Dear Diary,
Ugh, this just feels so weird.
I've never been good at keeping a diary. Even just the name 'diary' sounds so childish. Like this book should be pastel pink with hearts dotting the cover. And glitter, just for the cherry on top of the so uncool sundae.
That's not what this book looks like, by the way. As if.
Anyway, I finally figured that I can't keep bothering my friends with my troubles. They have enough on their plates right now, and I don't want to add to any of it. But I need to get my thoughts out or I think I'm going to explode!
Hence the diary.
Ugh, it's really more of a journal than anything. Maybe calling it a journal will help.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be using this diary journal! to get my thoughts out of my head.
Today was a slow day. I pretty much stayed at home all day, listened to music, and just did nothing.
And thought about her a lot.
I should be able to write her name, but even thinking about it - thinking about her - makes me all giddy inside.
That's the second reason why I need my thoughts down on paper instead of with my friends.
I'm a closet romantic.
A closet romantic, as in picnics, strolls on the boardwalk, staring into eyes without a care in the world. I love it all.
I saw a picnic basket in a store the other day. It wasn't just any basket either. It was one of the old-timey ones that actually came with a red checkered blanket. i couldn't help but imagine me taking her out on a picnic date.
But it would never work. I don't even know if she likes picnics!
She mentioned chocolate-covered strawberries (with edible gold glitter!) the last time I hung out with her. Again, we just hung out, it was NOT a date.
Absolutely not.
We ended up eating popcorn and watching two horror movies. I don't particularly care for super gory horror movies, but I like the genre well enough. Not as much as she does, though. The movies that we watched were really good. Not like some others that I've suggested in the past.
I should really look into movies before suggesting we watch them together. I always end up getting embarrassed because one character or another ends up worshipping a demon.
True story.
Anyway, I should be getting back on topic. And, seeing as how this is my first entry, I should probably get some information out of the way first.
My name is Rainbow Dash.
I am 22 years old.
And I'm in love with my best friend.
And that's pretty much the gist of it. I've talked about it to my other best friend, but she can only help me so far. And our other friend is pretty oblivious about stuff like this. I swear, she didn't even KNOW I swung both ways until I told her. I've never flaunted it, but I never tried to hide it.
And, I kinda had to tell her because I had accidentally let it slip that I had a major crush on someone that she knew. What can I say? Drinking gets me talking.
I wasn't even drinking at a bar.
The situation was that our school was holding some sort of dance. Of course, I acted like I didn't care about it at all. I joked that I wouldn't even think about going unless someone asked me.
In reality, I was desperately hoping that she would ask me. But, she just ended up going with some other girls. And left me by myself.
I acted totally cool with that.
I was not totally cool with that.
When she came home (side note - all four of us were roommates then), I was the only one still up. She talked about her evening and I felt some jealousy.
Especially after she said that a guy from one of her classes asked her out on a date.
ESPECIALLY after she said that she had told him 'yes'.
She told me that she was interested in girls a while ago, and I came out to her too. I was happy then, because she trusted me with such an intimate secret.
Something in me snapped a bit when she said that she had agreed. I tried to be as casual as I could when I made my way over to the fridge where my alcohol was. I don't know if she noticed my drink or not (I put it in a green tumbler, so she wouldn't see what I was drinking), but she noticed my behavior the next day.
...
I still feel ashamed about it.
I had lied to her face about it.
After my two-day-long episode, I was talking to my other best friend (technically, Fluttershy is my first best friend as she introduced me to the other two). She mentioned that it was weird how I started drinking myself stupid right when he asked her out. I lied to her that it had nothing to do with that.
Then she came out of her room upon hearing her name. And I lied to her that it had nothing to do with her.
I hate thinking about it.
I'm not a good person. I've lied to the people closest to me, and all for what? To protect them from knowing about my crush?
Ugh, this is not helping.
Anyway, that was a little over a year ago.
Yup. I've been dealing with a crippling crush, of all things, for over a year. I'm actually amazed I held it together for so long, considering we lived together for a while.
So, all of that is the main reason why I have this journal. I have so much I want to say about her, but I can't.
I think if I keep all this stuff in too much longer, I'll drink myself stupid. Again.
But it's not like I'm completely at fault here.
She's been giving me mixed signals for half a year. Always teasing me, making jokes that could be flirty, but also could be totally innocent. She even invited me to spend Valentine's weekend with her at her parents' house.
Of course, I accepted immediately, but I should've known that it was more than I could handle.
See, I kinda had a bit of a meltdown after that.
Anyway, it's getting late and I'm already repeating myself. I should wrap this up before I get so tired that I fall asleep.
...How do I even end something like this anyway?
Just... bye? I guess?
I don't even know.