Dear Journal,
Today, I was able to shake myself out of the funk from yesterday (mostly) and get some stuff done.
I listened to some nice music while I worked around the house.
I thought about her, again.
Not her, but Gilda.
I've been thinking a lot about Gilda recently. I can't think of anything that might have reminded me of her, though.
I had a thing for her a while ago, but she left before I could do anything about it. Considering how 'well' I'm handling even thinking about her, it was a good thing Gilda left when she did.
But, I've been missing her.
I was thinking about tracking her down, sending a letter, something. Of course it'd be weird and awkward, but that's pretty much how I feel constantly now.
I would ask my friends about what I should do, but they don't know her. Not like I do anyway. And I don't want to upset her.
...would she even feel upset? If she didn't, that means that I didn't matter that much to her in the first place!
Ugh, I'm REALLY glad I'm getting my thoughts out on paper. That would have sounded stupid if I said it out loud.
Of course I matter to her. She matters the world to me, but she wouldn't be my friend if I didn't matter to her. Sometimes I wish my darn head would stop overthinking everything.
I just need some confidence. NOT alcohol-confidence. She can tell the difference, and I think that she wouldn't take me seriously if I'd been drinking.
Also, I literally cannot drink when I go over to see her. Drinking and driving never work out well.
Ugh, my thoughts are going in circles.
I want to sweep her off her feet, to ask her out, to 'woo' her. But everytime I think about her, I feel like the ground is falling away from under my feet. She makes me feel on top of the world and that I would do anything she asked.
...I've been reading too many romance stories.
Yes, I do read romance, though I don't think I should. It's not helping. It's just making me sad.
One of the stories I read... It wasn't the longest book ever, it wasn't even longer than one chapter! But I still remember one thing about it. The main character was asked on a date by her best friend (also a girl), but she couldn't answer right away. So, she wandered around, asking each of their friends what they thoughts of it, talking out her feelings and nerves with them.
Eventually, she came to their last friend, but heard the girl who asked her out talking about her nervousness and stuff. She didn't even know that the main character was listening in. When their friend asked how much the main character meant to her, the girl didn't hesitate when she said that she'd give up the most important think to her in order to be with the main character.
It made me think... what am I willing to give up for her?
Not that she'd ask me to give anything up, but what means the most to me that I wouldn't argue about if she said that she didn't want me doing anymore?
Would I give up music for her? Would I give up running for her?
Would I give up sports?
...yeah.
If she asked me to give up sports to be with her, I wouldn't argue.
Now, how to tell her that without seeming sappy?
Maybe I should just ask her out on a date and just casually mention it. "Yeah, you're pretty awesome. By the way, if you ever asked me to give up the most important activity in my life to be with you, I wouldn't argue!"
Yeah, like that'd go over well.
Ugh, writing this down isn't helping. I'm going to go for a run.
Peace.