, too, Apple Bloom. Ah don’t want ya gettin’ hurt by that thing.”
“Oh, come on!” the human pleaded. “Let me pet her! Is it because I think apple ice cream is the grossest food I’ve ever eaten and would rather eat vomit-covered Arby’s than that again?” He said it with a seriousness that surprised the mare and made her stop and think about the statement to herself in silence. The rest of the room cringed back in equal silence, knowing how she was prone to have an outburst over the mere mention that something apple related could possibly be anything but the best food in all of Equestria.
However, instead of an outburst, Applejack blinked a few times, processing what he said before turning to her friend and speaking in a calm, matter-of-fact tone. 
“Welp, Twilight, Ah was wrong,” Applejack told the mare, shaking her head sadly. “It’s a monster through and through. Ah think we need ta put him down. It’s clearly not right in the head, and it’d be cruel to let it suffer and have wrong opinions. It might even be brained damaged. Ah think that's a distinct possibility.”
“Have you tried that shit?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “It’s nasty. No offense, Mrs. Cake, but apple-flavored ice cream was just a complete mistake. I would take it off the menu entirely. No one should have to suffer through even trying it once. It’s awful.”
“I have to be honest,” Scootaloo agreed nervously, “it’s… not bad, but it could be better… in my opinion. Not that there’s anything wrong with the apples of course! It’s just-”
“It’s not good, AJ,” Apple Bloom finished for her. “He convinced me ta try it, and… it don’t taste great.”
“Okay, Ah can take ya havin’ bad opinions and needin’ ta be put down,” Applejack started angrily, “but once you start infectin’ the rest of these good ponies with yer bad opinions-”
“Taste it if you don’t believe me!” Archard interrupted. “We still have the bowl! You can taste it and know it’s horrible! I bet it tastes worse than the bottom of Twilight’s gassy hooves!”
“Hey!”
“Like, it’s Arby’s level bad, and it’s very hard to be Arby’s level bad.”
“Ah don’t need ta taste it!” Applejack told him. “Ah’ve eaten it plenty of times! It’s my favorite flavor here!”
“Then how can you possibly with a straight face say it’s any good if you've tasted it?”
“Because it has Apple Family apples in there, and Apple Family apples are made with blood, sweat and tears! That’s what makes them the perfect food, and the perfect addition to any food.”
“Well if they’re so perfect and this is your favorite flavor, then eat this whole bowl. It should taste like nothing but happiness to you.”
“Ah- ya don’t- Ah don’t need to prove ta you that Ah like my favorite flavor of ice cream! Ah’m-”
“Aren’t you supposed to be the Element of Honesty?” Archard asked. “How can you lie and say that you like this gross shit and that it’s your favorite?”
“Ah’m not lyin’!” Applejack argued, now getting truly angry. “It is my favorite flavor, and Ah do like it! It’s the best-”
“What are we doing here?” Twilight suddenly interrupted, realizing how long this argument might go on if she didn’t put a stop to it. “Why are we arguing about ice cream? We should be capturing this thing, Fluttershy!”
“Ah agree with Twilight on this,” Applejack said firmly, scowling at the human. “Any heathen that don’t like apples is a monster in my book.”
“I like apples, I just don’t like this specific apple flavored product and can't comprehend how any profit-seeking entity would release this as a flavor of ice cream. Also, I’d rather not be experimented on, thank you very much. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”
“I wasn’t- ugh! Just come with us, please! We can’t have you on the loose out here!”
“I don’t see why not, but if you try to-”
“Archard,” Fluttershy said kindly, flying up to him and putting a hoof on his cheek. “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. As long as I’m there, you’ll be safe from both Applejack and Twilight. Okay?”
“What about Lyra?” Archard asked using a puppy dog voice. “You promise to protect me from her, too?”
“Oh, I don’t wanna experiment on you,” she explained. “I just wanna know everything there is to know about you! Where you come from, what your favorite food is, if you have any family, what your kind is like, when you go to sleep…”
“You sound a lot like my sister’s ex-boyfriend, but… since Fluttershy promised… okay! I’ll go with you and farty hooves over there. But you better not experiment on me or try to stick needles in me, cause if you do, I’ll be mad.”
“Wait, hold on!” the stallion on his lap complained as the human stood up. “You can’t leave yet! I still have my wish! I haven’t had enough true happiness yet!”
“I’ll finish granting your wish later, I promise. I need to go with Twilight and maybe not get experimented on probably.”