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// How did we miss that? 
// Story: Humans are WHAT color? 
// by Ninjadeadbeard 
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“Okay, so… one more time: Why am I here?”

Rainbow Dash asked this as she lay in the grass in front of Canterlot High School, from which she and all her friends had just graduated. It was a bright, full day of summer with no pressing engagements nor adult obligations to get in the way of some good, old-fashioned ‘chillaxing’.

And yet, here she was, along with Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle (the human one), sitting in front of the still-statue-less Wondercolt statue plinth, waiting for some bigshot ‘literal-who?’ pony to saunter on through at their convenience.

Wasting a perfectly good summer day should be a crime.

“You… kinda invited yourself along, actually,” said Sunset, giving her friend a curious frown. “Not that we don’t want to hang with you, but...”

Dash raised an eyebrow of her own. “Thanks, but, why did I come along, again?”

“Because the power at your place is down, so you can’t play the new Crash Sisters: Ultimate online?” Twilight pointedly said. She sat a few feet away, reading something on her phone. “This didn’t really seem to be your thing, by the way, or we would have invited you…”

“That does sound like me,” said Rainbow, scratching at her chin.

A moment or two of silence passed. The wind blew softly across the school grounds, lightly flicking the three girls’ hair as they lay or stood around.

Twilight sighed. “You didn’t listen to the reason why we’re out here, did you?”

“Not even a word of it.”

Sunset and Twilight groaned in unison.

Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose, and said, “Alright. One more time. We’re here because Starswirl the Bearded wanted to come and visit, and he’s agreed to bring a list of all the magic stuff he dumped into this dimension.”

“Starswirl?” Dash asked, her nose scrunching up. “That the guy who invented telepathy? Isn’t he old? Like, thousands-of-years-old? Is that a normal pony thing?”

“Telescope…” Twilight growled. “He invented… the telescope. And I’m surprised you knew even that.”

Dash smiled, smugly. “I passed History, Twi…”

“With a Gentlemare’s C,” whispered Sunset.

Twilight frowned. “A Gentle-what?”

“… and besides that, Big Mac stat’d him up in O&O once,” Rainbow added with a shrug. “I wanted to play a wizard, so…”

“Starswirl isn’t actually that old,” Sunset sighed, dragging the conversation back onto the topic at hand. “I mean, yeah. He’s old, but not a thousand years. He just spent that time trapped in Limbo.”

“Wouldn’t that hurt his back if he’s old?”

“Limbo is a dimension, Dash!” Sunset snarled, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the tiny snort of laughter she failed to suppress. “He was basically frozen in time.”

At that, Dash’s eyes lit up.

“Like… Buck Dodger?” she asked, her interest piquing.

“Who the what?” asked Sunset.

“Buck Dodger!” Rainbow sat up again, eyes flashing. “From the comics? He’s like, a goose who got frozen a hundred years ago, and wakes up to become this awesome crime-fighting space-crusader!”

Sunset’s frown deepened. She pursed her lips, and said, “That sounds like the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Twi? You ever hear of this…?”

“Of course, I know who Buck Dodger is!” Twilight laughed, a deeply nostalgic smile crossing her face. “Shining and I used to watch the cartoon show all the time!”

Rainbow Dash leapt to her feet instantly, and a terrible, terrible thing happened.

She and Twilight began to sing the theme song. Which would normally be fine. Both of them were amazing singers, after all. They were in a band.

But they weren’t singing normally. No… the two girls began to sing in an imitation of the supposed theme music’s singing.

Which, to Sunset, sounded like a bear learning to gargle.

“... in the Thirtieth, and one-sixteenth… CENTURYYYYYY!” they blared out the notes as one.

The display was loud, off-key, and generally obnoxious. But it also ended mercifully quickly, as both Dash and Twilight half-collapsed into giggles partway through.

“Okay,” Sunset sighed again. “I guess that… answers that. Freaking human culture...”

Rainbow also sighed, her breath returning after her sudden lyrical exertion. “Sweet! I didn’t know you were into Buck too, Twi!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say I’m into it…”

“Nah, you’d fit right in at the conventions.” Rainbow chuckled, and wiped her brow clean. Then, with a smile, she added, “So. Starswirl. When he gets here, we jump him. Right?”

Another moment of silence passed. The wind, as it breezed through the girls’ hair this time, almost sounded embarrassed. Like it had just walked into something it wanted desperately out of.

“Uh… jump him?” asked Twilight, brows bunching in concern.

Dash waved one hand about. “Yeah, you know. Geek the mage, and all that?”

“Geek the… what!?” Sunset shook her head, and shot a glare Rainbow’s way. “What the heck does that mean!?”

“It’s from a boardgame my brothers play,” Twilight groaned. “And Dad. And Mom. Uh, so does Midnight. And Grammy was a fan too…”

Sunset frowned again. “Twi.”

“Sorry!” Twilight readjusted her glasses. “Term from a game called Crystaltrot. Means to ‘beat up the spellcaster’, since they could be very dangerous to—”

“WE ARE NOT GEEKING STARSWIRL THE FREAKING BEARDED!!!”

Rainbow Dash flinched at the sound of Sunset metaphorically exploding, and took a moment afterward to stick a pinkie in her ear. Her hearing restored by this measure, she gave Sunset another frown.

“Uh, why not?” she asked. “Didn’t he start all this by dumping all his magical crap into our universe?”

Sunset blinked, face still flush from nearly popping a blood vessel. “Yes, but…”

Twilight coughed. “Um…” she said, very slowly, “… he also threw a bunch of evil magical monsters into our universe. Like, Gaea Everfree, maybe? And the Sirens?”

“He didn’t know this universe had some magic,” Sunset replied, one hand already pressing into her temple. “And your sister got a girlfriend out of that last one.”

Twilight frowned, clearly recalling how Midnight Sparkle was, indeed, dating a trans-dimensional fishpony.

“And for that matter,” Sunset said, wheeling back around to Rainbow Dash, “you all got magic superpowers out of the deal, so cut him some slack!”

Dash held up her hands in silent surrender. “Alright! Alright! Was just asking!”

Sunset shook her head again, and groaned.

“No, no… it’s fine,” she said, sighing. “I just… would like one of these things to go right, for once. Starswirl is… well, he was one of my idols. My hero, growing up. I don’t want anything to go wrong with his visit.

“Especially,” she said with a finger-jab at Dash, “since he’s coming to help with all the magic crap he caused. So, please? Cool it when he’s here?”

After a moment, Rainbow nodded, and gave her friend an open smile.

“Don’t worry, Sunset,” she said, wrapping one arm around Sunset’s shoulders in a half-hug that the red-and-gold haired girl reciprocated readily. “He’s gonna love every second he’s here. Promise!”

And, like magic, that seemed to be what the portal was waiting for. The portal-side face of the statue plinth roared to life, silvery light washing over it in a wave. The very air hummed as dimensional barriers slipped aside and allowed the portal to open.

All three girls stood ready, a makeshift welcoming party. And none of them stood directly in front of the portal itself.

They knew better by now.

With a rumble, a crackle, and a whoosh, a blue and gray blur hurtled through the whirlpool of magic, and sailed headlong into the grass a few yards past Dash, Sunset, and Twilight.

“Ow,” the crumpled pile of limbs and silver hair said after a second or two of stillness. The girls rushed to his side, and quickly assessed the damages.

Rainbow took hold of a shoulder, and pulled the older man up.

Actually… not too old, as it would seem. As Starswirl the Bearded slowly got back to his feet, it became clear to Rainbow Dash and the others that his form across the Mirror was… less than his ancient reputation would have suggested. He could have passed for an older sibling, in fact. Or a very, very young parent, but nothing like the grandfatherly figure his statue in the Canterlot Observatory would have suggested.

Tall and willowy, dressed in a deep blue suit trimmed in gold and silver star-cufflinks and tie, only the belt-length beard stood out as odd or unflattering.

That, and the hat.

“Really?” Rainbow Dash sighed, staring at the series of tiny bells lining the wizard-like cap atop his head. “I guess the beard makes sense, but these?”

“Eugh,” Starswirl groaned, and pinched his eyes shut. “It’s not my fault that hats don’t translate well through dimensional portals.”

“Wait, really?”

“No,” he lied. Then, the older man stretched himself straight up, and kept bending until his back was nearly level again to the ground.

A furious, deafening crack emanated from his spine, finally allowing Starswirl a moment of pure, unadulterated bliss.

“You have no idea how long it’s been since I was a biped,” he sighed, and rolled his shoulders. “As bad as it is on my hips, I do enjoy the way this body cracks when I stretch.”

He glanced towards Sunset Shimmer.

“Ah…” he said, slowly. “Miss Shimmer. So good to see you… again?”

Starswirl pursed his lips, and narrowed his eyes. He almost seemed confused by the sight of the amber-colored teenager.

“Is… something the matter?” she asked, glancing down at herself in case there was something he could be glaring at. “I didn’t spill anything on my shirt, did I?”

“No, nothing like that,” Starswirl said, at last. Then, smiling, he added, “Well. Nothing terrible, at least. Just a dimensional… thing…”

His voice hitched as he slowly turned around and got a look at Twilight Sparkle. There, his eyes widened, and his smile faded.

Twilight frowned. “Everything alright?”

Starswirl licked his lips.

“Ah… yes?” he said, even more slowly than before.

Rainbow Dash took a step forward, and shoved her face under his nose.

“Hey, you doing alright, Mr. Swirly?” she said, a questioning look on her face. “You seem like something’s bothering you?”

Starswirl looked down at the bright blue and rainbow-hued girl next to him. His eyes, already quite wide, widened still more.

For some reason, he was sweating.

“N-nothing, nothing at all!” he said, quickly now. Then, clapping his hands, he turned back towards Sunset. “I suppose it really has been a while since I’ve been back. Your clothes all look so… different!”

He threw a look over towards the school building itself.

“And, my word!” he cried. “Hooman construction has come a long way, hasn’t it?”

Sunset, Twilight, and Rainbow each looked to one another. Eyebrows went up, and their lips pursed in an untrusting, curious way.

But Starswirl was already walking around the Wondercolt statue plinth, hands waving about towards the street where he could point to a passing car.

“Carts!” he shouted, joyfully. “Look at that! Some sort of motorized carts! How fascinating! Is it magic, or more of the technological wonders Princess Twilight spoke of?”

Twilight hummed. “I mean… he did hit his head coming out of the portal…”

“He’s acting more weird than just hitting his head,” Rainbow Dash said. “He’s being shifty.”

Sunset gripped both girls by the shoulders, and smiled.

“Guys, this is basically the Ur-Twilight,” she said, nodding towards the eccentric wizard marveling at a nearby light pole and babbling on about ‘hooman’ technology. “He’s probably just shocked at how much has changed in a thousand years. Give him a moment?”

At this, Starswirl spun back around and gave the three girls a toothy grin.

“Ah, forgive me!” he laughed. Walking back, Starswirl slapped his forehead, and seemed to briefly wonder at the absence of a horn atop his head. “Sometimes, I can let myself get away with my thoughts. I’m fine now. Really.

“I was just struck by your color… ful clothing,” he said, pointing out Twilight’s pink vest, Sunset’s jacket trim, and Rainbow’s super-saturated spectrum-colored shoes. “Your world really has advanced far beyond my wildest dreams if dye is so inexpensive.”

Sunset smiled again, and hugged her friends close.

“See?” she asked, letting them go. “What’d I tell ya? He’s just a big old geek like us!”

Rainbow Dash glared. “HEY! I am not a geek!”

But the spell was broken, and Twilight and Rainbow let the odd thoughts of Starswirl hiding something slip from their minds. With little more than a shaky laugh, Twilight was already asking the wizard about his portals and how he’d discovered their world in the first place, and Rainbow began thinking up a few choice pranks she could pull before he inevitably had to go home.

Quite frankly, Sunset was just glad to have a real helping hand around for once. Someone who knew magic like she did. Someone who knew where all the metaphorical bodies were buried, and could help her protect the people here that she loved from magic gone awry.

It would prove to be a marvelous weekend.

And no one ever noticed the way Starswirl would balk and stare at every single person they met along the way.

Nor did they ever wonder why he seemed to sweat so much…





“So… you touched it.”

It wasn’t a question.

The rather embarrassed peasant twisted his hat in his hands, and shuffled his feet.

“Well… it were making an awful racket…”

“And then you touched it,” Clover said again, dragging one orange hand through his twisted, curly beard. “Despite the fact that Master Starswirl told you not to touch it last time he was here…”

“It were an accident!” the peasant pleaded, red in the face.

Well. He didn’t have a choice in being red now.

Clover the Clever adjusted his footing – stupid bipedal stance! – and scanned the faces before him again. A whole tribe of hoomans, who had no more than a month prior been a shade of pink and brown, now stood out to the wizard like somepony had smeared colorful paint all over a woodcut and called it ‘art’.

Thanks, Starswirl, he thought bitterly. Thank you so much for leaving me yet another of your little projects. Goofed up, and unfinished. As usual…

He sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

The peasant, an almost identical duplicate of Chancellor Puddinghead back home, sniffled and glanced back towards his people.

His now technicolor, and not at all normal humanly-colored people.

“The gem was destroyed when it got touched,” he explained, sorrowfully. “But since then, everyone’s changed color! Even other villages have changed! This is a disaster.

“I know Master Starswirl said not to touch it, but…” Puddinghead shook his head and looked back up at Clover. “… isn’t there something you can do? Anything?”

Clover sighed, and looked over the hoomans one more time. Then, he gave a long, slow shrug of his shoulders.

“You know… yes. I think there is something I can do,” he said.

The crowd cheered, happy to know that something was being done. That the Wizards who had visited their clan many times before and shared such knowledge and secrets of the beyond had come to help them in their hour of need.

“Thank ye, Master Clever!” Puddinghead laughed. “We’ll never forget yer kindness!”

Clover the Clever pulled out a strange stone from his green cloak, and traced one finger down its strange patterns.

Well… I was just going to dump it here anyway. Might as well get one good use out of the darn thing.

“Oh, no. No…” he said as he prepared the Memory Stone’s signature spell.

Then, with a sad smile, he said, “Forget about it. I insist…”







Ah. Old medieval art? I admit, it is quite strange to see humans without our signature rainbow-variety in skin coloration, but you must understand that certain art styles and motifs are more metaphorical in nature. Humans of those times assigned some sort of cultural or artistic or even spiritual symbolism to the pink and brown color spectrum that we in the modern era are simply unaware of. Sadly, this mystery has been lost to time. I certainly don’t hold with those crackpot conspiracy theorists who claim all humans were pink and brown once.

Who would have changed us? Aliens? Hilarious, but not historical or scientific, I’m afraid.




--Excerpt from "Color: The Human Experience", by Dr Armchair Authority