//------------------------------//
// 16. The Dream 
// Story: The Only Mark That Matters 
// by CocktailOlive 
//------------------------------//

Radish entered Luna's hallway to see a maid pushing a coffee cart out of the bedroom.

"Hello, lieutenant!"

"Hello, Miss Mornings. How's the family?"

"They're all really curious about Princess Luna. I wish I could tell them more about her."

"Yeah."

"Hey," she said, leaning in close to him, "is it just my imagination, or has she been getting taller by the day?"

"No, she definitely has."

Luna's door flung open. "Lieutenant! We require thee! Come!"

"Aye, ma'am."

"Careful," whispered Miss Mornings, "she's had five shots of espresso."

"Thanks for the warning."

Radish met Luna in her room. She gazed at him excitedly.

"There is important business tonight! It is time we-”	

Luna was interrupted by the bursting of a scroll into existence between her and Radish. It plopped to the floor of her bedroom and rolled toward Radish.

“Guardstallion Root, what is the meaning of this?”

“Sorry, ma’am. Twilight Sparkle sends me mail magically using Spike’s dragon fire.”

“At all hours of the night? Whilst thou be on duty with thy princess?”

“Ma’am… the tag says it’s urgent.”

“And?”

“And… may I… read it?”

Luna looked at him coldly.

“She could be in trouble,” Radish said.

“Then she would alert somepony in a position to help, not a guardstallion standing watch over his princess.”

“I suppose…”

“Read it, then, if it is so urgent. Tell us what is so important that it must interrupt thy duties.”

Radish sighed and opened the scroll. He read over it, and gasped in horror.

“What is it?” Luna asked.

“Ma’am… Twilight and her friends are in Appleloosa.”

“Where?”

“A brand new settlement out west. But the town is in a territorial dispute with a local buffalo tribe. Ma’am… there could be a war by noon tomorrow.”

“That is most troubling. But why tell thee?”

“She knows I’ve worked with buffalo tribes down south. Twilight’s asking for advice about brokering peace with them.”

“That is no task for a mere lieutenant, lieutenant. Peace treaties be the domain of royalty. Thou must let thy princess handle this.”

“Oh?”

“Yes.”

Luna took a scroll and a quill, and began writing at her desk. Radish watched nervously. She ended by signing her signature and furling the scroll, looping a ribbon around it and sealing it.

“Now, how does one send this back?”

“I… actually don’t know. I think it’s a spell Celestia does. It comes out of Spike’s mouth somehow. I always respond to Twilight through conventional post.”

“Oh? You wish to trot into our sister’s bedroom, wake her up, and demand she send this?”

Radish certainly did not want to do that, as he still didn’t know what “this” was.

“Uh… no…”

“Radish Root, there is a better way. We shall make our will known using the very ability we were going to practice tonight. In ages past, 'twas our duty to visit the dreams of ponies and see them through their nightmares.”

“I never knew you could do that.”

“‘Twas our most precious contribution to the world. Ponykind has been bereft of this service for far too long. We are now strong enough to travel the dream realm once more. We will seek out these ponies in Appleloosa and deliver our counsel to them in their sleep.”

“All right. If you think this is best…”

“‘Tis. Come.”

Luna trotted over to her bed. She pulled back the covers.

“Into our bed, lieutenant.”

Radish just stared.

“Why dost thou hesitate? Is our bed not to your liking? ‘Twas built by the finest craftspony of the day! Doth thou prefer to explore the dream realm lying on the floor?”

“Yes! No! Uh, okay.”

Radish undid his armor while Luna stared at him. He looked at her bed. It was built with a headboard that curved over the occupant, giving the appearance of a large crescent moon. He touched the bedspread.

“Quicker,” ordered Luna.

Radish climbed in under the covers. He stared wide-eyed at Luna. She stared back at him. He never felt less like sleeping in his life.

“Now, you sleep. We will guide thee to the realm of dreams.”

“Ma’am, I don’t know how to just go to sleep.”

She leaned over to him. She put her muzzle extremely close.

“There are too many thoughts flitting about inside thy head. Be peaceful. Be calm!”

“I… okay.”

He closed his eyes and cleared his mind. He could feel her beside him. Then, he felt her presence vanish.

He opened his eyes. He was standing in an endless dark void.

“Princess Luna?”

“Here.”

Luna stepped out the darkness. Her form was vague and shimmery, like a rippled reflection of herself in a pond.

“Radish Root. Thou hast improved thy barding. We approve.”

Radish looked at himself. He was back in armor, but it was different. The armor was black with purple highlights, polished to a mirror sheen, and decorated with a blue crescent moon medallion instead of the normal star.

“I don’t understand.”

“Come. We go now to avert this crisis.”

“How do we start?”

“Behold. Dreaming minds.”

She waved to the empty air in front of them, and a thousand bubbles swooped past them. Each one contained a different scene playing out. Some featured ponies going about mundane activities, others contained fantastic action and adventures. Many depicted sex.

"Each of these is someone's dream?" asked Radish.

"Yes."

“So we just find a dream from someone in Appleloosa, get into their head, and tell them what to do?”

“Yes. We are searching for the best lead. Ah here!”

A glowing sphere settled in front them. Radish could only make out a swirl of sharply-contrasting colors from within.

“Whose dream is this?”

“The one named Pinkie Pie.”

“Really? I don’t think we should go in there.”

“Why not?”

“I get the impression her head is rather… chaotic.”

“You fear the mind of a sweets baker? Radish Root, we will not have so cowardly a guard in our service.”

“Okay, okay. Let’s go in.”



 

Twilight Sparkle paced worriedly across the floorboards of her Appleloosan hotel room as Spike and her friends watched. Twilight turned to Spike.

“Anything?”

“No, Twilight! If Radish were sending you a letter, you’d know!”

“Are you sure you’re not… stopped up?”

Rainbow Dash snickered.

“No, I’m not stopped up! Radish probably missed your letter because he’s sleeping!”

“No, he’s on the Night Shift guarding Princess Luna! That means he would have gotten it, and he would’ve had Princess Luna send back his response!”

“Are you sure Princess Luna knows how to send back a letter through me?”

“Of course! I mean… why wouldn’t she?”

“Twilight!”

“Well, I’m sure they’ll figure it out if it means stopping a war!”

She looked at Pinkie Pie, who was in bed, snoozing on her back with her legs in the air.

“Pinkie Pie! How can you sleep at a time like this?”

“Aw, let her sleep, Twilight,” said Applejack. “We ain’t a-gonna be any help to anyone if we’re bushed.”

“We haven’t been any help at all! This is a disaster! Ponies and buffalo are going to get hurt, and history books are going to put all the blame on me!”

“Uh, why?” asked Spike.

“Because… I don’t know! I represent Princess Celestia and the Elements of Harmony! I should have thought of something that made everything all right!”

“It’s okay, Twilight,” Spike said encouragingly. “This is your first war! I’m sure you’ll have everything figured out by the next one!”

“The next one!?”







Radish and Luna found themselves in a cozy bakery kitchen. Radish assumed it was the one Pinkie Pie worked in. Twilight had mentioned it a few times in her letters.

“Miss Pie? Can you hear me?” called out Radish.

“Speak, Pie! We require thee!” called Luna.

Pinkie Pie popped up behind Radish's back.

“Hi there! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!”

She gazed up at Luna. She gasped excitedly.

“Hey, I know you! We’ve met! You were Nightmare Moon!”

Radish slapped his forehead. He slowly inched back. Luna advanced on her angrily.

“Silence! Speak not of such things!” 

“My bad! What can I get you?”

“Thy rapt attention! We have approached thee through thy dreams to deliver a royal advisory! Thou will heed our words!”

“Huh? Through my dreams?”

Radish stepped closer.

“Pinkie Pie, I’m Radish Root. We’re here to talk you through the land dispute with Chief Thunderhooves.”

“Radish Root? Twilight’s pen pal Radish Root? Wasn’t there something funny about you?”

“Never mind that now. Can you listen to what we say and then repeat it to Twilight when you wake up?”

“I doubt it. I never remember my dreams.”

“Pie, we find thee vexing,” huffed Luna.

“Well, do you at least talk in your sleep?” asked Radish. “Maybe the others can hear you.”

“Talk in my sleep? I dunno. How could I know that?”

“Do not thy copious bedfellows relay such information to thee?” Luna asked.

Radish cringed.

“Uh, who says I have copious bedfellows? Radish! What has Twilight been writing about me?”

“Nothing like that!”

“We meant no offense,” said Luna. “Thou appear quite capricious and frivolous in manner. Mares of a similar bearing in our day had but one thing on their minds- to frolic with as many stallions as possible… or other mares, if ‘twas their wont. Sometimes both.”

“Is this your war advice?” asked Pinkie Pie. “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

“Pinkie, listen,” said Radish, “the Plains Rangers went through a long and rocky learning period to get along with buffalo. The key is respect. That’s your foundation that you build everything else on. Compromise and empathize.”

“You mean… you gotta share… and you gotta care?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Nope. That didn’t work.”

“What? Okay, start finding commonalities. Things both sides already agree on.”

“Like their diets, or how they all have hooves? Tried that.”

“No, something-”

“Pie, there is but one certain way to dispel the clouds of war betwixt two disparate peoples!” Luna said. “An arranged political marriage to unite the belligerents!”

Radish winced.

“Ooh! That would be so cute!” said Pinkie Pie, excitedly. “Imagine the babies! They’d be so fuzzy! I'll definitely remember something like that when I wake up!”

“Excellent! Good luck, Pie. Remember, ‘twas thy Princess Luna, not Celestia, who saved this day.”

“Bye!”





Pinkie Pie muttered through her snoring.

“You were Nightmare Moon!” she announced to the ceiling.

All heads turned to her sleeping body.

“What did she say?” asked Applejack. “Nightmare Moon?”

“Huh? Radish Root?” Pinkie Pie mumbled.

“Radish Root? Hey Twilight! She’s dreaming about your boyfriend!” chuckled Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, hush,” said Twilight. “She’s never even met Radish. Unless… of course! Luna is the night princess! She and Radish must be reaching out to Pinkie Pie through her dreams!”

“Don’t that beat all. So she’ll tell us what they’re sayin’ when she wakes up?” asked Applejack.

“I doubt it. I never remember my dreams,” mumbled Pinkie Pie.

“Whoa, weird,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Well, at least she talks in her sleep. Spike, write down what she says,” said Twilight.

“…I have copious bedfellows…” moaned Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash snickered. Fluttershy blushed.

“Oh, I’ll have what she’s having!” laughed Rarity.

“Copious… bed…” repeated Spike, writing on a scroll.

“Don’t write that!” hissed Twilight.

“Is this your war advice?” muttered Pinkie Pie.

“War advice! This is it!” Twilight said excitedly.

“… gotta share… gotta care…”

“Ugh! Not this again!” spat Twilight.

“Imagine the babies!”

“Babies? What babies?” asked Fluttershy.

“Bye!”

Pinkie Pie snapped awake. She saw her friends gathered around her, staring expectantly.

“Uh… oh. Hi, everypony. Were you all just watching me sleep?”

“Pinkie Pie! Were you just talking to Radish Root and Princess Luna in your dreams?” Twilight desperately asked.

“Uh, I think so?”

“What did they say?”

“I think Princess Luna called me a loose mare. And that I remind her of a lot of loose mares from olden times?”

“Hey! Not in front of Spike!” warned Twilight.

“What?” asked Spike.

“Wow, Luna’s kind of judgy for an ex-con,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Now, Pinkie, don’t you listen to her. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with enjoyin’ a roll in the hay,” assured Applejack.

“Did Radish say anything?” asked Twilight.

“Nothing we haven’t tried.”

“Seriously? Then we’re just… out of options?”

"Did they say something about babies?" asked Fluttershy.

Pinkie Pie scratched her head. "Uh... I don't think so."

“Pinkie Pie, dear, are you sure this was a genuine communiqué from the palace, or were you just dreaming?” asked Rarity.

“No! I can prove it! I can tell you what Radish looks like! He wears terrifying black shiny armor with a fearsome moon symbol on his chest!”

“Really?” asked Fluttershy.

“He does not!” said Twilight.

“Oh. I guess it wasn’t him, then.”

“Ugh. Everyone get some sleep,” said Twilight. “We’ll figure this out in the morning.”





Radish opened his eyes. He was back in Luna’s bed. Luna was staring down at him. He slightly twisted his body.

“Our advisory was a success! Soon the warring sides will be united as family.”

“Princess Luna!” shouted Radish, sitting up.

“What?”

“These things have to be handled delicately! You can’t just order strangers to marry off willy-nilly! There are serious consequences in… in…”

Luna gazed down at him, eyes furrowed and lips pursed.

“Guardstallion Root. Thou raise thy voice at thy princess? Thou would gainsay a royal advisory?”

“I’m… I’m sorry.”

Luna closed her eyes to calm herself.

“We do not surround ourselves with brown-nosers and apple-polishers like some princesses we could name. We respect thee for voicing thine concerns.”

“You do? Really?”

“We do not, however, respect being bellowed at like a common school filly!”

“Please forgive me.”

“Thy princess shall forgive you. War brings out the worst in all of us.”

“Princess, I’m worried about Twilight and her friends.”

“Dost thou trust them?”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean every situation is in their control.”

“Nay. But perhaps their Element of Harmony jewels can calm the rage of war should our advice fail.”

“I don’t think they bring those everywhere they go.”

Luna reeled back.

“What foolishness is this? Radish Root, they are doomed.”

“Thanks, princess.”



  Dear Radish,

I think we got some signals crossed during the Appleloosan conflict. Luckily, both sides wanted peace more than war, and now they’ve found that friendship can bring very different peoples together.

Spike seems to think that Little Strongheart and Braeburn are on the cusp of a relationship. He tends to romanticize everything, but Pinkie Pie got really excited about the idea of a marriage between the two of them. If you have any insight into pony-buffalo romance that could help them navigate these waters, please let me know.

  Your Pen Pal,

  Twilight Sparkle	 



  Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I do not.

  Your Pen Pal,

  Radish Root