//------------------------------// // All’s Fair in Love and War // Story: “And then… APPLEJACK WILL BE ALL MINE!” // by Rune Soldier Dan //------------------------------// Wheels shrieked, and the train lurched as it ground to a halt. Autumn Blaze picked her head up sharply, but none of the other passengers followed suit. This was normal, or so it seemed. It was Autumn’s first time on a train, and she supposed this made sense – the ride had to stop somehow. She turned back to the window, beaming at the still village outside. Her tasseled tail wagged rhythmically, and her hooves made excited little tip-taps on the bench. She made it. Ponyville. The home of Applejack, her future wife. That came many steps later, of course. First came the dating. The picnics and plays. Adorable nose-nuzzles and kisses on those perfect freckled cheeks. They would wear silken wedding dresses, Autumn would move in on the farm, and they would live happily ever after. There was no doubt in Autumn’s mind. She knew Applejack was the one ever since she laid eyes on her, and everything the mare said and did since only reinforced this. She embraced Autumn’s eccentricity, forgave her outbursts, heard her story, saved the kirin… the one. Love or motion sickness made her legs wobble as she left the train. The Friendship Doom Fortress and other sights of Ponyville stood around, but Autumn was a mare on a mission. The sun above was just beginning its descent – plenty of time to go see Applejack. They would say hi, hug. If Applejack was busy Autumn would help out. If not, she’d ask Applejack to show her around town. There would be ice cream, gossip, freckles. Autumn would shyly drop that she had no place to stay, so Applejack would of course host her because Applejack was a beautiful and generous mare. Of course, her house had no guest rooms (Autumn did not actually know this) so they would share the bed... Autumn pranced through town, barely noticing the world around. She only paused to ask a white unicorn directions to Sweet Apple Acres before speeding towards it on twinkling hooves. Mouth in a smile, she bounced down the warm, well-trod path. The strange, flat fields of Ponyville rapidly gave way to orchards and the subtle, homely smell of apples. How fitting that Applejack lived in a forest, just like the kirin! Yes, a little more organized, but what was an apple orchard if not a tidy forest? Further proof that Autumn and she were a match made in Heaven, not that any more was needed. She saw the farmhouse in the distance. Song bubbled and burst from Autumn’s mouth, to the tune of ‘Yankee Doodle.’ “I am coming for you, AJ, To be your one and only bride! Thighs like thunder And a golden mane And smile, so bright and so wide! Tis I, your one and only sweetheart! I, who love you most of fall...” “...Fall?” A rope caught her hooves, sinfully tied between two apple trees. Autumn pitched forwards, right onto a pile of strange, squishy red fruit that burst under her weight, caking her in sticky juices. She laid, face-down, blinking. She licked her lips. Sweet and tart. A voice came from the side, squeaky like a tuneless violin. First it laughed, then said, “Oh, I wish I had a camera! You should have seen the look on your dumb face.” No steps came, but Autumn heard a light flapping. She turned her head to see a butter-yellow pegasus float from some hiding spot and land on the road. The mare leaned down to Autumn, twisting her lips in an ‘O’ of feigned sadness. “Oooh, you poor dear. No way you can go to Applejack looking like that.” Autumn clambered to her hooves, feeling something like a match strike within her. Her eyes glowed hot, then cooled as she held control. She looked down, seeing red juices coat her legs and chest. “Who are you?” “I’m Strawberry Sunrise, Applejack’s future wife,” the mare said with aggressive, sugary sweetness. She even curtsied a little, and popped one of the small fruits in her mouth. “It’s so nice to meet you.” Autumn shook herself and jabbed a limb towards the mare’s chest. “You can’t be her wife! One, I’m going to be her wife, and two, Applejack is a sweet, beautiful, kind-hearted soul who would never marry some jerk standing in the way of her true love!” Strawberry gave a coy laugh into the back of her hoof. “Says who? Some one-shot recluse loser, pathetically falling in love with the first woman you’ve met who doesn’t treat you like garbage?” “Yeah?” Autumn barked. “Well what are you? A one-shot jerk comically mistaking antagonism for romance?” Strawberry gave a huff. “There is no mistake. Applejack is a witty, smart, fellow-farmer who spars with me every day: strawberries, or tasteless, yucky apples? We are passionate, immovable, undeniable. Never seeing eye-to-eye as two sides of the same coin, united in all else. We shall argue tit-for-tat on our wedding night, and then make fierce and passionate love as rivals and wives.” “Whatever, Trenderhoof.” “You take that back,” Strawberry hissed. “And while you’re at it, you better hope Applejack is into beards.” “RrrrrAnd you better hope she’s into burns!” Her coat went black and her mane turned to hellfire as Autumn let her temper loose and her nirik out to play. Not just for her own bruised ego, but to save Applejack from this harpy! She roared, and her sharp-toothed mouth snapped. Strawberry fearlessly leaped into the air, bringing her hoof down in a powerful kick. Then came a snap, a woosh, and a giant net caught the pegasus mid-fall. Autumn’s eyes traced its work: a mesh net on a clever metal spring, now erect to leave Strawberry dangling like an apple. The red light of a laser motion sensor now was visible, fixed squarely on Strawberry. Whoever had done this was either a technical genius or quite rich. The answer came easily enough, stepping out of the trees like a nervous deer. She was a soft green pony, with black or purple hair that spiraled at its ends with teal highlights. Makeup and eyeliner spoke of high fashion, and manicured hooves picked their way delicately around any mud. She had a kind voice, though one cracked with pent-up anger. “Waylaid another pony with your dirty tricks, Strawberry?” “Look who’s talking!” the pegasus snapped. “I might not like the game, but I’ve learned the rules.” The newcomer gave Autumn a strained smile. “Hi, my name is Coloratura, but you can call me Rara. I’m Applejack’s future wife.” The nirik vanished, leaving only Autumn. Alas, it did not burn off the strawberry juice. “I’m Autumn Blaze, and… uh, same?” “Not hardly, I’m afraid.” Rara gave a small, defensive smile. “Honest, stable, muscular Applejack is my childhood friend, you see. That means I saw her first, and have dibs. I might not have much in common with her, but our tender emotional connection shall see us united in the end.” “Emotional connection?” “Applejack was nice to her.” Strawberry sneered. “She’s nice to everyone, Rara! You have no advantage over the rest of us.” “I called dibs,” Rara huffed. Autumn raised her hoof. “Wait, ‘rest of us?’ How many are...” “Camping with her as a child then transferring to Harvard for Celebrities doesn’t count as dibs, you stupid Moe,” Strawberry called. “Neither does coming home after ditching her for the spotlight to find she’s still nice to you and all of a sudden you think you’re star-crossed. Real romance isn’t about niceness, it’s about passion! Competition and head-butting, so you never grow stale and bored with each other! That’s why I am perfect for Applejack because she...” Autumn tuned out the captured pegasus. “So, um, Rara… I’m new to this. Should we fight?” Rara looked her up and down. “No need. You can’t propose to Applejack looking like that.” It was true. Rara smirked and threw out her hair. “Every weekend I come, because of course I mustn't interrupt my dear future wife while she is working. And every weekend I am delayed and defeated by my rivals. Held up so long that it becomes night when my dear future wife needs her sleep, or dirtied so terribly that I could not show my face to her. Those few times I made it… another did as well! And we had to talk pleasantly and make nice, for of course I cannot propose while the other might interfere, and we cannot fight because Applejack would disapprove of us both.” “No. I’m sorry, Autumn, but it is not enough for me to win. All others must lose. It is a difficult battle, but for the sake of true love I shall fight until my ultimate triumph. And with that, my dear defeated adversaries: adieu!” Rara began trotting down the path, nose to the air and humming some pop tune. Autumn sat dejectedly in the shade of Strawberry’s net. Rara was right – no way could she appear before sweet Applejack smeared with juice. She would have to leave, and Rara would have Applejack all to herself. Noise came, this time from behind. Tan-tipped ears flicked upwards. High, repetitive shouts, growing closer. A twang like Applejack’s, but a shriller voice. “Hay-chips, pastries, water! Get yer hay-chips, pastries, water!” Hope returned to Autumn’s golden eyes. She leaped up, waving the pony closer. “Water! I want some water!” Wheels creaked and rounded a bend, revealing a redheaded filly pulling a cart. “Howdy, stranger! Three bits a bucket for water.” Truly an unfair price, but Autumn wasn’t in any position to argue. The coins clinked into a little jar on the cart. The filly pumped the water from a drum hanging off the side and hoofed it to Autumn. Autumn cheerfully washed herself clean. Then, feeling peckish, she paid another eight bits for more water and an apple turnover and sat down to lunch. “Hi, Apple Bloom,” Strawberry called from above. “Howdy, Strawberry. The usual?” “How much to get me down?” Apple Bloom nodded her head to a pair of pole-handled pruners on the cart. “Same as ever. Twenty bits for it now, complimentary at sundown.” “Shoot, I didn’t bring enough. Just the usual, then.” Four bits dropped into Apple Bloom’s waiting jar. The filly assembled a thick cheese sandwich and peppered carrot, put them in a bag tied to a pole, and raised it up to Strawberry. The sound of quiet munching came from the net as Apple Bloom stowed her gear. “See y’all later,” she said. She tapped the coin jar for a happy little jingle, then trotted off shouting at the top of her lungs. “Hay-chips, pastries, water!” Energized from her meal, Autumn galloped down the path. Her new, prissy rival had a head-start, but wasn’t athletic like Autumn (and Applejack!). A powerful sprint would pass her by. In fact, the passing came a moment later. Rara sat glumly on the road with a crushed, red-filled pie broken over her head. No way could she propose to Applejack like that. Autumn smiled. Froze. Dodged. The crust of a cherry pie brushed against her ears, passing through where her face stood an instant before. Haughty, loud laughter came from a small hill by the road, all from a plump earth pony with a pale yellow coat, crimson hair, and twang that rivaled even Applejack’s. “Well butter my backside and call me Applejack’s future wife, if it isn’t another so-called rival!” The mare casually tossed another pie to the air and caught it, giving a challenging leer. “My name is Cherry Jubilee, boss of Cherry Hill Ranch. I’ve been farming fruit for twenty years and never thought I’d find an equal until the day I met fast, hunky, hard-working Applejack! I knew from the moment I saw those powerful legs buck my trees that she was the one, and ain’t nopony getting in my way!” “Aren’t you a bit old for her?” Autumn said. “MILFs are hot,” Cherry replied. “Besides, Applejack deserves an experienced mare who knows how to please her. Not some, oh I don’t know, hermit recluse who talks to watermelons.” Autumn shook her head, feeling the fire spark within once more. “She deserves someone who loves her for more than her job, old lady! Someone like me, Autumn Blaze!” Cherry looked down sternly. “Don’t fight me. You can’t win, Autumn, I have the high ground.” It was true. Autumn glanced to each side, fruitlessly seeking a way out of her hopeless situation. Salvation, however, came from the rear. A maroon, pink-haired mare appeared behind Cherry and knocked her out cold with a baseball bat. “Oh great, another rival.” The mare stood over Cherry, looking down to Autumn and jamming a hoof at her chest. “Listen up, I don’t have time for long-winded introductions. We’re both here for the same thing, so let’s not waste time. Those thick, beautiful legs and soulful green eyes are calling me to the altar.” “Mare after my own heart,” Autumn growled with a smile. They drew near, circling each other warily. Autumn had the advantage with magic, but she couldn’t channel it without focus. Doing so would make her easy prey for the bat. ...Which admittedly seemed like a bit of an escalation. “Is Cherry gonna be okay?” “Probably.” The newcomer shrugged. “All’s fair in love and war, kirin, and this is both. A war for the heart of the most beautiful farm-pony in the world!” Autumn crouched, ready to spring. “So it would seem. I’ll crush you and everypony else who gets in my way. And then… APPLEJACK WILL BE ALL MINE!” Autumn released an evil laugh, though the mare’s words cut it short. “You mean Big Macintosh.” Autumn blinked. “Who?” “Macintosh?” The mare stared into Autumn’s blank expression. “Big, red, handsome stallion?” “Am I in the wrong place?” Autumn asked. “I’m looking for Applejack.” “Oh. Oh!” The mare shook her head. “You’re one of those… oh, I see.” She lowered the bat, smiling in a quite pleasant and friendly way. “I’m sorry, we got off on the wrong hoof. My name’s Cheerilee, and I’m looking for Applejack’s older brother, Big Macintosh. No, you’re not in the wrong place. I’m really sorry for threatening you, you’re new here so I wasn’t sure if you were my rival.” “Hey, no problem!” Autumn beamed to her. “It’s kind of my fault, too, I should have been more clear. My name’s Autumn Blaze, it’s good to meet you!” They shook hooves. Then a yellow pegasus tackled Cheerilee. The pair tumbled into the underbrush, punching and swearing. “Hi, Fluttershy!” Autumn waved. “Hi, Autumn,” Fluttershy replied before resuming her tirade. “Literally your only romantic interaction was fueled by drugs! My perfect husbando deserves someone who...” Much as Autumn would love to catch up with Fluttershy, she seemed busy. No more hopping or prancing. Autumn dashed forwards, now fully appreciating the woeful odds against her. There could be hundreds in these orchards, all seeking the same goal! For a mare as beautiful and freckled as Applejack, it wouldn’t surprise Autumn in the least. She had to run, run! Or so she thought. When the leaves gave way beneath her and she tumbled into the pit, Autumn realized that perhaps striking a balance with caution would have served her better. At least she landed on a downy feather bed, perfectly matching the hole’s dimensions so it could not be missed. It was a soft fall, but Autumn could only sit helpless as hoofsteps approached from above. Oddly, two ponies came into sight at the edge of the pit. A familiar white unicorn, gazing down with regal disdain, and a rainbow-maned pegasus trying to scrunch her face to the same expression and failing. Synchronized, they began pacing around the pit’s edge. The unicorn began. “I thought we might meet again, darling. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Rarity, Applejack’s best friend, spa-buddy, and… oh, yes. Future wife.” The pegasus slipped on the lip of the hole, kicking down a little dirt before quickly righting herself. “And I’m Rainbow Dash! Applejack’s bestest-best-friend, sports rival, and future wife.” Autumn waved upwards. “I’m Autumn Blaze. But, uh, why are you two be working together? She can only marry one of us.” Rarity laughed coyly into a hoof. “Oh, darling. While you and the others battle it out in endless stalemate like brutes, some of us are canny enough to play the long game. I merely have to delay you all to win her heart as I slowly build towards my final move. The perfect ring, the perfect date and moment and Horoscope, and I shall strike without mercy and win the perfect mare. Strong, twangy, loving Applejack!” “Long game, right, same for me!” Rainbow puffed out her wings. “I’m totally playing the long game, and definitely not getting to her first every day and chickening out! I just need to stop everyone else until I work up the… I mean, until my plans and stuff r...ripen? Yeah, ripen! Like an apple! An apple named Applejack, with a butt like KAPOW and legs like HRRGH!” “Well...” Autumn eyed the smooth walls and shrugged. “You got me. I guess you’re going home now, what with the ‘long game’ and all?” “Heck no!” Rainbow blurted. Even from down here, Autumn could see her blush. “I’m running to her right now and we’re going to make AWESOME KISSIES!” “But Rainbow, daaaahling,” Rarity purred, sidling up alongside her. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” “Like what?” Rarity swung her butt into Rainbow’s, knocking her to the pit. The pegasi yelped and fell, right next to Autumn on the feather bed. “Surely you remember?” Rarity smirked down at them. “Applejack is mine.” She closed her eyes, put a hoof to her mouth, and laughed with a musical “Wa-ha-ha!” “What ever happened to waiting for the perfect moment?” Autumn asked. “Oh, daaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhling,” Rarity said. “Who am I kidding? There will be Applejack, and there will be moi meme. It will be perfect no matter what. Especially now that no one can get in my way.” Rainbow floated out of the hole, flapping her wings. Rarity hiccuped. “Wa-ha. Right.” Magic glowed at her horn, and Rainbow’s wings snapped shut. “Cheating unicorns!” Rainbow yelped. She fell, but caught Rarity’s hoof on the way. The nasal shriek mixed with a ladylike wail as they both tumbled down next to Autumn. A click sounded from beneath the bed, and bars slid over the pit opening. Rarity laid on her back, staring upwards. “Ah, of course. I had these installed the last time Rainbow escaped, the weight calibration must be off.” They sat in silence, blinking. At least it was comfortable. A voice came from above, soft but growing louder over the creak of wooden wheels. “Hay-fries, pastries, water!” “Apple Bloom!” they all shouted. Soon enough, the filly’s face peered into sight. “Let us out!” Apple Bloom tested the bars with her hoof. “On the house if you wait til evening. Otherwise, use of the electric saw is fifty bits.” “I don’t have that,” Rainbow confessed. She looked to Autumn, and Autumn shrugged. “I do, but...” Rarity hesitated, then narrowed her eyes. “That would just let Rainbow escape! Apple Bloom, darling, how much for a rope?” “Extra twenty, same deal if you wait.” “I can’t do both,” Rarity hissed under her breath before calling up in pleasant tones. “You’re such a good friend for my sister, Apple Bloom. It is always such a treat when you come over my house.” “Thank you, kindly.” “So can I pay you tomorrow?” “No can do, Miss Rarity. The construction workers for our new clubhouse don’t take credit, so neither can I.” “Drat,” Rarity huffed. Apple Bloom paused a moment, eyeing her cart. “Tell you what: I did make some apple cookies that got smooshed a little under the grill. I’ll throw ‘em in free if you get drinks and a meal.” “Ooh, that’s a good deal!” Rainbow called. “One peppered carrot, two bags of hay-chips, one cider. What are you getting, Autumn?” “Um… what can you grill?” “Just carrots and haydogs for now, I’m out of hayburger supplies.” “Right, two haydogs, wheat buns, all fixings, peppers if you have them. Plus water.” “Coming right up,” Applebloom called. “Rarity?” The fashionista sighed dramatically. “Oh, fine – I suppose we’ll be having a little soiree down here for a few hours. I would like a salad with no cheese, dressing, carrots, croutons, onions, or tomatoes. Do you have tea?” “Iced tea.” “That’s a ‘no,’ then, darling. Just water.” They tossed up the money after a few tries to get the distance right. Apple Bloom lowered the food down in a basket on a rope, then dropped the rope. The trio ate, chatting and giggling over their favorite parts of Applejack: Rarity the legs, Rainbow the butt, Autumn the freckles (and butt). When the sun dipped low, Apple Bloom returned with the electric saw and let them out. She offered the rope, but Rainbow flew the other two out so they wouldn’t get dirty against the pit’s wall. “Autumn, do you have a place to stay?” Rarity asked as they left the darkened orchard. “Um… no.” Autumn blushed and looked away. “I, um, kind of counted on staying with Applejack.” “Don’t we all,” Rarity murmured. “Fear not, darling. You may stay in my guest room.” “Thanks, but are you sure? Won’t we just be at it again tomorrow?” “Darling, no!” Rarity scoffed, but it was a companionable laugh. “Tomorrow is Sunday, the day of rest. Then on Monday and for the week we mustn’t pursue her because she is too busy and we should not interfere with her Very Important Work. Saturday at sunrise, we may try again. May the best mare win, I would say, but it seems uncouth to wish luck to myself.” Autumn bobbed her head. “Jeez, thanks a bunch. Is there anything I can do for you in return?” “Oh no, darling. Enjoy the sights. Plan your next move. Pine for Applejack from afar. On Saturday we shall again be foes, but until then mi casa es su casa.” “Wait… I know!” Autumn hopped with excitement. “When I marry Applejack, you can be a bridesmaid!” The smile flattened on Rarity’s face. “Oh, darling. Dahling...” “It. Is. On.”