Gee, that was a nice nap…. I stretched and yawned on the floor, momentarily in blissful ignorance of my tragic plight. I really should lay off MLP for a while, though. And cartoon pony Rule 34 sh*t. They’re doing crazy things to my mind… oh.
“Are you okay? You fainted dead away for a second there…” A very cute but very tiny Fluttershy was just within my line of vision, asking me out of genuine concern. “Do you have a headache? Can you see okay? How many hooves am I holding up…?”
“Pffff! Why are you so concerned over him? It’s his fault he’s in this mess in the first place!” A markedly less sympathetic Rainbow Dash hovered nearby on plastic wings somehow. “Hey, you! I don’t know what you did to piss off ‘The Great One’. but you’ve really done it now…”
“Patience, Rainbow darling! Our new friend has been transported here from another world, completely against his volition, into a strange new body!” None other but Rarity came to my defence, protectively standing near my(?) orange snout to stare down the blue pegasus. “No wonder he seems so shocked! I can’t even imagine what it must be like…”
“My flesh and blood equine equivalent may have had some experience in this matter; but that is neither here nor there.” Twilight attempted to brush past her trio of friends ogling me, to restore some order to the situation like all good leaders should. “Okay then. Without further ado, if you’re feeling up to it, you can get up now and we’ll tell you as best we can what’s going on.”
“Will you now. Well Mini Twilight and company, you needn’t bother. For I am now going to jump from the top of this crappy lighthouse to the bottom, and once I hit the ground everything will be back to the way it was. Or if by some cosmic chance any part of this horrible delusion turns out to be real, it’s still better than living life as the grotesquely ugly secret lovechild of Scootaloo and Spoiled Rich. As for you six, go and join the production of Toy Story 5 or something. Just, make it so I never have to see any of you ever again. Toodles.”
Ugh, that sounded horrible in Sunny’s voice. But, at least it shocked them enough so I can make a clear run for her window. Hopefully, this’ll work out better than it did for Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. If I have to relive this day over and over again as a perpetual nightmare, it doesn’t even bear thinking about. Here we go…
Alas, as fascinating as this pending social experiment would’ve been, it was destined to never ‘get off the ground’. So to speak.
All it took was a single shake of the head from a disapproving Twilight for Applejack’s small yet incredibly strong bucking legs to hit my side, temporarily stunning me. Then Pinkie Pie played her part by exclaiming ‘Say Cheese!’ and mostly blinded me with an unbelievably bright novelty camera flash.
Very resourceful apparently, these plastic ponies.
“Now, if you’ve quite calmed down…” Twilight spoke from somewhere to my right, as my incapacitated and sightless form was forced to listen. “What you’re currently experiencing is your punishment for thinking and writing such terrible things about the delightful pony known as Sunny Starscout. ‘The Great One’ heard your evil thoughts and words as a major disturbance from another dimension, and They wanted to set an example by forcing you to see what life is like through her eyes. Simply put, you must appreciate the sacrifices and nobility of Sunny by becoming her until the conclusion of her tale, or you may never return home again. Any questions?”
“Hmm. That’s a very interesting story, and I do have a few minor queries. Would you very much mind answering them for me if it’s not too much trouble?”
“Of course! Fire away, Friend!” I could practically feel Twilight beam through the blackness at the ‘maturity’ with which I was taking all this in. “We can’t tell you everything, but what little we do know, we’ll do our very best to educate and inform!”
“That’s good. Okay… first off. This ‘Great One’. Can you tell me where He or She lives, please? Sorry if I’m putting you on the spot a bit, like.”
“Oh, that’s an easy one! The Great One is everywhere. They are the genderless force that make up this wonderful world we live in! They’re responsible for Friendship, Love, Laughter, the very air which we breathe… why do you ask, friend?” I could practically hear the admiration from every word which flowed from Twilight’s manufactured mouth.
“Sounds like quite a guy/girl/thingie. No reason really, I just had a little message I wanted to give Them. But it’s okay, it can wait. Unless... you literal ‘Little Ponies’ can deliver it for me.”
“Oh, yes! We can do that, Friend! We talk to Them all the time, even though we’ve never seen Their face. In fact, They’re the one who sent us here to tell you what was going on!” Toy Twilight was in an absolute state of rapture even thinking about her master, a sentiment obviously shared by the other five miniatures I heard murmuring with respect and adulation nearby.
“Okay, that’s fine. My message is this: and make sure you get every single word now, cos I ain’t repeating it… When I get my f*cking hooves on you, you body-snatching wanker, I’ll rip you a new arsehole so deep I’ll be able to shove the entirety of your swollen head down there. Then, I’ll shred the rest of your corpse into manageable pieces, shove them in a blender and set it to frappe for an entire hour. Lastly, I’ll pour the sticky remains down the toilet, fully relieving myself out of both ends as a daring final act. There’s one last snippet you should know about me: I never flush. Have you got all that? Did you write it down, 'Friend'?”
The reactions around to my ‘polite’ memo ranged from strangled gasps, angry teeth-gnashing and a loud ‘Oh my’ (obviously Fluttershy). I still couldn’t see any of their features, but when all the resulting bedlam was finally over it was Twilight once more who took up the exalted position of head speaker.
“We can see now you still have a lot to learn. Very well, then; we’ll give you some time and space to cool down after your arrival, and we shall return at a later date. For now, please go about your day just as Sunny did at the beginning of the moving picture you just saw and learn what she learns. See what she sees. Become a better person through the second chance our merciful ‘Great One’ has given you, and maybe They’ll overlook your outrageous slurs against Their good name. We will be watching… and always, always follow the script. Goodbye…”
“Oh, yeah? Well, They can ‘mercifully’ kiss my big pasty horse butt! Both cheeks, right here. Tell ‘em to come ‘n’ get it… oh, I can see again.” Just as Twilight’s ominous warning faded into the background, the colour returned to my eyesight. “Great, she’s frozen up with the rest of the girls. Now I truly am on my own once more. I guess I’m stuck here for now, and no amount of wishing, hoping or futile suicide attempts are gonna help me out of this jam. What to do, what to do…”
I tried actually following some advice for once, and thought back to Twilight’s last words.
Let’s see now. She said something about ‘following the script’ of the movie I watched, which would mean going into town and messing up the big technology exhibition the other Earth Ponies put on today and meeting Izzy later. Only one problem with that plan, though: the script sucks. Surely ‘The Not-So-Great One’ won’t begrudge me livening things up a bit? Maybe cutting a few corners, changing around some of the scenes? Going through the motions sounds so boring. If I’m dragged here against my will to fulfil the role of a pre-programmed robot, then I refuse! How d’ya like them apples, Oh ‘Stupid One’?
Feeling much better all of sudden, I lifted myself up off the floor with relish. I was ready to create mayhem, mischief and monkey shines, all in the name of pissing off an omnipotent force that held my very future in their all-powerful hands.
In hindsight, probably not my wisest decision ever. But frankly, I was so ticked off at the time I didn’t even care.
The way I saw it, there were only two possible hindrances to my awesome schemes…
“Getting used to this…” I stumbled over to a nearby mirror, regarding my new female orangey form with obvious contempt.
“...And getting used to those…” I frowned even harder at the adjacent pairs of roller skates I’d have to learn to use to get anywhere at pace.
I hadn’t even had a driving test yet! I hope nopony would notice...
This was already promising to be a wild ride. In more ways than one.