The sign over the map room reads “Get Well Soon RD”. A bit of a silly sign, because I am well. I mean, mostly. The tumor was benign to begin with, and I’m already on the mend from the surgery.
The sign’s not well, though; at some time during the action, Gummy started chewing on one of the knots holding the banner up and managed to gum it loose, so now the top right corner is drooping, trailing the ribbon Pinkie used to hold it up. Pinkie probably would have stopped it, if she weren’t snoring on top of the map table, a dribble of drool threatening to send Stalliongrad a flood that their grandfoals will still be talking about.
“Killer party, Pinks,” I whisper. She’s out cold, but I’m sure there’s some part of her awake enough to hear, because her muzzle curls up in a smile and she mutters something before rolling over, her saliva now threatening a natural disaster somewhere in the vicinity of Rainbow Falls. I smile and move on; Pinkie is not the friend I need help from right now.
Fluttershy went home an hour ago, which took nopony by surprise. She’s always been a little iffy once the booze starts flowing, even at a small Pinkie party like this one. Applejack is standing over by the record player, swaying in place, her eyes closed. Starlight’s nearby, trying to explain something to her about some new teaching method she’s been researching for the School of Friendship. I can tell AJ’s trying to listen, but I can also see three empty bottles of cider stacked on the ground nearby. She’s not gonna remember any of this.
Somepony (probably Pinkie) dragged some couches into the map room before the party began. Trixie and Soarin are sitting on one, lips and tongues and hooves all over each other. They also are accompanied by several empty bottles of cider. They’re gonna wake up in Trixie’s wagon together tomorrow morning; I wonder which one is gonna regret it the most?
Maybe neither; wouldn’t that be hilarious?
Another couch is occupied by another couple, and I’ve finally found my target. Rarity and Twilight are cuddling, with Twilight as the big spoon and Rarity leaning back against her.
Okay, I guess not all drunken one-night stands end in regret. Rares and Twi sure seem super happy.
Twilight sees me as I fly over, avoiding the snacks and streamers and empty cider bottles littering the castle floor. She smiles and begins to try to shift herself and her marefriend, to make room in case I want to sit.
“Nah, don’t get up, Twi,” I say, offhoof. I land next to the couch and brush away some of the debris with my tail. “I just wanted to ask you for something. Bit of a favor. Both of you, actually.”
“Of course, Rainbow,” Twilight says, while Rarity nods sleepily. It’s getting late. Maybe not the best time for serious conversation? But if I didn’t say something now I was gonna chicken out. “What can we help you with?”
“Uh, ya see, when the doctors first found the tumor, well…” I shrugged. It was hard to talk about this. For Celestia’s sake, it’d taken my therapist at least a dozen sessions to help me get over my fear of having ‘the big conversations’ with my friends.
Yeah, I have a therapist now. Wonderbolts rules. Spitfire made me start going as soon as I had my first serious crash, and the x-ray found the tumor. Said this sort of thing could break a pony if I didn’t talk about it.
But Still Waters is great, and he’s super cool. Not lame at all. He’s helped a lot. He’s even at the party somewhere, though he wasn’t drinking. It’s a shame… woulda been nice if he’d gotten some kinda drunken hook-up out of all of this. Maybe I should wake Pinkie up…
Nah. I’m getting distracted. “Um, yeah. Things were rough. I started seeing Doctor Waters, and we talked about a lot of stuff. I, uh… made a bucket list.” I rubbed a hoof against the back of my head, while Twilight gasped and Rarity shook her head. “When the doctors said it was ‘be nine’ or whatever, just a simple outpatient surgery and stuff, I thought things would start to make sense again. But I don’t wanna live with regrets, ya know? And even though I’m a Wonderbolt now, it doesn’t mean there’s not other stuff I’d like to do.
“Doctor Waters says it's normal for ponies like me. He called it a ‘brush with my own mortality’. And as long as I don’t go too crazy, it’s okay to start looking into bucket list stuff.”
“And you need our help with that?” Twilight guessed.
I nodded. “Uh, yeah. If you can. Um…” I reached into my dress uniform pocket. I don’t even know why I wore the thing; this wasn’t an official Wonderbolts event, though most of them were here in some room or other. Inside was a crumpled sheet of paper full of my own chicken-scratch hoof-writing, with clumsy boxes for a checklist. “You’ll probably guess which one.”
The note lit up with a purple aura as Twilight took it from me and floated it over. Rarity sat up, and the two of them looked down the list, eyes alight with curiosity.
“Punch a Maulwarf in the face,” Twilight read the first one, before raising a skeptical eyebrow at me.
I shrugged. “What? How many ponies can say they’ve done that?”
“Moving on,” Twilight sighed. “Attend a live performance of Hammareton. Rainbow, that’s easy enough, I’m sure I can get some tickets as a Princess.”
“I don’t know, Twi. They’re usually sold out months in advance. But that’s not…”
“Surf in a lava flow,” Rarity reads. “Darling, didn’t you do that already when you were retrieving Flash Magnus’ shield?”
“Well, yeah. But I wanna do it again,” I’m getting more nervous the closer they got to the end. My wings flutter at my sides. “Besides, that’s not the—”
“Win the Sisterhooves Social with Scootaloo.”
“Write a memoir.”
“Learn to paint modern art.”
With each item they read off, my heart beats faster. Until finally…
“Go on a…” Twilight freezes and looks up at me, then back at the page again, her eyes drifting back and forth as her jaw slowly gapes. Rarity peers at the page as well, before her eyes suddenly fill with suspicion. She drapes herself more closely over Twilight, wrapping a hoof posessively around her.
“You’re not serious.”
“What? Of course I’m serious!” I stand up, I’m too nervous to keep sitting. My face is flushed. “I thought I was gonna die, Rarity. I may not be looking for a fairy tale like you were, but I’ve got romantic ambitions, too!”
“But darling,” Rarity’s normal affectionate affectation is twisted with jealousy. “Twilight is—”
“Taken, I know,” I say. “It’s not her.”
“Go on a date with a Princess that ends in smooches. Or maybe more.” Twilight finally reads from the paper. Rarity finally relaxes, though they both stare at me in shock. “Um…”
“It’s a bucket list, okay?” I shuffle my hooves nervously. “When I talked to Still Waters about writing one, he said it was all about living without regrets. Even crazy stuff has a place on the list. And if anypony can accomplish crazy stuff, it’s me, right?” The doubt on their faces is not encouraging. “C’mon, you two? Where’s the faith?!”
“You’re right, Rainbow,” Twilight sighs, trying to recover herself. “So… this was the thing you needed help with?” I gulp and nod. “Okay. We’ll help. But… which one?”
“Cadance is taken, too,” Rarity muses. “Though there are those rumors about—”
“Not Cadance,” Twilight interrupts with a hoof over Rarity’s mouth. Rarity giggles. “And not me. Obviously not Flurry. So either Luna or Celestia?”
Okay, Rainbow Dash. Confession time. I take a deep breath. “Not Luna. She’s super cool and all, but uh, well, don’t be weird about this, okay? But ever since I was a teenager, I’ve… hadagiantcrushonCelestia.”
Of course they are going to be weird about this. Even when I specifically asked them not to. Rarity sits right up, making that high pitched sort of squealing noise that meant happiness for her, and absolute disaster for everypony around her. She’s even clapping her hooves together with glee. Twilight looked like she’d been bucked in the face by Big Mac, just staring into space and blinking.
“Why, that’s the most wonderful, most romantic, sweetest thing I’ve ever heard! But, darling, I have to ask, why Celestia?”
“Why not Celestia?” I shrug. It makes sense to me. “I’ve always wanted to be the best, to fly the fastest, to rise the highest. Celestia’s the most beautiful pony ever, the smartest, the most powerfullest—” I heard a snort of disagreement from a nearby couch, but I ignored it. “ —she’s just the best! And she’s so kind and caring, and she’s always looked out for all us little ponies, and…” I was gushing, I realized, which was sorta uncool, except it was Celestia so that made it okay, right? Rarity seemed to think so, because her eyes were doing that sparkly thing.
“You want to… date... Celestia.” Twilight’s voice is deadpan. I nod and gulp again. “No. You don’t want to just date Celestia. You want to—” the paper floats right in front of her eyes again. “—smooch her. And maybe other things.” She shakes the paper accusingly, but I nod. “Just what sorts of other things—”
“Dearest,” Rarity interrupts, leaning up to plant a smooch of her own on Twilight’s cheek. “I know it’s never happened before, but think about it. If anypony could accomplish the heroic task of getting Celestia to agree to a date, don’t you think Rainbow Dash could be the one to manage it?” She makes that happy squealing noise again. “And wouldn’t you just love to be the pony that helps to make it happen?” She’s shaking with excitement.
Oh no. I may have unleashed a monster.
“Well, to be technically accurate, it has happened before,” Twilight still looks shaken as she’s speaking, but my heart feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest.
“I-it has? You mean I’m too late?” It’s okay. Heartbreak is okay. I’ll survive. I’ll move on. It was a silly dream anyways, just a foal’s—
“A few times, throughout the centuries,” Twilight says, nodding, and her voice drops into ‘lecture mode.’ “She always does her best to keep things subtle, though. You know she receives about three proposals of marriage a month? She turns them all down, of course, but can you imagine how they’d flood in if news got out that Celestia even had romantic interests? Even though she’s retired, she’d be buried in them. Daily.”
“Don’t you see, though, dear heart?” Rarity is vibrating and bouncing, and Twilight shoots her an annoyed look, pushing away from her overly eager marefriend. “That’s why Rainbow came to us. You’re an expert on all things Princess Celestia, and I’m an expert on all things romance.” Twilight laughs a little, and Rarity’s eyes narrow. “You think I am, right?”
“Enlightened self-interest dictates that I should say yes,” Twilight answers, and Rarity’s eyes narrow dangerously, before Twilight laughs and reaches out to peck Rarity on the cheek. “Of course you are, Rarity.”
I nearly make a face. All this lovey dovey stuff, romance and flirting? It was cute and whatever, but we need to get back to what was important:
Me.
“Okay, so, she’s dated other ponies in the past, but she’s not dating anypony right now, is she?” I need to get an image of my rivals as quickly as I could, so I know how to outclass them as soon as possible.
“No, Celestia’s not seeing anypony,” Twilight says. “And I’m sure, too. All us princesses are the biggest gossips. The rest of them practically knew I was dating Rarity even before I did. And we found out about Luna just…”
If it is even possible, Rarity’s eyes get even wider and more sparkly. Clearly she hadn’t known. Twilight grinned sheepishly.
“Um, could you do me a favor, love, and forget I said that?” Twilight mumbled, and Rarity simply let out a single dismissive huff of laughter. I shifted from one hoof to another, impatient. “Right, of course not. But yes, Celestia’s single right now. And to preempt your next question, yes, she is into mares. And stallions. And non-binary ponies. And non ponies.”
I’m not exactly sure what we were talking about anymore, but it sounded good. “So… what is she into? Athletes? National heroes? Rainbow manes?”
“I guess it depends,” Twilight shrugs. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, threatening to burst. Why’d she have to be so vague?
“Well, out with it! How do I impress her enough for her to say yes?”
“Princess Celestia’s not the kind of pony that’s easy to impress, Rainbow,” Twilight says. “You can’t woo her with bravado and big flashy displays.”
“But bravado and big flashy displays is all I have!” I moan, feeling the sort of pre-disaster sense of doom that sometimes kicked in before a particularly difficult flight maneuver.
Twilight and Rarity both roll their eyes in an annoying display of coordinated couple disapproval.
“You’re so much more than that, darling,” Rarity says firmly. “You’re utterly fearless. I’d say use that. What did you sing that one time? ‘My confidence comes off as cocky, but it gives me the courage to fail’? You need to have faith that, even if the worst happens and she says no, you’ll get through it. Other than that? Just be direct! It’s what you do best, after all.”
Yeah. Yeah! I can do that. Confidence. Directness. I can manage. Okay.
“So when do I—”
“We can help you with the little details, darling,” Rarity says, and Twilight nods along, a small smile tugging at her muzzle. That… actually felt really good. If Twilight was happy with the idea, didn’t that mean I did have a chance? It certainly calmed my nerves a bit.
“Of course we will, Rainbow. And if anypony has a chance, I’m sure it’s you. You are awesome, after all.” Twilight scratches her chin thoughtfully. “You know, Celestia did tell me that she and Luna would be stopping by the Crystal Empire to visit Cadance, Shiny, and Flurry next weekend. What if you dropped in for a surprise visit, yourself? There’s all sorts of spots in the Empire for a cute date.”
“That’s assuming she says yes,” I laugh nervously, but Twilight’s smile widens.
“I am assuming that, Rainbow. Because it’s you.”